30/03/2019: Regarding my lack of progress (Patreon)

Hey everyone,

So yeah, I can't and won't try and hide behind anything; I fucked up and let myself get depressed and anemic and just generally exist along this weird tramline of feeling like I'm constantly busy but never getting anything done. And I wasn't, it's true, nothing at all like what I had hoped I could have achieved by now has been done and it's frankly something I should be, and am, ashamed of. 

I'm sure you all know the circumstances around this last year, and 2018 for multiple reasons was one of the best/worst years of my life, and in the end over this winter period as I thought I was moving past the worst of it, this inertia hit me trying to do an animation and I just couldn't un-blinker from it. It all blurs together at this point despite the lack of time passed, but the short of it is I let myself come undone, let the weight of a lot of personal shit collapse onto me and pretty much clean me out.

I say all of this because you guys deserve context to this, and you deserve to know it was  my insistence that I could beat this on my own, carry the game on and work through this shit at the same time, that led me to this point of people voicing genuine concerns and complaints to me about something they invested their money into and me having no awnser but, I fucked up guys. Reaally fucked up bad. 

All I can say is that, this has genuinely worried me. I've lost income, I've lost trust, I've lost the support of people who were really hoping I'd be able to deliver on stuff and I just wasn't up to the task at the time. So some weeks ago, after a bout of flu actually, I reached the point of saying enough was enough and started doing some IRL stuff, exercising and actually getting enough muscle that my joints don't dislocate all the time, etc. etc.  And have been really trying to just, fuckin' do something about my situation rather than literally waste away in a chair wondering why shit isn't changing. 

Anyway I'm glad to say the changes are working out for the better; living healthier, actually enjoying exercise for the first time in my life, really trying to jam life back into gear type stuff, and my work output has increased substantially! I know, I would say that, I'm trying to convince you to stick around, but it's true as well as convenient; I put this newest version up because I was excited about all the new stuff I'd added since I started all this health crap, but of course what it also did was show the reality of what I had grown to expect of myself versus what the world expects of me, what you guys expect of me. Again, I fucked up.

So I understand if you'd like to withdraw your funding until such a time as you think I deserve it again; to anyone who has tier rewards at any level they will be honored whatever the circumstance, I don't plan on revoking what little attempt at a thank you I can give. If you do want to stay while I try and make another go of this shit I'd really appreciate it, but I can see what this looks like from the outside and I couldn't blame anyone for having had enough at this point.

I realize this is probably not a wise decision, mentioning revocation of support (I'm thinking BF:V)  but... the best way I can explain this is, I watch a lot of youtube during my work as background noise while I animate, like Game Grumps or whatever, but I also watch gaming news channels; they usually have a section devoted to something like Mighty No. 9 (another dangerous thing to mention) where indie devs just screw the whole thing up for arrogance or sleaziness or other such things. At the end of the day maybe I've screwed the game up enough that this will make it financially unviable but, at the end of the day I needed to address this and I'd rather go out being able to say I was honest with everyone about my failures, and what I intended to do about them regardless of how this all pans out.

I should say just for clarification, I will carry on making this game and trying to make this game as long as I have a computer to make it; before things span out drastically last year for me this was my passion project that was suddenly a job, and I was on top of the world and working to the best of my abilities for a short period there; never know when tragedy's going to strike I guess. But I'm putting in the work to get better, to be better in general. 

Time will tell, but what ever happens next you all mean the world to me and I will prove to you I can get this done. Or rather We can get this done, I'm finished with my old ways of thinking, and I know the friends I've made along the way through this are the ones that are going to ensure I carry on and stay motivated. All of your love to me has kept me going at a time where I was hanging by a thread, and I will either win out or be laughed from the fandom!

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Whew, sorry for the word vomit everyone; I think I got my point across, or I hope I did anyway, only thing now is to get back to work. 

I've got some more news but I'm going to wait for another post, give this one time to be seen and such; I don't want to conflate this with regular sorts of news, think this is a bit more of a special post.

Hope to see you around again, what ever happens you have done more for me than I can express in words, and I can't thank you enough.

-S