15/04/2019: Bit more of an update (long ramble) (Patreon)

Hey everyone,

So as a few of you no doubt noticed I disappeared again briefly but altogether more totally, and I feel like I can get through telling y'all if I just splurge it out here while I feel in the mood so, incoming!

So in the last blog I wrote here I mentioned how I'd made some mistakes over the last year in terms of taking care of myself, letting my mindset and mood drift, etc etc. And that to combat this I've been really starting to take a look at myself and how I've been functioning these past few years (the last one especially though); this has been pretty brutal, I can't lie, but I think on the whole now that I'm starting to come out of it and through to the other side it's something I'm really glad I took some time to do.

The short facts of it are thus: in 2017 I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication to help deal with... you get the idea; dad was on it too, I won't give a name because I don't want to start getting too specific but unlike other anti-anxiety meds these weren't things that just slowed one's heart-rate or did anything more all-encompassing like an antidepressant would, which I'd been trying since 2011 with very little success in various SSRI type things; anyway, dad finds it helpful for his depression/anxiety so I figure it'll help me out too, and I go say to my doctor who prescribes me this stuff. Like I say that was 2017, and I've pretty much been on the stuff since; at the time I found it very helpful because it would be something that seemed to really work for me,  and would at least  make home life a lot better when I was on the stuff.

But for various reasons, not least of which being the last year or so, I'd come to rely on these pills to save my mood, or to jump-start me into a day, or things like that; things that, because they were from a doctor and such and I'd been told they were fine, I was more than happy to carry on with even though I'd long since forgotten the root of why I needed to take them. But I was dimly aware that these things weren't actually making me happier as such anymore, and that I'd start getting shivery in the morning before I took my dose, etc. And yeah, turns out these things are actually a lot more addictive than either my doctor or my government were apparently aware of!

I got some info through about it about a month ago, give or take, saying that what I was taking was to soon be reclassified after some people had become very ill from prolonged use of it, so... basically that's where I've been these past couple of weeks, decided to wean myself off these things entirely and see what I was left with once I'd prepared for what I'd since read the symptoms to be. 

oh my GOD it sucked. 

I don't really want to recount the specifics of it but if anyone's familiar with what 'detoxing' is you'll know there is absolutely nothing pleasent about the experience, with the added bonus that when you cut off the thing you'd been using to stifle your anxiety for a couple years the effect is somewhat reversed; beyond that there've been a lot of flu-like symptoms, insomnia, just a general gamut of horrors that Im happy to say I feel like I've come to a turning point with now.

So, there's the long and the short of why I've been so quiet lately, especially since my apology late last month; I don't suggest anyone do what I did and wean themselves off of anything, especially without checking with doctors and getting a lot of distractions and coca cola ready, but I needed to find some way to draw a line between the me of the last few years and the me I'd like to become so I can carry on with the job I love and make stuff for you guys, who have never been anything short of the reason I can find the fortitude to drop a medication and get through the shit of it to be an overall more stable and productive person.

I hope you'll all understand if I take a bit more time easing back into my sporadic sociability; the constant panic attack sort of state is gone and the fever also but I'd like to be able to get more than 3 hours sleep in a  night for a couple nights before taking a plunge back in!

But TL;DR, Im doing fine! Physically feel like I've been hit by a truck but mentally, after a pretty tumultuous transition, I think I'm on the road back again ^^

Again I'd say to everyone please, if you don't feel like donating for this month or until I get the progress back up to standard I wholly understand and encourage you to save your cash, but by the same token I wanted to let you all know this absence was (at least intended to be) directly in favor if increasing my well-being and happiness, not to the detriment of it xD

Thanks for reading this rambling spiel everyone, hope it wasn't too much of an overshare but I want to prove I'm serious about getting this shit in gear for everyone's benefit ^^