Regression (Full) (Patreon)

Chapter 1: The Accident

"Well, you're doing it for yourself at this point. Why not convert it into a guest room? It's a two-bedroom house!" Madison expressed to her mother through the car’s microphone. Melinda paused. A sharp sigh scratched out of the speaker. Madison turned the volume knob down.

"When you have a child of your own someday, you'll understand. When you were little, it was such a special time in our family's life." Melinda said happily. Madison nodded, then pressed her foot into the break peddle. She shook her head in frustration at the rows of red break lights.

"Of course, there's traffic when I'm already running late." Madison complained.

"You don't think you'll be late for your meeting? It’s Monday! You should have given yourself more time for something this important." Melinda said concerned. Madison crossed her legs, then buckled her bladder muscles. The inside walls of her bladder felt stretched into an annoying pain. She changed her mental plan of walking straight from the door to her cubical. Instead, she'd go straight to the lobby bathroom to relieve the building stress. There was no way she could present at a high level with the constant reminder in her bladder.

"I'll be fine. Nothing is going to stop me from getting to this meeting." Abigial determined. She envisioned herself rolling monster truck style over the cars on the road.

"Well do you think you’re practiced enough? This is your second time presenting to the CEO right?” Melinda asked.

"This is the third. I practiced four times last night, and twice the day before, so I'm not terribly worried. They certainly value my opinion at this point. If I give this my best, I'm almost certain they’ll give me the director of analysis position." Madison explained, talking it out calmed her nerves. She was going to kill it; the pain in her bladder included.

A car in front of Madison seized its chance to get in the lane going 5 mph faster. She kicked the break to avoid an accident. Her hands gripped the wheel then spun into the left direction. "Look Mom, I'm gonna have to let you go. I need to pay attention to the road." Madison said, she pressed the end call button on the wheel. The jerking motion tilted the level in her bladder. The walls expanded uncomfortably from the new alignment of pressure. Madison winced, but her mind stayed focused on the road. She looked at the clock, her meeting was in 45 minutes. She reasoned even with traffic she’d get to the office shortly.

"I got this." Madison reassured herself. She navigated through the rest of the congestion and into the company parking lot. She scanned the rows of parked cars for a couple minutes, before finding a spot near the middle of the lot. She squeezed in between the lines. Her eyes glanced down at the large dirty chai still warm and half full. She thought about the bathroom for a split second before chugging. "I'll go right when I get in." She already concluded.

She plucked the cup from the holder, then pressed it to her lips. She downed all of it, then threw the cup into the bottom of her passenger seat. She pushed into the door and opened it. Her legs swung out of the seat then landed onto the ground.

"Okay, hurry up and pee. I want to look at the pre-market analysis before I get in there." Madison thought to herself. She leaned in and grabbed her purse string. A moment later it laid slung across her shoulder as her high heels clacked on the smooth black pavement.

"Good morning, Ms. Monroe!" Kathy exclaimed with a beaconing wave from behind the desk. Madison shot a dismissive smirk at the receptionist. Her mind was in a different world. She didn't hear the following words out of Kathy's mouth.

"I'm sorry?" Madison said in disbelief, her body went full stop. She locked eyes with Kathy.

"Jessica said they're waiting for you." Kathy said. Madison felt her heart sink. Her time was cut in half. She felt panic constrict her chest muscles. Cool adrenalin splashed into her arm's bloodstream.

"Okay." Was all she said. She sinched the rope around her bladder even tighter still. The prolonged stress on her bladder was making it start to ache. The irritation was creeping into the forefront of her mind. She could look at the pre-market just to be safe for the meeting, but she had to pee immediately after that. She pressed her thighs tight together. That narrowed the space between her feet while she walked toward her desk. She made her way down the hallway, then into the main office floor. The sound of people talking and working grew from background noise to a dull roar. Madison walked through the maze of cubicles until she came to her desk. She woke up her screen by shaking the mouse. Her login screen flashed to life. She already started typing the password before her butt hit the cushion. Madison’s eyes scanned the tabs of charts that popped up automatically.

"Damn, this isn't the best day to talk about the battery market, but my research is solid." She thought. Her brain barely started spinning the narrative before Sophia's head popped around the cubical.

"Hey, I thought you would have been in there by now. Where've you been? I saw Tim walk in like fifteen minutes ago." She asked, Madison sighed as she frantically navigated to the next set of tabs.

"I know. Our meeting was supposed to be thirty minutes from now. I just got in. If I didn't hit that traffic, I could have..." Madison said, pausing for a moment. 'gone pee...' she thought, but decided against saying that to Sophia. She winced then writhed from a strong wave of bladder ache. This was an urgent warning. She tried to shake the thought of downing that dirty chai.

"Why the fuck didn't I pee when I woke up!?" Madison thought. Sophia looked concerned; Madison was clearly in discomfort.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine." Madison piped, "Sorry, I thought I was going to have more time before this meeting." She responded, her eyes remained locked on the screen. Sophia smirked then stepped away from the cubical.

"I'll let you work, but you have to tell me about your date later on today." She mentioned. Madison kept typing but moved her gaze to Sophia.

"Yeah, I didn't even end up seeing him. I was here wrapping up my slides." Madison said matter-of-factly. She looked back at the screen.

"Oh." She responded in surprise.

"Kind of seemed like a douche anyways. I'm not all that upset about it." Madison finished.

"Well go get em'." Sophia said with a wink. She disappeared behind the wall. Madison wasted no time in getting up from her desk. Her bladder screeched in pain

“Oof…” Madison groaned, she crossed her legs and clenched her thighs tight. The pressure in her bladder barreled down onto her sphincter muscle. It felt like a million needles spearing her insides. This was a final warning. Her mind’s internal monologue focused entirely on finding a bathroom.

“Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee….” She repeated in her head.

Madison quickly snatched the report off her desk. She looked down the hallway. At the end of the rows were the bathrooms. Her feet started moving automatically. Her peripheral vision darkened. Her eyes zeroed in on the doors that grew desperately closer with each step. Her brain relished in the thought of reliving itself of this pain. She had spent the entire morning in this agony.

“Hey.” A slick voice sounded in front of Madison. She recognized it instantly. Anger ballooned in her chest. The shape of Lilly appeared suddenly in the middle of her path. Madison stopped.

“Move, Lilly.” Madison said sharply. She had zero time to play her malicious co-worker’s games.

“Whoa, woah where’s the rush? You can’t spare a minute before meeting with Tim?” Lilly said, with a wicked smile. She strategically placed herself in between Madison and the hallway.

“No. I don’t. And you know that. Now move, Bitch.” Madison seethed. She pushed Lilly to the side. It generated enough space to allow her to slip past. Her gait quickly sped up to a jog-walk toward the bathroom doors.

“You’ll be reporting to me soon anyways. You know he’s giving me the job on Friday.” Lilly yelled out. Abigial slowed and turned back toward Lilly.

“You fucking wish!” She said, then held up the report in her hands. Lilly didn’t seem phased. She crossed her arms and chuckled while watching her fast walk to the bathroom. Madison didn’t have to time to dwell on the interaction. All her mind could fathom was peeing.

Her pupils dilated as she drew near. It was like seeing water for the first time in weeks. Her bladder hadn’t stretched this far in decades. Her body was at capacity. All of the water and wine from the night before, the juice she had for breakfast, the chai on her way in. It all screamed to be released.

Madison gasped internally.

“There you are!” Tim said, walking out of the bathroom. Madison didn’t have words. She knew what was going to happen next. Nobody ever stopped Tim. “Come on, we’ve been waiting.” He spoke. Tim didn’t come across as rude, but it was clear that meant now.

“...” Madison didn’t answer initially. She stood a few feet away from the door, but her eyes were fixed on Tim. He opened the clear glass door into the adjacent meeting room. Abigial saw the next five people underneath Tim sitting there. Her immediate boss, Jessica, locked eyes with her. She shot her look that meant ‘NOW’ and discretely beaconed her toward the meeting room.

Abigial suppressed a painful tear. Her teeth clenched full force. They felt like they were swimming in her mouth. There was no longer a plan. She didn’t have a choice. The tips of her heels shifted from facing the bathroom, toward the meeting room.

The office got quieter as she walked toward the door. The primal urge in her wanted to squat right there and relieve herself onto the floor. The muscles holding up the pee felt shaky. Her fingers trembled as they reached the handle. She knew there was no going back the moment she walked in. In the back of her mind, she knew this was an emergency.

But she had waited years to get this recognition. When the spotlight finally shines on you, there’s isn’t a second chance. All it took was those couple minutes in the bathroom for someone like Lilly to walk into the vacant presentation, and suddenly she’s the only one they care about.

“I’ll be fine. I can hold it.” She thought, while squeezing the last bit of strength out of her bladder. Madison had that thought process just as much as the average person since becoming potty trained. But for the first time since then, she felt doubt creeping in.

“So, what’s your read on this? Why do I give a fuck about this amateur battery company?” Tim asked the moment Madison walked into the room. She perked up. Another round of adrenaline focused her mind. She instantly zoned into presentation mode.

She gently placed her report down on the table. Then looked up. Everyone sat at the end opposite of Madison. The projector knew to start when the presenter waved their hand at the board. Madison motioned; UPS trucks appeared on the screen.

“Great question. UPS is looking to make their entire fleet electric.” She said confidently.

“Which means they must be looking for someone to make batteries for them?” One of the higher-ups deduced.

“Exactly, and if you’re going to convert your entire fleet, you’re going to need a shitload of batteries. Why do it the expensive way?” Madison asked. Her eyes scanned the audience. The crowd seemed dialed in. Especially Tim, he had an intrigued smirk.

“The company is called Avente Electronics. AET is the ticker. Currently they’re trading roughly $14 a share. They’re small fish, but internal documents I got from a source says they’re close to a deal with UPS to make their batteries.” Madison said, she flipped to the next screen to show the emails.

“Hm.” Tim said in intrigue.

“Right now people aren’t on-“ Madison started, then paused in the middle of her sentence. Her eyes widened in fear.

A wet warm sensation suddenly splattered onto the inside of her thigh. On reflex, she tightened her legs closer together. The pain Madison tried desperately to ignore the past few minutes came back stronger than before. Her bladder screamed out in a total meltdown. She tried again to clench her muscles, but they had grown extremely fatigued. They helplessly lost the battle.

“FUCK. FUCK. NO! NOT HERE!!!!! ANYWHERE BUT HERE!” Madison’s mind lost it. She focused all her attention on stopping herself from having a full-blown accident.

“Um. They’re sleeping on this stock. We know from the volume in their trades the past few months that-“ Madison stopped short again. This time instead of a few drops, a light trickle escaped her. She tried clenching her muscles to stop the pee the same way she had her entire life. This time though, no matter how hard she clenched, she couldn’t stop it. More warmth spilled out of her. A stream of pee dripped down her leg, and into her high heels.

“Their… um…. trades are…” Madison tried to continue, but her mind wasn’t there. She was trying everything she could to stop it, yet nothing worked. Her face flushed deep red. Her eyes began watering as the embarrassment hit her.

“Oh god…” Tim muttered. The others began murmuring their own admissions of shock. Madison couldn’t look at them. She kept her eyes locked on the screen. Her bladder muscles couldn’t stop another wave. Each flow was heavier than the last. A full cup worth of pee suddenly dumped out of her.

“*sniff* … we should…. Trade these… Uh.” Madison exclaimed; she twisted her legs like a pretzel when it happened. A waterfall of pee gushed uncontrollably out of her bladder. She subconsciously tried bending her legs to help. Nothing inside of her could stop it anymore. Her sphincter was in excoriating pain any time she tried holding it. None of it worked. A steady stream of pee flowed out of Madison and splattered directly onto the floor.

“Okay that’s enough, Madison.” Tim said. Madison looked at him. Tears rolling over her cheeks. Pee hitting the floor and forming a puddle.

It was over.

This level of trauma had never happened to Madison before. Her mind grew silent. The warning signals in her mind weren’t there anymore. All her thoughts drained into a sinkhole in the back of her head. She felt utter embarrassment at the highest level. The mental image of herself shrunk to the size of thimble.

“Go to the bathroom!! What is wrong with you!??” Jessica yelled out.

“What?” Madison said, she snapped out of her daze and looked down. A large yellow puddle of pee continued growing at her feet. She’d been pissing directly on the floor in silence for nearly ten seconds.

“I.. Um…” Madison tried to speak, but it was too late for words. Everyone looked at her in total disgust. Her body entered fight or flight. She turned to the door and ran out of the room.

Madison left a trail of pee from the meeting and back out into the cubicles. She tried shielding her blubbery face from everyone. But that didn’t stop her from hearing the gasps and giggles.

She didn’t stop peeing until she got in her car. Even then, dribbles leaked out into her leather seat. The wet fabric of her skirt clung to her skin as a constant reminder.

Madison cried the whole way home. No thoughts. Just the empty feeling of life altering embarrassment.

***

Madison opened the front entrance door just wide enough for her to slip through. She locked eyes with Kathy at the front desk.

“Hey good morning, Kathy.” Madison said in a forced cheerful tone. Kathy looked up from the desk, then acknowledged Madison’s greeting with a smile and nod. Her attention moved right back to the computer screen.

Madison walked past the front desk, and into the bathrooms behind it. Her heels clacked on the linoleum flooring. She B-lined from the door to the first stall. She snatched the handle then quickly scuttled in.

“No accidents today.” She thought confidently as she undid her pants. She let them fall to the floor, before sitting on the toilet. The pressure in her bladder was minimal, mostly because she already went 15 minutes ago when she left the house. A weak stream dribbled into the bowl. It lasted less than five seconds. She tore some squares off the roll, wiped, then reassembled her outfit. She pushed the stall door open and walked back out into reception. Madison made her way into the labyrinth of cubicles. She passed by lesser co-workers she would usually stop by and chat with.

“I’m not wetting myself in front of them.” She concluded already. None of them had looked up to say ‘hello’ in the past week anyways.

Madison placed her purse and notebook on the desk. She swiveled her chair, then sat down in front of the screen. ‘Friday’ read the date on the Windows login screen.

“The new director!” Madison thought, anxiety raced through her veins. She blocked out the accident from resurfacing in her mind. She stood up from her chair then started walking down the rows of cubicles. “I did damn good work this year.” She reasoned; her glance remained fixed on where Tim’s office would come into view. “Monday aside, I’m the best analyst on this floor. He’d be foolish to take it away from me just because I had an…” Madison thought, she closed her eyes and pushed the images out again.

“Oof!” Sophia said as the two gently collided into one another.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Madison said as she recoiled. The two just bumped shoulders in the middle of an intersection. Sophia regained her composure then waved it off.

“Haha, it’s okay. Watch where you’re going though! You know it gets crazy in here.” Sophia said happily, Madison flashed an appreciative smile back. She expected Sophia to continue the conversation. Instead, the two started at each other for a couple moments in silence.

“Um…” Sophia said, her gaze shifted from Madison to the hallway she was walking down.

“How are you??” Madison said suddenly to break the awkwardness. This was only the second time Madison had seen Sophia since the accident.

“I’m good!... Yeah… really good.” Sophia said, seemingly trailing off. “…How are you uh… doing?” She asked with a sympathetically.

“I’m okay, yeah no totally okay. I’m feeling great about the new director position I uh… think it’s gonna be really good for me.” Madison said, realizing instantly how overly confident she sounded. Sophia seemed happy for her friend though.

“That’s great, I really hope you get it.” Sophia said. Madison smiled back, but in her mind, she felt anxiety grip her thoughts. A gentle weight started growing in her bladder. She gritted her teeth.

“I can’t have an accident in front of Sophia!” She thought frantically, her body hyper-focused on the feeling. She recalled feeling in control during the meeting, only for pee to helplessly spill out of her. Her face flushed red. She started taking a couple steps away from the conversation. Sophia seemed confused about her friend’s slow departure.

“Oh one more thing before you go.” Sophia said, Madison clenched her muscles to stop anything from coming out.

“We should start talking about the road trip soon! I know you want to see LA and the Grand Canyon, but we need to start figuring out logistics if we want to do it this summer. You know like where we’ll stay and um…” Sophia paused briefly before finishing in a quieter tone, “… Bathroom breaks.”

Madison felt her heart sink. She didn’t want to be known as the girl that had bathroom problems. Especially by her friends here. She felt compelled in the moment to defend herself.

“Oh, don’t worry about that! I’ll be totally fine.” She said, again not realizing until after how silly it sounded to only say ‘I will be fine.’ And not both.

“Yeah, well, think about it! I’ll see you around.” Sophia said, she walked around Madison then continued down the hall. Madison let out a disheveled sigh.

“She totally thinks I have accidents all the time…” Madison thought, the anxiety in her hadn’t dissipated. She felt an overwhelming urge to hurry to the bathroom. Her focus shifted to the opposite end of the room. She spun around, then fast-walked down toward the bathrooms.

With the same procedure as before, she b-lined for the stall the moment she walked in. Her fingers trembled with anxiety as she undid her pants button. She slapped her butt onto the toilet bowl. She released the muscles in her bladder.

“Ah..” She whispered, expecting a rush of pee to flow out of her. Instead, it was another light trickle. This one was even weaker than before. It lasted a couple seconds, before dissipating into little dribbles. Madison felt her anxiety melt temporarily. “At least it wasn’t in my pants.” She reasoned. She got up, put her pants back on, then walked out. Only to immediately feel her blood boil.

“Hello, Maddy.” Lilly said as Madison walked out the bathroom. Madison’s face contortioned in disgust.

“Do NOT call me that.” Madison said sternly. Lilly smirked, although was surprised by how Madison defended herself.

“Sure, but just as long as you call me Director.” Lilly said. Madison couldn’t help it, her jaw dropped in shock. She clenched her fists from the anger and sadness that bubbled in her chest.

“Are you telling-“ Madison said, but Lilly cut her off.

“That I’m director of analysis and you’re not? Yes. That is exactly what I’m telling you.” Lilly said with a cocky, overly smug attitude. Madison’s anger was converting into a hodgepodge of rage, jealousy, and depression.

“Why on Earth would he pick you over me!? I’ve been here for a year and half more than you! I outsold you for three quarters in a row, and you haven’t even presented to the board once!” Madison spilled in frustration. Her emotions from this week were boiling over, and out her mouth. Lilly motioned toward the bathroom door behind her.

“You know why.” Lilly said. Madison squinted then shook her head in anger. “I’ve noticed you’ve been in there a lot lately.” Lilly teased.

“Ugh. You’re SUCH an Asshole.” Madison said, she shoved Lilly to the side and started walking directly toward Tim’s office. Lilly didn’t respond, she just turned to watch Madison walk away. A content wicked smile planted firmly on her face.

Madison did nothing to contain the rage storming inside. This was the greatest injustice she’d ever experienced. It wasn’t fair that Lilly was picked over her. “How could he be this short sighted!? It was one accident! How could he let that define my entire career???” She questioned as she walked through the sea of people. Every conversation she walked past grew quieter. She could feel the eyes staring at her. She rounded a corner, then froze in fear.

Tim was sitting there, in his office, typing on the computer.

Madison couldn’t help herself. She envisioned herself walking into his office in a tiff. Berating him for picking someone lower than her for the position, and Lilly of all people. He knew their dynamic.

But that scene in her mind changed. She crossed her legs. The feeling of her bladder felt too heavy. She tried clenching, but the pee didn’t stop this time either. That same look of disgust from Monday. Back in reality, Madison’s eyes shot to the small one-person bathroom next to Tim’s office. She didn’t dwell on the scenario any longer. She started walking and split toward the bathroom before reaching Tim’s door.

She plopped her butt on the toilet again. She relaxed the muscles controlling her bladder. Nothing came out. Madison pushed down on her bladder, but still nothing. She could feel something had collected inside since her last trip to the bathroom. She sat patiently, feeling the pee slowly work it’s way out of her. When it arrived at the apex, she peed four little dribbles.

“You’ve been in here a lot lately.” Lilly’s voice said in Madison’s mind as she looked down at the clothes around her ankles.

She didn’t walk into Tim’s office after peeing. She didn’t have the heart. She trudged back to her desk instead to finish out another middling, bathroom filled day.

Chapter 2: Unfettered Anxiety

Madison watched the red arrow flash to green. The LED light reflected off her car’s wet hood. She steadied the wheel as she finished the turn. The centrifugal acceleration on her bladder pushed a warning signal to her brain.

“Mn.” She muttered, then clenched her bladder. She took stock of the weight. Her bladder was three quarters full. She shifted her weight uncomfortably to the other side. That did nothing to quell the pain, all it did was redistribute the weight. It was clear she had to pee the moment they walked into the restaurant.

“You have an incoming call from: Sophia” spoke the robotic voice through the speakers. Madison looked down at the dash screen. She contemplated answering.

“Ermhh, sure.” She thought, her hovering thumb pressed on the wheel’s button.

“Hey how are you feeling!?” Sophia exclaimed.

“I’m completely fine. I’m a little nervous meeting someone new, but I don’t think I’ll stay for too long. He’s a bank teller. What will we have in common? I’ll probably be home by eight.” Madison spoke with a newfound confidence. Her eyes flicked to the GPS. She had five minutes left on her route. She envisioned herself finding parking, walking to the restaurant, finally getting to the bathroom, taking her pants off. It felt eons away.

“Wait what’s wrong with that?” Sophia asked with a lighthearted giggle.

“What?” Madison said, she had to recall the conversation. Her mind felt busy. She subconsciously stared down the oncoming Burger King through a rain splattered windshield.

“Nothing! I just don’t think he’ll be all that interesting.” She said, then thought, “I could pee there… I wouldn’t have to hold it any longer too.” She pushed down the turn signal bar.

“Hey, I’m actually at the restaurant right now, so I need to let you go.” Madison said urgently.

“Text me how it goes!” Sophia responded. Madison pressed the button to end the call. She focused on turning into the store.

The car door slammed behind her. She slumped her rain jacket’s hood over her head then zipped it up. Her boots splashed in the puddle adjacent to the entryway sidewalk. The jump sloshed the heavy pee in her body. Her teeth and hands clenched as it splattered back down onto her bladder.

The restaurant was empty except for a dorky looking man behind the counter in a BK outfit. Madison didn’t acknowledge him. Her boots squeaked over the hum of ovens. She walked directly to the bathrooms across the counter. She gripped the door handle under a Ladies sign. The door didn’t budge.

“Locked??” her mind raced. She felt panic grip her heart. The last place she wanted to have an accident was in front of this man. Her head darted down her legs. She thought she felt something leak out. She pressed her hand up against her crotch. It felt dry. She turned toward the man behind the counter.

“Hey, can you unlock the bathroom??” Madison yelled out. She tugged on the door handle a few times. The man stared at her for a few seconds before uttering,

“It’s for paying customers only.”

“Okay but, I need to pee!” Madison pleaded sincerely. The man looked sympathetic but shrugged.

“I’m sorry I can get in trouble for it.” He spoke. Madison couldn’t accept his answer.

“I have Crohn’s disease.” She lied. The man recoiled in surprise.

“Oh, you’re one of those people.” He muttered. He started rummaging beneath the counter for the key.

‘One of those people…?’  Madison thought. She couldn’t look him in the eye when she snatched the key from his grasp. She quickly scuttled to the bathroom door. She shoved the key into the lock and turned it.

“Oh, thank god.” She thought. The sight of a toilet emotionally washed away the pressing fears. She made it on time.

“Phew, that was a little close.” She thought, getting into the stall. She undid her belt then pulled down her pants. The relief seemed to reduce the stress on her bladder too. The weight lifted the moment she realized she wasn’t going to have an accident. She let her pants fall to the floor before dropping her butt onto the seat. The lingering stress of anxiety drained out of her, and into the bowl. The sound of pee splashing into the water; lasting seven seconds before it quickly dissipated into fast dribbles. The flow subsided to mere drops. That struck Madison as odd, she expected more than that.

“Eh.” She rationalized, deciding not to worry about it. “I probably could have made it to the restaurant if I wanted…” Madison admitted to herself. Although that amount of pee had become common for her lately. She stared blankly then sniffed in the bathroom silence. Immediately her hands snapped to the toilet paper roll.

Her car door slammed shut as she fell into the seat. She watched the illuminated drops splatter onto the windshield. She turned the key in the ignition and shook her head.

“I don’t want to be one of those people.”

***

Madison felt the rain had turn into drizzle. She pulled her hood down to feel the cool water on her face. She brushed her long single braid out of her hood and onto her right shoulder. She sniffled from the cold then opened the entrance to The Diner.

She stood in the glass doorway. She could look through the windows at the row of booths. She didn’t recognize any of the faces.

“Hm.” She thought, but then heard the door open behind her. She turned around and lit up.

“Oh hey! Andrew, right?” Madison said to him. She took a polite step back to let him walk in through the doorway.

“Hi there, yes that’s me!” Andrew said in a generally positive tone. Neither of them said anything as Andrew retracted his umbrella.

“Great way to not get wet.” Madison pointed out at the umbrella. She winced at how cringy that came off.

“What’s that?” Andrew said, looking up confused.

“Oh nothing. Just um, cool umbrella.” Madison said about his black umbrella. Andrew nodded then looked down to close it. Madison pursed her lips as he looked away.

“You sound like an IDIOT right now!” Madison thought to herself. She felt the balloon of confidence in her chest deflate.

“Yeah… thanks.” Andrew said, snapping back up. He motioned Madison toward the door. She smiled and opened it for him.

“If this couldn’t get any more awkward.” She thought, falling in line behind him. The two walked down the booths. Anderw selected one next the window. The two shuffled in and sat across one another. He picked up one of the menus behind the napkin dispenser then started reading it. She expected him to say something first, but he didn’t. After fifteen tense seconds she spoke up.

“So, yeah, you’re a bank teller. Do you um, do you like what you do? Being a bank teller? I imagine you must… work with money a lot.” Madison said, attempting to initiate small talk and relate to this man. Andrew looked up from the menu.

“Yeah, it’s not bad. You know it pays the bills. I’ve been doing it for… what... gosh five years now? It’s an easy job. If I’m being honest. I work at the one over in Walmart.” He mentioned plainly. Madison maintained a forced smile.

“Cool, yeah I think I’ve walked by there a couple times.” She said painfully. Madison’s elitism made her feel dejected from the date. Her eyes darted to the drink menu. She didn’t browse it. She knew her drink order already.

“A Manhattan and a Bud. I’ll put those in for you.” The waitress said a few minutes later. Madison slumped back in the booth. The compression of her waist ignited an annoying sensation in her bladder. Her mind woke from its bored daydream.

“No. I CANNOT piss myself in front of this guy. He already thinks I’m weird. Do I want to come across as the weird girl that wets herself?” Madison thought, then continued,” He doesn’t know I went earlier. How does he know how much water I drink in a day? For all her knows I could have had a full bladder when I walked in here” Madison rationalized. She started moving out of the booth.

“Yeah but you know, sometimes I do think about... oh.” Andrew said, looking up from his glass of water. Madison froze in the middle of standing up.

“Oh.” She froze, not wanting to interrupt the conversation. They stared at each other. Madison made a knee jerk decision.

“Hold that thought, I’ll be right back. I just have to pee.” She said quickly. Andrew didn’t say anything, he just threw a thumbs up and pulled out his phone. Madison rolled her eyes as they turned out of Andrew’s view. She walked down the rows of booths to the bathroom at the end.

“What the hell am I doing? I sound like a stuttering moron.” She said to herself. She walked up to the door and pushed it open. It was a single toilet. The floor looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in some time. She didn’t want to, but she pulled her pants down and sat on the seat again.

The flow was weak. A slow stream dropped into the water. It shut off after a few seconds. There was a pause. Madison leaned forward. Another stream, slightly stronger this time, splashed into the toilet. Her pee slowed into dribbles then stopped.

“Alright, I’m not going to have an accident. I don’t have to go anymore.” She reasoned. Her hands quickly grabbed toilet paper to wipe. She swiped dry twice then held the paper in her hand. She peered down between her feet. Her fingers pressed the center of her underwear to determine if it was wet.

“No, that’s normal.” Madison thought, feeling it was nearly dry. She flushed, then pushed off the seat and stood up. Her bladder didn’t feel any different. She pulled her pants back up and opened the stall.

“Alright… where did we sit again?” She scanned the rows of booths but couldn’t see Andrew’s face. She walked closer to her seat, but still couldn’t see him. “No…”

She stopped at their booth. On the table was $5 dollars, and a plastic cup with ice and Whiskey in it. Madison’s mouth dropped.

“Uhh!!” She said in a tiff. Her eyes looked out into the city lights to see if he’d just walked out, but she didn’t see anything.

Her gaze returned to the plastic cup. She downed it, threw $10, and left.

“Fucking asshole…” She said angrily while walking out the door.

***

Madison’s heels clacked on the tile as she walked through the indoor shopping plaza entrance. Her ponytail swayed from side to side. She took off her sunglasses then placed them in a black leather purse. Her eyes caught a glimpse of her watch.

“5 minutes early. Perfect timing.” She thought. It had been a rough month and a half for Madison. This was her first full day off since the accident. She wanted nothing more than to get a mani-pedi and drink. She walked past Sephora then took a left turn.

“Are you…!?” Madison thought when she saw the salon a few shops down. It was completely dark. Their open sign was off. Someone had taped a little white piece of paper onto the door. Madison furiously walked up to the note. She squinted and read the small handwriting.

“Closed: Family Emergency” Madison threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Urgh, seriously!? Great well what the hell am I supposed to do here now? I just drove forty-five minutes out here…” She thought. The opening bar down the hall caught her attention. She stood there for a moment pondering. It didn’t take long to decide.

The bar had an old-fashioned vibe to it. It had long shelves of liquor in front of a mirror, trimmed with dark hardwood. Madison didn’t pay much attention to the details. She b-lined straight for a seat. She slid onto a stool then picked up a menu.

“Do I want a beer?” She questioned, scanning the many options they had on tap. “You know I haven’t had something good in forever.” She thought. Her mind thought of the taste, but quickly associated it with building unnecessary pressure in her bladder. Madison took stock of how much pee was inside her already. It didn’t feel that full. She could pee if she wanted, but she didn’t have to be anywhere.

“Who cares if it makes me piss. I’m going to have to go anyways.” She resigned to herself before deciding on a heavy percentage sour.

When the bar tender placed it on the bar, she grabbed it and took a long sip. She placed it back down already a quarter gone.

“Ahh…” She sighed in relief. The agitation started to subside. She did what anyone drinking alone at the bar does and pulled out her phone. She pressed the thumb ID, it opened. Instinctually Madison navigated to Tinder.

“No… No. No… Eh… No… No, No, Yes, No…. No…” Madison thought as she swiped. She looked at the message icon, half expecting there to be a notifying red dot. There were no new messages. Her free hand grabbed her beer, then took another drink. She pressed the message icon anyways.

Her most recent messages did little to excite her. She scrolled down to look back at her old messages. None of them had transpired into a date since…

“Andrew…” She thought, stopping above his name. Her gaze remained fixed on his little profile picture next to the chat. “I still don’t understand what happened there. I was way out of his league. Ugh, what a douche to leave like that.” She thought, then pressed on the chat to open it. The date of the last message was from three weeks ago, discussing when they’d meet at The Diner.

“Whatever. I’m over it.” She thought, suddenly clicking the lock screen button on her phone. Another long drink went down smooth. Madison placed it back down on the bar. There wasn’t much left.

“Do I need to pee?” She thought at the sight of all that liquid going down. Her head darted around the room to find the nearest sign. In loopy letters read ‘Bathroom’ with an arrow pointing toward a pair of doors in the back. She felt her sudden onset anxiety ease knowing she was safe. If she had to go, the toilet was right there. Her gaze remained focused on the doors for a few moments.

“Fuck that accident.” She thought, “I’m not going to piss myself. I can hold it. It’s not going to happen again.” She reasoned. That train of thought help push her remaining anxiety down into submission. In its place, she started feeling uncomfortable. She subconsciously shifted her weight.

“I don’t need to go to the bathroom all the time.” She thought, thinking back to peeing before she left only forty-five minutes ago. “I’ve been… going too much. I’m fine. I can hold it like any other adult.” Her eyes scanned the room. She didn’t even see the bartender.

Madison looked behind her. Through the bar doors was a long hallway dotted with stores. At the very end was an open arcade. Bright lights flashed from the games. Maybe it was the sense of nostalgia enhanced from the near pint of beer in her belly. Or perhaps the thought of having no judgement fun was deeply alluring right now. Whatever it was, Madison knew where her next destination was. She turned to her beer and downed the rest.

“When was the last time I actually went to an arcade?” She thought, walking into the buzzing arcade. It made her search through her memories. The last time was at least before the early 2000’s. Madison felt a giddy excitement surface. Playing video games was fun but being an adult and tipsy while playing was even better.

“Wow this place is hopping.” She thought, it struck her as odd. “Isn’t it only 11 am in the morning?” Madison thought, before realizing that’s when most of an arcade’s clientele were there. The room smelled musty with a mix of old plastic and gloss. The sent ignited younger memories. Madison felt all her mind and thoughts absorb completely into its surroundings.

“I’ll take $30 worth.” Madison said happily to the college kid behind the counter. They took Madison’s crisp dollar bills then handed her a card with that amount. It took a moment for Madison to process it as her arcade tokens.

“Aren’t these supposed to be coins?” She thought, felling suddenly super old. She giggled to herself at the generation leap. Her high heels tapped gently on the hard rubber surface. As she walked by, a conversation spoke directly into earshot.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Ugh, you peed yourself.” Spoke a woman’s voice through the background.

Madison eye’s instinctually shot down to her pants. Her brain expected to see a dark stain forming between her legs. It flashed true as a moment, but then she recognized her pants felt dry. She clenched her bladder muscles hard. It was on reflex from the weight she’d notice had been building in the background. It reached at an alerting level. Madison frantically looked for a bathroom sign. She couldn’t see anything in the blur of beeping laser guns and explosions. She felt nervous knowing there wasn’t a safety net to catch her just in case.

She breathed in deep to reset her mind. She would be fine. There was no chance she was going to have an accident in front of everyone. Madison was an adult.

“There has to be a bathroom in here.” She thought, feeling her mind surface back to reality. She scanned the walls anticipating a bright neon sign. She couldn’t spot it immediately. It took her a couple minutes to navigate through the maze of towering arcade machines. Finally, she spotted it in a corner.

In the corner were four Skee ball tracks. On the left and right side was a bathroom door. Madison eyes adjusted to the bright yellow and red flashing numbers. The game’s signage and tracks looked well maintained. The light glinted off the white buckets with numbers 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, and 100 painted on them. Madison’s tension eased. She felt elated at the sight of the game. She hadn’t played Skee ball in forever. The bathrooms were right next to her in case she had to go. She reveled in the notion of getting to try her skills at it again. She could nail anyone one of those buckets.

She noticed a pair of college boys roaming toward her. She smirked then shied away to act uninterested. Her hair covered her peripheral view of them. Madison noticed the machines didn’t have card swipers like the other machines. You had to pay 25¢. She dug into her purse then collected 50¢. She popped one in her machine and one in the other. The balls racked the moment she dropped the coin.

Madison started out by rolling her first ball. She angled it just the way she used to straight down the wall. She was a pro at knocking down hundreds. It instantly bumped off the side and landed in a 30 bucket instead.

“Shit, okay not a bad start.” She reasoned, maybe she’d come off as hustling to the guy who started playing next to her. He rolled it down for an easy 10. Right before Madison sinked one in for a 50.

“Okay, okay. I knew I was dirty at this.” She thought, her fingers laced the ball exactly the way she threw it before. She angled the shot in her mind. Straight down the lane, right into the 100 in the back corner of the board.

“Damn.” The guy said next to her.

“Yup.” She said, right as her hand released. The ball moved exactly as she wanted it to down the lane. It popped up the ramp, then tear dropped into the bucket.

“WOOO!” Madison yelled, pumping her hand in the air. She turned to the impressed huddle with a confident smile.

Her eyes narrowed. Her mind focused every neuron to the vicinity of her crotch. Her panties absorbed warmth. She instantly recognized it as a small squirt of pee. She compressed her bladder muscles, they felt extremely achy and irritated. That stopped the flow for a moment.

“Uh.” She stammered quietly. Her feet pushed off the ground for a quick turnaround. Madison darted to the door closest to her. She grabbed at the handle, only to find it was locked. She looked down at the floor and saw a beam of light shimmering out of the door. Madison turned back around toward the boys. They looked with a mix of confusion and disgust. The other bathroom was on the other side of the group. Madison let out an exasperated sigh then walked around the group to the other door. She looked down and away from them as she walked by. She only heard a chuckle.

All her emotional being could do was pray the handle wasn’t locked. When her hand pressed down onto it, it turned and opened on her weight forward. The door snapped shut behind her. Her muscular limit was reached. She felt a soft trickle leak into her pants. It was merely stronger than dribbles, but she couldn’t stop this wave. She whimpered. Her hands moved as fast as possible to her button. It snapped open, she grabbed the hem of her pants and yanked them down. She tried to open the toilet lid and sit down at the same time. She miscalculated and ended up grabbing the seat too. Her butt landed fully into the toilet.

“Fuck!” She screamed; the shock broke the dam. Madison helplessly gushed pee into the cool toilet water. She didn’t fight it. She let what little control she had left relax into the bowl. Madison felt relief cascade down her back as her body released a roaring river. She rubbed her face to ease from the tension. Her gaze ended around her legs.

The center of her gray panties had a dark pee stain in the center. Pee stains dribbled in a straight line from the center of her panties to the back of her pants. She’d leaked all over them while attempting to get them off. Like a footprint trail indicating she didn’t quite make it on time.

Madison didn’t think of much. Her inner monolog was silent. She felt sad. She shook her head in disbelief.

“…What…?”

The door opened. Madison forgot to lock it in her haste. A woman’s eyes locked with Madison’s through the mirror. They each reflected a shocked look at one another.

“Fuck lady lock the door.” She said, it was the same voice she heard early asking if Madison had wet herself. The woman slammed the door shut.

Chapter 3: Medical Opinions

Everyone in the waiting room jolted from the sound of the door opening. A woman with red hair and glasses appeared in the doorway.

"Ms. Finely?” The woman spoke to the group of strangers sitting together. Madison looked up from her phone at Dr. Elion. She nodded then stood up from her chair.

“Yep, that’s me.” Madison acknowledged, locking her phone then placing it in her pocket.

“It’s great to meet you, I’m Dr. Elion.” She greeted. Madison’s eyes shot to the white and brown name plates next to the door.

‘DR. CAROL ELION, UROLOGIST’

She winced in embarrassment. Madison felt the doctor announced to everyone what she was there for. Madison moved quickly through the door threshold, then followed behind Dr. Elion. The two navigated through the hallways. It smelled clean, like an assistant had just vacuumed and sprayed fresh linen scent. Vague water paintings hung on the walls, depicting scenes of warm beaches. Dr. Elion stopped at an open examination room door. She directed Madison into it then followed behind. The door slid shut.

“Well good morning Ms. Finely. I read the report your primary care physician sent me. I got a brief snapshot of your medical history, but if you don’t mind, I’m going to ask some additional questions here to get a better picture of what’s happening.” Dr. Elion said.

“You can call me, Madison. And yes absolutely.” She said, Madison shifted her weight on the plushy examination table. She felt uneasy from the examination room walls.

“Have you or your family ever had a history of bladder issues in the past?” Dr. Elion asked clearly.

“No.” Madison said affirmatively. Dr. Elion looked up from her iPad.

“Nothing? Your grandparents never developed incontinent symptoms?” Dr. Elion followed-up.

“No, absolutely not. Not that I know of at least. I mean I wasn’t too close to my grandparents.” She said.

“Hm, okay…” Dr. Elion said, she added a note to Madison’s records.

“Um, Dr. Elion?” Madison said, feeling suddenly the need to fully explain herself. Dr. Elion looked back up and smiled.

“Yes?” She said sincerely.

“Look, you don’t think there’s anything seriously wrong with me, do you? I’m not an old person that pees themself. I’m thirty-two years old. Nobody around me has these issues. The only logical explanation I can think of is I have a bladder infection, but I wash myself and my apartment religiously.”

"I wouldn't assume so either. Any logical bacterial infection would present symptoms of pain in your Urethra. I'm still going to order blood work on you just to make sure we're not missing anything. Once in a blue moon we find something.” Dr. Elion said. The conversation paused. Madison watched her tap boxes on the screen.

"When did you start noticing these symptoms?" Dr. Elion asked analytically.

"Well what do you mean? Like when did I start feeling different? Or when did I start having accidents?" Madison asked meekly. Although her tone still had an adult composure to it.

"Oh, you're experiencing daytime incidents?" Dr. Elion said concerned. Madison grimaced.

“How many daytime incidents have you had?"

"Well, it's complicated? I haven't had many big full-blown accidents. I’d categorize that as an accident where I have a full bladder, and everything comes out at once. I guess I’ve had…. Three? Sorta three and a half, full bladder accidents. The first one I had was about seven months ago. I was at work and I don’t know, it was just the perfect storm that day. I couldn’t reach the bathroom before a meeting and I ended up wetting myself in front of the CEO.” Dr. Elion stopped writing.

“Wow, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Dr. Elion said, her sympathies were accepted.

“It was, I ended up leaving that job because of it. Nobody looked at me the same ever again. I was doing fine for a while but then I had another accident about six weeks ago.” Madison said, pausing for Dr. Elion to catch up in her notes.

“That time I was in my car. I knew it was going to happen too. I drank too much water before leaving the house. I thought I could last the hour and a half car ride, but I mistimed it. It got everywhere in the seat. I had to cancel plans with my friends because of it. I ended up going back home instead.” She said, waiting longer this time for Dr. Elion to ready again.

“But the last time was about three weeks ago. It’s what made me finally call the doctor. I was at my friend’s house playing boardgames. I held out for too long trying to get to the end of the game. I managed to only dribble a little on my way to the bathroom, so they couldn’t tell I was wetting, but I was basically done peeing by the time I got my pants down. It was so embarrassing. That was kind of a wake-up call. I peed maybe, if I had to put a number on it… around a cup? No, not that much. A little less. Well I guess it wasn’t entirely my maximum bladder capacity… That’s certainly more than a cup. I don’t know it was a normal accident amount. I had to wrap a towel around my waist. I told them I had to get something from outside. They knew. They joke about me being the weak bladder girl during parties all the time. I couldn’t stop crying in the car, so I just left.”

“Mm.” Dr. Elion hummed. She checked more boxes and circled portions of her notes. She spoke up.

"Okay I-" Dr. Elion said.

"Dr. Elion look I-" Madison said, they both stopped, not wanting to talk over one another. Dr. Elion broke the awkward silence.

"Call me, Carol." She said, then pointed at Madison for her to continue.

"Sorry, Carol. This sounds like something you can fix right? I'm weirded out by it if I'm being honest. I've never had bladder problems in my entire life. Nobody gets problems like this until they're 80. Do you think it's an infection? Something I could regulate with medicine?" Madison pleaded. Dr. Elion sighed then crossed her arms around her iPad. She leaned back up against the countertop.

"Madison, there are numerous ways one’s bladder can start experiencing incontinent issues during any stage of life. Numerous adults develop some level of incontinence as they age. There is a misconception that the only way young adults develop incontinence is through infection. That only makes up a small percentage of the incontinent population. In fact, the most common is phycological. Incontinence can, and often is, critically linked to neurological and mental conditionings." She said.

"Mental... Conditionings?"

"Yes, you can mentally develop incontinence. Another misconception is the only way to develop neurological issues is via hard impacts or concussions. That’s not the case. We have the strongest influence on our plastic brains. Getting yourself into habits that are detrimental to your bladder control can happen. This starts to blend into the realm of phycological therapy, which I am not qualified to treat you with. However, I have seen patients your age develop incontinence this way.”

“Is… Is that what…. You think I’m doing?” Madison asked. Her heart and hopes sank into darkness. Her mind held onto her every word.

“I’m saying that this could be a possible reason. From what you’ve told me, if it’s just these isolated incidents, then I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions yet. Overall, I’m just concerned with figuring out how to best help your condition. Is there any more problems or incidents you can think of? The more you tell me the better picture I have.” Dr. Elion said, she sounded systematic in her approach.

“Your condition….” Floated in Madison’s head.

“Well um, I guess I do dribble in my pants a lot. My bladder gets full easily, especially if I’m drinking all day. I’ve had to cut down on my coffee and fluid intake in general. If I stretch out my bladder for too long my underwear will get wet from the dribbles. That’s when I know I have to go to the bathroom. I’ve ruined some of my favorite leggings recently with pee stains. I don’t want to have an accident, plus it’s just annoying when your bladder feels full all the time. So, a lot of the time I’ll just go around every half hour, so I don’t have to feel uncomfortable anymore.” Madison confessed.

“So, you’re urinating between fifteen to twenty times a day?” Dr. Elion asked.

“Give or take yeah… Well, and the couple times I go at night.” Madison added. That last part sparked her full attention again.

“Have there been any incidents at night?” Dr. Elion asked, looking straight into her eyes.

Madison felt her cheeks flush a warm deep red. She broke eye contact and instead stared down at where the floor meets the wall. She saw two Blue Tang fish stickers.

“Yes.” She admitted.

“How many have you had?” Dr. Elion asked. Madison felt frustration from having all her recent insecurities laid out and analyzed. She pulled back from being completely descriptive and tried painting her problems in a positive light.

“They’re not that bad. I could control it better at night if I wanted to. I’ve only wet the bed a couple times. All of them I was awake for at some point. Part of it was because I peed in my dream. I have no time to react because I’m already peeing by the time I wake up. It’s frustrating and annoying. The last one I had I was still really sleepy, and I ended up falling back asleep while waiting for it to stop. The first time I wet the bed was about two months ago. I think I did again three days later, but I’ve only had two bed wetting accidents since then. It does make it hard to fall asleep sometimes. I’m nervous about staying dry. I haven’t stayed at any friend’s house lately because of it.” Madison explained, not totally sure if that was too much information. Dr. Elion didn’t appear to react negatively or positively to anything Madison was saying. It was confusing to know what information she needed most.

All this talk about peeing made Madison hyper-focus on the growing levels in her bladder. Her sphincter spiked in pain. It was sudden and caused Madison to perk up from her slouched position. She subconsciously crossed her feet together. Desperation fluttered in her chest. Her toes curled from the intensity. Her mind frantically visualized how this situation could go.

“Should I just go??” She thought, she imagined herself peeing right in front of Dr. Elion. She would be shocked. Or would she? Was it common for her patients to pee themselves on the examination table? It’s certainly happened before. Did she almost expect Madison to do it? For a split second, that made Madison almost consider just going. It would be a good demonstration of her problem.

“No what the hell am I thinking!?” She thought, shaking away those ideas. Instead she decided the best option now was to go to the bathroom. But she didn’t have time to push off the table before Dr. Elion continued.

“I think what we’re going to do is schedule another visit. I’m seeing a huge influx in patients right now because of COVID, but I think we can try to get you in here within the next month. In the meantime, I’ll look at your test results when they come back. If we find anything, I’ll give you a call to start you on a round of antibiotics. Until then I want you to write down and catalog any accidents you have. This will give me a better idea of how frequent you’re urinating, and the overall control of your bladder.” Dr. Elion said, she took a breath and collected herself. Her demeanor grew more serious.

“This is never an easy conversation.” She started. Madison’s felt like she was sinking. She knew what was about to come next. The pain in her bloated bladder only made it feel worse. Like she needed this talk.

“You may want to consider incontinent protection. This doesn’t have to be a twenty-four seven commitment. For now, when you are away from a bathroom for extended periods of time. I would recommend you wear protection to assure yourself.” Dr Elion expressed; she knew how hard it was to say this to someone. Madison took it as well as she could.

“You’re recommending I wear diapers?” Madison said, it didn’t hit her until she said it. Her mind rejected the idea vehemently. “That’s not fair, I thought the whole point of this was, so I didn’t have to wear them! Why can’t we just start medication? Why wait?” Madison said, coming off as desperate. At the surface she tried to convince herself, but deep down she knew. The mountain of evidence she just spilled didn’t help her case.

“I am not saying that you are diaper dependent. Let’s make sure that clear between us. Although, it is undeniable that you are beginning to experience bouts of incontinence in your daily and sleeping life. We need to work together here to figure out what exactly is causing that. Making a knee jerk decision now might actually cause more harm than good down the line.” Dr. Elion said directly to Madison. She was rehearsed in delivering bad news. She collected herself then finished.

“What I will say Ms. Finley.” She said, pausing to make sure Madison looked her in the eyes, “Intense phycological trauma can manifest itself in many ways. You have been through a lot in the past seven months. Make sure that you are dealing with that in a healthy way. It may be discomforting but prolonged releasing of empty or partially full bladders can lead to incontinence. It’s a tough pill to swallow, believe me I know. I don’t think any less of you, this happens to plenty of people. Right now, though, that’s what I think is going on here. Practice holding it while you are in a safe environment like at home. Continue that practice in public, but I suggest protection just in case.” Dr. Elion finished. She understood how hard this was for Madison. It was clear on her face this was a devastating blow. They didn’t exchange words for a few seconds. Madison broke the silence. Another shocking round of pain demanded it.

“Well thank you, Dr. Elion. I really appreciate your time. I’ll certainly do that.” Madison lied. She felt disheveled. She wished there were a window so she could quickly jump out of it.

“I don’t need diapers.” She thought, as Dr. Elion walked over to shake her hand.

“We’ll figure this out, Madison. I’ll do everything I can.” She said optimistically. The sentiment did nothing to quell her crushing forlorn. She just smiled and nodded.

The pressure in her bladder spiked to inches from the point of no return. Madison’s depression was replaced with critical urgency. She stood up from the examination table. Quickly she scuttled to the door. Dr. Elion shot a strange look, normally she was the one who decided when the examination was over.

“Thank you!” Madison said, desperately moving forward. She didn’t wait for a response. She opened the door and slipped through it the moment there was a crack. Her nostrils filled with fresh clean air. She pressed her thighs in between each other. It was the last line of defense she had before an accident. She managed to waddle down the hall back to entrance to the waiting room. With shaky hands she gripped the knob and turned.

“Ermf…” She muttered, feeling suddenly a dribble slip out. Her crotch warmed. Most of the people she waited with were still there. They all looked up at her. Madison felt intense fear and adrenaline sear her decision making. Her eyes flicked to the bathroom across the room.

“I’d rather have an accident in the car than in front of these people.” She thought, making the split second decision. She walked as fast as she could to the exit.

“Wait Ms. Finley! Would you like to set up your next appointment!?” The lady from behind the counter yelled.

“I’ll call you!!!” Madison yelled back. She pushed through the glass door and back outside. The cold air slapped her in the face. It contrasted the warm pee helplessly trickling out of Madison. She felt a line of pee cascade down her inner right thigh, down the calf, and into her shoe. At the same time, another line started rolling down the inside of her left thigh. Quickly, those lines started growing into thick rivers.

“Oooohh oooo!” Madison whined, opening her car door quickly then jumping into her front seat. She couldn’t stop it. There was no use at this point. Her bladder finished releasing the last of it. Madison didn’t even fight it. She let it flow out into her car seat.

“Ugh fucking christ. I piss myself AT the doctors!?!? Did anyone see?” Madison thought. She looked out from her windshield into the waiting room window. Only one old lady stared at her. She had a sad sympathetic look. She knew.

Madison looked back down, the trickle subsided to an end. She whiffed an intense scent of urine. Her mind connected a distant dot.

“This is why my car is starting to smell.” She thought. Her white seat cushion was becoming discolored from her accidents.

“I need to clean the pee stains out of my car seat.” She thought, adding it to the growing list of things she needed to clean her pee out of.

Chapter 4: I Just- I Just- Dream (Ft. Long_Rifle)

Madison walked above the city lights. She looked melancholy down at the bright blurs squiggling through the streets. The Milky Way spun above the skyline.

*Sigh*

She sat down on an invisible bench. She dropped her chin into her hands.

“Dreaming…” She muttered. When it was moments like this, she knew it was all a dream, but it was still easy to get lost in the world.

Soft mist played against her skin and gently moved her hair as Madison walked through it. She thought for just an instant about where she was, but almost as quickly it was gone and she was back in the moment. “At least it’s nice and cool.” she thought. Smiling while running her fingers through it. Eddy currents spun away from them while she walked forward through the fog. Madison was smiling and laughing, wondering why she wasn’t getting wet when a final step took her out of the mist, and into open sky.

She stared out and down at the lights of the town far below her and nodded, “A dream. Of course it’s a dream.” She could feel her pulse rising, and the rush of adrenaline that meant she was about to wake herself up. She focused into the distance and tried to relax everything. Madison hadn’t had a lucid dream for a long time, but she still remembered everything. And as she relaxed the adrenaline dump faded and the threat of waking up went with it. “Screw it, time to relax and work on my little problem where I have complete control.

It felt like an old memory as she walked down the street, people came and went, conversations seemed important but always hushed. She smiled as she remembered that detail from the past. “It’s just background being built by my subconscious. Nothing I need to be concerned about.” The smile faded when something odd caught her attention. It was a baby stroller, but it looked huge. “Okay. I’m not dealing with it like that.” she thought as she moved towards it.

When she got close enough to notice it was occupied she stopped and wondered who was in it. “Dream Madison. It doesn’t matter who or what is in it.” she decided. Then as if she had moved instantly, she was standing next to it. Staring down into the face of one of her best friends. She blinked and bit her lips as she tried to remember the woman’s name, “Who the hell are you?” But some part of the dream didn’t want her to know. Or that part of the brain was shut off while she was asleep. “Fuck it.” she said. “Time for therapy l guess.” she looked at the large mentally regressed woman and set her hands on her shoulders. “You’re not a baby, you’re an adult and you need to act like it.”

For a moment there seemed to be a spark of knowledge in the woman’s eyes. Her face changed and took on a concerned look. Then it shifted to fear, until a sudden rushing noise from the diaper she was wearing pulled her back into baby land. Madison stepped back, alarmed at the instant change. “No. I’m the boss here.” she said forcefully. She stepped back to the large baby and grabbed it by the shoulders again. “You will be an adult. That’s reality. That’s real. Just because you have an accidents doesn’t mean you’re a baby! You need to snap out of this! Stop letting it affect you.” A moment of lucid thought reminded her she was basically talking to herself. “Yeah yeah, I know. I just need to follow my own advice.” Madison whispered under her breath.

As if it had been waiting for that breakthrough the dream changed. She was still standing in front of the stroller. And there was still someone in it. But now they were inside somewhere. The air felt slightly cooler, and there was an earthy smell in the air. Madison looked around, her eyes seemed to slide off the walls and back onto the floor. As if her mind hadn’t yet decided what to put there yet. It looked wrong, but she knew that it was a simple fix. “Let’s just sort that part out then.” There was a warm flash and she found herself inside her own bedroom. She allowed herself to smile, “Well at least I’m getting my control back.” She turned back to the stroller and felt a slight shock when she saw it was completely empty. “Okay. Does this mean I don’t need to worry about it?”

Madison stepped closer to the stroller there was soft smell of perfume coming from it, “At least it doesn’t stink.” she thought as she leaned inside, slowly stroking the padding the see if it was warm or cold. There was a sudden flash, a moment of falling and she found herself blinking and shaking her head while flat on her ass. When she finally managed a clear look around her she gasped to see she was sitting in the stroller now. “Fuck that!” she said. And moved to stand up. Only to find she was securely strapped in. “Okay, this has to go right now...” she fumbled with the button that held the straps tight. Her fingers felt clumsy and numb. For an instant she felt the sensation of waking up and relaxed, “I’m not leaving until the baby shit is over.” she said with a yell. That gave her enough concentration to push the button and release herself. She sprang forward onto her feet and felt something off between her legs.

Her hand snaked down below her waist and discovered the thick padding of a large diaper, the crinkle told her it was disposable. “Okay. Nope.” she concentrated. “Maybe something lacy...” she thought. There was warmth between her legs and then nothing. She frowned when she still felt the mass there.

“I know that look, does Maddi Waddi need her diapies changed?” Madi stopped fidgeting and closed her eyes. “It sounds like Mom. But it isn’t. It’s just my imagination. SHE’S NOT THERE!”

“Well let me take a look at it sugar. You know you don’t want to sit on it any longer then you have to.” her mother said.

“Not going to happen lady.” she shouted back and stepped away. Humiliated by the waddle she was forced into. “Panties! I wear panties! Lacy sexy ones mom, I don’t need you checking anything.” She concentrated on the image in her head. Sure, that as she did she could feel the bulge between her legs fade away. She smiled and stuck her tongue out at the image of her mother and with a quick pull she had her pants down. Then with a snide thought they were gone. “See mom? All clean and dry like a big girl!” she said mockingly.

To her shock her mother bent down and stared, “Good girl, you know you’re dry! Let mommy know when you’re wet!”

Madison was ready to scream she set her hand down on her panties to stick a finger under the band and snap it when she felt plastic instead of the silk she was expecting. “The hell is...” Her head snapped down and took in the diaper she was wearing. The only off thing about it was the lacy pattern covering it. “Panties! Not diapers!” she screamed.

“Those are cute, but I thought you liked the Pony ones?” her mother said with a soft lilt to her voice. Like she didn’t really mean it, and didn’t expect Madison to catch on.

“Eat shit mom! I don’t need diapers!” In a flash she had it ripped off and rolled up tight. She didn’t remember doing that but figured it was an aspect of her dream and went with it. “You can just put all your feelings about diapers along with this one in the garbage!” she tossed it towards a corner. Imaging a garbage bin for it to land in. But what appeared was an oversized diaper pail. “No!” she yelled.

“I’ll get that with the rest of your diapers when it’s full Madi.” her mother said as she walked out the door.

Madison felt incensed at the mention of her old childish name. “No! This is done! This is all done!” she pointed her mother and imaged her stopping, when she did Madison smiled, knowing she still had control. “Alright. I’m obviously hung up on the accidents and diapers. You’re obviously here to point something out that my subconscious wants me to know.”

“I’m here to help my baby, that’s just a mommy loving her special little girl.” the figure said without turning around.

“I’m literally arguing with myself.” Madison said with a groan. She sat down on her bed and was surprised at how soft it was, for an instant she felt everything start to fade, before popping up and forcing the dream to continue, she looked up at her dream mother and almost giggled. “This is some serious solipsism you know. I’m not a baby, I know that. I don’t need the added stress of pissing everywhere you know.”

She looked up at her ceiling and saw her fan was gone. A large mobile spun in its place. She was about to wish it away when she had an epiphany. “That’s it isn’t it? By constantly fighting it I’m just pushing myself further in.” She felt lightheaded. “Is it that easy?” She looked down at the form of her mom and thought she looked bigger. “Is that it? What do you think?”

The specter of her mother giggled. “Maybe. You’ve been so stressed. My baby needs to learn to accept things. To relaaxxxx.”

As Madison watched she grew taller. Then she noticed everything around her grew taller. Until it clicked that she was growing smaller. “Really? So I learn to let me relax and understand what’s going on and I don’t need a shrink to do it for me?”

She walked closer to her mother, and caught her reflection in a mirror her real room didn’t have. “Naked?” she said. But she was relieved to see she at least still had her adult features.

“Nakie baby Madi.” her mother said warmly. “We need to get you in your special night pants and you need to relax and let me take care of you.”

Madison looked at the floor and sighed. She tried to remember even taking a breath to make the sound, but couldn’t, she knew the part of the brain that controlled and detected irrational things didn’t operate during dreams. But it was still jarring.

“More jarring then having your mother wrap you in a diaper Madi Wadi?” It sounded like the old woman meant to mock her.

Madison smiled wickedly, “More jarring then kicking your-“ in a blur everything changed again. She wasn’t standing, she was on her back and her mother was standing in front of her, lifting a thick diaper between her legs. “Not like this!” she yelled. But her mother smiled down and brought it up anyways. Madison squirmed and fought but the diaper was in place and secured without issue. “Take it off! Take it off!” she yelled.

“What happened to letting go? To relaxing that control you’ve had so long, I think I know a little baby that needs this so much.” she ran her fingers under the leg bands to straighten the leak guards as she spoke. “I think you look cute like this, and that means you think you look cute like this.” she picked up the tiny adult figure and lay her down in the crook of one of her arms like a real infant.  “And that means you really do want what I’m about to give you.”

Madison’s eyes bulged as the breast popped free. And single bead of off white liquid dripped from it. “No! Wake up! I don’t want this!” The dream started to fade and the familiar feeling of vertigo started up. Then the light in the room flickered and everything snapped back into focus. Madison looked out across the room that had morphed completely into an infant’s nursery. “I’m done! I’m waking up!” She yelled as she struggled against the strong arms and worse, against the urge to see if she could taste in her dreams, “Wake up!”

The nipple was coming closer as she struggled. She took a breath to scream and it was between her lips. Madison did the only thing left, she bit down as hard as she could. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth and she felt herself falling. She thrust her hands and legs out before hitting the floor, when she finally opened her eyes it was still feet away. “I’m floating...” she said weakly. She could still feel the fear of losing control and was no longer concerned about learning anything in her dream, she just wanted out. With a blink and twitch she seemed to be back on her feet. Followed immediately by the rumble of thunder, then a very familiar voice coming from all around her.

“Is that how you treat others? Baby should know not to bite, unless she’s too young...” It didn’t sound like her mother anymore. It was her voice, and it sounded angry. “You want to piss and shit yourself young lady, well let mommy help you.”

Madison shook her head and looked around her. The room had faded and she was back outside, she prepared to run but the bulge between her legs was back. The first step was a shock as her feet tangled and she almost fell over. “This is wrong.” she said. “This is a dream and I’m done with it. Wake up Madison! I’m telling you, wake up!” But unlike before whatever control she had seemed to have left her. And now she was stuck until her body naturally woke up. “Shit!”

“Does little Madi need to make a poopy?” It still sounded like it was coming from everywhere, but now it somehow seemed like it was closer. “That’s what your Pampers are for. Then mommy can change you when you’re done.” The anger was gone. But it was still her voice. Still her unconscious telling her what she should do.

She reached for the tapes on the diaper and pulled. But instead of coming loose the diaper thickened and pushed her legs farther apart. “I’m not wearing these! Take them off!” she stomped her foot then realized what that made her look like. Madison felt shame and humiliation at what she had been reduced to doing. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, when she opened them she was standing back on the street from the start of her dream, but now there were people everywhere, and they were all looking at her. She had an instant to understand she was back to normal size, then she remembered she was naked in front of dozens of strangers in a huge diaper. Her arms should over her body to cover herself and the huge diaper she was wearing.

“None of you exist!” she screamed as low murmurs filled her ears. Their pitch increased quickly turning into jeers and laughing. “This is bullshit! It’s a dream and none of this matters!” She let her arms drop to her sides and stood up as straight as she could. “Who cares if you see me like this, any second I’m going to wake up and you all cease to exist. I’m not a diaper baby, I’m a big girl.”

A member of the crowd stepped forward, an extremely tall woman that towered over everyone, “Not a diaper baby? You’re a big girl? Do you really think that’s how an adult would respond?” she said it with a smile, like she didn’t even expect a response. “Maybe you should just relax and enjoy yourself and forget about all the stress of making it to the potty.”

“I don’t need your help, I don’t need any of this. I just want to get up and forget I ever had this stupid dream.” Madison felt most of the tension leaving her body as she said it. As if that was the real lesson she was supposed to learn. Then a strange warmth between her legs pulled her attention down to the diaper she was wearing. As she stared it discolored and started to sag. “I’m not...”

The woman spoke again, this time she sounded exactly like her mother. “You’re not making a pee pee like a baby? Can’t you tell, I thought you were a big girl.” It was back to the slick mocking she had heard before.

Madison turned to run again, away from her mother and the laughing crowd, the wet diaper suddenly bulged as she took a step and she tumbled to the ground. Pain blossomed from her head as it violently smacked against it. Her mouth opened to scream, instead the wail of an infant emerged. Madison tried to stop, but whatever control she had was gone. She rolled over on her back and wailed until her hands found something and pulled it onto her mouth. She looked down and saw her foot in her hands, and her toes between her teeth. A shadow over her pulled her away from the strange image and into the smiling face of her mother.

“Looks like the poo poo monster is back! And even better it looks like my special little girl is as well.” she picked up the squirming woman and shushed her. “Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to your diapers.” She tickled Madison and she chortled loudly like a real baby. “You even sound happier already. Let’s get that icky diaper off and I can finally let you have a little milk.”

Madison’s absolute last line of defense was to close her eyes.

“Not real…” She whispered to herself. She didn’t feel like anything changed. When she opened her eyes, she was standing in the checkout line at her local grocery store. Clad in only a diaper, she felt cramps in her bowels spike.

“Oh.. no. Stop it. Why do I have to go this bad?” Madison murmured to herself. She pressed her right hand into the back of her diaper. She desperately tried to hold back the powerful pressure in her bowels. She did the same up into her crotch. Her bladder felt like a glass about to overflow. This was her absolute last line of defense.

“Hmf… Mrm…” She whimpered. Her feeble attempts at controlling her body only stymied the inevitable. She squirmed, feeling poop push involuntarily into her diaper. Hot pee spilled out of her.

“Noo…..” She said, looking down. Her diaper was saggy and discolored. It didn’t look like her first accident in that diaper. The squishy mess piled on in the back. A loud fart popped, it caught the attention of the lady in front of Madison.

“What?” The woman said in shock. She turned around, then looked Madison up and down.

“Eww… gross. Did you just poop yourself? Are you pooping yourself right now? The bathrooms are RIGHT THERE!” The lady pointed. Madison looked in the direction she was pointing. It was just a blank wall behind the cash registers. She frantically scanned around for a sign but couldn’t find anything.

“Where!? I can’t find it!??” She yelled, looking back. The lady had a much softer look on her face. It brought a sense of calm to Madison.

“Aw, you don’t know where the potty is? That’s okay. I didn’t know you were dumb.” She spoke. Madison beamed.

“Eee..” She smiled, feeling suddenly happier. An adult told her that it was okay. She stopped trying to hold back, her body released fully. Warmth splattered freely into her diaper. It felt normal. She remembered doing this in the store last time she was here. She closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling. This was right.

When she opened her eyes she saw her reflection in the bedroom mirror. She wasn’t wearing anything except a dry disposable diaper. She popped her butt out to get a better angle of it.

“Mmm… It’s really thick.” She said she tried some additional poses, then looked down at her corduroy pants. “Everyone is going to know I have my diaper on.” She thought, then looked back into the mirror. She had the pants on. The pants were tight. They curved around every angle of the diaper. It was extremely obvious what she was wearing.

She looked away to catch the time.

“SHIT I’M LATE FOR WORK!” She realized; it was twenty minutes past when she usually got in. She felt intense anxiety light up her brain. She rushed to her bedroom door and opened it. She walked out of the bathroom doorway to her job and into the sea of cubicles. She had the corduroy pants on. It felt like everyone knew she had a diaper on. Her dress jacked melted into a white T-Shirt that said “Pampers” in light blue loopy text.

She couldn’t look any of her coworkers in the eye. She could see their disgusted looks in her peripheral vision. They cupped their mouths and whispered gossip to one another as she passed.

“She’s wearing a diaper.” One spoke.

“Hasn’t she always worn diapers?”

“I bet she poops herself too.”

“She always smells like piss.”

“She must have forgotten to put one on that day.” Lilly said.

“SHUT UP!” Madison said, spinning around suddenly to confront her. Except, it wasn’t Lilly when she turned around. It was her boss, Tim.

“I wasn’t expecting you to come in today. You know, after what happened yesterday?” He said, then pointed at Madison’s groin. She looked down. Leak stains streaked down her pants. Her diaper bulge was three times thicker. It was nearly comical. The hyper-bulge extended to her kneecaps. She felt the same despair from the accident surface.

“I-I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to have an accident.” She pleaded, her face flushed deep red. She looked back up.

“What do you mean? You have accidents all the time! That’s why you just peed yourself.” Madison’s mother, Melinda, said. They weren’t in the office. They were in the middle of her childhood home’s living room. She wasn’t wearing anything except a slightly used diaper.

“Really, Mommy?” Madison said she hopped in excitement. Her mother’s opinion trumped any thought process. She felt giddy happiness connect in her body. It relaxed her and made the situation way less serious. She clinged her entire existence onto each word.

“Of course!! When we start potty training that’s when you can worry about holding it. But that’s not for a very, very long time.” Melinda said, she patted the front of her daughter’s exposed diaper. “Pee yourself as much as you want, Madison. You’re not potty trained.”

Something in Madison’s mind clicked. She instinctively peed herself with zero resistance. It didn’t matter to her. She had never been potty trained before. She didn’t know anything else. She stopped paying attention to it because it felt so normal.

“I pee pee as much I want, Mommy!” Madison said happily to reflect her mother’s sentiment. Her mother looked delighted. She nodded profusely.

Madison felt a devious idea excite her. She squatted, then pushed. She didn’t know why, but if she did this, then usually a lot of pee came out. Her stream erupted into an absolute flood. She didn’t let up. Her body had an infinite amount of pee to gush. The harder she pushed; the more pee smashed into the padding. Quickly the diaper sagged and discolored. It could only absorb so much at a time. Madison giggled, feeling her pee splash into a growing pool. It splattered and tickled her. It started to spill out the sides. It only made her push harder. She exceeded physical human barriers.  Her flow reached the same intensity as a spewing fire hydrant. The force snapped the tapes of the diaper. It fell to the soaked ground. Buckets of pee splashed onto the diaper/floor.

“Ehehe.. Heheh pee peee!!!” She giggled excitedly, her legs kicked to swim in the pool of pee that filled the room.

“This is why you need diapers!” Dr. Elion said behind Madison.

“Huh?” Madison said, she was sitting on the carpet of her Kindergarten classroom. Dr. Elion pointed down at her crotch. She had an obvious wet accident stain in her light blue sweatpants.

“Oh snap, I had an accident.” Madison said, zero part of her recalled it. The inertia from the moment before made it all make sense though. Of course, she’s going to have an accident when she acted like that.

She felt the dark pee stain between her legs, and the puddle of pee on the carpet beneath her. It didn’t phase her. Dr. Elion bent down to get closer to Madison. She was dressed in the same bug pattern dress her kindergarten teacher often wore.

“You’re not ready for the potty yet, dear. Don’t worry! Remember our talk last week? We’re not going to get upset if you aren't ready. Lots of kids your age need diapers.” Ms. Elion said. Madison looked across the room. All her friends and family members played childlike games. Clad in droopy diapers. She looked back up at Ms. Elion.

“I don’ need da p-p-p-potty mws ewon?” She said it had taken years of therapy to work out her stutter. She easily slotted back into it.

“Absolutely not! Kids who can’t spell don’t use the potty.” Ms. Elion said.

“I g-g-go-go-good at s-spelwing!” Madison exclaimed, she started going to work on the personal chalkboard she had in front of her. At first, she tried drawing a simple letter “O.” She couldn’t quite time the curvature right. It ended up being a long squiggly line, with a sharp turn at the end. Determined, Madison tried again. This time on the number “1.” She didn’t make it halfway down the line before her mind started to wander. Her hands moved whimsically into drawing scribbles. It reflected the mushy thoughts in her mind. She couldn’t form rational thought. The muscles in her face relaxed. Her lips drooped. Drool spilled out of her mouth, then dripped onto the board. The drops would get caught in her chalk. It mixed into a wet chalky mess.

“Baum mum mwom.” She babbled, popping up and down in her squelching diaper. She felt the sudden urge to poop, then immediately messed her diaper. She stopped thinking about it before she even finished. She just liked feeling her butt get warmer and mushier with each bounce. Intense pleasure cascaded out of her, blitzing her mind into incoherent sensations.

“okay yeah that’s enough.” Maddison thought. She pushed herself out of that world. She moved through a void while her thoughts simply consumed her. She pushed her brain to change the scene around her.

“I’m not, that. I don’t do that.” She said to herself as she opened the glass front door. She click clacked into the ice cream bar. The floor was small white and black hexagonal linoleum. A perfect ice cream Sundae sat on the wooden bar. Madison found her seat on the bar stool. She could tell she wasn’t wearing a diaper from the added sensation around her butt.

Madison placed her forehead into one hand and grabbed the small silver spoon with the other. She dunked the metal into her ice cream. The delicious taste of sweet cold cream rolled down her tongue. It made her feel a little better.

“I just need to keep eating this ice cream and I’ll feel better.” She thought, taking another bite. Her emotions felt too heavy. A knee jerk reaction made her need something else to take care of them. She munched on a bite. Her thumb pressed in between her lips. Her eyes fluttered. Blissful relaxation blanketed her emotions. She could feel ice cream digging underneath her nail. Ice cream spilled out between sucks.

“Ugh NO!” Madison exclaimed, popping her thumb out. She looked down at her hands. They were covered in sticky ice cream mess. She couldn’t find the spoon anywhere.

“Oh yeah that’s right.” She realized, suddenly grabbing a fist full of ice cream. Her hands chilled from the cold touch. She shoved a large melty piece into her face. It splattered across her cheeks, chin, and forehead.

Madison looked at her reflection in a mirror from across the bar. She had on a pointy cone hat. She smiled at how cute she looked.

“Mama I n-na-need a napkin!” She said, laughing at herself. She wiggled in the silly thoughts that rushed into her brain. Her mind caught itself slipping again. She pushed hard out of the shop.

“STOP.” She said finally. She closed her eyes. It birthed a whirl of green and bright light. The sun’s rays beamed through the leaves. She drew in a deep calming breath. The smell of moist pine filled her lungs.

“Ahh.” She sighed in relief. Her muscles relaxed. She felt the stress from before dissolve into warm happiness.

“I’m okay. There’s no need to over-react about all of this.” She reasoned. Her feet crunched on loose twigs and leaves. She placed a probing hand between her legs to check if she was wearing a diaper. To her relief, it was just jeans.

“I’m going to walk along this path until I wake up. I’m not doing baby stuff anymore. I’m a grown woman with a bladder issue, not a baby. Its- It’s not even a bladder issue. I am starting to work on it. I can hold it. I don’t have that many accidents. I can hold it.” She said to herself. Hyper-focusing on it always made it worse. The familiar painful feeling in her pelvic floor muscles surfaced. She grimaced.

“I can hold it. I’m a big girl. I can hold it” She said, her voice wavering with uncertainty. Her pace slowed down, she placed two hands between her legs. It was getting too painful to walk. Her muscles sent urgent signals to her brain. Her bladder filled to max capacity in a split second. To send relief, she crossed her legs together.

“I can hold it. I can hold it. I can HOLD IT. I CAN HOLD ITTT. I CAN HOLLLDD ITTT!!!” She screamed but felt her muscles had already given out. She felt herself tear up like she normally did at this point. The defeat was overwhelming. Pee dribbled out unprotected into her pants.

“Nooo!!! I can HOLD ITTTT!!! EHHH!!! EHHHHH!!! AEHHAAHHHH!!” She wailed, hot tears spewed out of her. She tightened her legs as tight as she could. Sometimes that helped. It didn’t this time.

“AHEAH En nah… nahhh… stop… stop pee pee… stop… ah…ahe…ahehee…. Stop it aheheh… I can’ stop it. I don’t ever stop it Hehehe, I don’t stop it. I don’t stop going pee beee..” She said, her facial tensions melted. It felt good to stop caring. The warmth from her diaper crept into her brain. She felt giddy silliness take over her mind.

“Don’ shtop, Don’ um poddy.” She felt obliterated drunk. Her vision looked swirly. It splashed yellow. Warm splotches of yellow painted over the trees. It was a soft pastel background. It smelled soothing. Like poofy baby powder. Her whole body felt warm. Every muscle was too heavy to move. Not even her neck. All she could see was stare up at her childhood nursery mirror. She could do nothing to change her field of view.

“Dan-nan.” She babbled, her mother’s face suddenly came into view. She looked happily down at her. She had the ultimate motherly aroma. She smelled sweet and warm. Her smile was genuine and loving. Madison could only gurgle spit to say ‘hello.’

“Is my widdle baby ready for her dry diaper?” She said, her hands moved to the lower half of Madison’s body. She couldn’t respond. She just drooled while her lips wiggled meaninglessly.

“I just born.” She thought, not through words, but because she couldn’t remember another moment in her life.

Her existence drifted.

“MAADISOONNNN!!!” She heard her voice scream distantly in the back of her head. She tried to blink, but could only bring her eyelids down halfway. She pushed harder on a second try, slowly her eyelids came down. The world started going dark. She could see a soft light in the center of the darkness. It had a human-like shape. The light around her dimmed. It was Madison.

“Madison it’s me, you. Well, really you. The adult you.” Madison said.

“Come on, I can get you out of here” She said matter-of-factly, extending a hand. It didn’t sound like she anticipated the other option.

Maidson looked at the hand. Her vision was still a little blurry. Her brain still lagged. It didn’t matter being an adult. She wasn’t an adult. She was a baby, and that was fun. She felt warm. Her head was happy. Being an adult sucked.

“Mmm No. Me stay!” Madison said, stomping her foot on the ground. She wanted to prove it to herself. She crouched down and pushed. It was routine now. Her diaper warmed. She scrunched her face, focusing pressure onto her bowels. She felt her jelly-like sphincter open, then felt mess grind out of her. She pushed even after the initial wave, getting another 5% out.

“Ugh no, stop! What the fuck are you doing? You’re not a fucking baby. Knock yourself out of it!!!” Madison said, she walked up to her drooling counterpart and kicked her over.

“Ooof! HEY!” She screamed, tumbling to the ground. She saw red. She pushed herself up off the ground and ran over to her adult self.

“Madison, no! I’m-” She said, bracing herself. With a calculated punch, she punched her adult-self squarely in the chin. Her face knocked to the side, her lips fluttered from the force, spit launched out of her. The momentum toppled her over. She collapsed onto the ground.

“Ow FUCK, Madison s-stop! You-re hurting me!” She yelled, but her babyish-side didn’t let up. She beat the ever-living shit out of herself. Fists, open hands, nails digging in for deep scratches.

“Mad- S-... s..” She said, her eyes closed from successive blows.

“No it’s MY TURN!” She said in a childish accent. She stood up, turned her butt toward herself on the floor, then fell down. Her diapered butt smashed into her face. She gyrated her hips to rub in the smelly padding. Her adult self’s head moved lifelessly side to side.

Madison started to giggle. Her childish emotions bursted even hotter. They felt released. Liquid spewed out of her front and back. Her diaper leaked. She started forgetting what it was like to be anyway else. Her soul slotted into her babyish existence. Everything felt funny. She didn’t hold back from a burst of giggles. Eyes drooping as she made inhaling donkey-like noises. The gyrating became more uniform. Instead of side to side she rubbed back and forth.

She was rewarded with irresponsible dirty pleasure. Her mind focused entirely on it. The stronger she rubbed, the more her world melted back to the nursery. She felt the soft carpet rubbing back forth on her kneecaps. She slammed her pelvic into her adult face even harder.

“Hungg Hhhhungggg” It was air moving aimlessly out of her lungs. The pleasure was moments away from its maximum. The shear power melted the walls down. It was dark.

Madison’s soaked hands pushed through the cramps. The darkness was cut by a faint blue light. It was the light off her phone. Madison wasn’t dreaming anymore; she was in her bed.

“Hungg…. GUNNNNN!!” She screamed, her brain still felt the same. Mentally she wasn’t born. It allowed complete un-restricted euphoria to burst out of her.

Madison climaxed in life.

“AHH!!!” She screamed, bucking back into her bed. She saw the universe spin around. The big bang. She couldn’t make sense of it. Her brain was undeveloped mush. It was the greatest sexual pleasure she would ever experience.

She drifted like a life raft in the ocean. She panted deep breaths. Her chest inflating and deflating into the next cycle. All involuntary. She skidded along the baby high.

“... … uh…” Were the first thoughts that could squeak out of her. She started feeling cold and wet. The sensation came from all over her body, but mostly her crotch. It brought her back like a cold knife.

“Wait did I..?” She said, sitting up suddenly. She knew before even flinging off the blankets. She didn’t need to turn on the lights. Her bed was absolutely soaked.

This wasn’t mild, it was a major accident. The pee pool extended to the edges. She pressed her hand onto another side of the bed. Pee squished out of the saturated mattress. It felt colder and wetter than the one she was on. She must have been rolling around in it all night.

“I.. peed the bed….” She thought. That wouldn’t have been a crazy thought to her moments ago. In fact, that registered as normal at first. She wished it could have lasted longer. But then reality slapped her in the face. She didn’t hold back the tears.

“I just fucking wet my bed so bad…. And I just came to…” She whispered, unable to finish the sentence.

She curled her legs into her arms and cried.

Chapter 5: Use

Madison slid the box cutter open. It clicked into place with an inch of blade. She looked down at the metal. Sunlight glinted off the blade’s edge. She twisted it around to make it shimmer.

Her mind was silent.

A memory quietly resurfaced. She saw herself standing outside the family bathroom. She recalled the severe pain in her bladder. Then the sensation of pee spilling helplessly in between her crossed legs. Her muscles couldn’t hold back anymore. Her legs stood still like tree trunks. She released helplessly just as the family walked out.

“I’m sorry, Ms! We should have been faster!!” The mother’s words didn’t stop Madison’s embarrassed tears.

“I only needed a l-little more time and I-I would have made it.” Madison said shaky to the mother.She had to defend herself in that situation. It only made it look worse. The two walked past her.

“Why isn’t she potty trained yet, Mommy?”

“Shh- do not judge her! Some people have trouble making it even as adults.” She heard the mother say back.

Madison blinked back to her apartment. Her regained focus was accompanied by a subtle pain in her bladder. Thinking about accidents forced her to survey the current state of her bladder. She shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t painful, but she was close. She had peed in the toilet thirty minutes ago. The new solution stared her in the face.

“Fine.” She said, then plunged the blade into the tape. She ran it the full length of the box, then cut the sides.

“But this doesn’t mean I need diapers.” She thought as she opened the box. Inside were four packs of diapers. Each held ten individual disposables. Two of the packs were plain white Northshore Megamaxs. Madison had reasoned these would help with her night time accidents, and when she was around the house. The third pack was a little thinner and light pink. Still absorbent, but easier to conceal than the thick Megamaxs. She got those for everyday errands out of the apartment.

Madison pulled the last pack out of the box. She looked at the neatly folded diapers pressed together. They were white, with cartoon prints of animals all over the padding. One depicted a monkey swinging on a vine, while another was a happy-go-lucky looking giraffe. Every animal had a diaper on.

“Why did I get these ones, again? They’re so… childish.” She questioned, spinning the pack to see the information. They held even more than the Megamaxs. “Oh yeah” she recalled, “And they were 20% off if I included it in this order.”

*Buzz Buzz*

*Buzz Buzz*

Madison felt her phone vibrate in her jean shorts back pocket. She grabbed it and looked at the screen. She didn’t recognize the number, but it had her state’s area code, and the caller ID said it was her town. She swallowed her anxiety then swiped to answer the call.

“Hello?” She said cautiously.

“Madison?” Dr Elon said on the other end.

“Oh! Hello, Dr. Elon. Sorry I didn’t realize it was you, I thought I had your office’s number saved in my phone already.” Madison said.

“No worries at all, I’m calling from my cell phone. I wanted to deliver the good news, I just got your test results back. Do you have some time to discuss them?” Dr Elon said, she seemed chipper in her tone. It made Madison feel optimistic.

“Maybe she knows what’s wrong. I won’t need these.” She thought. A glimmer of hope flashed.

“Yes I’m free right now! What did you find?” Madison said, she subconsciously leaned on the edge of her couch.

“Well first I wanted to ask how you’ve been doing since we last met. Have you noticed any differences since taking my advice?” Dr Elon asked.

“Um…” Madison said, she looked at the pack of diapers in front of her. She felt her cheeks flush red with embarrassment at the idea of admitting she’d only gotten worse. So worse she bought packs of diapers to put a bandage on the problem. Her mind flashed hazy dream memories of Dr Elon taping her into a diaper on a changing table. She shook those thoughts.

“Fine, um, yeah I’ve been doing fine.” Madison said, pausing for a moment. She didn’t want to lie, but she couldn’t muster the truth either. The silence on the line killed her. In a knee-jerk decision she filled the silence with “Um, actually I’ve been doing better.” Madison said, she winced then mouthed ‘Fuck.’

“You have!?” Dr Elon said ecstatically. Madison couldn’t go back now. She rode the lie.

“Yes I, well I followed your advice and it turns out it really was just a phase.” Madison said, deeply regretting this conversation.

“That’s really great to hear, Madison, because it would have been a different conversation if you hadn’t said that.” Dr Elon said. Madison cocked her head in confusion.

“Yeah?” She asked. The onset was immediate. Madison felt urine barrel down heavy onto her pelvic floor muscles. She moved instinctively. It was mere seconds now until she would start dribbling. She didn’t have time to think about a decision. She just reacted. She muted herself, put her phone on speaker, then dropped it on the coffee table. Her nail dug into the plastic holding the pack together and tore it open.

“Yes, so I looked at your test results, and it looks like my initial diagnosis was correct. Your blood test came back negative for any bacterial infections.” Dr Elon said. Madison was paying attention, but she frantically fumbled with her button in one hand, and pulled out a diaper with the other. She could feel the first dribble squeak out into her underwear. She worked even faster. Cutting a corner, she only pulled her jeans down halfway.

“We also couldn’t find any common illnesses that might have contributed. That strongly suggests to me your problem was either stress and/or anxiety induced.” Dr Elon said, Madison unfolded the diaper. The sweet smell of fresh diapers wafted into her nose. She didn’t have time to respond to Dr Elon. She had quickly reached her physical limit, and was already spilling onto the couch. Frantically, Madison pulled the back of the diaper through her legs. She grabbed the front and back, then hoisted the thick padding deep into her groin.

She sighed, letting herself relax into the open diaper. It wasn’t an accident anymore. It was just going in her diaper. She stopped resisting and let the flow release freely. The warm pee soaked into the padding.

“Phew…” She said, letting her stressed shoulders and neck relax.

“...Are you still there?” Dr Elon said, Madison woke up from her peeing stupor. She pressed the unmute button.

“Um! Sorry, yes. I uh, just got an email I had to read. I heard you.” Madison said.

“Oh no problem. Well frankly, Madison I don’t need to take up much more of your time. I know you’re busy. Your test results clear you of any reason to come back in, and you’re saying that you haven’t experienced any more accidents. Has it been a streak longer than two weeks?” Dr Elon asked. Madison could feel her face burning red. It matched the hot pee soaking into her diaper.

“Mhm.” Madison said with pursed lips and a regretful look. Defeated, she let her body slouch into the couch. How could she tell the truth now that she was wrapped in this web of lies? She felt dejected. Lashing out in frustration, she pushed the pee out harder.

Dr Elon paused for a moment, seeming to mirror Madison’s conversation pattern.

“Again I don’t see a need to set up another appointment at this time. It sounds like you’ve got a handle on the situation.” Dr Elon said, Madison could feel the flow was finally starting to slow. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Madison. I wish you well!” Dr Elon finished.

“You too, thank you Dr. Elon.” Madison said, accepting her fate. She looked down at her used diaper. Part of her wanted to pull it off and throw it across the room. A larger part felt that’d be a waste. These were expensive. Instead, she begrudgingly grabbed the tapes on each side. She opened them, then stuck each into place. Her diaper laced perfectly around her waist.

“Bye-Bye now.” Dr Elon said. The phone call ended.

Madison slouched further. She shifted to her back, staring up at the ceiling. Her mind was in her diaper. The feeling of damp bulky padding between her legs felt foreign. She squeezed them together, it felt warm and wet. Her fresh accident wafted into her nose. She looked down at the diaper.

A diapered, happy-looking Giraffe gazed back.

Madison’s head fell back. She felt a depressive blanket smother her emotions. It barely took 10 minutes from the time she grabbed the package outside, to sitting in a wet diaper. She curled up and turned to the side.

She closed her eyes. Everything felt too heavy. She was trying to break the habit, but it always helped.

She stuck a thumb inside her mouth.

***

“Did you check your eggs today?” The cashier asked Madison cheerfully. She hadn’t, but responded with:

“Yes I did, thank you.” The cashier nodded, scanned it, then moved on to the next item on the fully converybelt. Madison crossed her legs to help relieve the growing pain inside her bladder. She noticed the feeling mere minutes before pulling into the checkout line. It didn’t feel urgent at first, but the pee inside her rapidly begged to be released.

“Come on lady, you don’t have the vegetable codes memorized?” She thought, watching as she inspected each one to find the number. Madison shifted her weight side to side. It was getting toward the end of her potty dance. She knew her body was getting close to an accident. Instinctively, her eyes started darting around for the bathroom.

“Where is it?!” She thought, looking for signs on the wall. The scene felt vaguely familiar, to the point of genuine dejavu. She couldn’t immediately find them. Her anxiety spiked, it normally did when she was a minute away from peeing herself with no bathroom in sight.

“Wait.” Madison thought, sensing the soft bulk between her legs. “I have a diaper on.” She thought. For the first time in a long time, she felt her accident fears relax. It was going to be okay. Even if she didn’t make it, that’s what the diaper was for.

“Are these on the vine tomatoes?” The lady asked, she held up the plastic bag of tomatoes.

“Yes, they are.” Madison said back. She looked at the converybelt, her groceries were almost scanned, but there were still a couple of minutes to go before she was free to find the bathroom.

“I can just…” She thought, feeling her body already open up to the idea, “... go a little bit.” Her bladder muscles relaxed gently. Just enough for a gentle stream of pee to start saturating into her diaper. The sensation was still foreign to Madison. Her crotch bloomed with wet warmth. It made her skin flush red. Using her diaper at home was one thing, but she’d never done it on purpose in public before. She clenched to stop the flow after a couple of seconds. She felt the pee pool saturate into the padding.

“Your total today will be $116” The cashier said. Madison had to blink back into reality.

“Hm? Oh yes of course.” Madison said, she slipped her card into the machine. Her bladder muscles ached, pee sat right at the doorstep.

“Hehe.” The cashier giggled subtly. Madison looked up from the machine and shot a furrowed brow. At the same time, the pain in her bladder spiked to unbearable levels.

“Whatever, I’m already wet.” She thought, letting her muscles relax again. This time completely unrestricted. She began dumping an entire bladder’s worth of pee into her damp diaper.

“Oh nothing, my little cousin made the same face whenever he peed himself.” She said jokingly. Madison flashed a meek smile back, as she felt her diaper grow warmer.

“Oh, haha, my bad then. I certainly wasn’t doing that!” Madison said back, dying on the inside.

“I hope not! Haha.” The cashier said, pulling the receipt out of the printer. She handed it to Madison. “Have a wonderful day!”

“You too!” She said back, the moment her face was out of the cashier’s sight she grimaced in embarrassment. “Can you at least try to not make it obvious when you pee yourself??” She thought, berating herself. It reminded her to look up for the bathroom signs. The flow in her bladder was already starting to dissipate. She shrugged. “Whatever, it’s not worth it. I’ll make it next time.” She thought, walking now with a slight waddle. The warm wet padding rubbed against her thighs as the diaper swayed side to side.

“Ms! You’re leaking!” She heard the cashier yell out. Madison’s greatest fears clenched her chest. She gasped, stopping immediately in her tracks. Her hands worked on instinct. One lifted up her shirt, the other dug in between her legs to feel for leaks.

She didn’t feel or see any signs her diaper was overflowing.

The cashier came to Madison’s side. She looked puzzled down at Madison’s waist. With her shirt pulled up, nothing covered the hem of her diaper that rode up past her pants.

“Um… No not that.” The cashier said, pointing instead at the ground. Yellow yolk dripped out of a bag and onto the floor.

“I-uh-um-uhh-” Madison stammered, her fight of flight kicked in. She turned away from the bewildered cashier and started booking it out of the grocery store. Tears started dripping out of her by the time she got to the exit. Similar to the final dribbles into her diaper.

“Clean up at cash register 7” Spoke over the speakers.

***

“No!! I think it’s the best idea ever that we’re going while you’re single!” Sophia exclaimed, her tone dropped to light-hearted seriousness. With her free hand, she playfully punched Madion’s shoulder. She wasn’t expecting the hit, she had to steady herself on the barstool.

“Oof! Hahah I aaalmost lost it there!” Madison giggled, the barstool feet flattened back to normal. She grabbed the seat and scooted it forward by pushing her hips forward. Her groin squished into the wet diaper underneath her skirt. “You know what! If I got Tinder, I could just take my pick.” Madison said, raising an excellent point.

“It’s LA.” Sophia said loud enough to be heard over the music. She took a sip of her Long Island Ice Tea. “This is going to be the best road trip of all time, you know that right?” She said, when her lips left the glass.

“Heheh, hey it was originally your idea. Back when I still worked there. I’m sorry we didn’t get to do it last year because of the pandemic. But now I am so ready for it. These next four months of waiting are gonna be TORTURE.” Madison said back, she could feel the two margaritas from before really hit. Her face was warm, all the lights blinking in time looked so pretty. She found it effortless to lift her drink, then let the cool tang of lime and salt slip down her tongue.

“Okay, okay, that reminds me, can I tell you that story about Lilly?” Sophia said suddenly. A trigger fired in Madison’s mind.

“How long is this story going to take?” Madison thought frantically, she would have to wait for her to be finished. Would she be able to hold it for that long? She glanced over at the bathroom doors across the room. “I could tell her to wait.” She considered, her mind’s eye felt the damp padding between her legs.

“I’ll just use my diaper this time. It feels like I already went anyways.” She thought, her face lit up. It felt good to continue a conversation instead of interrupting to use a bathroom for once. She smiled then nodded at Sophia for her to continue. At the same time, Madison subconsciously spread her legs. She peed forcefully and freely into her diaper. She felt it absorb then soak into growing regions of the diaper.

“Okay, so, you’ll never believe it. She walks in and…blah blah blah” Sophia went on with her story. Madison was half paying attention, half enjoying the feeling of wet warmth growing between her legs.

The drinks didn’t stop for the two. What did stop was Madison’s attention to her diaper. She gushed and dribbled with nearly every sip. Her diaper grew mushy, expanding through the night, until it slightly peaked out of her skirt. She didn’t care or notice.

“Is that a diaper?” Sophia thought, catching a flash of diaper as Madison got out of her seat to walk out. “I didn’t know she actually had a problem? I thought that accident was a one time thing. Huh.” She thought. Sophia scribbled a signature on the receipt. “Maybe that’s why she never needed to use the bathroom tonight.” She thought. She smirked, realizing that was exactly the case.

***

“Mmmm” Madison groaned softly. Sunlight pierced through her eyelids. The birds outside chirped happily to the new morning. Madison turned her head to catch what the time was. With one blurry eye she read 10:17.

“Hrmrmmm.” She mumbled, reaching out toward the nightstand. Her fingers flopped around until they felt a phone. Madison grabbed it, simultaneously pulling herself to sit up against her headrest. Her legs slide up then flopped into a ‘dead frog’ position.

“How wet am I?” Madison thought a split second before she let go into her diaper. She automatically released before checking the state. She grabbed a handful of mushy diaper. The diaper was certainly wet and nearing capacity. “Not that bad actually.” She thought, before flicking her phone open. She stopped paying attention to the flow the moment her eyes saw the facebook feed.

“Oh.” Was all she thought, when her thighs felt liquid pooling underneath. Madison wasn’t phased. She grabbed the blanket and peeled it off just enough to see her leaky full diaper underneath. It didn’t matter. The plastic sheet would certainly protect this minor accident. The sheets were already heavily stained anyways.

“Making my bed smell more like pee pee.” Madison thought, she stopped herself, “Like pee. I don’t have to sound like I’m 3 about it.” She reiterated, then looked back down at her phone.

May 6th

“Shit, the road trip is in a month.” She thought, the puddle of pee sent a chilling reminder. “I thought this was going to end by then.” She thought, shifting around in the wet swampy mess.

“I need to finally stop this. I can’t wear diapers around Sophia all trip long. She’ll find out.” She said it was a painful truth, but she oddly felt optimistic about it. This time, a fire ignited in her. “If I start weaning myself off of them now, I should be fine by then.” She reasoned, that plan was enough at the moment. She didn’t need to refine it any further. It was her continence. She would get this figured out.

***

The right tape ripped away from the diaper. Without the support of one side, the diaper slid down Madison’s leg. Dense mushy diaper plopped onto the ground. The inside was a pale yellow. Madison stepped out of the diaper, then plopped her butt onto the toilet seat. She got goosebumps from the cold feeling.

“Ahhh…” She exhaled, feeling the heavy weight in her bladder drip away into the water below. The stream trickled for three seconds, then completely dissipated. “I made it!” Madison thought, feeling genuine pride bubble up. She didn’t suppress the smile that grew too. “See, I can still make it to the toilet whenever I want to.” She thought.

Madison looked at old used diapers sitting on the ground. They were her nighttime diapers. She’d slipped into the bad habit of leaving them on the floor instead of walking them to a trash can. They had been sitting there for days. Just like the ones on her living room floor, kitchen, bedroom…

“When was the last time I used the toilet?” She thought, her mind chased. First it offered the time she peed just a moment ago. That didn’t count. She recalled going before bed, but she couldn’t remember what day. Most of the time she just changed into her night time diaper then went straight to bed. Sometimes if she wasn’t that wet she’d even stay in the same diaper. It had to be within the last week she reasoned. She could remember bits of other times, but the memory felt fabricated.

“Well I’ll try harder today.” She thought, feeling a little better. She walked across the floor to the bathroom closet. That’s normally where she kept a stash of diapers. When she opened the door, she was shocked to find only three left in a pack.

“Shit, do I need to up the amount I get each week?” She thought, part of her brain felt nervous. She knew she’d burn through a lot of them this past weekend. “Am I…” She stopped herself from finishing that thought. She grabbed a diaper from the pack.

“I’ll try harder today.” She reiterated.

***

“Ouch, that’s hot!” Madison thought from the sharp heat of the bowl. She placed the Mac & Cheese down onto the kitchen table. She had on a red sweater, her hair in a ponytail, and a droopy diaper. She sat down onto the wooden chair.

“Ooo..” She moaned, her eyes widened. The unexpected rush was sudden and intense. Her eyes melted into a dreamy haze. The feeling of her soggy diaper had pressed into the exact right spot. Madison bit her lower lip. She looked down at herself. The diaper bulged between her legs. It had splotchy yellow stains. Her willpower was no match for the creeping temptation.

Madison pressed her hips into the chair.

“Mmmm…” She involuntarily moaned again. She’d never felt friction like this before. It reminded her of doing this in a pad, but even better. The warm mushy padding was a perfect surface. Slowly, she started to rhythmically gyrate her hips back and forth. Rubbing herself up and down along the diaper.

“Awhh, fuck, am I really doing this? Am I about to masturbate in my wet diaper?” She wasn’t stopping. That thought changed something. Usual horny thoughts of men filling her dissipated. New electric ones took place. They were fresh, new, and exciting.

“I have accidents” She said, her body rewarded the insecure dirty thoughts with severe pleasure. Her fingertips started feeling numb. It was so embarrassing, yet so hot at the same time. That dropped some mental barriers holding back even deeper rooted thoughts. She let them freewheel to the surface.

“I had an accident in front of that Mommyy… I should have worn my diaper. Mmmm FUCK!” She exclaimed, she knew these thoughts were dangerous and wrong. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t what she wanted to be. Who thought like this?

She had held them back ever since she woke up from the dream. She could only stave them off for so long. Her willpower melted into greedy desire. She looked at the bowl of Mac & Cheese in front of her.

“I should eat it like a stupid baby.” She thought, imagining herself taking a big hand full and shoving it in her face. Rubbing away as Mac & Cheese caked her face and ruined her shirt. That sent her into overdrive. Eye rolling pleasure started sparking. Her hand lifted, but didn’t plunge into the bowl. Instead, her thumb planted into her mouth.

“Mmm! Mmm!” She squeaked, feeling the edge. She pressed as hard as she could. Her hips ached from fatigue. She didn’t stop, instead pushed through it. Her mind flooded with diaper fantasy. Real and imaginary. Peeing herself on the kindergarten floor. Wetting herself on purpose in the bar.

Pissing herself in front of her boss.

“Guahh!!” She exclaimed, feeling herself achieve the sweetest release in years. She came hard into her diaper. Pee squirted involuntarily into her diaper. It turned into a hot flood. Her body slumped in the chair as she drifted in ecstasy.

Madison floated in pleasure. She trembled from the shockwaves. Her existence swam in her mushy diaper. It all happened so fast. How could she have lost control like that? The reality of what she just did started to settle. The vacuum of emotion started to fill with regret. Regret deepend into remorse. Remorse amplified into depression.

“-II shouldn’t have thought of that…” She said, pushing the sad thoughts down. She tried shoving those ideas back into a mental closet. “I’m not into diapers.” She said, steadying herself, she picked up the fork next to her Mac & Cheese. “I dont… want to be that. I’m not that. I’m not… into diapers.” She thought, trying to ease herself. She forced her mind to go blank.

“It’s fine… I won’t think like that anymore.” She said, trying to convince herself. She had made a lot of broken promises to herself recently.

This one felt hollow.

“I won't!” She said, focusing solely on eating her lunch.

***

Madison didn’t break eye contact with the TV. Her hand drifted to the end table next to her couch. She grabbed her glass.

“Empty!?” Madison thought, swiveling her head to confirm the sad truth. “More.” She thought, leaning to grab the bottle of Pinot Noir. Her diaper squelched from the movement. She poured what was left. It amounted to roughly one glass of wine. She brought it to her lips instantly.

When she brought it down, her other hand felt around for the vape. She found it after a couple attempts. Inside the cartridge was THC. She brought that medicine to her lips and drew in a deep drag. She blew out her inhibitions.

She shifted subconsciously. The movement forced dribbles of pee into her diaper. Madison noticed.

“How wet is this thing?” She thought, grabbing another handful of mushy diaper. “Wet. Wet wet wet. That’s all I ever am now. Wet. All the time. I don’t even remember going in this once.” She thought, “Must’ve been the whole bottle of wine I pissed into this thing.” She finished. Madison focused on the feeling inside her bladder. It was confusing down there now. It used to be clear cut. Like any adult, she used to understand how much was in her bladder. She knew when it was reaching a limit, and when she needed to get up and walk to the bathroom.

That wasn’t the case anymore. Her bladder was always vaguely full or empty. It was hard to tell the difference. It would all take care of itself anyways. This time though, she could tell there was something in there. If she wanted she could get up and use the bathroom. She didn’t have to pee herself.

“Pfff fuck that. Who cares?” She thought, instantly letting go. Like clockwork, her bladder released two shots worth of pee into her diaper. It pooled in the soaked padding, before slowly absorbing into deep crevasses. “I’m going to piss myself anyways” She reasoned. Her sober self didn’t believe that. She was supposed to be weaning herself off, not leaning into it. That resistance was smothered by a sudden urge. Her eyes darted to the hallway. She wanted it.

She pushed herself up off the couch. Her diaper sagged, this one felt heavy. She needed to change or she’d leak soon. It was perfect for what she was about to do. Madison walked past the bathroom door. Zero part of her brain thought of using it. Instead she subconsciously leaked a weak stream.

She stumbled into her room. It was already plugged in. The plastic sheet crinkled as she flopped onto the bed. She grabbed the wand, then clicked it on. The bulb vibrated. She pressed it up against the soggy padding.

“Uhhh fuck yes…” She thought. The chemicals in her bloodstream struck like lightning. She didn’t hold back from the thoughts. In fact, she fed into it. She welcomed them.

“I… can’t stop…. peeing…….. my diapers” She thought, losing herself into a marathon session.

Time melted into eternity.

***

“Phew, pull it together here, Madison.” She thought, leaning up against a wall for support. The light coming in through the windows hurt. The dull pain in her skull flared. She tried smacking her chapped lips to relieve the cotton mouth.

Today was the day. Sophia had just pulled into the driveway. Madison tried rolling through the essentials one last time.

“I have my…. Toothbrush….. Um…….” She tried to keep going, but the pain made it hard. “.... Diapers? No. I’m not bringing diapers… I haven’t drank anything for three days.” She reasoned, it was the only way she could think of naturally stopping her accidents. If there wasn’t anything going in, then nothing would come out.

“Uhh… I have my purse. If I forget anything, I’ll just buy it.” She thought, loud bangs boomed from the door. Madison winced from the pounding that started in her head.

“IT'S TIME!!” Sophia yelled, suddenly bursting through the door. It was show time. Madison felt a burst of energy. She forced a smile.

“Yes it isss!!!” Madison said back cheerfully. The suitcase handle extended. She rolled it across the floor.

“We’re right on schedule, so no rush! Are you even ready for LAS VEGAS!?!? I have three different tops packed just for tonight. I have another five for when we get to LA. I took a look at the traffic….” Sophia kept going on, picking up Madison’s second bag to help.

It was hard to pay attention. The only thing Madison could focus on was walking. She took one last look at her apartment before they closed the door. It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t have changed anything in that state anyways.

“Are you good?” Sophia said, Madison only then realized there’d been silence for thirty seconds. She didn’t want Sophia to know.

“Yeah, yeah I’m totally fine.” Madison said, closing the door behind her. She shifted in the seat to get comfortable. It surprised her how much of the seat she felt with her butt. She was used to puffy padding.

Old feelings resurfaced. Madison felt nervous. Was this really the best idea? She hadn’t worn underwear in four months. She pressed her legs together. Her panties already felt a little wet. Her attention was only gone for a few seconds. Her seatbelt clicked into place.

“Are you sure? You’re not talking much. You’ve only said a couple of words to me in the past fifteen minutes.” Sophia said. Had it really been that long? The car was already moving. Madison didn’t even remember putting the bags into the back. Her vision was getting blurry around the edges. She tried thinking of something important to say back. Something that would prove she wasn’t dying.

“Beautiful day outside, huh?” Madison said, looking at her friend with a forced jolly smile. Sophia looked worried..

“What are you talking about? I just asked you why your lips are so chapped. I thought you were going to wear a new lipstick everyday?” Sophia said, troubled. Madison’s eyes looked dull, the skin underneath was flaking. It didn’t matter, the sensation of a full bladder struck without warning.

“Oh my god I forgot to use the bathroom before leaving.” Madison thought frantically, her bladder cramped in intense pain. The muscles responsible for holding back felt very weak. Like they were trying to lift a 50 lb dumbbell after 10 sets.

“Madison.” Sophia said, trying to shake her friend. She barely registered it. She motionlessly moved with the force.

“Wait, why am I worrying?” She thought, her body relaxed. Ideas were getting swimmy.

“It’s okay, Sophia…” She said, waving it off, “My diaper will take care of it…” She said, letting go. Her bladder released unprotected into her pants.  A dark wet stain grew in between her legs, then started pooling into the seat. It felt routine.

“Madison! MADISON! You’re pissing yourself!!!” Sophia yelled. Madison didn’t say anything. The light of the world was going dark.

“No… no I wear diapers now…. it’s okay…..” She said, trying to quell her friend’s nerves.

“You’re not wearing a diaper. Madison. MADISON! Mad- Alright. I’m taking you to her. She told me if you got worse then I should bring you home.” Sophia said, the moment of the car swung around. Madison didn’t respond. Her eyelids closed.

“Wet…” Was the last thing she thought before passing out.

Chapter 6: Home

“Mmm…” Madison murmured in discomfort, she felt disoriented. She shifted uncomfortably in the bed. It was hard to put in the effort to open her eyes. They felt heavy, nearly glued shut. Her thoughts felt like they were moving through sand. Instead of looking, she let her skin take stock. The sheets felt different than the ones back home. They were silkier, and smelled clean. The mattress didn’t feel right either. It was firm and smaller than usual. It felt familiar.

“I’m not in my house.” She suddenly realized, her fight or flight kicked in. The surge of adrenaline forced her eyes open. In shock, she sat up in bed.

“What the..?” She wondered, looking around. She wasn’t in her house, she was back in her old room. Not the one she left for college, but rather, the design she had back in elementary school. Jonas Brothers and One Direction posters plastered the wall. Alongside pictures of band class and friends. She hadn’t seen them in ages. She saw herself holding up an old saxophone like a tuscan raider. Her friends huddled around making goofy faces into the camera.

Her blankets were bright pink. It matched the walls. She remembered getting rid of them shortly before high-school. An old doll house, the one she used to play with religiously as a kid, sat neatly up against the wall.

“I’m dry?” She wondered, her hand had subconsciously pressed into her crotch. She usually felt the mush of a wet diaper. The surprise of being dry caught her off guard. She kicked the blankets off. She had on a light blue tank top and a diaper.

“Oh, I’m dreaming.” She thought. “This diaper, all the baby stuff. Hm, five dreams this week, that’s gotta be a new record.” Madison swung her legs out of the bed. She let her weight fall to the ground. She didn’t feel like putting in the full effort of walking, it was easy to crawl while dreaming. Madison had come to find that little dreaming was better if she didn’t fight it. She made it to the dollhouse.

The white paint was showing signs of chipping. Still, it swung open easily. Madison felt delighted at the sight of her old dolls. They instantly reminded her of the whimsical times she spent playing with them carefree. She grabbed them, easily slipping into an old habit of making them play house.

“Daddy! I am home!” She said, animating the figure as if it were coming through the front door.

“You make sure to hang up your backpack, Maddy!” She said in a low tone in an attempt to imitate her step-father. She hopped herself through the first floor, then up the stairs into the kitchen.

Madison felt a mild discomfort alert inside her bladder. Her legs worked automatically. She lifted her diapered butt slightly into the air. Her body released, sending a warm trickle into her diaper. The warm morning pee streamed heavy. Madison barely registered it happening in the first place. The dolls grabbed her full attention before she even finished.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

“What?!” Madison thought, dropping the dolls.The stream didn’t stop. She spun her head around toward the door. The knocking sound was incredibly vivid.

This wasn’t a dream, it was real life.

The door handle jostled, then spun open. It all happened so fast, there was no way to cover anything up. Melinda, her mother, appeared in the doorway. She was taken aback by the sight of her daughter, huddled over a doll house, wearing only a tank top and a used diaper. She collected herself.

“I see you’ve made yourself right at home.” Melinda said, Madison’s face was growing increasingly red by the second.

“I-” She stammered, her mother pointed at the diaper.

“Are you wet?” She asked, Madison didn’t answer. She let her body slump criss-cross down onto the floor.

“Yes, but that’s only because I thought I was dreaming.” She said, it sounded like a good defense in her head.

“You know the bathroom is right here?” She said, moving out of the doorway. She pointed at the door directly across the hall. Madison could see the outline of the toilet in the dark. She didn’t say anything. Melinda leaned up against the doorway and folded her arms.

“What’s going on?” She asked pointedly, quickly continuing, “Sophia shows up, you’re unresponsive. The doctors said you were dehydrated. You went through two diapers while you were asleep. What is happening to you? What are you doing back in diapers? You’re way too old for this. Is this a medical thing? Did you catch an infection?” Melinda said.

“No, Mom, it's not anything medical. I saw a specialist and she said it wasn’t that. And I’m not ‘back’ in diapers. I’m…” She said, taking pause. She didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Melinda flipped her hands up in uncertainty.

“Then what? What’s the problem here? Are you wearing them on purpose?” She asked.

“NO! Come on Mom, I’m not a baby. I’m not wearing them because I want to.” Madison said. Melinda shook her head.

“I don’t understand.” She said, Madison sighed.

“It's… hard to explain. About a year ago I had an accident at work.” Madison started.

“You peed yourself at work!?! Melinda exclaimed.

“It wasn’t my fault! I was hit with all of these things at once and I didn’t make it. I had it in front of my boss. It was horrible. I started having more of them after that. They just happened. I had an accident in the gym, I peed myself in line at a food truck, this one time at an arcade. I tried going to the bathroom all the time but I think that only made it worse. I bought diapers to try and help, but they didn’t.” Madison said.

“Hm.” Her mother said she started scratching her chin. The silence was powerful. Madison shifted uncomfortably. The squelch of her cooling diaper made her feel like she belonged in this position.

“When did you change the room?” Madison asked to break the quiet.

“You don’t remember? I told you about it on the phone. If I recall correctly you were on your way to work.” Melinda said. Madison remembered it instantly.

“Oh yeah…” She said, “That was the day I had my first accident.” She said, grimmacing at how stupid she sounded right now. Nothing she said made her feel like an adult in this situation.

“You were different back then.” Melinda said.

“Thanks, Mom.” Madison said back offended.

“Don’t get mad at me. I’m not the one back in diapers.” She said matter-of-factly.

“I’m not back in diapers! I told you I only used this one because I thought I was dreaming!!” She said, throwing her hands up this time in frustration. Her mother shook her head.

“Be real with yourself, Madison. Where do you think I got that diaper?” She asked, Madison looked down. She knew exactly where the pack was in her house. Half open, right next to her bed. Reality started setting in.

“You were in my apartment!?” Madison said, the walls felt like they were starting to close in.

“Yes, unfortunately I was. Do you know how many used diapers I had to step over? You had to be nose blind to it. It smelled like a daycare in there. I didn’t know someone, let alone you, could even live like that.” Melinda said, her tone becoming increasingly harsh and critical. Madison acted on instinct.

“I-I I’m trying my best, Mom.” She said, her voice wavered. She fed into the pain, letting it overtake her. Her whimpering grew into quiet sobs. She craved her mother’s swift comforting response.

“Madison.” She said, walking out of the doorway to her daughters side. She knelt down beside her, placing her hand on Madison’s back. She slowly rubbed in a circle. Its what she did to calm her as a kid. “We’re going to fix this. It’s going to be okay. I’ve potty trained you before.” She joked at the end. Madison looked up irked.

“I don’t need to be potty trained again. I don’t need diapers.” She said, knowing fully well the barrage of truth her mother was about to throw.

“Honey, it’s time to stop kidding yourself.” She said, pausing until Madison looked her in the eyes. “You need diapers. The first step is to acknowledge it. I want to hear you say it.” She said genuinely. Madison looked at her in fear.

“Mom, I don’t-” She said, Melinda cut her off.

“Madison.” She said, pressing gently into the center of her daughter’s diaper. It felt warmer than before. “You need to say it.”

Madison looked down at her diaper. It was clearly wet. Her morning pee had produced bright yellow blotchy stains. She tried to remember the last time she woke up in dry panties. She looked back up at Melinda.

“I need diapers.” Madison said.

***

Madison fished around in the bag for the last doritos locos taco. Her fingers felt the paper at last. She hoisted it out, then unfolded it. Crumbs of cheese and lettuce fell onto her car’s floor. She took a large chomp out of her fourth taco.

“Why can’t I eat these every single day?” She thought, relishing in the salty deliciousness. She cleansed her pallet with a long slurp of Baja Blast. The food high necessitated the music getting turned up.

“Switchin’ the positions for you. Cookin’ in the kitchen and I’m in the bedroom. I’m in the Olympics the way I’m jumping through hoops…”

Madison bobbed her head up and down to the beat. She took another bite out of her dwindling taco. There wasn’t an onset. Madison didn’t even feel it slip out of her. She could only tell from the familiar feeling of sudden warmth.

“Uh!” She said, twisting her legs together. She clamped down as hard as she could. The feeling of heavy pain didn’t stop at her bladder. Her entire torso ached. Her muscles were weak compared to the weight inside her. She didn’t stop the flow completely. Micro-squirts still eked out. She tried flexing her thighs even tighter. She could feel the mush of wet diaper between them. It was way more than what she expected. She could only recall going right now.

“Come on HOLD IT!” She yelled at herself, “You’re almost home!!” She thought, trying to bargain with herself. She had less than a minute left on her ride. It was like holding up a 75 lb dumbbell. Her muscles started to falter. A good sized squirt rushed into her diaper. Madison barely stopped it from becoming a river.

She put the pedal to the floor. The car whipped around an intersection. Her house was at the very end of the road. Madison’s control was faltering. She could only stop it for a few seconds. A light trickle started growing inside her pants. Her muscles couldn’t stop it at this point. She could only restrict it from becoming a full stream.

“No, no, no!!” She yelled, as the car rolled into the driveway. The rate was growing. There was no time to waste, she threw the car in park, grabbed the bag of taco bell, then pushed the car door. She swung her legs out of the car, and stood up on the pavement.

“Nooo….” She groaned, looking down at her jean shorts. There was no stopping it anymore. She was full strength peeing herself. She could tell her bladder was nearing it’s end anyways. She huffed in frustration, deciding to stand there and let it finish. She let go of any resistance, instead pushing to get it over with. The pee took its time to soak into her already soggy padding.

The buckling of her pelvic muscles ignited a sharp pain. The tacos she had been munching on for the past 20 minutes were already through her body. Madison felt frustration make the decision for her.

“I already wet my diaper.” She reasoned. Her brain knew it was wrong, but a larger part of her didn’t care. She knew messing herself for convenience was bound to happen at some point. She could change when she got in. Her knees bent. Her bowels started pushing it through. The mess reached the very edge. It receded on potty training instinct. Madison’s face strained. She channeled her anger into it. Her body opened. Poop pushed out. Slowly at first, then suddenly all at once.

“Nuhh” She muttered, feeling the taco bell move out and into her diaper. She pushed her butt out further on instinct. The hot smelly mush pressed into the back of her. She pushed again to get the second round out. It popped out with a fart. The back of her diaper expanded. The stench wafted into her nose.

“Ugh, eww.” She thought, feeling shameful. “I could have made it..” Her messy diaper felt gross. She could smell herself. It was a constant reminder of what she’d just done. She blocked those feelings out. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” She reasoned to herself.

Each step she could feel the mess sway inside her. The leak guards were doing everything they could to keep it inside. They felt wet. As she walked up to the front door, she caught a quick glance between her legs. Faint crescent stains aligned beneath the edges of her diaper.

“I’m leaking, I smell like shit. I need to get to my room as fast as possible. I can hide this one in the closet.” She thought. Her mother had been taking stock of how many diapers were in her diaper pail. A wet and messy one would certainly set her off.

She carefully opened the door. In front of Madison was the stairway to the second floor. On the left and right were open doorways into other rooms. One of them was the living room. Madison froze in fear at the sight of her mother’s head turning around from the couch.

“Finally! You didn’t eat it all on the way here did you?” Melinda said, getting up from her seat instantly. Madison had no time to think about it. Her mother was already waking up to her. She moved on instinct, dropping the bag on the floor. She started walking toward the stairs.

“Madison!” Melinda said, she had made it to the bag way faster than anticipated. Madison had only just started going up the stairs. She stopped. “Turn around.” Her mother said. She did so. Her mother started sniffing the air.

“What’s that smell?” She said, realizing in real time where it was coming from. She rubbed her nose in disgust. “Madison, is there something you want to tell me?” She said seriously.

“...” Madison didn’t know what to say. She looked bug eyed at her mother. “No.” She lied, spinning around to continue up the steps.

“Did you poop yourself!!? Do not lie to me, young lady!” She said, following her up the stairs. “I can smell it! Oh my god, Madison. Are you serious!? Did you seriously poop your diaper!?” She yelled out. Madison felt unrestricted fury engulf her thoughts. She was an adult. She didn’t need to listen to her mother.

“It-It doesn’t MATTER!” She yelled out, purposefully stomping her feet onto the steps.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter!? Madison you’re pooping yourself now. Do you realize how crazy that is?? Jesus Christ you’re going backwards!” She yelled out, still a couple of steps behind her.

“Noo I’m not!!” She whined, getting to the top step. She slammed her foot down hard. “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” She screamed this time, then gritted her teeth. In protest, she pushed down hard onto her pelvis. Another wave of mush plopped out of her. A groaning fart escaped. Her bladder dumped processed Baja Blast into her saturated padding. The diaper couldn’t hold another accident like that. The pee split out over the guards, and into her jeans. The crescent stains darkened and started to streak.

“MADISON STOP THIS!” Her mother yelled back, she was right behind her. She grabbed Madison’s arm into a death grip.

“Let me go!!” Madison screamed, yanking at her mother. She couldn’t get out of it.

“This is ridiculous!! You are a grown woman and you just completely messed yourself?? Do you think this is what adults do?? Are you turning into a baby again??” Melinda yelled, her words cut Madison deep. She tried yanking her arm free. The momentum of getting yanked back toppled her balance. Madison fell butt first onto the floor.

Her diaper was over maximum capacity. The crash squeezed out an overload of pee and mess into her jean shorts. The crotch of her shorts drenched in pee, then leaked a puddle onto the floor. Her mess did exactly the same. It went up the hem, and out the sides.

“*Sniffle* *Sniffle*” Madison didn’t stop herself. She pushed the tears out. If her mother thought she was a baby, then that’s exactly how she was going to act. She balled her fists and started slamming them on the ground. Her feet kicked up and down on the hardwood floor. Simultaneously she started belting a crying whale.

“EHNAAAAHHHH!!!! EH-EHAAAAAHHHHH!!!!” She screamed, letting it all come out.

“Oh my god, this is insanity, Madison. Stop crying Madison. Stop crying!” She yelled, but Madison only dug into it further. She looked up at her mom with ferocity in her eyes. She screamed as loud as possible.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT I WEAR DIAPERS!!!” She screamed, banging her fists in unison.

“ENOUGH!” Melinda yelled, slapping her daughter across the face. The shock of it stopped Madison in her tracks. She turned back, face blushed red and wet.

“You let that accident define you! You could have just moved on from it. We all make mistakes. Who cares that it was in front of your boss? But no, you let it determine how you are, and now look at you.” She said, pointing directly at the puddle between her legs, “You can’t keep your pants dry to save your life. Do you see how far you’ve fallen? You have no job, no friends, no money. You’ve become exactly what you are. An overgrown Baby.” She yelled. When the dust settled, Madison didn’t know how to react. She just felt deep unrestricted anger.

“I hate you!” She yelled, getting up from the floor. She could feel a warm mixture leak down her legs. She scuttled to her room a few feet away and slammed the door.

“Don’t say that to me! I AM YOUR MOTHER!” Melinda yelled from behind the door. “Open up right now. You need to take a shower, you are covered in it!” She said, but Madison didn’t stop. She picked up her clock from across the room and threw it at the door.

“I DON’T CARE!” She yelled, ripping the button off of her jeans. She yanked them down. Her fingers grabbed at her tapes, and ripped those off too. The diaper landed with a squishy thud. Madison didn’t even attempt to clean herself up. She simply grabbed another diaper out of the pile, and shoved it up her legs. She fastened the tapes, and hopped into bed, grabbing her headphones in the process to drown out the banging on the door.

“This some shit that I usually don’t do, but for you I kinda, I kinda want to…”

The song played. She turned it up to max volume, then shoved her thumb into her mouth. She sucked on it hard until she stopped thinking.

Chapter 7: When You Step On A Crack

Madison’s finger scrolled past the Reddit posts. None of them interested her. The job search tab on Linkedin hadn’t been re-opened in 45 minutes.

*Knock Knock*

“Hold on! Don’t come in.” Madison said, reacting quickly to close the laptop then cover her naked body in case Melinda came in anyways. She didn’t open the door, instead she leaned in closer.

“Hey, would you like to get some ice cream together?” She asked politely. Madison let her guard down. Her immediate thought was ‘yes.’ It had been a month since she left the house. She looked out the window. Green trees swayed in the golden late afternoon glow. It felt like one of the last good summer days.

“Um…. sure.” Madison decided, she tried steering the conversation first, “I get to wear a pull-up, right?” She asked hopefully.

“I don’t-” Melinda said at first, but then took a pause. “Yes, you’ve been dry for three days, but do you really think it’s smart to wear your first one in public? You’re getting better, Madison. But there’s consequences if we rush this.” She argued.

“Mom, I’ll stay dry. I haven’t needed a diaper in three days. You promised.” She pleaded, mentally twisting her fingers.

“I don’t know…” She thought, mentally reviewing her potty training chart. The past week had been Madison’s best. She was starting to regularly make it while still staying dry. She recalled the tight hug the two of them shared that morning when she woke up dry for the third day in a row.

At the same time, it was easy to recall stale full diapers laying around Madison’s apartment floor. Dozens strown out, with some even growing mold.

“Next time, okay? I believe in you, Madison. You’ve done amazing these past few weeks, but what if you have an accident while we’re there?” She argued. Madison huffed.

“Mom, I can do this. I feel my control getting stronger everyday. Please?” Madison pleaded. Melinda sighed, knowing she had to be the bad guy here.

“You’re right. You can do this. I know you can do this. Prove to me you can stay dry this one last time, and you can wear Pull-Ups full time again.” She said sincerely.

“Fine.” Madison said, upset with the outcome. She knew there was no getting through to her after her mind was made up.

“Thank you for listening. Don’t think I’m not proud of your progress.” She said, waiting for a reply from Madison, but never got one. “I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.” She said Madison started pacing around the room.

“I can wear a pull-up. I’ve been dry for three days! We had a deal! She’s being overprotective like always.” Madison thought, she looked at her dresser.

The drawer slid open. It housed two packs of XXL Pull-Ups, they were the only size that could fit an adult waist. Madison dug her nails into the plastic. She tore the case open. Light purple Pull-Ups popped out of the tears. The distinct paper-product scent puffed from the bouquet.

“I’ll prove it to her! How can she be mad at me for staying dry?” Madison thought, feeling exhilarated about her new underwear. She replayed the memory of her fall. The feeling of septic slop wringing out into her jean shorts. It was a turning point. She’d put hard work into her incontinence issues ever since. She plucked a Pull-Up from the pack then stretched out the waistband. The padding was noticeably thinner as she lifted it up between her legs. She could feel more skin contact between her thighs. Their purpose was clear. This wasn’t a safety net. She needed to make it to the toilet. Anything more than a passing accident would make it leak.

Nervous thorns sank into Madison. The anxious part of her brain previously quieted by diapers flared like a scab. “What if I can’t hold it!??” Madison thought suddenly, remembering an accident from months before. Rushing into the movie theater’s bathroom, pee leaking unprotected into her pants. No matter how hard she clenched, it wouldn’t stop. Her fingers slowly stopped opening the pant’s button. It didn’t matter, most of it leaked into her shoes anyways.

“Is this really a good idea?” She wondered, looking down at herself. She felt like a little kid. “Is this Pull-Up not thick enough for me?” The idea fired in her head. “Adults don’t worry about that.” Responded. Madison pushed those realities out of her brain. “I’m an adult. I can make it if I want to. Why am I doing this to myself?” She thought, nervously stepping one foot on top of the other. Her arms crossed together like a pretzel. Regardless of how it made her feel, she needed to make a decision.

They were piled neatly in her closet. Her anxiety calmed when she thought about taping one on. She wouldn’t have to worry about making it. If she had to pee, her diaper would take care of it. Was there even a bathroom there? She couldn’t remember. She took a step toward the closet.

“No.” She said, pushing down the toxic thoughts. “I can do this. I’m not like I used to be. How can I put myself in a good position to not have an accident?” She thought, “My clothes.” If they’re easy to take off, then there’s less chance of an accident toward the end.” She thought, opening the drawer below her pull-up drawer. She dug through folded clothes until she felt her fingers run across denim. She pulled out a pair of overalls.

“I can snap these buttons at the top, and it’ll fall right off. This is perfect!” Madison reasoned, holding up the jean overalls in front of her. The more she looked at them, the more childish they seemed. “Maybe that’s why they wear them…” She realized. “No, it’s okay. I’ll look cute. Overalls and a cute top?” She thought, opening the last drawer. She scanned until she found a color that matched her feelings. She settled on a light red T-shirt. It was worn at the edges. The simplicity appealed to her.

“Perfect.” Madison thought, looking at herself in the mirror. She spun around to check the Pull-Up bulk. There was none. “Wow, way less noticeable than diapers.” She thought, seeing zero sign of creases or lines. The difference in the amount of bulk sat with Madison. “Someone definitely could tell I was wearing diapers this year.” She realized, thinking back to times where she didn’t even bother to hide it. Recalling wearing even tighter shorts with shorter legs than these overalls.

“What did that person think of me?” She wondered, “They probably thought I needed diapers. Do people think I need..?” She questioned, she shutdown that thought process.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine. The ice cream shop isn’t that far away. It’ll show Mom that she can trust me in Pull-Ups.” She reasoned, then finished getting dressed.

“Mom, I’m ready!!” She yelled out of the doorway.

“Come on down, I’m ready too.” Melinda shouted back. Madison walked out of her room, through the hallway, and down the staircase. She could tell her mother was scanning the bulk of her waist as she walked down. Nervous pangs pressed into her shoulders. Melinda’s eyes zoomed in closer. She stopped Madison’s quick attempt out the door.

“Are you wearing a diaper?” Her mother asked, moving her hand toward Madison’s waist. She had to think on her feet.

“Yes Mom, I’m wearing a diaper. Do you want to check me?” She said, faking an annoyed tone. Melinda’s hand stopped.

“Please, please, please.” Madison thought desperately behind her cool eyes.

“I believe you.” She said, her hand moving back to the side.

“YES!” Madison thought, breathing an internal sigh of relief. Her mother opened the front door. The sharp afternoon light felt like freedom.

Each car door slammed shut. Melinda shoved the key in the ignition. The engine turned over. Madison leaned forward in her seat as the car started rolling back out of the driveway.

The momentum reminded Madison of a background feeling in her body. Slight pressure waned on her bladder. Madison flexed her thighs on instinct to feel how wet she was. She was dry. It felt extremely foreign to have thin padding between her. She searched her bladder to feel how full it was. There was a low amount, it felt completely manageable.

“I’ll use the potty right when I get there. That’ll show her I’m good at knowing when I have to go too.” She reasoned. That plan made her feel better. “This is all falling into place.” Madison thought, letting herself relax into the chair.

“I’m sorry I made you wear a diaper.” Her mother said as they started down the road. “You’re right there, Madison. If you keep on this path you’ll be back in underwear in no time.” She said, Madison could feel second hand embarrassment from her lie. There was no way she could get out of it now. She fed deeper into it.

“Thanks, Mom. It sucks I got myself into this mess in the first place.” She said, watching the trees whirl by for a moment. “I feel way better, though. If it wasn’t for you and Dr. Elon. I’m not sure if I would have ever gotten out of them.” Madison said honestly.

“I really like that Doctor. She knows her stuff, and she’s always available whenever I call her.” Melinda said.

“How much do you two talk about me behind my back??” Madison said, both as a joke but still serious. Melinda chuckled before responding.

“Not as much as you’d think. She just understands the parent aspect of it. Your case isn’t as unusual as you’d think. She’s seeing it happen more frequently amongst people your age.” Melinda said, rounding a corner. They were nearly there.

“Which reminds me!” Melinda exclaimed suddenly, “I heard of a job opening you might like. It doesn’t have to be permanent, mind you; but I think it would be a great stepping stone for you to get back onto your feet.” Melinda said.

“What is it?” Madison said, subconsciously leaning in closer.

“It’s a receptionist job at All Smiles. The dentistry in Woodstock. Remember the one you went to for a couple months when you were a kid?” She said Madison reacted exactly as Melinda expected.

“Mom! A receptionist?? Making appointments and talking to the public? I have over five years of experience at one of the top financial firms in New York! It would look like I was starting over. Actually even worse than that, I’d look like I gave up.” Madison said, nearly disgusted by her Mother’s suggestion.

“It doesn’t have to be permanent, and don’t put it on your resume if you’re that worried about it. I think it’d be a great way to get you out of the house and back on a routine.” Melinda argued.

“... I guess.” Madison thought, there was some truth behind that. It would be nice to get out of her room. The feeling of cabin fever was starting to dawn on her.

“Something to think about. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.” Melinda said. They pulled into the parking lot. It looked busy. Numerous cars parked along the building.

“Thank you, Mom. I’ll think about it.” Madison said. “It would be nice to have money again…” She thought, as the car lurched to a stop. The movement reminded Madison of the growing amount of pee inside her. A familiar thought loop ran inside Madison’s mind.

“I need to go.” She thought, feeling the paper thin padding between her. She looked at a group of five walking into the store. Fear gripped her emotions. “What if they’re all going to the bathroom??” She thought frantically. It was easy to envision a long line of impatient patrons standing outside the bathroom door.

“Do you need to go?” Melinda asked sternly.

“What? No, no I don't need to go. What makes you think that?” Madison asked apprehensively.

“You’re fidgeting. You tend to do that before you start peeing.” Melinda said, her words turning into an investigation.

“I’m fine, Mom.” She said, opening the car door to exit the conversation.

“Don’t be afraid to use your diaper if you need to.” Melinda responded.

“Mom!” Madison said in a hushed tone. “People can hear you!!” She said, on the outside she had to keep up a composed demeanor. Inside she was starting to lose the mental battle. “I need to use the bathroom the SECOND we get in there.” She realized. The thin padding between her legs exacerbated the fears. “I should have put on a diaper…” She admitted to herself. Defeat started to creep into her thoughts. A part of her brain felt the urge to let go of the growing weight. She had to mentally fight it.

“Stop.” She thought, trying to shake it all out of her. “I’m not like that anymore. I’m wearing Pull-Ups for a reason.” But that thought process didn’t ease the tension as much as she thought it would.

This wasn’t the first time Maidson had been to the Ice Cream Shoppe. Her mother had brought her here since she was young. Although she hadn’t been in years, it felt like she’d been here recently. She looked to her left at the ice cream bar. She saw her reflection in one of the mirrors. The memory of her sticky dream surfaced.

“Ugh…” She groaned, also as a response to the physical pain pressing against the walls of her bladder. Her eyes darted to the bathroom door across the room. Her greatest fears had materialized. Two people stood outside waiting for the single use bathroom. Madison started walking toward it.

Melinda’s hand grasped her arm.

“Honey, can you just use your diaper this time?” Melinda asked, pointing at another group about to walk in. “I won’t be mad, I just don’t want to have to help you then wait behind all of these people.” Melinda said, already making the decision for them. She guided the two of them into the queue. Two red velvet ropes stood on either side of them. Madison could feel her control was starting to melt.

“Mom, are you seriously encouraging that, after all of this progress?” Madison tried to argue, her voice had fallen to a whisper. The pain started building faster than Madison had anticipated. Each second it got a little worse.

“This is your last diaper anyways. They’re all about to go to waste. It’s okay, Sweetie. I won’t count this one.” She said, shooing off her daughter’s frantic pleas. Madison stood in line as the grim reality started hitting her.

“I can go a little bit.” She thought, the plan already in motion. A gush of pee escaped into the Pull-Up. She felt it immediately warm and saturate the padding. It noticeably drooped between her thighs, even from that brief accident. She gritted her teeth. It barely quelled the pain.

“Mmm…” She whined, stepping over her feet again. It was a classic move in her potty dance.

“Madison, give it up. Just use your diaper.” Her mother whispered, but Madison wasn’t paying attention. All her focus was on not letting go of the swimming pool of pee inside her bladder. It hit her so suddenly. Letting go had been a mistake. With the floodgates already opened once, the needle-like pain on her muscles begged to relax. She crossed her legs. It helped ease some of the pressure. Madison looked at the bathroom door. The last person waiting walked into it. If she left now she’d still have a chance. There was no time for hesitation. Madison turned around, and started walking out of the ice cream line.

“Madi- Oh okay fine.” Melinda said, there wasn’t much she could do now anyways. Madison navigated through the line. With her legs now focused on walking, the pain inside her had become unbearable. She felt trickles of pee slip between her control.

“Ooohh!” She groaned, “HOLD IT!” Madison screamed inside her head. The Pull-Up had reached maximum capacity. The feeling between her thighs started growing moist. The denim started clinging wet to her skin. She made it to the end of the line. She was five feet from the entrance.

Her body froze in fear.

“I know! What do you think you’re going to get? I was-” Jessica said to her niece as they walked through the door. They stopped, a mere few feet away from one another.

“... Madison?” Jessica said in shock. She was the same manager who told Madison to stop her presentation and go to the bathroom all those months ago.

“Uh– muh–” Madison stammered, unable to mentally process what was happening. The shear shock corrupted her body. Every muscle seized up. The flow released unrestricted into her full Pull-Up. The pee spilled out the sides. It ran unprotected into the denim. Dark crescent stains grew quickly. The hot pee streamed through them. It streaked down her legs, then into her sandals. Madison didn’t speak. Nothing could stop her eyes from watering, as they too started to leak.

“Oh my god, are you serious… don’t look at her, Sadie.” Jamie said, motioning for her niece to avert her eyes. Madison just whimpered as the tears started streaking down her face. She helplessly gushed into her pants. A yellow puddle started forming between her feet.

“Madison! Are you KIDDING ME!??” Melinda suddenly screamed from behind. She came to her daughter’s side. “You said you put on a diaper! I told you this was going to happen!” Melinda yelled. The entire store was watching them. Madison’s entire existence collapsed into a black hole. She couldn’t do anything except stand there and continue peeing.

“You know her?” Melinda said to Jamie. She opened her mouth to respond, but then looked bizarrely at Madison. The two stared into each other’s eyes.

“No. I don’t know her.” Jamie said, she pulled at her nieces’ hand. “Come on, Sadie. Get out of the way. She just had a big accident.” She said, Melinda grabbed Madison’s arm.

“This is the worst day of my life…” Madison thought, the words delivering a final emotional blow. It cracked her foundation.

“Come on, Madison. We’re leaving.” Melinda said furiously. Madison felt her self-image crumble into dust. Snot accompanied another blast of tears. She whined as she started tugging at her mother’s grip.

“Mom, let me go! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize I had to go so bad until it was too late!” She yelled, as they walked out of the store.

“This is beyond ridiculous, Madison. You’re a grown woman and you just LIED to me about wearing a diaper!? Then you went and had an accident anyways!? You can kiss those Pull-Ups goodbye. You’re clearly not ready yet.” She yelled into the parking lot, letting her anger bubble over. Madison’s pain started manifesting into it’s own rage. Her eyes sharpened into hate.

“LET ME GO!” Madison yelled, tugging even harder, but Melinda had a deathgrip.

“I can’t believe you just did that. Do you realize how stupid you just made us look!? You looked and acted just like a baby in there.” Melinda said. That struck a deep chord with Madison. A year's worth of bottled hatred flamed inside her. She positioned her feet on the cement, she jerked her arm backward as hard as she possibly could.

“I’M NOT A BABY!!!” Madison screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Gwahh!!” Melinda yelped, the sudden force backward was too much. It toppled her. Melinda started falling backward. It happened in a split second. The back of Melinda’s skull hit the pavement. Madison heard the bone crack.

“MOM!” Madison screamed in shock. Her mother didn’t move. Blood started to pool beneath her head. Madison knelt down next to her. She shook her gently.

“MOM!?” She said, desperately frantic this time. People started crowding around.

“Someone call 911!” A person yelled out. Madison couldn’t think. She didn’t know what to do except continue to gently rock her. Nothing happened. She laid there lifeless.

“M-Mommy??” She muttered feebly, as lingering dribbles of pee dropped into her sopping wet Pull-Up.

Chapter 8: Finale

The dull sound of a high note on an old child’s piano. Madison was already bored of it. The jumbled notes she’d been playing didn’t translate to the happy singalong-songs in her head. A more exciting toy, that Tina had brought in yesterday, caught her eye. She felt a deep urge to grab the light-up wand. She moved her hand to the floor and gripped the yellow-plastic handle. Moving her arm into the air, she smashed the plastic bulb onto the ground. The lights inside of it activated from the sudden impact.

Madison watched the rainbow lights flutter inside the bulb of the toy. When they stopped, she lifted it above her head again then smashed it back down on the carpet. The lights activated and whirled back to life. Madison giggled at the pretty colors. It was easy to watch them go again and again.

Her mind didn’t entertain any reason to stop. That felt like too much work. Not to mention how boring that was compared to watching the lights. She smashed the bulb on the ground to reignite it. This time she brought it right up to her eyeballs.

“Woaah…” She muttered, letting her pupils dance around them. Each flash of color sent the same spark of simple joy through her brain. It felt like her neurons were dancing too. Without thinking about it, Madison threw the toy up into the air, then watched it crash back down on the floor a few feet away from her. She snickered at how silly that was.

She shifted her weight from criss-cross to her hands and knees. The weight of her diaper sagged heavily from the new force of gravity. The apex of her diaper drooped heavily halfway down her thighs. It was nearly indistinguishable from when Tina taped her into it. The back had darkened into a grayish-brown. The center and front was grayish-yellow. Even she could tell it was desperately time for a change. The leak guards were starting to feel wet as they rubbed across her thighs.

The diaper wasn’t the only part of Madison that was a mess. Her hair hadn’t been washed in weeks. It had devolved into a dry, clumpy frizzy mess. It looked like Hermionie on her worst hair day. Oatmeal stains from breakfast caked over her chest and cheeks.

Madison crawled toward her toy and picked it up. She let her butt fall back down to the carpet. The diaper squished under the weight. It sounded like dropping a wet towel on the floor. The smell of dirty diaper puffed out of the waistband. It didn’t consciously register though, she was nose-blind to it.

Her teeth yearned to feel the plastic bulb of the toy. Saliva watered underneath her tongue. She didn’t hesitate on emotional urges anymore. Chewing things had become a fun new hobby too. Her mouth opened wide. She shoved the toy into it, then immediately bit down, flexing her jaw muscles to vary the chew. Her lips managed to wrap around half of the bulb. She sucked on it as her teeth relished in the relief it brought them.

It felt too childish for a split second. And it was, for an adult to chew on a flashing baby toy. She doubled down. She pushed down her self-deprecating adult thoughts and feelings. Her mind regressed into a deeper childish state. Instead of stopping pooling saliva from slipping out between her lips, she let it drool onto the toy. Numbing bliss ejected into her brain.

Her mind was quiet as she gurgled and drooled. Baby toys were doing that. The simple pleasure they brought were easy to latch onto. Madison relaxed her mind even further, pushing through another boundary. Pee sputtered out into her diaper. No part of her mind or body alerted her to it. Instead, her eyes dulled into a vacant stare out the window. She focused her entire being into her blank yellow mind. She drifted in it for a long time.

“Gggna- gggna-” Melinda gurgled from across the room. Madison blinked the dry haze out of her eyes. She didn’t form an inner monologue, she just looked over in that direction.

“Bwooh? Mama?” Madison said, popping the toy out of her mouth. Drool connected from her lips to the toy. The line snapped, then spilled onto the ground. She grinned a wide drooly smile. “Mama you’re awake from your nap!!” Madison squealed in delight. She dropped the toy onto the floor and immediately started crawling over.

“Gggna- g-ggna-” Melinda said again, she was on her back looking up at the ceiling. Her arms and legs kicked in a repetitive pattern. Her left leg twitched, then her right arm jerked. Her head was starting to grow noticeable peach fuzz. It didn’t grow around the scars on the back of her head. The surgery scars formed the outlines of a box.

“Ggna Ggna??” Madison copied her mother. She smiled. This was one the highlights of her day. It was so exciting when her mother was verbal. She savored it. Melinda’s pupils flicked to the side to get a better look at Madison.

“M- Ma-” She mummed out of her mouth. She opened wide for a toothy smile. Her hands stayed where they were, but her fingers started grabbing.

“Ma- Mama!” Madison said, point down at her. “You’re my Mama!” She said, trying to relate as easily as she could by shoving her hand up between Melinda’s legs.

“Even if you have on a squishy pee pee diaper!” She said, her hand getting a handful of wet mush. It felt warm, she squeezed it a couple times then jerked it left and right, almost as if to tease her mother. Madison leaned down to dig her nose into the padding. She opened her mouth to get a full inhale.

“Peeeeyoooo! Mama you need a diapie change.” Madison said with a childish lisp. She looked down at her own diaper. It was dirtier than she expected. It made her chuckle. She shaked her hips to feel it jiggle around. It felt giddy to play in a full diaper.

“Itz okay, I needa changing too, Mommy.” She said, noticing in the moment how much her dialog was starting to slip. She winced at herself, feeling a flare of adulthood cringe. She looked uneasy. Instinctively, she focused on her childish thoughts. Lullabies from the TV echoed in her head.

“I’m safe, this is safe” She thought, her mindset slipped away from adult expectations. Anxious tension relaxed. The fun sticky thoughts from her toy and gurgling mother started to take over again.

“Hmmmm-Mmmm. Hmmm-Mmmmm” Melinda buzzed, her mummers devolving into hums. Her eyes looked away from Madison and back up to the ceiling. She maintained the twitch of her left, then right jerk. This was as long as Melinda could usually talk for. Madison kissed her mother on the forehead, then placed a hand on her wet cheek.

“I love you, Mom.” She said, feeling at peace. Madison heard footsteps coming up from behind her. She twisted her torso to look around. Sure enough, Tina was right behind her.

“I don’t have to check either of you. I could smell you from across the room. Both of you need changes!” Tina said poking fun. Tina was a 40 year-old nurse practitioner for the state department of health. Her navy blue polo had the department’s crest embroidered over her left breast. She was originally assigned to Melinda after her vegitative diagnosis. Her job was to take complete care of Melinda. Feed her, bathe her, change her diapers. It wasn’t that much different than Madison’s needs. Tina didn’t mind taking care of her too. She was there to help the mentally impaired. It felt natural to assist her.

Madison blushed, childishly trying to hide her diaper.

“I’m not THAT wet…” She said, knowing her defense was thinly veiled. Tina chuckled.

“Yeah? Say that to the little puddle in between your legs.” Tina said, pointing at the small wet stain on the carpet. Madison looked down in disbelief, but sure enough, there it was. She had started to leak without even knowing.

“That’s not from my pee pee! Thats- uh- Mama’s!!” Madison said wildly, looking for any scapegoat. She pointed at her mother.

“Uh-huh, blaming your own Mommy for accidents now? That’s not very nice!” Tina said teasingly, Madison didn’t respond, her face just turned deeper red. She looked away bashfully. “Come on, you know the drill. Let’s get you out of that icky diaper and into a fresh one.” Tina said, turning toward the changing supplies across the room. It made sense to keep supplies in both the living room and bedrooms. Madison’s demeanor brightened. It would feel nice to be dry again. Her hands dropped to the floor. She followed behind on her knees.

Tina walked over to the supplies. She grabbed the rolled-up Peppa Pig patterned changing mat, aloe wipes, plastic pants, along with an absurdly thick adult diaper. They were a new brand of adult diaper designed to hold over a gallon of pee. She gently rolled the mat out onto the carpet.

“Go ahead.” Tina said, patting the mat. Madison crawled onto it, then fell on her back. She laid there naked and diapered, with her feet flat on the ground and her knee-caps up. Tina pinched the top layer tapes then slowly peeled them off.

“You really went poopy in this one, huh? You’re such a good girl for not complaining about it!” Tina said, her fingers grabbing the next layer of tapes. Madison smiled, feeling pride light-up her chest.

“Thank you, Tina.” Madison said, recalling their chat a number of weeks ago. She had made it clear she couldn’t get changed right after every messy accident, even if it felt gross. She had to learn to sit in it. It felt really good to make Tina happy. The last tape ripped off. The front of Madison’s diaper collapsed with a flop onto the mat. The nose-pinching stench of pee and mess wafted out.

“Woaahh! Someone was going potty all morning long, wasn’t she?” Tina teased, Madison felt embarrassed. Getting talked to like a baby drilled bubbly childish thoughts deeper into her mind. Her ability to form fully fleshed adult sentences start to dissolve.

“I didn’ p-potty dat mush!” She tried to plead. Tina grabbed some wipes out of the pack.

“Oh yeah, you didn’t go potty that much? Huh??” She said, her fingers plunged into the side of Madison’s torso. She started wiggling her fingers. Madison exploded into a fit of snorting giggles. She squirmed to try and defend herself from the attack.

“Who went potty in their diapy? Huh? Did you go potty??”

“Ahehehe!! Stowp iwt Dina!!!” Madison screamed through giggles.

“Oop! Too many tickles!” Tina exclaimed suddenly, quickly grabbing the front of Madison’s saturated diaper. She lifted it up to catch the gentle stream of pee leaking out.

“Huh?” Madison said, flexing her abs to look up between her legs. She saw the accident peeing out of her. It was a strange moment. She hadn’t noticed herself peeing in a long time. Her body felt nothing. It was like watching a faucet. She couldn’t flex her pelvic muscles. They had completely atrophied. She flopped back down, and instantly stopped thinking about it, before the stream even tapered off. Potty control didn’t matter.

“Alright, lift your butt!” Tina said, Madison responded by lifting an inch above her diaper. The cold wipe started scraping the mess off her butt. “Come on, I know you can go a little higher.” Tina said, patting her messy cheek. Madison huffed, irritated she had to put in the extra work. Each wipe felt cooler than the last, as the mess wiped away and more skin came in contact.

“What do you want for lunch today?” Tina asked, grabbing a fifth wipe from the pack. She grabbed something else from the pile of supplies too.

“Uuuhhhhhhhh cawn I has Mac & C-cheese pweaseeeee?” Madison said, laying on her cutest tone possible to get what she wanted.

“Again? You’ve had Macaroni and Cheese three days in a row! You’re going to turn into Macaroni and Cheese if you keep eating it all the time!” Tina joked, lightly tickling Madison's side again.

“Eeeeheee!” Madison squealed, her mouth opened. Tina used it to her advantage. She dug an adult sized pacifier into her mouth. Madison’s mouth happily accepted it. Her lips tightened firmly around the rubber bulb. She sucked, pushing her tongue up into the bulb to get maximum pressure. Her mouth automatically slipped into rhythmically sucking. Her lips duck faced with each suck.

“Hrmm…hmmmmm….” Madison mumbled behind the pacifier. Her mind and body relaxed. Cool whisps soothed her brain. Everything that was running in the background stopped. Her muscles placated into docile soft tissue. She was completely captivate to Tina’s commands.

“Lift up again, Sweetie.” Tina said, Madison did it perfectly this time. Tina slid the fresh diaper underneath. “Aaand down.” Tina said, Madison followed along. She wasn’t consciously paying attention anymore. Her eyes rolled around aimlessly. Ever few seconds she let out a random feeble whimper.

“Aaeenwuwoo.” Madison gurgled inaudible as sweet soft baby powder sprinkled onto her skin. No effort went into using her lips properly. Cooing noises felt like enough. They often were with Tina. She had an uncanny ability to always know what she meant.

“Yeah? Do you like the powder, Baby?” She said rubbing it in. Madison’s finger looped around the ring of her pacifier. She nodded up and down. Tina took her time making sure every inch of her diapered skin was properly covered. “I don’t know if we need this much anymore, you haven’t gotten a diaper rash in a long time. But I know you love it anyways.” Tina pulled the front of her diaper up to her belly button. It was noticeably thicker than the ones she usually wore. Her thighs couldn’t touch because of the bulk. It felt good to have that much padding between her.

“I’m going to start using these instead of the ones your Mother wears. You need a little more protection than her.” Tina said. Madison wasn’t paying attention. She couldn’t really understand her in the first place. The words sounded mumbled, like she was talking through a wall.

“Pfffffff!” Tina suddenly buzzed her lips on top of Madison’s exposed stomach. The raspberry yanked her back into reality. She squealed at the top of her lungs.

“Yeee! Eeaahahhnahhh!!” She gurgled, smiling but still holding the pacifier between her teeth. She threw her hands up to try and stop it. Tina played coy for a moment, looking away as though she wouldn’t do it again. She faked Madison out by juking to raspberry one way, only to move in the other direction.

“Pfffff!” This time Madison squealed at her highest pitch possible. She dissolved into a fit of giggles as Tina grabbed the top left tape. She knew exactly where to stick it to get it perfect. The right one followed, then finally the bottom tapes. It fit thick and snug around Madison’s waist.

“You’re all set, Kiddo.” Tina said, patting the front of her diaper. Powder puffed out of it. She reached down and grabbed a plushy brachiosaurus off the floor. Madison sent grabby fingers up. She clutched it then hugged it tight.

“Eeee…” Madison hummed content. She felt better now that her waist wasn’t wading through a swamp. She rocked left and right, mindlessly animating the dinosaur’s legs.

*Ding Dong*

“Ohp! Maybe it’s your next box of diapers!” Tina said, getting up off her knees and back on her feet. She started walking toward the front door.

Madison swayed from side to side on her changing mat. The plushy engulfed her entire mind, envisioning the dinosaur talking to her. It wasn’t English, but simple expressions of bright happy nonsense. Her mind was too regressed to formulate letters. Sucking on her pacifier, playing with a plushy, snug in a fresh diaper. This was where she felt safe from life.

“Madison?” Sophia spoke from the doorway.

“Mwmm??” Madison said, her mind didn’t register the voice at first, it was still deep in the haze. She looked over lazily. When she realized who it was, those eyes filled with shock. Suffocating mortification engulfed her mind and emotions. She gasped, dropping the plushy then jumping up from the changing mat. Her exposed oatmeal covered breasts jiggled from the motion. The pacifier tumbled to the ground.

“S-Soph?” Madison stammered, she was still trying to pull herself out of it. A strong urge surfaced to thumb suck away the bad feelings. Her hands tried covering her diaper again. Sophia’s face twisted into a mix of disgust and disbelief.

“I’m sorry I came here.” She said to Tina, then turned away.

“Sophia, wait!” Madison yelled, running up to the door. It was difficult with the bulkiest diaper on the planet. It was more of a very fast waddle. She ran out into the driveway. It was cold, given it was nearly winter. “Sophia!” She yelled, grabbing her friend's shoulder to turn her around.

“Holy shit, get inside Madison. You look ridiculous. You don’t want anyone else seeing you like this!” She said, pointing toward the door.

“Sophia, I-I can explain. This isn’t me um…. I don’t know if you heard but my momm- mom. She, had an accident.” She said, waiting for Sophia’s response that never came. She filled the silence,”I don’t actually need diapers, I’m…” Stammering desperately, but she didn’t know where to go.

“Madison, just stop. You don’t have to justify it to me. This isn’t a game anymore. This is real. I came here because I didn’t want to believe the rumors. But...” She said, too sickened to keep going. Madison started getting goosebumps and a light shiver.

“But what?” Madison said, unable to fight the urge to cry. “I can fix this. I’m not sick, this isn’t who I am, my mom had an accident…” She said, trailing off. Sophia grabbed the door handle.

“You’re not your Mom.” Sophia said, looking away. “I’m sorry, Madison. I need to go.” She said, her voice growing sorrow.

“Sophia please!” Madison said, taking another step forward. Sophia held her hand up.

“Stop. I said I need to go. I can’t look at you like this. Goodbye, Madison.” Sophia said, she opened the handle, then got in. The car door shut, the engine turned on. Sophia looked into her rearview mirror as she rolled out of the driveway. She started crying too.

Madison folded her arms together to maintain body heat. She watched her friend back out into the road, then drive away. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She stood there for as long as she could. The few cars that drove by didn’t matter. Her body started shaking vigorously from the cold dry air.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Madison started repeating in her head as she walked back inside. Depression started dropping in like a mudslide. Her eyes darted right to it. She knew it wasn’t a good way to cope, but there was no way she had the willpower to fight it. Her walking stumbled into a crawl halfway to the vibrator. Her padded butt landed right next to it. She instantly noticed the slight mush of her diaper. She grabbed the wand and turned it on, pressing up against the center of her diaper.

“I had an accident in front of Sophia.” She thought, “I pissed myself like a little baby in front her.” Her mind started hurdling back toward puffy pink clouds. She let infantile thoughts bloom to push out her adult stresses. “She said people think I a big baby. That I big stinky poo poo baby that needs her DIAPERS.” She thought, pushing the vibrator harder into the padding. She was rewarded with more delicious bliss.

“Mmmm I wanna be a baby again.” She finally admitted to herself. That idea felt scary. Her adultself wasn’t too far away, but it was the truth. She leaned into it, letting that build the walls of her self identity. Being an adult was too much for her. The trauma she’d experienced the past two years was personality altering. It was simply too heavy for her heart to hold. Something had to break.

She started letting all the embarrassing moments flood her mind. Normally she had enough willpower to hold back, but it didn’t matter anymore. She thought about peeing herself in Dr. Elon’s office.

“Why didn’t I have my diapie on? Oohh…” She moaned, feeling that taboo thought elicit another level of pleasure. “I should call her, tell her I’m just a baby now. I actually like diapers.” She thought, focusing on that. She thought about pissing herself in front of everyone she knew. To prove to them she wasn’t a big kid anymore. “Mhmm I go diapie pee pee.” She looked down at it, then pressed down on her bladder. Warm piss instantly flooded into the padding. Every ounce of it absorbed into the sogging padding. That made her feel crazy. She adjusted her position, sitting instead on the vibrating wand. Her hips started bucking.

“I’m not potty trained anymore. I can’t go back. I’m not good at it.” She thought, thinking back to flooding her Pull-Up in the Ice Cream Shoppe. That ripped unsolved trauma out into her mind like an infected scab. She focused those crushing feelings on using the toilet. She pressed the dark swirly scribbles into her mental potty training.

“Make it go awwaayyyy.” She thought, pinpointing it, she envisioned the concept of the bathroom. Babies didn’t think about using the bathroom. They just used their diapers. That’s what Madison did. It’s what she always did. Every memory in her head, she painted over them with diapers. She made it permanent. She never got out of them. In the deepest core of her heart, she believed that. Her whole life smelled like a stale messy diaper. She wanted this. The shear sexual pleasure helped rewire the memories. Things were starting to get scrambled. Thought control was evaporating. This was real neurological damage. Her face started to relax into a blissful state.

“Heh, hehe, I’m making myself stooopid.” She thought, feeding even deeper into it. Her brain spun up the dream. Ice cream plastered all over her face. She thought about her mother falling. It was her fault she was like this. That erupted the darkest thoughts yet.

“Madison.” A voice came through, it was her own. “Do you really want to do this?” She could see her adultself. She knew this was a limit she never reached before. It was a hard limit. There was no going back.

She clicked the wand into the highest setting. She gently gasped at the heightened ecstasy. She started leaving her body.

In her mind, she grabbed her adultself’s hand. Then yanked it backward.

“Ahh!” It yelled, before falling head first onto the pavement. The crack reverberated through her neurons.

“I want this.” She whispered. White hot fusion started in the back of her brain. It raced through to the front. The chemicals in her brain changed forever. Her eyes widened. Her pupils rolled into the back of her head. Her tongue flopped out of her mouth. Drooly gurgles sputtered out of her.

“Bye-Bye” Was the last adult thought she had, until it all disintegrated into neurotic mush. Her brain lost the ability to think. It was physically impossible now. This was how she decided to finally cope with it all.

“Gwneh eenneeehhh!!” She babbled, forever unable to say anything smarter. She lost control of herself. Her body exploded into a brain crumbling orgasim. It was like all the lights in her head flashed as bright as they could, then all popped at the same time.

“Deuh.” She said, flopping onto her back.The ceiling above her swirled. Babyish imaginary friends danced. Her body twitched from the reaction. Everything in her head was gone. She had become exactly what she wanted to be all along. Childish thoughts filled the void. She didn’t think, only wants pinballed through her skull. Toys, flashy baby cartoons, wet and dry diapers, Tina’s nipple, mushy play doh.

“Madisooonn! Your Mac & Cheese is ready!” Tina yelled from the kitchen.

“Ggnah, neegh” She babbled, her limbs wobbling aimlessly. Tina walked back into the living room.

“There you are! Are you gonna come?” Tina asked.

“Beh.. gneh…” She gurgled, floating in the rapture of her new life.

“She’s really gone right now, I’m gonna have to get the chair” She said. It wasn’t that strange in the end, loading up the disabled Madison into a wheelchair. Even if it was the first time. It especially wasn’t weird feeding her for the first time too.

Because that was typical for someone like Madison. Tina knew it, Madison knew it, everybody knew it.

She was just a safe little baby.

The End

MC

2022