Why is Nik M.I.A. until the 21st ??? (Patreon)

Now I know what you’re thinking to yourself.

Your saying ,

Sure Nik is away from the office,

But why ?

Whatever would make him away for so very long.

The following is a list of reasons that may either make you feel jealous solidarity or sympathy (OR they might make you feel something different because I would never presume to know what you were thinking or feeling nor would I be quite so audacious as to tell you what you should think or feel because you are a glorious little star and no one deserves to tell you how to shine)

Nik may be out because:

-Jason Momoa walked into the grocery store Nik bags groceries at, scooped Nik off of his feet and carried him off into the sunset.

-Nik may have finally had to go settle his debts with the Carpathian Clown mafia , a ruthless band of cutthroat underworld children’s birthday performers, which would inevitably devolve into a John Wick esque quick cut murder fest with a dark humor because everyone he kills dies and the last sound they make is the red nose honk

-Nik is the American Doctor. Hes been dealing with Daleks and Sontorans and doing things that frankly makes the Chris Chibnall run seem logical. There was this one time with The Master , an avocado pit, and Ricardo Montalbán in a weird art heist in 1613 Paris… it was frikking weird

-Alejandro Jodorowsky was standing over Nik when Nik woke up Saturday and said he was directing Nik’s autobiography. They have been in the desert of Maine ever since, and Nik is being chased by George Washington across the desert , the Kool Aid Man his only companion up until yesterday when he evaporated and died. Nik broke him to use as a weapon and yesterday he met Ryan Reynolds, Jesus, and the Animaniacs. They meditated on the nature of birth and they served Nik the Grimace off of a hibachi manned by Jack Black. Nik doesn’t know what’s going on , Alejandro thinks this will be the biggest thing since Weird Al’s Alapalooza , and says it’s going to be 14 hours long and we have another sixty one days of filming… or 83 hours.

-Throw Throw Burrito Mortal Kombat .

Nik has engaged in a cross dimensional tournament that will determine the fate of the realms. So it’s Throw Throw Burrito , but when someone gets hit by a Burrito , they die a horrible and frankly ridiculously violent death and then someone says “ Fatality! Nik Wins!” And then Nik does the Chun Li victory pose involuntarily .

-Nik has traveled to Transylvania to fulfill the prophecy and dance battle Dracula and his armies of the night to once and for all discover who is the dark lord of disco

-Someone removed a Cross from the Hill of Crosses in Lithuania , allowing the wicker mech to get free, rejoin with Grandmama Forge Bear at the senior center for eldritch horrors , and now Nik is assembling a team of scrappy teenagers to become super powered ninjas who have color coordinated 3 toed sloth robots that they pilot and will eventually assemble into a giant Tartagrade robot that will fight Grandmomma ForgeBear Wicker Kaiju on the front lawn of Graceland

-Having followed a White Rabbit into a mushroom filled warren ( and of course Nik ate some, that would be rude otherwise) Nik is currently in a topsy turvy world where nothing makes sense, the royalty is obsessed with themselves to the detriment of their people , and there are oddities and monstrosities aplenty… could be Wonderland, could be Boston, could be Dollywood, I’ll let you know if Nik figures it out

-After a raucous Friday with a couple of friends, Nik awoke on a 3 mast whaler that had been repurposed as a Pickler ship , and is crewed by just the kindest crew of Velociraptors you ever have met. The problem is they have a pickle run to make to Greenland, where they shall deposit pickles to the populous via cannon, and then drop Nik off in or on the Habah in Bahston …

-Picture this:

Nik in a fine pinstriped suit and white Panama hat with a caramel leather attaché case. An early morning fog rolls in Uncle Funtimes Amusement Park, Nik hands his ticket to the Eugene Engine Mini Train Ticket Collector and proceeds to take a seat across from a severe man in a Fez. As the little train goes woo woo around the park, Nik settles in to do business with a man who will die upon that train due to mysterious circumstances, and when the train comes to its destination with a “ Woo Woo Eugene has stopped to Choo Choo! Depart from the left of the train and don’t forget to stop at our shaved ice booth and splash pad now only accept credit and debit.” Nik departs, discovering he must go back to Sesame Street , and knowing this time… he might not leave alive…

And Lastly,

- Nik is acting upon the wishes of St. Ursus, patron saint of Bearded Burly Bearmen. For Nik was bow hunting moose from the kayak he had whittled over six hours while drinking whiskey, deep frying lamb in butter , and writing epic erotic poetry. All at once St. Ursus said “ Heya Nik whatcha dooooin’ ?!?” And Nik sayeth unto Ursus, “ Ya know, stuff…” upon that day, Ursus told Nik to go forth and take up the Quixotic task of eliminating LDE, going so far as granting Nik access to the Quantum Leap program so that he might eliminate LDE throughout history since it is to blame for a FUCK TON OF SHIT … like probably every war and a bunch of really dumb human persecution ….for while your dick may be little, you don’t need to operate out in the world with little dick energy. Because nobody needs dick energy unless they want dick or it’s energy …. Crazy, amirite ?!?!

https://youtu.be/22vbhTi1ieI