Feeling defeated... A look within, from the outside (Patreon)

I've been attempting to be more vocal about what's going on with me and how I'm feeling. I've made posts in the past 10 or so months about it and have just simply been trying to not be so closed off as I always am. I'm not too sure if it helps yet, but I'm still wanting to try.

Last night, I'd fallen back into a string of thoughts that led me to wonder what I'm doing, if it's the right thing, etc. After that, it often results in me questioning if me even feeling these things are valid and I think they are, so that's why I want to push through the resistance in my head of me telling you guys and try to post it anyways. I really hope no one misunderstands me, and if you do, I will do my best to try to clarify what I meant. These thoughts have been happening for a while now, and I lose to them every time. 

Views. Subscribers. Viewers. Patrons. 

If I mention any of those things, I feel like I'm bound to look shallow, or as if I'm doing everything for attention or money, but I'd like to say you guys have given me the opportunity to do these videos as if it's a part-full time job since I get paid as much as I did working my last job. What started these thoughts did come from the viewpoint of letting the numbers determine my worth and I can get how that's wrong but it caused me to look within and see what was in my control, or what could be my fault. I do believe in accountability and taking ownership so I wanted to see what I'd find. I've never been able to understand why people watch my reactions, and I feel like that's a problem. It feels rather isolating to feel like (from my experience watching other's videos) I'm the only one that speaks my mind fully, on things, even if I don't express them well ha. Mostly everyone enjoys everything and that can speak true to their wide range of taste. Please don't take this as I'm bashing any of the kpop youtubers as I'm friends with a lot of them. It just feels like the more I say, "This one isn't my cup of tea." or "I don't know how I feel about this one y'all." I'm digging the channel deeper and deeper into the grave. The more I say something isn't my style, I lose viewers - which again, makes sense as I'm aware people view reactions to see others hype up their favorite artists. I just feel like it sucks. 

Why do you guys enjoy my reactions?

I asked myself, instead of just thinking about it... Some people DO like that I don't like things, maybe it's more realistic, maybe it's relatable to them personally, or maybe it's to gain perspective of someone who doesn't normally like the things you love and engage in conversation. 

Some of you likely came from a couple years ago when I started with BTS. From the jump I was very fond of their artistry and the lyrics always seemed like they portrayed beautiful, meaningful things and I enjoy things like that. People told me that was always the case with their music so I went into every song looking for some deeper music. I was always looking at things with a fine eye and reading more in depth to the lyrics. Then finding out that they had a complex story line and stuff gave me even more of a reason to look deeper into things. Once that concluded and I dipped my feet into other groups, I started to carry that into their videos to until I started to get comments telling me that I pause too much, talk too much, or that I'm looking at things too deeply and I should just enjoy the song/music video. I noticed that I was looking for deeper meaning in club/party songs lol, so I understood them and started to get out of that habit, which then resulted in me just going off of what I'm hearing and if I enjoy it or not. The result of that was more shorter videos and more videos of me saying I don't like things.

I've always felt jealous of people being able to express themselves and how their feeling. Seeing more idols in shows and stuff opened me up even more because it became the main consumption of media for me. I've been wanting to learn to be more expressive and I feel like that's another reason the progress of things have plateaued. I'm not good at expressing that "I really enjoy this, I'm happy right now.", which seems to be a common thing in a positively received reaction video. 

I personally do not care about how many subscribers are on the channel, but with the way that online content creation works it's important to mention it. I like to see our community grow and have more conversations in the comments with new people. I'm grateful for everyone who has subscribed as well. It's a part of having a channel though, so that's why I mentioned viewership, subscribers etc. I wanted to view it critically and share my thoughts on it so I hope that doesn't come off as "Why don't I have more subscribers? I should have more subscribers." 

I am a work-a-holic so I am always trying to be productive and use every hour of the day doing something towards something. I make to do lists, that exceed the hours of the day I'm available to do things and get really disappointed in myself when they aren't all finished. I don't count anything as progress or getting things done unless everything on the list is done. It's unhealthy, I'm aware but I'm in a race with myself. 

In terms of growth, I don't think that it hasn't really benefitted me in either way, posting less, or posting more. It feels like I'm at a stand still. I took the advice to primarily focus on videos I wanted to focus on (here/YT) and occasionally do request, it didn't do me much good. I started to post a lot more, on select days, doing whatever people requested, and I'm not sure if it helped either. I take a lot of you guys' feedback and comments to heart and try my best to cater to your wants and stuff, which I don't think it a problem, I feel like it all makes sense in a "content creator's" position but it is hard. 

Which then makes me feel like it's because of me, since I feel I don't have much of a interesting personality, and I'm not good at expressing myself. 

I feel like, in the spectrum of content, I cover a pretty decent range. Here and on YT, but, they're either not growing because of me, because I'm not focusing on one specific group, or because I say how I honestly feel. It kind of leaves me lost at what to do, how to post, when others are able to grow by doing less videos? If I'm making sense? Kudos to them of course, I'm not wanting to take away anyone's accomplishments or anything I'm just hoping it makes some type of sense. 

Despite all the negative feelings and slight comparisons and feeling defeated, I still also have a part of me that wants to try, and try harder. Do more. Because I don't like giving things up and I've always wanted to do things like this as a job one day, and even if it doesn't branches into other things as well, I don't want to let this go. It still motivates me to try. I've wanted to help my older sister pay for her surgery, help my little sister have money for college, give my grandma money whenever she needs help and I need to be able to help myself take this leap moving out of state in a couple of months as well. I want to be able to help the people I'm supposed to help and feel balanced. I'm not sure how I can learn to be more outgoing or expressive but I will look into anything I can so that I can do that.

I'm sorry if videos haven't been enjoyable to you guys over the course of time. I'm not sure if I should only upload the reactions to the songs I ended up liking or keep things as they've been. I can't say I'll make videos acting like I like every song because it takes way too much energy to do all of that but I'm actively trying to come up with positive solution. 😓