Out of the frying pan and into the fire: Identity & Stereotypes (Patreon)

Stereotypes, assumptions, comparisons... Some times they stem from a community itself, in-jokes shared among members of the same group, poking fun at themselves respectfully. But often, they're used to blame and dehumanize already vulnerable groups of people. Ill will, spite, and hurtful comments thrown towards them, pre-conceived ideas of how they HAVE to act, how a proper something-or-other is meant to be, how deviation from the norm is, at best, bad, and at worst, punishable by those with power...

I don't think I need to explain why stereotyping and forcing people to act in ways they are not comfortable with is bad, right?

As part of the LGBT+ community myself, I've often run into this kind of hurtful comments. Whether it be Transphobes that believe trans women like myself are 'secretly men', that we're 'preying on REAL women's spaces and making them unsafe', to your run-of-the-mill Bigot that cherry-picked whatever parts of the Bible were more convenient to their point of view, and believe Same-Sex relationships are a Sin.

And yet, while the most hurtful and dangerous stereotypes and accusations come from the outside... We also are hurt from within our own community. While I wanted to talk about these 'boxes' and 'stereotypes' at large, today I wanted to talk, more specifically, about the hurtful rules and assumptions people within our own community sometimes impose on us.

So let's start, shall we?

So let me preface this: Hi! I am Roxy. I am an autistic, pansexual trans woman, of Spanish descent, born and living in Spain. I consider myself quite lucky, of the life I've led, the supportive community I've found, and while I have some friction with my family, they're at least generally supportive of me pursuing HRT. I also do not experience bottom dysphoria, something I will elaborate on later. What I am trying to say is: My life has been pretty good, even with its ups and downs. I am aware there's many people who go through awful, awful things. I am aware of the privileged position I say these things from. So perhaps some of what I'm about to say will sound superfluous to those in deeper shit than I am. My heart goes out to those whose families shun or disown them for who they are, to those who can't be who they are because of a lack of resources or fear of their immediate community, and specially in these unstable and very scary times. That said, this is something I consider important to examine within our community, regardless of whether there are "more important things" to take care of, discomfort, suffering, bias and negativity, oppression, isn't a competition.

So with that out of the way!

Boxes. Everyone has heard it before, whether directed to them, addressed at someone else, in some piece of fiction they have consumed... "Boys don't cry." "Girls shouldn't dress like that." Deeply rooted societal conventions that establish the Status Quo from a young age. Girls dress in pink and put on make-up. Boys are tough and don't show their emotions. That little boy being mean to that girl? Oh, that's just their way of flirting! Ah, my little boy is going to be such a ladies man when he grows up!

Internalized byproducts of the way Society has come to tell us what the 'normal' and 'acceptable' is supposed to be, perpetuating a cisheteronormative, mysoginistic, neurotypical, very biased view of the world. Deviation from the norm either outs you, making you the 'weird' or 'odd one out', or makes others dismissive or even aggressive towards you. Considering my blog and Patreon's demographic, however? You all knew about this already.

There is no shame in being yourself. There should be no shame. We group together with people like us, as proof that we exist, as a community, even if societal biases 'others' us. Whoever you're attracted to, whoever you are.  However it is you process information. Whether you need aid with something or other. You are you. One should always strive to be the 'self' they're happier as, and shouldn't be shamed for their identity, and way of being, so long as they are not hurting others in the process of course. Striving to better oneself, striving to reach one's personal goals, striving to normalize our way of being.

And herein lies the problematic dichotomy withing communities of already vulnerable individuals. 

What IS "Better" and what IS "Hurtful"?

We are part of communities, already punished by those outside of it. We group together because of this sense of belonging, finding people with experiences we can relate to. But it doesn't matter how much we may relate to another's experiences, it doesn't matter whether we find a thread in common, we are, ultimately, individuals. What do I mean by this? Everyone's lived experience is different. It has nuance, context and complexity that can simply not be reproduced. Similitudes can be found, of course, hence the creation of our communities, but every individual has a slightly version of this larger narrative.

There is a phenomenon I have seen many times, that has led to nasty accusations and self-blame, ironically stemming from a deep care and concern for the community. Hence the idea of "Out the frying pan, and into the fire." We group together to escape stereotypes, we form communities to prove to ourselves that it's okay to not comply with toxic societal norms that tells us the ways we're allowed and not allowed to be. And in the process? We ironically end up restricting ourselves in a wholly different way.

We have been slighted already, and so we become hyperaware of the actions of others, and of our own actions. We're striving to be better, and not hurt others in the same way we have been hurt...  So what happens when your way of being plays into the very Stereotypes your Community is trying to subvert? What happens when we see what could be considered a slight towards others that have experienced the same? We overcompensate.

This entire discussion stems, originally, from a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. She has come to struggle with morality a lot, because she tends to play into a lot of what could be considered toxic stereotypes. The concern stems, not from whether she actually enjoys these things or not, but whether embracing said stereotypes is hurtful to the community itself. The worry that, by being herself, and over-embracing her interests, she will be giving 'ammo' to bigots and people trying to hurt the community as 'justification' of their ideals, that she's giving others a 'reason' to shun the rest of the community.

Good thing bigots' opinions don't matter and shouldn't be listened to regardless.

Out of a Box, and into Another. This is an issue I have wanted to acknowledge for a long, long time. We escape societal rules and group together, as a community that defies the norm, that tries to normalize this divergence. But we also restrict ourselves, from our way of being, for how we're most comfortable with, in fear, in consideration, of what this very same society will think. And we shun others, from our same community, for not fitting the guidelines and rules one considers good and better.

We worry about hurting our own community, and we stop being Us, we fear being Us, because obviously they tell us we are all a bunch of X, so if I am X and I show I am X, I am proving their point! We worry about our community being hurt, we fear others being hurt, so we end up hurting those who differ from the norm of our own community.

From those who believe Trans people SHOULD experience dysphoria, or either they aren't part of the community, to the over-compensation of concern over the fetishization of a community, instead, veering into infantilization and a forced sense of purity in the process.

Because we care about the community, it's easy to fall into the very same train of thought that shunned us in the first place. We 'other' parts of our own community, we blame people who have gone through the same we have, because they came out the other end with a slightly different outlook. We fall prey to our own biases, directed as a sense of care and concern for our own people, and we are easily swayed by these biases disguised under a veil of of 'doing good', and 'improving' the community.

As always, I urge people to re-examine their beliefs, and their own way of being, with nuance and taking as much context as possible. The fact you cannot relate directly to the experiences of some people, doesn't make these experiences invalid. The fact you may play into conceived stereotypes, doesn't mean you should shut down your own desires in fear of being weaponized by people trying to do wrong for the community. The fact we left preconceived boxes for us behind doesn't mean we have to swing to another box. And the fact these boxes are bad when forced upon others, there is no shame in simply fitting in one comfortably, and embracing it, as your own choice.

I am an autistic, pansexual, polyamorous trans woman. Autistic people are often infantilized, trans women are often fetishized. I don't deal with bottom dysphoria- I do deal with other kinds, but I don't plan to pursue surgery. I am overall pretty happy with my body, currently, even if I am still pursuing some degree of change. I haven't been directly accused of this, but I have read people who believe trans women are men, and people who believe trans people are defined by suffering dysphoria and that they HAVE to have surgery. I know I fit some boxes some consider toxic or problematic as a stereotype at large for the community. I also know that I don't fit what some believe is the 'proper way' to be a trans woman or an autistic woman. But you know what?

I haven't been happier, personally, in my life, and I am not hurting anyone. I am simply being me. I found the way in which being 'me' is comfortable. And I know it's not that easy for others. I know many struggle with a lot more, inside and outside. But maybe precisely because it's tougher on others... Why make it tougher on ourselves?

It's not easy diverging from the norm, in any capacity. Even for those of us that happen to be in a good position, we're often aware of toxicity permeating the very fabric of society, and we're more aware of the bullshit those in a worse position than us have to go through. We're bound by a care for each other, by wanting to push back against the unfairness that has shunned us, by those who scoff at us, hurt us, because we differ from their view of the world. And this care should account for experiences we don't relate to. And this care should account for our own comfort and well-being in whatever ways we are comfortable, not just the ones seen as 'standard' and 'common'. This care should account for individual experiences, even if we ourselves can't relate to them, and not simply assume ill will or that someone doesn't belong.

We're all unique, different, and wonderful. And this uniqueness should be celebrated, not othered and pushed away. If you fit those boxes that seem like stereotypes, but are personally happy in them? Never let anyone tell you you're a walking stereotype or hurting the community. If you don't fit the common conception of how someone from your community has to be? Don't let yourself pushed out, or be shamed into changing something that isn't harming anyone. And to those who want to change for personal comfort, still striving to find their ideal way of being, I know you can do it, and push past whatever adversity there is, on your way to being your true Self.

Be you. Be kind. Listen to others, instead of lashing out at misconceptions or things you don't relate to. Learn from new experiences. Listen to yourself, and what it is you want. Keep your mind open, and have a sense of nuance regarding the things you like.

Don't be an asshole, to others, and to yourself.

And as per usual, see you another time! <3