2021 in review (Patreon)

This has been a turbulent year for me in many ways (I'm sure it has been for you most of you as well, because you know, the whole world is collapsing in front of our eyes and nobody is doing anything about it), but I've come out the other end in a place where I feel far more at ease with myself and what I make. I thought it would be worth reflecting on that a little, and letting you know where I stand.

I began 2021 in a kind of crisis. I had become more "successful" than I had ever been, I was working harder than I ever had, and I was still desperately unhappy. For my entire life I had told myself (much like I'm sure most people do under late capitalism) that if I were simply financially secure, if I were creatively fulfilled, if I were able to dedicate myself to something I cared about... if I had all that, I could be happy.

When finding success didn't immediately turn around my depression and transform me magically into a happier person, it sent me into a tailspin. I threw myself harder and harder into my work, and the harder I worked the more miserable I felt. I had everything I ever wanted, I was one of the lucky few in such an extremely privileged position, and I still felt like shit. The inescapable conclusion was that nothing could ever make me not feel like shit, no relief was ever coming.

What's more, I began to question the approach I had taken to political pedagogy. Seeing a new generation of sharper, more educated, more thoughtful creators made my realize that I wasn't really "needed" anymore. My skillset (explaining things in a digestible and concise way) had kind of outlived it's value, as I had explained the basics of my worldview and now found myself unequipped to tackle more complicated questions.

I began to see how I, and people like me, had unintentionally created an environment where a lot of authority was given to people who could speak eloquently, regardless of the substance of what they said. I saw the new-media landscape that I had helped build, that I had uncritically celebrated, weaponized to silence marginalized voices time and again... and eventually it dawned on me that this wasn't something I was watching from the outside; I was actively participating in building it. That I had been warned time and time again that the domination of "left-tube" by exclusively people who looked like me would lead to this result, but in my arrogance had failed to internalize that warning.

I saw the work ahead of me to make the type of thing I had been trying to make, but  to make it responsibly... and I was not up to the task. I simply didn't have it in me. I felt I was doing more harm than good.

That was the part of the year that was a huge bummer, congrats on making it through the bummer part of this post.

At about the midpoint of this year, I discovered that I had ADHD. I don't think I can convey to neurotypical readers the gravity of this discovery: Suddenly I had an explanation for everything I felt was "deficient" about me, that wasn't simply "You're a shitty guy."

The fact that I couldn't make observations as salient as a guy like John The Duncan or We're In Hell, or that I couldn't be as effortlessly charming and funny as someone like Big Joel, or that I couldn't see the subtext in difficult works of art like Hbomberguy or Sophie from Mars, wasn't simply because I was "dumb" or "intellectually incurious." All along it was because my particular brain chased dopamine in different places than theirs did.

It was a seismic shift in my self perception. To be suddenly aware of why my brain operates the way it does after a lifetime of being told that it should be operating a different way. To learn that there wasn't actually something wrong with me, but that I was trying to work and behave like a neurotypical person would, and of course I can't do that.

So what if instead of trying to emulate other people, and failing to make their content as well as they could... what if I leaned into doing what I can do well? What if I followed the way my brain wandered instead of trying to wrangle it back into position? What if that wasn't a deficiency, but instead a different set of strengths than my peers? In other words: What if I just let myself do whatever the fuck I wanted to do?

In my opinion, this choice has led to some of my best work. Even the videos that I am not particularly passionate about have benefited from this approach. I feel as though I have become more "myself" in the later part of this year, and put more of my personality into the things I am making. They look better, they're more fun, and they're funnier. Consistently.

Furthermore it has allowed me to be more vulnerable and honest with all of you. To wear my foibles on my sleeve, and remind you that I am not someone who's opinions you should take as gospel. It has taught me humility, which I hope will be the antidote to the toxicity I described earlier, but if not... at least I stop contributing to that toxicity.

I won't lie to you, there has been a bit of a compromise here; Growth on my channel has kind of cratered since adopting this approach. That's understandable, I think. People came to me to see one kind of thing and I'm not really interested in making that kind of thing anymore. Nobody owes me anything, and if what I am making no longer serves you, I'm not mad about that. You have little time on this Earth and you don't owe a second of it to me, go do whatever you find meaningful!

But I'm optimistic. I think I've only begun to see what I am capable of. When I started making videos I was desperately poor, doodling and editing on a second hand tablet that was falling apart.  Over time I have taught myself dozens of skills, and honed my craft to a point that would have been inconceivable to me just a few years ago. I have bought, and learned to operate, fancy equipment and software.  I hope to continue learning and improving over time, to make things I am a little more proud of each and every week.

I got lucky to be here, no if ands or buts about it. I'm eatin' well because folks like you here on Patreon are paying me out of the kindness of your hearts, and there is nothing I can say to convey the depth of my gratitude for the privilege of your trust. I'm here because of you. Plenty of people who deserve to be here more than me are struggling. This is not a meritocracy. 

I got lucky, but I didn't JUST get lucky. I put in a lot of elbow grease, and a lot of passion. I found my distinct voice through trial and error. It's not an accident, or mistake, or trick that people like the things that I make. I just made cool things, and people like them. I learned to do that from nothing, simply because I felt called to.

Along the way I gave away every bit of institutional knowledge I had. I was completely transparent about my entire process, and tried to lift as many people up with me as I could. I still do. I have stumbled many times and done things I am not proud of, but I have always tried to be receptive to feedback and to learn from my mistakes. I did it my way.

And if I did all that, I have to trust myself.  I don't have to be a worse version of Shaun or Three Arrows or Zoe Baker or Philosophy Tube or whatever standard I was holding myself to before, I have to be the best version of Thought Slime. I have to be the most Thought Slime I can be.

So I'm leaving behind my self-flagellation in 2021.  I never had bad self-esteem, it turns out. That guy I hated? That was never me.