Hello everyone. (Patreon)

You'd think that I'd take the time to at least 'make a statement', but let's also not kid ourselves. This is no real organisation, no real actual corporate pressure behind all the stuff made here. It's all just one me, and I may as well tell what's been on my mind lately.

You've seen my status update sent across three of my channels, my Discord Status, my dA status, and a post here. And yeah, without much context, it's pretty distressing. So here it is.

I'm not doing that well at all. I've had two days in a row, yesterday being the second, of emotional breakdowns, so far taking a similar form - that of a release of highly compressed stress, an explosion of bottled up emotions, at the exact same time each night, oftentimes when, time-zones considering, very little or none of my contacts are actually available.

AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time). Well beyond most of your reach.

Unfortunately, this has been an ongoing trend, going back as far as December last year.

And it all stems from a rapidly disintegrating sense of self-worth, that which was already low, in light of my failings to make a living lately. You've seen the very frequent Emergency Commissions, and I'm afraid they are still necessary, as I struggle to make rent every single week, combined with helping family with a... hefty debt. And with said family's plane trip happening at the end of October, that leaves me to shoulder all financial responsibilities for four weeks.

Now, that may not sound too tough, however, I've had troubles myself even making rent for three weeks in a row, because of my lacking performance and having to catch up with this debt. I've only just made it with help, but even then, I am mere days to be at risk of termination, i.e getting kicked out of the house.

If I can't do that here, what use am I later on come end-October? I was told that many of these things will be taken care of by that time, but things look fairly grim at this time. I can't even get groceries on my own, such is the matter of my desperation. It's risking affecting my own work, even though I have a hard time thinking you'll even believe. (But that's another matter entirely.)

Compounding to this sense of worthlessness is the relative comfort of my own job; While family is often away at work each weekday, I am able to work at home, on my own time, indeed away from the bustling, dizzying and exhausting social noise that I detest - yet my time at home is saddled with frequent panic attacks, nervous breakdowns and bouts of dizziness and tiredness, all from working overnight to try to make up for these things. I have lost my drive, to consider all of my efforts, all of the things that I will earn for my efforts, will be gone in seconds. It's a miracle I've even managed to actually post things lately.

It's gotten to the point where breakdowns again risk to build into... darker ideations. Not the first time, I'm afraid, for those who know me for a longer time.

So... that is where I am right now. You'd ask me, why didn't I tell you about this? I haven't really opened up to the fact that I am a person to you, rather than a luxury at your pleasure.

To allay some worries, I have been trying to talk with very few of my close contacts, at least those I was able to reach in the very inconvenient time in the past few days. Panic attacks have no sense of respect for anyone's time.

With that in mind, the most I can tell is to, well, increase my commission pricing - yes, I know, again, (as I did in April earlier this year). I've been told I am seriously underselling myself. Overworking for little in return. Again, all stemming from my very very low self-worth. I still see myself as worthless, not as person who makes things for enjoyment or even expression, just a luxury. 

Barring delays in plans, the changes will take place in October. 

As before, if anyone is already in a commission agreement with me, the pricing there is unaffected. Grandfathered, I believe the term was?

That's probably all from me for now. And I apologise greatly, for my troubling behaviour, and my self-neglect all the way up to now. No real promises here to make, as they seem like empty words now. But I am doing something, having made this. 

I guess it's a start.

~MFS