RE: Trailer Trash 56 pt 5 (Patreon)

Just like yesterday when her pre-prepared rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated line was on the forefront of her thoughts and the tip of her tongue as her fourteen year old brain itched to deliver a clever line at just the right moment and seem cool, this morning the damnit, Bobby quote was front and center. Making a funny reference and—hopefully—earning a laugh out of her peers would be super worth it, and for long giddy moments Tabitha fantasized about saying it as just the perfect time and impressing everyone.

Which is, YEAH, that’s just super cringe, Tabitha felt her cheeks grow hot with unwelcome self-awareness. That’s, uh. That’s right up there with being one of the most FOURTEEN YEAR OLD weird… random sorta compulsions that just sort of latches on and won’t let go.

She was pretty sure the King of the Hill cartoon was already airing by the time of 1999, because for whatever reason she mentally lumped it in with The Simpsons. However, she had been wrong before about things like this, and it was just an extremely strange area to have room for doubts. Tabitha suspected that Futurama and Family Guy weren’t airing yet, and she knew American Dad was a ways off after them. Part of being popular—or at least, social—was keeping a finger on the pulse of popular culture. Knowing current events and being able to remark upon them, being involved with what was going on with their lives right now.

Which SHOULD be a huge advantage for me, Tabitha wanted to hang her head and cry. But, it just ISN’T. Not in NORMAL ways. Like sure, I remember MEMES, and I have a sort of secondhand gist of things from my last life, but the overwhelming majority of that stuff isn’t neatly packaged into banter or one-liners I could use with, say, Gary. Bobby. Alicia and Elena. Just… hyper-specific and extremely rare situations, like having GOFFIC banter I can use with Ziggy. Even THAT isn’t completely on brand, because she actually skews more PUNK than GOTH, and to be honest I don’t remember much punk stuff, period.

“Damnit, Bobby,” Tabitha muttered again under her breath. No, wait! I threw some pretty good lines at Bobby yesterday that just sort of came to me when he was doing his REDNECK thing. Since I’d seen Westworld.

The problem with witty lines was that they either came to her when she needed them, or they didn’t. Outside of a handful she was able to mentally flag and practice and keep at the forefront of her mind, it felt like she was often groping in the darkness for something clever to say. She needed something clever to say, because without that it felt like she had nothing to bring to the table socially.

Whew boy, okay—calm down, Tabitha told herself. This is just DAY TWO of trying to be popular at high school. It’s already not as tense as yesterday! I feel like I’ve passed some of the major hurdles and I don’t know why I’m still this anxious about EVERYTHING all the time. No, that’s not true. I know why, just—just I want the anxious to just uh, to just FADE AWAY and for this to be natural and easy like it seems to be for everyone else.

She was on a first-name basis with Gary and Jacob, who were ostensibly the loud cool kids on her bus. Before classes and at lunch she had close friends to hang out with in Alicia and Elena. Most of her actual class periods didn’t offer much leeway for actual socialization with peers, but for the two that did, she maybe had a new friend with Vanessa. Vanessa was outgoing, which maybe made her a popular girl?

The correlation between ‘outgoing’ and ‘popular’ in Tabitha’s mind was less murky than it had been throughout her first semester here, and the key to it all seemed to be ‘consensus.’ Maybe Vanessa was outgoing but not popular—which probably would mean there was beef with some of the unquestionably popular cliques of girls, and their word was that Vanessa was lame. Or, perhaps having enemies—rivals?—was what would prove Vanessa was technically popular, because it would mean everyone knew who she was and that she was a topical subject.

Ooph, which would make me—what, exactly? Tabitha’s head felt like it was spinning trying to wrap her mind around high school politics.

Tabitha realized she was well known throughout Springton High already, just rather than conventional popularity… it was more as though her name had become sewer sluice for the vulgarities of the teenage rumor mill. Everyone knew there was an extremely antagonistic relationship there between Tabitha and Erica Taylor, but no one seemed clear on the details of why and were perfectly happy to invent all sorts of outlandish reasons on their own.

Her current image had invited plenty of problems as well, because her dramatic weight loss and beauty makeover for the start of high school had immediately put her on everyone’s radar, despite Tabitha not having quite learned how to fly yet—socially speaking. Tabitha decided that she had tried to run before learning how to walk, and the benefit of hindsight made it more clear on how and why and where she had stumbled and fallen.

But, I’m making amends! Tabitha thought, displacing her weariness and embarrassment with determination. I’m putting in the work, this time. I’m going to be one of the cool kids, I’m going to have a fun and fulfilling high school life that leaves me with no regrets.

“Damn, you alright?” Gary called over.

“Huh?” Tabitha blinked in surprise.

“You looked all—I dunno,” Gary chuckled. “Pissed off, or something?”

“Oh, no,” Tabitha blushed furiously. “Just trying to—you know. Psych myself up, for today.”

“Psych yourself up?” Gary’s eyebrows went up as he rolled his ever-present basketball back and forth between his palms.

“For what?” Jacob asked, calling over from one of the other seats.

“Just, you know,” Tabitha floundered. “School? Coming back to school, it’s hard. I’ve, uh, ‘til yesterday I was just like, staying at home all day and chilling? Not waking up early. Not having to deal with people. I was out of school for a couple months.”

Her sputtered explanation felt like it was full of holes—it was fabricated on the spot and felt like it was as much lie as it was truth. She wanted an excuse that was relatable, but then she was also terrified to convey the reality of her actual social anxiety, and couching it all in something more blasé like ‘having to deal with people’ seemed like the best way to present it. To her immense relief, Jacob and Gary didn’t seem to really care.

“Damn, a couple months?” Jacob scoffed. “I’m jealous.”

“You didn’t hear ‘bout all that?” Gary smirked and gave his friend a side-eyed look while still facing Tabitha. “She got jumped by Erica, at some party. Erica Taylor.”

“Jumped?” Jacob repeated, looking towards Tabitha with new interest.

“She um,” Tabitha’s head swam with different phrasings and explanations for a moment as she struggled to decide what to clarify. “She thought that we could maybe resolve our differences using violence? Hah ha. Smashed my skull in with a bat, I uh, I had to have surgery because my. My uh. I had a bleed in my brain that wouldn’t stop.”

That revelation turned a large batch of heads in her direction, and it suddenly went from being a small chat between a few people to a third of the bus staring at her. There was a bolt of fear at suddenly feeling like she was in the center of attention, but then also she felt a little baffled. Hadn’t they already more or less gone over this yesterday? Tabitha felt like she had brought up the ordeal and they had chuckled about it, but right here in the moment she couldn’t recall quite what was said back then.

“No shit?” Jacob leaned forward. “Like, for real?”

“Uhh, yeah,” Tabitha gave everyone a shy smile. “They had to operate and everything. Endoscopic ventriculostomy. See?”

Despite carefully arranging her hair this morning to conceal the fuzzy section that had been shaved for surgery, Tabitha now tilted her head and carefully drew her hair back to expose it to them. The stitches themselves she couldn’t quite see properly herself in a mirror because of their position, but from gingerly probing the area with her fingertips she knew the cratered awkward crease of them putting her head back together after opening her up was there.

“Whoaaa, damn,” Gary mouthed in surprise, shucking himself forward on the bus bench so that he could see better.

“That looks gnarly,” Jacob remarked, leaning almost the whole way over one of the benchbacks to get a closer look.

“Gee, thanks,” Tabitha gave them an awkward smile, brushing her hair back into place over it.

Almost everyone on the bus was staring in her direction, now.

“But, uh—yeah,” Tabitha pretended not to notice everyone’s attention. “Actually withdrew from school just when Chris Thompson uh, he fractured my wrist, and I was gonna come back to finish the semester maybe, but… yeah. Hospitalized again! You know how it is.”

“Naw, hell naw—that ain’t even right,” Gary scowled, shaking his head.

“For real,” Jacob agreed, looking Tabitha up and down again and seeming to reevaluate her. “S’like everyone was out to just fuck you up.”

“Yeah, like—what’s the deal?” Another guy spoke up. It seemed to be the same teen from Tabitha’s bus stop who had introduced himself to her today, but to her vexation Tabitha was still blanking on his name.

“What’s the story with all that?”

“With Chris, I don’t know,” Tabitha gave them an expressive shrug of her shoulders. “I’d, ah, I’d never even met him before. They brought him over to uh, to apologize to me the very next day, and that was the first time I even met him.”

“For real?” Jacob asked.

“Then what about with Erica?” Someone from the seats behind her asked.

Tabitha turned in place to see who, but she couldn’t tell—it was a sea of unfamiliar faces, teenage boys and girls alike, everyone back there was now watching intently for her answer.

“That’s… a long story,” Tabitha put on a small smile for them. “I used to be friends with her little sister, way back before—like, partway through middle school. But, then—well, it’s a long story, and uh, we’re almost there?”

Anyone glancing out the windows could see they were pulling in for the last turn towards Springton High and on final approach. Tabitha herself felt completely torn. It was important, no—vital that she be the one to start personally clarifying what had happened and dispel the mess of rumor and hearsay. But, at the same time, it didn’t feel completely right to simply air out all of the Taylor family’s dirty laundry and shunt all of that negative attention Ashlee’s way.

But, I also can’t just NOT explain, Tabitha was mindful enough to hide the grimace that wanted to emerge from everyone’s stares. I… yeah, I need to talk with Ashlee about all of this. Today.

/// Sorry for the week of no posts, needed to take a break from writing for a bit and come back to this with fresh eyes. Good to go now! I think one more section to go for Chap 56 and then it'll be ready. After that will be returning to work on my other fic for a few sections.