Renfaire Fantasy 2: Tionetta Trip (Patreon)

Mile after mile disappeared beneath the relentless march of their tires as electric guitars wailed and Kelly all but shouted along to the lyrics. One hand on the wheel and the other nursing a coffee thermos, Kelly seemed to be in her element simply rocking out, and it was a blast seeing her in her most natural state. Post-hardcore gave way to metalcore as interstate signs sped past their windows, and when Kelly switched the playlist to classic metal, Emily was able to sing along with her.

After surrendering up her phone for its GPS—and to play their music—Stephanie was content to snuggle up against Brian in the back seat with a shy smile. Brian sat back and was simply enjoying everyone’s company; the metal blasting out and the intensifying rhythms helped keep him from falling into a funk while worrying about what they were about to face. Rather than quiet tension as the car traversed the road it felt more like they were getting themselves pumped up for a big challenge—one that they would win, no matter what.

“Ohhh—she’s half virgin and half succubus~!”

“Heaven in her eyes and blood on her lii~iips!”

“End of the night and judgment arrives~!”

“Ohh she eats up your heart and tastes all your crii~iimes~!”

Kelly was just loud enough to overpower the singer in the recordings, and her voice was good. She possessed a deeper tone than Emily and Stephanie, nearing a contralto, but still managed to display a ton of range whenever she sung up higher onto the vocal register. Her sound when she went low was simply rich and full of body in a way few others would be able to hit, and Kelly was able to impart a certain special huskiness to the lyrics that made each sound coming out of her become pure sex.

Damn, Kelly, Brian shared a knowing smile with Stephanie. Practically getting a hard on just back here listening to you.

Emily, on the other hand, had enthusiasm. That was it. When she joined in she thrashed along, belting out the lines in an untrained way—but, that was cool, too. Together with Kelly she lent even more energy to the overall experience, kept the interior of the car from seeming like all of them were stunned silent by Kelly’s performance. It was fun, and Brian resolved to learn some of these songs so that he could join in next time. He’d done karaoke with Mike and Will and the rest of the gang a few times way back in the day, but back then they’d mostly played through oldies and meme music.

“Soo—take all my lovin’ and take all my soul~!”

“Consume every sinner drawn into your hole~!”

At that Emily devolved into snorting, fitful laughter, slapping at the dashboard and repeating into your hole, as if only now realizing they’d been singing about a young maiden fucking wicked men to death. Kelly displayed a lurid smile but continued to sing along, but this time the song cut out as the automated voice of the GPS cut in.

“Turn right on exit ramp two fifteen in one quarter mile.”

“Think that’s our Tionetta turn off,” Brian leaned forward and yelled as their music resumed. “Do we need to make a pit stop?”

“Yeah!” Kelly answered, tapping the volume on the phone down. “I’ve gotta piss.”

“Then, I’ve got to piddle,” Emily called. “I don’t piss, ‘cause I’m a lady. Geez, Kelly, have some class.”

“Then, I have to… tinkle?” Stephanie let out a nervous laugh. “A little bit?”

“Sounds about right,” Kelly nodded. “Yeah, I don’t see Steph as a piddler or a pisser.”

“You guys are so crass,” Brian shook his head. “Me? I just need to powder my nose and freshen up a bit.”

“Brian’s gotta drain the sea monster,” Emily said in a solemn voice.

“Emily!” Stephanie sputtered.

“We might need more coffee, too,” Kelly said. “For tomorrow, if we’re camping out there tonight.”

“Oooh, yeah,” Emily agreed. “Grab some last minute snacks, too.”

“Kell and I bought snacks already yesterday,” Brian reminded her. “When we were picking up stuff for lasagna.”

“Well, yeah, but we should pick up more, just in case,” Emily argued. “Like, what if this whole thing turns out super depresso, and we need comfort food?”

“That’s what Stephanie’s for,” Brian said. “‘Cause she’s such a snacc.”

“Brian!” Stephanie pretended to sound outraged.

“Mm-hmm,” Kelly smacked her lips. “My kinda comfort food, just have Steph spread those gorgeous thighs.”

“Kelly!” Stephanie giggled. “You all… behave.”

“There’s the jar, too…” Emily sounded thoughtful. “S’not like we wanna waste all of the good stuff on Chloe.”

“Still not sure that’s exactly ethical to—” Brian started to say.

“Yeah, well neither is her threatening to sic the Masters on us,” Emily retorted. “We are not bringing her back with us or letting her loose until we’ve done something to improve the quality of her character. Okay? That’s like, my bottom line if we’re not killing her. Some kind of magic guarantee. We’re still not killing her?”

“Emily…” Brian let out a long sigh, and Stephanie gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “We’re not killing her.”

Tionetta turned out to be more of an oversized truck stop than an actual town, with a small series of dilapidated two-story homes from the nineteen-fifties clustered in with mobile homes and campers around a tiny main strip. The short street consisted of only a large twelve-pump gas station, a dive bar, and a McBurger restaurant with a drive-thru. Despite the somewhat seedy appearance however, the town had rustic charm in spades, because it was situated near the top of a mountainous river valley. The overlooking view showed forested hills for dozens of miles and was incredibly scenic—despite the long drive, Brian thought the trip was already worth it just from this.

“Bear Creek River,” Emily narrated from the sign affixed to the bridge as they passed. “I guess too big to be a creek, too little to be considered a legit river? That’s tough, buddy. Definitely fulla bears, though.”

“I think there really are bears out here,” Brian chuckled. “So—we keep all the food in the car, alright? And if you see a bear come up, uhh, stop, drop, and roll, I think?”

“I thought you were supposed to open your jacket and raise your arms?” Stephanie laughed. “To make yourself look bigger and more threatening?”

“Oh, that too.”

“Not for a bear, right? Wouldn’t that just piss it off more?” Kelly asked.

“Wait, like, there’s for real bears?” Emily’s eyes lit up. “They let them just wander around the woods, here? Or are they all like, GPS tagged or something?”

“They’re bears, Em,” Brian said. “They go wherever they want, doin’ bear things. I don’t think Tionetta county game commission makes them ask for hall passes or permission.”

“City girls,” Kelly snorted, drumming her slender fingertips across the steering wheel. “Pfft.”

“Oh, like you can talk,” Emily retorted. “I’ve been camping with Rebecca, at least. Just, we were out with her LARP groups just outside of town, back by Seneca. Not like—all the way out here. Imagine living all the way out here in the sticks. What’s there to do out here? Is there internet? Where do they even get groceries?!”

“There’s a McBurger here, they all eat there,” Kelly joked, casting a sour look at the fast food place as they drove by it.

“It’s all like hunting lodges and cabins and stuff, they probably all have venison,” Brian said. “But like, they’re here seasonally. I doubt all that many people actually live here all year round.”

“I like it here!” Stephanie decided, still admiring the expanse of treetops stretching on and on in the distance of the valley. “I would live out here. It’s beautiful!”

“Do you like venison, Steph?” Brian asked. “Deer meat?”

“Or McBurger?” Kelly teased. “Not rich on options out here.”

“Steph’s a country gal at heart, huh?” Emily said. “Wants to be out here in the boonies, with just Brian and a banjo. Livin’ off tha land.”

“They have actual food out here, you guys—Rebecca said there was a store!” Stephanie gave them a cute huff, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Let me see my phone.”

Stephanie then clambered up from her position in the back to squeeze between the front seats and retrieve her phone from where they’d kept it on the dashboard. Despite the jeans she was wearing—or maybe because of them—Stephanie’s butt looked good when she bent over like that. For a long moment Brian was too distracted appreciating all of the natural splendor to follow the back and forth banter going on.

“There’s literally just a gas station and a bar,” Emily observed with a laugh. “Annnd the bar looks gross. ‘Rudy’s? Geez man, what a hick name for a bar. Just ‘Rudy’s,’ not even like—‘Rudy’s Bar and Grille,’ or ‘Rudy’s Taphouse?’ I thought taverns and pubs way out in the middle of nowhere were supposed to have like, clever names. The Salty Steed, or Barrels and Brews, or The Flinty Flagon.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a rest stop for logging companies, not a dice-and-dungeons village,” Brian said. “If Rudy wants to name his bar ‘Rudy’s’, then damn—who’s to tell him otherwise? You?”

“Lame,” Emily huffed. “Lame. Rudy… you can do better.”

“Shoulda been Chester’s Possum Park or somethin’,” Kelly smirked. “Or, like—Roadkill Cafe. ‘You kill it, we grill it!’”

“Hells yeah!” Emily jeered.

“Guys!” Stephanie giggled as she settled back in beside Brian. “I’m sure it’s… a very nice bar.”

“Probably full of lot lizards,” Emily confided in a low voice. “Like, truckstop hookers! Drivin’ them big rigs all the way out here is lonely work, don’tcha know?”

“Damn, we’d better stop by then on the way back through,” Brian said, leaning forward just far enough to smack Emily on the shoulder. “Find you a job.”

“Hurr hurr, more like find you a job, wise guy,” Emily shot back. “You’d be a great lot lizard, they’d just looove you. They’d be all—‘this boy’s got a pretty mouth.’”

“He does!” Stephanie agreed with a teasing smile.

“Hey now, I’m forklift certified,” Brian shook his head. “No way could they afford my rates.”

“Yeah I dunno, Tionetta’s pretty tiny,” Kelly said. “They probably only have just the one truckstop hooker here. Large Marge, I imagine. Here to service all comers.”

“Can we check it out?” Emily grinned. “Stop by on the way back, I mean? Like, for real. I wanna check it out.”

“Ask for Large Marge,” Kelly suggested. “Ask for her daily specials. Heard she serves up a real mean clam chowder—”

“Kelly!” Stephanie laughed. “Ew!”

“Their open sign’s on now, Emmie,” Brian pointed. “Go take a peek while we stop for gas.”

“By myself?! No way,” Emily gave him an incredulous look. “Come in with me!”

“I can’t, I’ve gotta stick with Stephanie,” Brian explained. “If I go in with you, who’s gonna keep Steph outta trouble? Kelly?”

“Whew, yeah,” Kelly nodded as she pulled in to park beside one of the gas station pumps. “Steph’s a lot for me to handle, don’t think I can keep an eye on her just on my own.”

“Bull—shit!” Stephanie sang out sweetly, regarding each of them with a beaming smile. “Bullshit.”

“Stephanie!” Kelly was aghast. “Language!”

“Who’s teaching her all of this foul language?!” Brian moaned. “Who is it?! Emily?”

“Not me!” Emily protested. “I’ve been super careful with what I say! It must’ve been one of you!”

“Bullshit!” Stephanie insisted again in her cutest voice.

The shop attached to the gas station was a general store rather than just a convenience store, with several aisles for groceries. The far wall even had a lineup of tourist trap junk—raccoon-skin hats, fur shawls, native american medicine pouches with feathers and leather fringes, painted animal skulls, and carved wooden trinkets on necklaces. Kelly made a beeline for the ladies room, and before he could stop her, Emily was pushing past him to go see all of the tourist stuff, stars in her eyes.

“Whoaaa Brian babe, I could get a Dan’l Boone hat!” Emily exclaimed, grabbing one off of the rack and examining it. “Look, look—it has the little raccoon tail and everything! Are these real fur?!”

“Does it… smell?” Stephanie regarded the display of animal furs with wide eyes.

“Nah Emily, I’m sure they throw all the local furs out, and source these ones from a sweatshop in China,” Brian laughed. “How much are they? I’ll buy you one.”

“Really?! They’re—oh,” Emily deflated as she saw the tag. “Pssh, thirty five bucks? Geez oh man. No way. Could almost just buy my own raccoon for that!”

“I’ve got thirty bucks,” Brian shrugged. “Try one on.”

“Too expensive,” Emily shook her head. “Rebecca probably has a whole pile of raccoon pelts and stuff she can turn into hats. Have you seen all her LARP stuff?”

“Just what she wore there to AnimeCon,” Brian said. “There’s that big renaissance fair thing coming up though, isn’t there?”

“Yeah,” Emily said, putting back the first hat and grabbing another one to check out. “I’m gonna get all kitted out and go with her this year. Last year I was just in one of her old loaner tunics that was super huge.”

“Do you know what date the ren faire is?” Stephanie asked. “I’d love to go with you guys.”

“Uhhh,” Emily paused. “It’s some weekend coming up soon. Rebecca’ll know for sure. Wait—you can sew, right?”

“I can sew!” Stephanie nodded. “I have my own sewing machine.”

“You’ve gotta talk to Rebecca then, for sure,” Emily insisted. “She makes all of her own tunics and cloaks and patterns and stuff. We should all go! Make it a big group thing.”

“Is it a full-on ren faire, or like a LARP?” Brian asked.

“Both!” Emily said. “It’s a super huge thing over by the campgrounds, all the local LARP peoples go, too. We tried to get you to go last time, but Chloe was being all fussy about that weekend, because of course she was. Mike and Will and Tanya and I all went. Rebecca’s there every year.”

“I’m down, yeah,” Brian nodded along. “Be cool to do something with everyone, it’s been a while. Emily, were you serious about getting snacks now?”

“Super serious!” Emily hurried to put the other hat back. “We’re gonna be way out in the woods tonight—we’ve gotta do campfire stuff. Cook hot dogs on sticks. Marshmallows! Have smores. C’mon, man.”

“You think any of us’ll be in the mood for any of that while we’re figuring out the whole Chloe situation?” Brian asked with a frown.

“Chloe can eat a bag of dicks,” Emily huffed. “Listen. First step to remembering she’s not your fucking girlfriend anymore is to stop centering all your plans around her. We’re driving out here to chill with Rebecca and have a good time. Chloe’s just this shitty errand we’ll get taken care of along the way, alright?”

“A sidequest,” Stephanie said with a small smile. “But, not the main quest?”

“Exactly!” Emily lit up, giving Stephanie a quick hug. “Steph gets it. The best revenge we can get on Chloe is to show her we’re just here to have a good time. Not wait up on all of her stupid bullshit. Not everything needs to be about her.”

“You do need to stop stressing out about her so much,” Kelly agreed, arriving down the aisle from the restrooms. “We’re not responsible for her. We’re not gonna off her, we shouldn’t have to charm her, either. Her spouting BS about going to the Masters—it’s a bluff, there’s pretty much zero chance she would actually work with them. Not after meeting them, no way. She’s pissed and she’s posturing, and I think that’s all there is to it.”

“I… well, I hope so,” Brian said. “Still no sends or anything?”

“Nothing in the past couple weeks,” Kelly shook her head. “And, before that it was all minor stuff. Checking in, testing out lottery numbers for accuracy.”

“Which means—everything’s gonna be fine, right?” Emily said. “If the future Kellys don’t have any, uh, tips or tricks they want to send back it means the future is all fine?”

“Yep,” Kelly said, browsing her way through the shawls. “Either everything’s okay and there’s nothing to report, or the futures are so fucked that no one’s able to send back.”

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