RE: Trailer Trash 49 pt 1 (Patreon)

   Tabitha carried the bucket into the Macintire house without more than a cursory glance at the other gifts resting inside. Mrs. Macintire hadn’t seen fit to comment on the bucket, and Tabitha didn’t want to go through and examine the presents her parents had chosen until she was in a better state of mind.

   I’m not going to appreciate them at all if I look through them right now, Tabitha decided, setting it down beside the stack of other presents next to her bed in the guest room. I’m irritated and angry and just—not in the right frame of mind.

   With a heavy sigh befitting the fourteen year old she now was, Tabitha clutched at the Gameboy Color she’d bought herself and flicked it on, curling up on the bedside. She’d made discreet progress with her game file using the hour before bedtime in the past week, having decided she needed an incredibly powerful team of Pokemon to impress her cousins when they got each of their games started. She suspected it was almost a guarantee that the boys would play every chance they got—if she didn’t get a substantial lead on them now, she would never enjoy one at all.

   It’s also just frustrating—I have what I remember and I know I can build an okayish team, Tabitha quirked her lip as she reviewed her Pokemon again. But, I’m also so used to having Bulbapedia or just being able to Google a quick EV training guide. I did NOT remember that generation one apparently had no separation between Special Attack and Special Defense; here it’s just one stat, called ‘Special.’ That’s so weird!

   The team she was fielding consisted of Tauros, Chansey, Starmie, Jolteon, Lapras, and Alakazam. She felt confident that they were all considered competitive, but also recognized that they probably weren’t the perfect ones to go with for an unbeatable roster. It was galling, but several of the Pokemon she knew could be better picks she simply didn’t care for. Jinx looked like a racial caricature and Cloyster seemed to invite vulgar jokes—Tabitha had to be mindful she would be playing against teenagers and pre-teen boys. Victreebel and Eggxecutor… okay, so she didn’t like the way they looked.

   Sometimes it really was that simple.

   Pokemon was by no means a difficult game, and it seemed like so far the only speedbumps she had encountered along the way was in deciding what nicknames to give her monsters. Her Tauros was named Haggard, an oblique reference to The Last Unicorn since when she thought of bulls, it was always first on her mind. Tabitha had spent twenty minutes waffling back and forth with indecision over what to call her Chansey—she’d planned on Baymax, but after time spent staring at the little pixel sprite she decided to go with Elaine, instead.

   It had to be either Elaine or Selkie instead, but in the end I think Elaine fits best, Tabitha mused.

   “Knock knock?” Mrs. Macintire asked, gently rapping her knuckles against Tabitha’s open door. “Talk to you for a second, kiddo?”

   “Of course,” Tabitha sat up and tried to make herself more presentable.

   “Do you—” Mrs. Macintire paused, screwing up her face as if phrasing this into words was incredibly difficult. “Do you have a friend named Julia?”

   In any other time and place the question would have hit Tabitha like a freight train and absolutely staggered her, because there was no conceivable way she could imagine this woman could even possibly pick up this name out of Tabitha’s past future life. Thankfully right now Tabitha felt numbed over, and the parts that would have reacted on reflex simply felt dead and cold.

   “I did, yes,” Tabitha answered in a calm voice. Either coincidence, or—or I talk in my sleep, or Alicia and Elena let a bunch of my tale slip. Would they really do that? Was I acting weird or crazy? Did they think I needed institutional help, or something? Why would Mrs. Macintire lead into this with a question about JULIE, of all things?

   “Can you—” Mrs. Macintire hesitated again. “Do you need to talk about her? Is there anything you felt like you needed to say about her? I, hon I just want you to know that no matter what, I have your back, right? You can tell me anything.”

   “She took her own life,” Tabitha said with a numb shrug. “It was, for me it was a long time ago. Suicide is… well because of what happened, that will always be a sensitive topic for me, but I think I’ve come to terms with the loss over the years, and accepted it.”

   “She… took her own life,” Mrs. Macintire repeated with a frown, her brows furrowing. “I see. I’m sorry.”

   “Not your fault,” Tabitha shrugged again. “It’s okay.”

   “I… may I sit?” Mrs. Macintire stepped into the room.

   “Please,” Tabitha smoothed out the blanket on the bed next to her to offer the mother a space.

   “Okay, so…” Sandra sat down heavily. “Elena heard what you’d said about her, and somehow she… thought that you might have been using ‘Julia’ as a metaphor to relay your own experiences with… abuse.”

   “Oh,” Tabitha managed to say.

   Her mind was reeling at all of those implications, and despite her deadened feelings a whirling wheel of different emotions hit her one after another. There was a certain sense of betrayal at being told Elena had spoken about things revealed in confidence, and then at realizing the reason for misunderstanding Tabitha felt a surge of warmth that her friend had made sure to tell someone.

   Elena… I want to hit you, and then I want to hug you, Tabitha thought with a wry smile. You did what I SHOULD have done all those years and years ago with Ashlee. Breached the unspoken social contract of a secret between friends and taken a serious problem to someone with the authority to DO something about it. Yeah, it’s annoying that Elena was wrong about it, but still she basically did the right thing. I’m pissed at her and I’m proud of her all at the same time.

   “Tabitha?” Mrs. Macintire asked with a look of concern.

   “Sorry, that was—that was something to process,” Tabitha gave her a soft smile. “I can see now how she would have thought that. But, no, I. I’m not Julie, I wasn’t speaking in code or anything like that. While my father has many faults—you saw them laid bare tonight—he has not and would not ever molest me. He’s never looked at me sexually, and may not even be capable of seeing me that way. He’s very… simple.”

   “Okay,” Mrs. Macintire held her gaze for a long beat. “I believe you. If he was, though—one hundred percent no judgment or shame or anything, I just beg you please come out and tell me, so that we can make sure nothing like that ever happens again. But, nothing like that?”

   “Nothing like that,” Tabitha shook her head with a smile, then leaned in to give her a hug. “I promise. But—thank you. For a second there I was mad at Elena for saying anything, but just the fact that you all wanted to check and make sure, that means a lot. Thank you. I’ll clear things up with Elena.”

   “Alright, thank God,” Mrs. Macintire patted her across the back as she held her. “I—I think I really didn’t think anything had happened, but I feel so much better really knowing for sure.”

   “Yeah,” Tabitha nodded into Mrs. Macintire’s shoulder. “He’s, my dad’s an idiot. Not a… not abusive. Not that.”

   “He is an idiot,” Sandra let out a bitter laugh. “Do you… do you want to talk about this Julia girl?”

   Tabitha did want to talk about her, but to her frustration and relief she didn’t know how to do so. Somehow or other, Elena seemed to have not exposed the time-travel context, so of course Tabitha was reluctant to delve into all of that and inextricably complicate everything here. She simply sat there in Mrs. Macintire’s patient embrace, considering things and gathering her thoughts for a long few minutes.

   “Julie was bright and full of life,” Tabitha finally said. “And I didn’t realize how much she meant to me until that brightness was just suddenly gone. I knew what she was going through, but I didn’t know it, I didn’t understand it, really, until it was too late. What that sort of pain did to her, how she struggled to live with it, until she decided to not struggle any more. For a long time I hated her for that, because—because how dare she just give up?!

   “Then, after that rage subsided, the hate burned inward. Because, blaming her was unfair and selfish of me—she was the victim of terrible circumstances. I told myself I was going to be vigilant, I, I started to rebuild myself this past summer, to change, inside and out, and. I’m ashamed to say that I just wasn’t vigilant. Not enough, at least. All of the clues were there with Ashlee, and I simply didn’t want to think about it. I put it out of my mind. I knew she had bad bruises that didn’t make sense, I knew she was terrified of her sisters, b-but. But, I was also terrified of them! M-my ‘vigilance’ couldn’t even measure up to my, my willful ignorance and cowardice and fear that—”

   “Okay shh-shh-shh-shhhh,” Mrs. Macintire shushed her, rocking Tabitha back and forth in her arms. “Enough of that, alright? Tabby hon, you may just be too close to the issue to realize, but—Tabitha, you were just as much a victim as Ashlee, there. You had every reason to be afraid! Ashlee had bruises, you have broken bones, they nearly split your head open. You could have died. The both of you were being bullied—abused—and in the same boat. You know?”

   “I… do know that,” Tabitha sighed. “Sort of. It doesn’t feel the same, somehow. Should have acted sooner, said something sooner, made someone believe me. I told my dad, but I knew he didn’t understand. I think I told him because I knew he wouldn’t understand. That he’d just think it was kids playing around and not—and not—”

   “Not serious?” Mrs. Macintire interceded in a cold tone.

   “I… I guess,” Tabitha admitted. “That’s not even all his fault, either. When you’re very young, everything is, you know, big and scary and seems serious and just has this dreadful personal impact. Then, you take it to the adults, and they decide what matters and what’s unimportant. They have perspective. I think that’s why I have to blame myself for not speaking out sooner about the Taylor family. Because I am an adult, sort of. I had that perspective, have that perspective. I bore the responsibility to act, especially after what happened with Julie. Especially then. And didn’t act soon enough.”

   “Tabitha… Tabitha, you know you’re still a kid, right?” Mrs. Macintire asked in a soft voice. “You’re fourteen years old.”

   “In a lot of ways, I’m just now realizing it,” Tabitha shrugged. “I thought, I was so sure that, that because of certain circumstances, that I’d… that in some ways I had grown up all at once. Now, after these past few months, I mean? Now, I’m kind of seeing that in other ways I was prevented from growing up at all. That parts of me were, I guess I should say, psychologically stunted. Parts of my psyche just never got past a certain point and really matured.”

   Mrs. Macintire’s shoulders shook, and to Tabitha’s surprise she realized the woman was crying. She wasn’t sure why she thought this conversation would be accepted with stoicism after how much Mrs. Macintire displayed her care over and over again, and Tabitha felt a pang of guilt. It was touching and tragic and it made her want to cry, too—but sadly in this moment Tabitha’s more emotional side was still a bit burned out by everything. Instead she squeezed her eyes closed and hugged Mrs. Macintire and decided not to say anything more.

   In another way, it was jarring. Tabitha found herself completely unable to connect the ideas of Mrs. Crow, the head bitch from the Safety Plant’s main office and Mrs. Macintire, fiercely protective surrogate mother to a wayward trailer park teen. The dissonance she felt there went beyond the context of situations or people being multi-faceted and Tabitha simply refused to accept that they ever could have been the same person. Sandra Macintire had without reserve completely adopted her as a daughter and positively showered her with love and support.

   Last lifetime, the very thought of her made me want to scowl, Tabitha finally felt her eyes water. Her irritated look, her sharp cheekbones, how tired and angry her eyes were. Thinking back on it, remembering how much I loathed her—it breaks my heart, now. Because I didn’t know her, because I didn’t love her. I’m, I think, I just keep getting closer and closer to just giving in and calling her mom. Because, I’m NOT as grown up as I thought I was, even from having aged on through a future. I never did mature like I should have. I was stunted. My actual mother who should have filled this role, Shannon Moore? She’s worse off in that regard than I ever was. And obviously, it’s not something I know how to fix. How could I?

   “Tabitha,” Mrs. Macintire’s voice was thick with emotion. “Do you—do you promise me that he’s never touched you? Not, not even just him. Your dad, your uncle that got into all that trouble, anyone? I-if anything’s happened to you, honey, I need to know. Please.”

   “Nothing like that, I swear,” Tabitha assured her. “Certainly nothing sexual. I’ve seen my dad yell, mostly at doctors or school staff, and I saw him angry enough to break a plate once. I-it was a nice plate, I’ll always remember it. He’s never hit me, I don’t think he ever would.”

   “Your uncle?” Mrs. Macintire pressed. “Anyone else?”

   “I was a fat little girl, and my uncle’s tastes skew lean and skanky,” Tabitha tried to introduce some levity. “The bleached blonde junkie thin-types, that are bony but still have boobs. He never even glanced my way, I promise. There was one single instance where boundaries were crossed with someone, but it was—it was someone my age, we were, it was something like our first date, and. It was very quickly resolved. There were some harsh words, but he backed off, I did cry quite a bit, but that’s all—that’s all over and done with.”

   “What,” Mrs. Macintire bit out through what sounded like clenched teeth. “Was the kid’s name?”

   “He’s long gone, everything was resolved, and I promise I’ll tell you right away if there’s any of that kind of issues ever again,” Tabitha said. “It wasn’t even that bad, it was just—it was a boundaries thing. Not even something I could have pressed charges for, I don’t think.”

   “Okay,” Mrs. Macintire blew out a breath and finally released Tabitha from the long hug. “Okay. If you’re sure. Because—between Karen and me, we can still give whatever boy plenty of trouble. I’m guessing—he was getting too handsy?”

   “That’s, yes, that’s what it was,” Tabitha nodded in embarrassment. “It’s resolved. I was firm with him.”

   “Good, good,” Mrs. Macintire wiped her eyes. “You’ll—do you want me to talk with Elena?”

   “I’ll explain everything to her,” Tabitha said. “She… well, her and I have a sort of ongoing disagreement over this one particular thing. I think her misunderstanding stems off of that. I was a little upset that she said something to you about it, but then also I do appreciate her intentions.”

   “She was really nervous about it,” Mrs. Macintire recalled. “But, yeah. It was a ‘better safe than sorry.’”

   “I’ll talk with her,” Tabitha said again.

   “Well,” Mrs. Macintire let out a laugh. “Thank you. This was all… a relief. I’m sorry to come in and bother you, tonight of all nights, on such an uncomfortable topic. How are you holdin’ up, hon?”

   “I feel a lot better! Actually,” Tabitha smiled. “I really do. Thank you. For—for everything… mom.”

( 48, A very difficult dinner. | RE: Trailer Trash | Next, 49 pt 2 )

/// Wanted to close this plot thread so that I can loop it into the next knot I have coming up. If I let the "Sandra suspects Tabitha has been molested" plot thread have too much slack, it creates other bad tangles that create bigger narrative problems. I could have closed this one at any point after the Tabitha/Ashlee confrontation where they talk at the end of chap 47, but felt like a Sandra/Tabitha heart to heart fits better here, directly after the dinner with parents disaster. Sorry!

Elaine/Selkie is a BtDEM reference, it just felt like a good fit, maybe not for Chansey visually, but definitely for how it feels to fight a competitive Chansey  with their stupidly high HP and then absolutely broken recovery moves. Her Jolteon's obviously gonna be named Ariel in a MWC reference, but I didn't want to frontload all the nods into this bit here. Very excited to write a big Pokemon battle scene from the POV of an overconfident cousin with legendaries getting himself absolutely stomped by Tabitha!

Feeling much better about writing this month, have actually been able to relax when I'm not writing, instead of just being a 24/7 ball of tension continuously attempting to force out words (and failing.) Hope everyone's having a great Feb.