AnimeCon Harem 13: Cold Feet (Patreon)

   Unease and a vague sense of urgency welled up within Kelly whenever she tried to picture how the future was going to play out. How long would she be able to play pretend and be nice to Brian and Emily before tiring of it and reverting back to who she really was? No matter how she tried to put things together in her head, the situation wasn’t going to remain tolerable without Stephanie stubbornly holding everything together. Some small part of her had assumed Steph would be there with them, would skip school and stay with them for a few weeks, or ultimately decide to move in with them. That would make things manageable.

   There’s that Cherokee saying about having two wolves fighting forever inside of you—one that’s good and one that’s evil, and whichever wins out is all about which one you keep feeding, Kelly grimaced. I don’t mind becoming the good wolf for a change, I’m not AGAINST that, or anything. But, let’s face facts—I don’t know how to take care of the good wolf. Without Steph there with me... it’s not gonna win out. How fucking COULD it?

   It shouldn’t have mattered to her, but what was most vexing to her was that she did care about this group of weebs. She’d gotten in deep and involved in the weird little stories of each of their lives and caught feelings, despite that never being a good idea. Now it felt like the clock was ticking and it was just a matter of time before her time bomb of an ego chafed at living there with Brian, or she made careless remarks that really hurt Emily, or she got frustrated one day and wound up right back to where she started, looking into a career starring in pornos so that she could finance a coke habit.

   I mean, he wasn’t wrong about that kinda being a ‘bad end,’ but what the fuck am I supposed to do? Kelly wondered. That’s just how my life’s supposed to go, I’ve always kinda thought that. It’s not what I WANT, exactly, but it’s the path that fits me. Right? This way out there other direction with Brian and them, isn’t it always going to feel wrong, feel like I don’t deserve things to be like this, feel like I’m not really supposed to be here?

   Despite feeling so out of place, she didn’t let go of Emily’s hand as they waited on the crosswalk signal to get back across the street in front of the convention—for the fifth time that morning. It really seemed like they’d spent all day today running around back and forth between the AnimeCon pavilion and the Westerlin’s parking lot, and that was a little frustrating, too. She needed some time alone with Stephanie before they went their separate ways for a while.

   When the busy stream of cars on the city street in front of them finally ground to a reluctant halt in front of the painted pedestrian crossing, the two girls cut across the street together and strode through the convention plaza yet again. Directly opposite the city street was a small two-lane driveway loop for shuttle buses and taxis to cross that was now filled with waiting parents or designated drivers in their various cars, vans, and SUVs picking people up from the convention.

   Kelly’s honey-brown eyes couldn’t help but linger on a trio of weeaboo high-school girls in garish wigs hugging out their teary-eyed goodbyes before they had to leave. Was this how her sister treated her cosplay friends at all the cons she went to? How was she even supposed to say goodbye to Stephanie? As comfortable as she was with casual displays of sexual intimacy, shows of emotional intimacy felt awkward to watch and gut-wrenching to think about putting herself through.

   My motto’s been NO BIG DEAL about hellos and goodbyes, Kelly told herself. Because, it hasn’t ever been a big deal to me. Until now. Getting all excited and gushing over seeing your friends again was super cringe to me, and shedding tears at saying goodbye made me want to gag. But, now—now, it is a big deal, and what do I even do? Will Stephanie be disappointed or feel put out if I try to make it no big deal? I mean it IS a big deal, so making it out like it’s no big deal seems dishonest, but then again I’m a NO BIG DEAL kind of person with that stuff, so it also feels super fake to go and make a big deal about it. Right? Fuck!

   Lost in her own head, Kelly let Emily take the lead when the Latina spotted Brian and Stephanie waiting for them and tugged her along over until they were all standing together yet again. There were a lot less people around the convention lobby now, and for once finding each other after being separated was an easy task. The mood upon reuniting was unexpectedly somber, however, and each of the four seemed to exchange glances before Kelly took the initiative to trade off their hands, putting Emily’s hand in Brian’s and then taking Stephanie’s hand for herself.

   “Soooo, yeah,” Emily broke the silence with a sheepish smile, swinging her and Brian’s held hands back and forth in lieu of fidgeting. “Hi.”

   “Ev-everything’s going to be okay,” Stephanie fretted, glancing back and forth between Kelly and Brian. “Right?”

   “My stuff’s moved over into your car,” Kelly reported, eyeballing Brian. “Are we… are we still cool?”

   “Yeah, yeah,” Brian afforded her an unconvincing nod. “Just—the whole harem charm thing, I’m having a tough time, uh, figuring out what to do about all of that. I guess. The invitation for you to stay with me for however long you need to, though, that definitely still stands. That’s all fine.”

   “Okay, cool,” Kelly said. She didn’t know what else to say to that.

   “Rebecca did say I should try to like, talk to each of you about it before I go and make up my mind on that whole thing one way or another,” Brian continued. “But, also— the con’s wrapping up here, and if we want to go through the vendor’s room like we meant to, I think we’d better do it in the next thirty minutes.”

   “Alright,” Kelly said in a calm voice, trying to ignore how Stephanie’s charm power was probably rifling its way through the current mess of emotions beneath her cool facade like a nosy mother snooping for contraband. “Uh—how ‘bout... you take Emily, and you can talk shop about the magic whatever with her. I’ll take Steph and we’ll maybe keep to just the one side of the vendor’s room?”

   “We, ah, we should all stay together for—” Stephanie began to suggest.

   “I’m tryin’ to avoid like, the entire side of that room over by artist’s alley,” Kelly stated in a blunt voice. I am NOT trying to wander across my sister’s field of sight right now and get into all of that again right now. Nope, NOPE. Nope nope nope. “Let’s let them talk and figure shit out, we can all get in and out and buy whatever before all the vendor people pack up, and meet back here in… say, twenty minutes? Thirty minutes?”

   “Sounds good?” Emily’s tone was more question than affirmation, and the girl cast a nervous look towards Brian.

   “Okay, sure,” Brian shrugged. “Yeah. See you in a bit.”

   “It’s going to be alright!” Stephanie ducked in to plant a quick kiss on Brian’s cheek. “We-we’re all going to be alright, no matter what! We’re not leaving this convention until we’re definitely all alright with everything. Okay?”

   “This is why Steph’s in charge,” Kelly joked, her reflexive teasing smile faltering slightly when she realized she actually wasn’t joking at all. “I... uh, c’mon, Babe. Let’s go shop.”

   Despite deciding to split up, they all walked over to the vendor’s room together, with Emily in a fluster making increasingly panicked small talk to a rather stoic Brian while Stephanie kept sneaking glances at Kelly as if about to ask what was wrong. Kelly was frustrated because she didn’t know where to even begin— life was so much easier when everyone could just take whatever she was presenting on the surface at face value. On the other hand, it was also a little intoxicating having someone know when something’s wrong even when she’s trying to hide it, to not only know but also to care about it.

   It was going to take some getting used to.

   The foursome of Brian and his harem of three girls with vibrant different hair colors showed their badges to the staffer camped out at the entrance to the vendor’s room, and then they meandered inside together before separating. As if heeding Kelly’s earlier words about her not wanting to tread near the side of the vendor’s room that Artist’s Alley was on, Emily and Brian went in that direction. So, Kelly and Stephanie went the other way— it was an enormous bazaar-like set up, and even though the place was emptying out they could shop around for a while before running into each other again.

   The booths and sales displays with all of their brightly-colored anime paraphernalia didn’t hold much appeal to Kelly, but she’d admittedly always been prejudiced against the stuff simply because Sarah was so into it. The giant googly eyes of anime girl faces staring out from all of the posters and wall scrolls still seemed foreign and just plain weird to her. The little shelves showing off anime figurines were mostly suggestive in a way that toys shouldn’t be, and the myriad spread of various boxes of manga volumes and dvds lined up on some of the tables seemed so vast that she didn’t understand how anyone kept up with all of it.

   “Anything in particular you were looking for?” Kelly asked as they wandered down the length of one of the aisles. “Grabbed some cash from that wad of bills, so say the word and I’ll buy you somethin’. Anything. Sky’s the limit, anything for my bae.”

   “Kelly,” Stephanie warned, thwapping Kelly gently across the back of her hand. “Please, talk to me. What’s going on?”

   “Steph...” Kelly began, making a face as she tried to figure out what to say. “I’m gettin’ cold feet. This thing with Brian, I don’t know if it’s gonna work. Moving in with him and all. Getting serious cold feet about it, now that it looks like it’s really gonna happen. Like, with you here now? I can deal. But, just being alone with him after this, living there with him? Steph… I don’t fuckin’ know.”

   “Kelly—” Stephanie tried to interject.

   “I’m gonna fuck all of this up,” Kelly talked over her. “I’m serious. This isn’t a good idea. I don’t want to be the one that ruins all this, and if I go and try to live with him—”

   “Kelly, listen to me,” Stephanie demanded, putting her hands on Kelly’s forearms.

   “I don’t wanna fuck this up,” Kelly admitted, her collected facade crumbling for a moment to reveal a pleading expression. “You—seriously, you don’t know what I’m like. What I’m really like. This isn’t gonna work, you know? I can’t play pretend and be nice all the time, and as soon as I’m not, everyone’s gonna get hurt.”

   “Kelly you weren’t worried at all about this before!” Stephanie seemed torn between exasperation and amusement.

   “Yeah, well I didn’t give a fuck about what happened to anyone else before!” Kelly growled. “That’s your fault, you know.”

   “I know,” Stephanie gave her a cute grin and then rose up onto her tiptoes to give Kelly a kiss. “It’s my fault.”

   A flippant kiss like that should have been aggravating, Kelly thought it should have felt like Stephanie wasn’t taking her seriously, or waving away her concerns… but instead, it just felt nice. Comforting. Stephanie’s pink magic whatever didn’t seem to be spinning up to full throttle again yet, but the pure radiant love the shy girl could impart in a simple tiny smooch was still genuine, and it really did help.

   “Steph, for real—what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Kelly asked.

   “Kelly,” Stephanie traced her fingertips across Kelly’s brow to pull the girl’s bangs away from her eyes. “You’re not going to hurt anyone.”

   “I am,” Kelly gave her a helpless shrug. “I am, though. We’re gonna fight. I can’t be with a guy and not start to clash with him over every stupid pointless fucking—”

   “That’s not going to happen,” Stephanie promised, looking deep into Kelly’s eyes.

   “It is,” Kelly argued. “I don’t want to do this.”

   “I wish you could see things from my perspective,” Stephanie sighed, planting another tiny kiss on Kelly’s lips. “See how things fit together.”

   “That’s the whole problem,” Kelly said. “I just—I don’t fit into certain kinds of things like that, Steph. That’s not me.”

   “Let’s say…” Stephanie pursed her lips and looked into the distance as she gathered her thoughts. “Let’s say you do lash out at Brian. What happens then?”

   “We’re going to fight,” Kelly predicted. “Not because anything’s actually wrong—just because I’ll have to pick at him, because I’ll look for some fuckin’ fault to find. No matter how stupid it is. It always happens, every time. My ego isn’t gonna just—”

   “No,” Stephanie shook her head. “ Brian’s not going to fight you, that’s not what Brian’s like, Kelly. He wasn’t even fighting Chloe! Are you going to lash out at him, worse than Chloe?”

   “I—” Kelly made a face. “No. Gross. C’mon. But—”

   “You’re going to push him, and he’s not going to push you back,” Stephanie said. “So, what happens then?”

   “That’s... even worse than us fighting,” Kelly scowled. “You’re saying that’s the solution? Me just walking all over Brian? Like Chloe did?”

   “You’re going to push him, but he’s not going to push you back,” Stephanie repeated, “and, that’s going to frustrate you. Confuse you, maybe. Then, at that point you can keep pushing and pushing—like Chloe would—or you can think about what you’re doing. Apologize if you need to. Kiss and make up.”

   “Steph,” Kelly snorted, shaking her head. “Fucking come on. That’s not how things work in the real world. In real relationships.”

   “Brian doesn’t want to fight with you,” Stephanie said. “He doesn’t want to prove that he’s better, he doesn’t need to always be right about anything. You’re, ah, you’re building up a Brian in your head that’s not real, Kelly. You’re—you’re emotionally all... hunching yourself up, because you think you’re going to be in opposition to him. You’re bracing for something rough to come down on you, but that’s not going to happen.

   “Brian isn’t going to fight with you! He’s on your side, o-or in your corner, or however you want to put it! He’s with you, and he’s always going to be putting you first and thinking about you and worrying about you, and at some point that’s going to stop being this big surprising thing you can’t accept because it’s too good to be true, and you’re going to realize that things are going to work.”

   “It’s not that simple,” Kelly gnawed on her lip and shook her head. “Have you—wait, you’re acting all pushy all the sudden… Steph, are you ‘borrowing’ bits of me again?”

   “A little,” Stephanie admitted, giving Kelly a tight hug.

   “Thought you were trying not to do that?”

   “Kelly,” Stephanie let out a small sigh. “I just want to… I don’t know how to explain it. You’re like this amazing... force of nature, and when you set yourself towards something, there’s just nothing in the world you can’t do! Except when it comes to your own problems! When it comes to your own problems, for you they’re impossible for anyone to ever change, or, or things that just are the way they are, and there’s nothing anyone can possibly do about them to you.

   “I want to be like you are, but for you. For your problems. Someone needs to be the Kelly who can do anything—but for you.”

   Kelly didn’t know how to respond to that, and she felt her face growing warm in what had to be a blush. Somehow, Stephanie managed to combine thoughtful sentiment and flattery together in a really weird but also extremely touching way.

   “Also…” Stephanie took on a sheepish expression. “I had to explain myself to Brian and really, um. G-get my perspective across, because it was really important, and, I uh, I couldn’t have done it at all without emulating you this tiny bit. Okay, more than a tiny bit. I needed you. I, I don’t want to just imitate you all and your… emotional auras whenever things get hard, or have th-that become a crutch, because then I won’t even know when I’m really completely me anymore, but also—I can’t just do nothing when I see you all hurting and there might be something I can do.”

   “Well, if you really needed me,” Kelly couldn’t help but smile and shrug. “Then, you can borrow whatever you like. Whenever. Take it, take whatever you want—I’m all yours, babe.”

   “Am I—” Stephanie hesitated. “Am I less me when I’m being you?”

   “Steph, you’re not me,” Kelly said. “Thank fucking God. You’re trying to make it out like your charm power thing is magically... photocopying our personalities onto you, or something like that—but, it’s not. At all. You’re not me. You don’t have my experiences. The things I’ve been through made me become the way I am, and most of them were pretty rotten. I’m pretty rotten. When you go and cherrypick some super-idealized fantasy version of what you think I’m like, and then worry that you’re grafting cloned bits of our psyche into yourself? What a joke. Steph, are you for fucking real?”

   “Hmmm,” Stephanie mused, pressing her lips against Kelly’s neck. “Prove it, show me. Say something really rotten to me—say something th-that’s just, that’s just mean and hurtful.”

   “You’re—” Kelly floundered for a moment. “Steph—you’re a dork.”

   Stephanie’s giggle was musical and it tugged at Kelly’s heartstrings, but the pink-haired girl didn’t didn’t say anything else, instead leaving little fluttery kisses along the inside of Kelly’s throat. Across from them, one of the vendor’s starting to pack his merchandise up smiled and shook his head at them.

   “You’re—yeah, very funny, Steph,” Kelly growled. “I’m not gonna be mean to you.”

   “I know,” Stephanie teased with a little nibble. “And... it’s going to be the same when you’re with Brian.”

   “It’s not, though,” Kelly frowned. “It’s different. I love you. But, with Brian? One foot’s gotta stay on the ground. Both feet, maybe. With guys, I don’t let myself fall in love. I can’t, I just really can’t.”

   “You can,” Stephanie kissed her, “you already have. You’re already in love. You can be in denial about it— for now. That’s okay. You’ll see. Give it some time, and you’ll see what I already see. And, what I see? Is beautiful.”

   “I— Steph, I—” Kelly swallowed, trying not to squirm as Stephanie sowed a line of kisses along her neck to arrive at her earlobe. “Fuck, you’re—it’s totally not fair using me against me like that.”

   “Hmm,” Stephanie hummed, and she was close enough for Kelly to feel the pleasant vibration of it. “You gave me Kelly confidence, and I get to use it however I like. Right now... I just want to give some of it back to you. I love you.”

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