RE: Trailer Trash 27, Tabitha's long convalescence. (Patreon)
Content
There we go, think that did the trick, a nonplussed voice from out of nowhere remarked.
Tabitha jolted back to awareness with her sinuses screaming, and caught a blurry glimpse of a hand holding a white paper capsule covered with tiny black text. Her brain wasted no time connecting the overpowering ammonia inhalant in the air to the idea of smelling salts, and being roused back to consciousness in such a manner was a lot more unpleasant than shed have ever imagined. There were three faces crowded around wherever she was lying, it was way too bright, and she felt completely exhausted, too tired to even dream about sitting up.
...Tabitha? A woman asked.
Tabitha tried to blink the bright blur into defined shapes and shift her positionher body felt stiff and heavily-laden, and her head felt strangely detached, seemingly anchored to reality only by a terrible aching pain that radiated out from the side of her temple. The woman spoke again, but Tabithas attention was bleary and wandering. All she could make out was that the voice was choked with emotion, and not someone she immediately recognized, which added to the strangeness of her situation.
Tabby? Hannah asked in a meek voice. Hello to Tabitha?
She knew that voice for sure, and it was coming from the smaller face, closer down to the horizon of muddled shapes that she was beginning to realize was her body on a hospital bed. Im back. Im BACK. Only knew Hannah in ONE lifetime, and its the life I wantedthe life I WANT, the one I was wishing for. Thank you, thank you thank you thank you...
Hannah...? Tabitha managed out.
Her own words came out as more of a breathless sigh than audible speech, and Tabitha wondered if anyone would be able to hear her. There simply wasnt any strength in her diaphragm she could intone into her words to project them at any volume. The sheer effort of speaking was so impossibly taxing that it made her feel like she needed to black out and rest all over again.
She just said Hannah, the woman exclaimed. Hannahthats my daughter right heres name! Tabitha recognized
Quiet please, quiet, lets not overwhelm the girl, the male voice admonished her. Miss Tabitha, weve contacted your parents, and theyre on their way here right now. Would it be alright if I asked you a few questions?
Hurts, Tabitha croaked in her tiny voice. She wasnt against answering questions, but her head was splitting and this seemed like a crucial thing to convey to them as quickly as she could.
Yes, Id expect so, the doctor murmured. We took you off ofwell, well get some morphine in your IV in just a moment. Youre a very, very lucky girlyouve been legally dead for two days, now. Youll have a very interesting certificate of death to show off. Can you describe your current pain for me on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest?
Six, Tabitha replied in a low murmur, fighting to keep her eyes open. On its way to seven.
Six, on its way to seven, the doctor repeated. Good, good. Well get that taken care of for you. Do you know where you are?
In light of her recentand confusingexperiences, that felt like a hell of a loaded question. Tabitha blinked with difficulty again, fighting to glare through the haze of exhaustion and eyeball her surroundings. She realized Hannah was holding her hand in a tight little grip, and it filled her with comfort. Tabitha tried to squeeze back, but there didnt seem to be much strength in her right hand. Or anywhere.
...Springton General, Tabitha finally answered.
Thatsyes, youre in a hospital, Springton General Hospital, The doctor nodded, seeming pleased with the measure of her faculties. Can you tell me the last thing you remember?
Dangling in the darkness from Hannahs voice. Smashing my head into the back of 2045s MRI prototype in the University of Louisville Hospital. Escaping a series of memories and or nightmares via F-22, the Lockheed Martin single-seat, twin-engine, all-weather stealth tactical fighter aircraft of my dreams. Those awful girls, chasing me through the endless parking lot. I remember talking with Julie, and she felt so REAL. So real There wasthere was another timeline that started. Fuck, I think that WAS real, but my brain bleeding or some sort of damage DISCONNECTED me? I timed out? Brain bleed. Brain bleed, because Erica Taylor
Violence, Tabitha mumbled, deciding to tactfully keep some things to herself. Violence and pain.
Violence and pain, The doctor echoed, seeming a little taken aback. If you could describe
Seven now, Tabitha interrupted to report, squeezing her eyes shut and furrowing her brow. ...Eight, soon.
Alrighty, everything else can certainly wait, the doctor relented. Giving you some morphine now. Youre going to feel very, very drowsy, but you shouldnt be feeling any pain. Oh, andwelcome back.
He wasnt kidding about the feelingalmost instantly, Tabitha felt like the sharp agony in her head was stifled beneath blanket after blanket of smothering cottony tiredness that completely buried her senses. Her waking thought processes slowed to a sluggish, exhausted crawl, sinking into a soporific muddle-headedness that made her surreal dreams from before seem to have been in vivid clarity by contrast. The following conversations occurring right by her bedside seemed to travel enormous distances to reach the semi-aware part of her mind in broken, disjointed sentences, and when the words arrived at all, they did so in a droning, nearly incomprehensible murmur.
procedures for
right to alert us as quickly as youparents here by her side when she ither medical miracle, or misdiagnosis. Theyre going to run another battery of tests to
indication of?
dont want to ketchup and pickle only, please! Thank y
recovery
ssible that the instruments we have available here werent sensitive enough to detect brain activity below a certain threshold. Theres never beenell them she was awake and alert, she managed to say a few words. Yes, yes, wecant tell anything else until
visitors, until theres
?
stop that. Hannah Honey, give her some space. She needs to rest
know what else we can say. Up until this case, this was unprecedented, there was no
bitha?!hear me?
Tabitha baby? Tabby, can you hear me? Were all
* * *
Mrs. Moore wrung the handrail spanning the side of Tabithas hospital bed in a death grip. Her eyes were still red-rimmed, her lips were pressed into a thin line, and her figure was noticeably thinner than it had been just the week before. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, she felt about as hollowed out as any one person could be. Shed had no appetite since it happened, and shed spent several insensate days sobbing and screaming herself to the point of weakness and dehydration. Her husband hadnt fared much better, seeming to age several decades in those several days and speaking only in clipped, terse sentences.
Hearing that Tabitha had inexplicably woken upwoken up from being legally brain dead, was more than she could comprehend right now, and she was still terrified to believe there was any hope, that it might actually be true. Mrs. Moore was empty of everything else and still reelingshe wanted them to force Tabitha awake again just so that she could confirm it with her own eyes, and she also couldnt bear to. She felt her heart breaking at the pain and suffering her daughter was going through.
Are you gonna be okay? Mrs. Macintire asked, giving her a look of concern.
Soon as I can hear her speak again, Mrs. Moore nodded quickly, tears erupting out of nowhere to stream down her face again. As soon as I can see her awake again, alive again. Then Ill be great. Perfect. Everything will be...
I know exactly what you mean, Mrs. Macintire patted her hand. This whole thing terrifies me. I was sitting right there in the chair and didnt realize a thing. If Hannah hadnt happened to notice something was wrong, that Tabitha was having a nightmarehell, if this brain activity deal was all a misdiagnosis, some sort of goddamned malpractice fucking fuckup...
I dont care, Mrs. Moore blurted out, sniffling and trying to stop her breath from hitching up. If I can see her againif we can get her back, I dont care about anything else. Ill care later. Ill be, Ill be furious later. Right now I just, I just
She is back, Mrs. Macintire reassured her with a comforting hug. They diagnosed her as brain dead and instead she wakes up and starts talking! Everythings going to be fine, with a little bit of time. Someone up theres still looking out for Tabitha, and Hell make sure she pulls through this.
Youre rightyoure, youre right, Mrs. Moore nodded, wiping distractedly at her tears.
With Sandras husband Officer Macintire transferred to Springton General for his recovery and Tabitha admitted to the adjacent wing, Mrs. Macintire and her seven-year-old daughter had been spending almost all of their free time here visiting in the rooms of either one or the other patients. The harmful what-ifs thinking about what would have happened if Tabitha had stirred near consciousness and no one had been there to see... were horrifying to consider. Theyd taken her off life support because thered supposedly been absolutely no chance of recovery. Mrs. Moore wasnt feeling the rage and anger about it yet, but it was certainly weighing more on her mind each passing moment.
Alan Moore stood off to the side, simply staring with a vacant expression. Hed been bottling up all of the pain of losing Tabitha internally and had been pushed well past the point of shutting downMrs. Moore felt ashamed that shed been in no position to help him through it. Theyd both just been completely struck dumb and absolutely losthow do any parents anywhere cope with loss of this magnitude? Theyd missed the Monday expulsion hearing, which came and went with little fanfareonly Chris Thompson was expelled, with the other girls each being released from their suspensions to return to school for a period of academic probation.
Mrs. Moore couldnt really bring herself to care about any of the bastards.
High school bullying had passed well under the local news stations radar, but assault and battery at a Halloween party that left a pretty teenage girl in a vegatative state did not, and when Channel Seven began connecting the dots they quickly seemed to realize there was quite a story to run. Tabithas involvement in the Springton South Main Shooting allowed them to dredge up old footage again, and several of the district schools pulled their entire student bodies out of class for a lecture on teen violence and the implementation of new zero-tolerance anti-bullying measures in the student code of conduct.
Democratic Kentucky Governor Paul E. Patton released a statement expressing his regret and condolences, touting Bill Clintons recent First Annual Report on School Safetya study commissioned between the US Department of Justice and the US Department of Educationas well as reiterating last years talking points regarding the school shooting in West Paducah, Kentucky. Between the political expediency of using the incident as another topic in support of Clintons School Safety Report and Tabitha Moores favored hometown hero status with the Springton Police Channel Seven had the local communities at large worked up into a frothing rage at what had happened to Tabitha.
Erica Taylor herself wasnt expelledthe teen was instead transferred, to a Juvenile Detention Center all the way over in Breathitt Countyunanimously expedited away from the increasingly hostile Springton crowd to await her court date. People were angry, and a deluge of supportive phone calls and letters arrived at the Moore household, each fielded and dealt with by Grandma Laurie, who provisionally crowded both herself and the boys into the small trailer day by day to keep an eye on her son and daughter-in-law.
Elenas father, representing the offices of Seelbaugh and Straub, offered his counsel and insisted that with the current circumstances, any and all charges they decided to press were guaranteed to stick. Mrs. Moore had been trying not to think about ither thoughts wandered into dangerous ideas of murderous revenge whenever she didnt clamp down on them tightly enough. She knew she should appreciate the assistance and attention of so many well-wishing strangers, but she felt nothing, nothing but loss and grief and disbelief.
Tabitha CANT ever leave us. Sheshe cant. SHE CANT, Mrs. Moore thought, squeezing the hospital beds handrail until she was clutching the bar in a white-knuckled grip.
Her lovely daughters head was still wrapped in bandages, and the only indication that shed ever returned to them at all was that she would now shift slightly in her sleep, gently cant her head to one side as much as the neck brace allowed. Tabitha looked small and frail, a tiny waif of a girl that barely filled out the hospital gown. Theyd cut away the broken cast on her left hand without bothering to replace or splint it, leaving the ugly old yellowing bruises on full display. Though supposedly not brain dead now, Mrs. Moore stood solemn vigil, watching her with wet eyes. She wouldnt sit down or relax until shed seen her wake up for herself.
Youre not even fourteen yet, Mrs. Moore began to cry again. Your birthdays next monthyou were about to miss your birthday, Tabby. You cant miss your birthday. Fourteen yearstheres so much lost time, and I havent even started making it all up to you properly.
* * *
Lena? Honey? Mrs. Seelbaughs voice called through the bedroom door. Are you alright? I thought I heard glass breaking.
You did, Elena bit out. Im fine. Im fine.
The fourteen-year-old blonde hugged herself as she cast a hollow stare past the wreckage of her once-tidy room. Shed had a bit of an episode, and after crying and screaming into her pillow behind the locked door for several hours, Elena had decided to redecorate. Posters had all been ripped into papery shreds as she clawed them off of her walls, and shed crumpled the cut-out magazine sections and old middle-school artwork that had been taped up. Picture frames had been knocked down, shed torn and thrown every book on her bookshelf, and the little decorative glass angel that normally caught the light on her windowsill had been hurled against the far wall.
Elena? Mrs. Seelbaugh prompted again. Can I come in?
I want to be alone for a while, Elena replied in a flat voice, slowly scratching her fingernails down her arms.
Okay, Mrs. Seelbaugh replied. Im Im always here for you. Whenever you need me.
Yeah, Elena said without emotion.
When she heard her mother reluctantly step back away from her door and leave, Elena slowly exhaled. Her eyes hurt. Her room was a total disaster, without even safe carpet space to step anywhere after shed finished toppling everything off of her dresser, desk, and shelving unit. Worst of all, she didnt understand why shed done any of it, why the sudden impulse to destroy had suddenly taken hold and refused to let go.
Its not, like, a TANTRUM or anything, Elena glanced around with disinterest and disgust at the trashed remains of a room shed once been proud of. It it just I dont know?
Frowning to herself, the teen wasnt sure she could actually rationalize her actions to her parents. Elena had absolutely thrown tantrums beforeeven as recently as the previous school year, back when shed still been friends with Carrie. Looking back on it now, tantrums seemed so childish. No, this today didnt felt anything like a tantrum. It felt like madness, horror, it made her insides sick and her mind turn cold, detached, and bitter.
Screaming hadnt helped, it just made her throat sore. Punching her pillow and mattress was futile. Something about her bedroom itself had suddenly become absolutely abhorrent to her. The room had been too Elena, and each of the tastefully-chosen decorations throughout the room, every poster that had been picked out because of how it reflected her tastes, every picture of herself smiling with friends or family became a repulsive monument to insipid teenage vanity. Without any warning, all at once and in an overwhelmingly drastic way, Elena hated all of it.
All of it needed to be destroyed.
She didnt feel better after the fact, though. Everything still felt wrong, everything still needed fixed, but she wasnt sure what that entailed, or what that could even mean anymore. Raking her fingernails down her arms one last time, a brilliant idea came to her inspiration. She stomped and kicked through the mess on her floor, smashing a plastic case filled with her old school supplies beneath her shoe. Crouching down over it, Elena carelessly scattered the purple plastic shards with her fingertips and picked through broken crayons in search ofthere you are.
Her good pair of scissors.
I can cut off all my hair! Elena decided with glee. That willthat will help. It will. It will. It needs to go. The old Elena needs to fucking
Elena! Her mothers voice called from across the house. Mrs. Williams just called somethings happened with Tabitha at the hospital. Can you hurry and get dressed to go?
No. No no no no no no, Elena felt her throat constrict. See Tabitha? No, I cant. I cant. I cant.
She flung the pair of scissors back into the pile junk of pulled out of her desk drawer as if they had bitten her hand, and then backpedaled unsteadily across the mess strewn about her room. Elena slipped on one of the dozens of Zoobooks that had spilled off of her lowest bookshelf and stumbled into the corner.
Tabitha. Something happened. Shes shes dead, isnt she? Elena quaked in dread, clutching at her face as the tears returned. I. I killed her. Its my fault I killed her I told her it was SAFE and convinced her to go EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO and now shes shes. Shes dead. All because of me, all because I THOUGHT I FUCKING KNEW BEST. All because I thought getting closer to Matthew and us all having better standing at FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL was more important than her being absolutely fucking safe and away from everything. II cant. I cant. I CANT.
Elena wasnt aware of how many minutes had passed as shed curled up in the corner and sobbing into her hands, but the next thing she knew comforting arms were around her because her mother was there. She flinched back in surprise at first, but Mrs. Seelbaugh wouldnt let herself be pushed away, instead kneeling in the junk strewn across the carpet and hugging her tight.
Right. Right. Doorknob has that line bit in the middle of it, that you can unlock from the other side with a screwdriver. I should have, should have moved the dresser. Barricaded. She knows what I did, though. Why would she even BOTHER to?
Were going to get through this, Lena, Mrs. Seelbaugh insisted. We can do this. I dont know that I made any sense of what Mrs. Williams was saying, but Tabitha hasnt passed away. Okay? Not just yet. She is she is maybe doing a little better than she was, and I think we should go and see. What do you think?
Mom, its my fault
No. No, Her mother disagreed. No Elena Honey, listen to me. I know how this all must feel, but this is all on that Erica Taylor girl. She attacked Tabitha. Not you. When you try to take all the culpability for what happened and put it on yourself, youre taking blame off of Erica Taylor. Is that what you want? Do you want her to have any less blame for what she did?
...No, Elena said through gritted teeth. She still didnt agree with her mother, but she didnt have the energy to fight her right here on thisher Dad was a capable attorney, and he had yet to ever win an argument against his wife.
You dont understand. You just dont understand. Mom, you always understand and get everything, but this time you just DONT. You dont understand. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND.
* * *
The urge and inspiration to create something beautiful, something mesmerizing seemed to thrum through Alicias fingertips, but every time she put her pencil to the paper, nothing appeared on the blank space. Not so much as a scribble was conjured into being; lately her ability to create seemed to be completely stopped up. Sometimes, she would stare in frustration at the empty sheet for minutes on end, other days she would put the page away and rifle through her previous drawings in vexation. Today, she threw her pencil across the classroom.
Okay. Okay, I cant deal, Alicia rubbed her eyes with her knuckles. I need to to find SOMEONE to talk to. Probably. About all of this.
A few heads turned, and Mr. Morrison gave her a questioning glance, but Alicia had already slumped back down in her seat, cradling her face in her hands. She hadnt shed a single tear since they all thought theyd lost Tabitha, but the urge to cry persisted just behind her eyes, lingering there, taunting her with an emotional release that just wouldnt come out. It felt like she needed to bawl, to cry and scream and cause a fit, but the most she could manage to force out was a few ragged breaths. The sobs were still stuck, as if hung up on something deep down in her throat.
I cant talk to Elena about this. Not now, Alicia decided. Maybe I could NEVER talk to her about this
Elena hadnt been present at school since Tabitha had been attacked. Well, the blonde was physically present; Elena attended classes, and her body occupied space within the campus grounds. But, she wasnt there. Elena had checked out, there was no Elena spark in her at the moment, just an Elena-shaped teenage girl with a vacant expression and monosyllabic responses. Tabitha had become close with Elena, and it was normal for Elena to grieve like she was. Alicias relationship with Tabitha was turning out to have been a lot more hopelessly complicated.
I... maybe have a big crush on Tabitha, Alicia struggled to admit to herself. Some... I dont know, some weird level of attraction. Affection? I dont think its SEXUAL or anything like that. Probably. Shes justtheres just something special about her to me. Irreplaceable. COMPLETELY irreplaceable, and...
Shed been fighting to suppress some strange, unbidden feelings for a while nowbut given the circumstances, it was just impossible for Alicia not to totally fixate on Tabitha. Her red-haired friend was possibly, even probably a goddamned time-traveller from the future! In that light, every little thing the lovely teen did demanded Alicias complete attention. Enormous implications could possibly be gleaned from any trivial little slip of the tongue when hanging out with Tabitha. For weeks and weeks, Alicia had told herself that this was all these feelings were. Interest. Because Tabitha might really be from the future.
But, there was moreso much more.
Tabitha was beautiful. She had a beauty that seemed to start on the inside and bloom outwards into her actual appearance, some incredible, intangible thing that shone from deep within. Artistically speaking, Tabitha had without any doubt become Alicias muse in every way. The Tabitha in motion photo shed snapped was her current masterpiece. Drawings of Tabithas different expressions now populated Alicias artbook, crowding out anything else she wanted to draw. The old guilty practice scribblings of bare breasts stashed behind her bed frame had been replaced with sketch after sketch of naked shoulders and the slender lines of a lovely neckall distinctly Tabitha.
That doesnt make me a LESBO, though, Alicia scowled to herself. Right? Like, no way. I didnt want to BE with her, or like, DO THINGS with her. Except maybe try kissing her. Okay... thats yeah. Thats pretty gay, I guess. Fuck!
Alicia didnt want to be gay, though. Having weird, fluttery warm feelings of nascent attraction for another girlwho happened to also be her best friend and in fact one of her only friendswas an awful experience. The guilt and self-doubt was compounded by the attack during the Halloween party, and it felt like her already squeezed and constrained emotions clamped down so hard that she was a smooshed mess on the inside. The only reason she was functioning any little bit better than Elena was because shed been putting up a false front regarding Tabitha for some time now. That made her feel awful, too.
* * *
Princess everyone hates me, Clarissa confided. I think I hate them back?
The limited edition Beanie Baby gazed down upon the teen from her glass case with her usual wisdom and grace, and Clarissa tried to imagine what the purple Bear was trying to tell her. The rows and rows of the other Beanie Babies that filled the wooden curio above her bed seemed to be judging her, and Clarissa couldnt bear to look at them right now. She could only trust her Princess Diana Bear right now.
If they werent my real friends, then that means I wasnt a real friend to them, either, Clarissa said, staring up into Princess solemn dark plastic eyes. Right?
The expulsion hearing had gone well for Clarissa. The threat of being held back a year turned out to be posturing on the school boards part, and everyone was released from their suspensions with a stern warning about their behavior. Everyone with the exception of Chris Thompsonbut, hed actually physically attacked another student on school grounds. Of course he would get expelled. Erica Taylor wasnt mentioned at all, and when questioned about it, her Dad had put on a grim face and said that Erica Taylor was being dealt with by people much higher up than some shitty school board meeting. After the stress and terror of being held back turned out to be a slap on the wrist and a scolding, Clarissa had returned to school that very Tuesday almost giddy with relief.
Everything had already changed, though.
The friendships shed made previously were nowhere to be foundthe other girls seemed amused that Clarissa would dare to talk to them, after what shed done. They laughed at her, snubbed her, quickly outed her as the cruel bully whod stolen that poor Tabitha girls notebook and gotten caught. As if they all hadnt talked about doing it, as if they hadnt helped goad her into doing it. Clarissa watched in indignant disbelief as each of her friendships was tested for the very first time, and each of them, every single one, failed.
Yeah, Clarissa chuckled, lowering her eyes away from Princess Diana Bear. Right. I hate em. Stupid, it was allits all so stupid.
Mom? Tabitha asked in a weak voice, cracking her eyes open.
Im here, Mrs. Moore jolted up from the seat at the side of the small room and rushed to her side. Im here, Sweetie. Im right here.
Lifting up her right handit felt heavy and sluggishTabitha immediately felt her mother take it firmly in her hands. It was still a struggle to see, but it was difficult to tell if it was because the small room was too dimly lit or too bright. Impossibly, it seemed to be both at the same time. Mrs. Moores faintly smiling face was lined with worry as Tabitha looked up at her in a bit of a daze, and despite the circumstances it was the first time she was really struck with how her mother still had that glimmer of her gorgeous old self within her.
I love you, Mom, Tabitha croaked out.
She was back where she belonged. This was the mother she was never, ever going to let go of, and although the delusions of that surreal fever dream were beginning to dilute and subside into faded almost-memories, Tabithas resolve remained firm. Im not going to let you go. Im going to save you. I mean it.
I love you too, Sweetie, Mrs. Moore whispered. I love you too. So much. We thought wed lost you. They saidthey said you were gone. God gave us a miracle, he brought you back to us. Youre a miracle, Tabby Sweetie.
Then, Tabitha said slowly, lets go to church. Sometime.
You want to go to church? Mrs. Moore asked in surprise. We can do that, we can start going to church.
Really? Tabitha blinked.
Of course, really, Mrs. Moore promised. If you want us to go to church, then were all going to church. Every Sunday.
I figure, Tabitha breathed, that, it cant hurt. Right?
Youre right, youre absolutely right, Mrs. Moore said quickly, trying to smile. I dont know why we werent going. HesHes been so good to us. Well find a good church to go to.
Elenas family. Presbyterian, Tabitha said. But, Licia and the WilliamsMethodist.
Speaking in complete sentences somehow seemed like a huge hurdle, and whatever soup of morphine they were feeding into her IV had Tabitha feel like she was right on the cusp of falling back asleep at any moment. It was incredibly tiresome, but even through the fog of painkillers the side of her head felt raw, as if theyd sheared off part of her skull to access the bleed on her brain.
No, not a bleed on my brain, Tabitha told herself. Not for sure. That was just something from my dream. Probably. Ill need to ask what actually happened here sometime soon. Get everything straight.
Presbyterian and Methodist? Mrs. Moore repeated. Well go to whichever one you want. We can try them both. Elena, Alicia, the Williamseveryones been in to see you. Hannah stops in every day and holds your hand. You woke up for a bit, tried to say something to Elena, but we couldnt figure out what it was before you were out again. You just went out like a light.
I Tabitha frowned, furrowing her brow. Sorry. Dont remember.
Its okay, its okay, Her mother quickly reassured her. You can talk to everyone when youre feeling a little better. Everyone just had to rush back when we got word that you were making a recovery. It really is a miracle, Tabitha. You were so close towell. Its Heaven-sent, that He gave you back to us. I love you so much, Tabitha. I didnt know what I was ever going to do without you. Frightens me even imagining it. I, I just couldnt
Im here, Tabitha promised, attempting to squeeze Mrs. Moores hand with her own. Cant leave. Too much to do.
Cant leavetoo much to do? Mrs. Moore repeated, wiping at her eyes. Oh, Sweetie. I love you.
Love you, Mom, Tabitha mumbled as she drifted back into unconsciousness.
* * *
Nothing here, either? Mrs. Seelbaugh failed to hide her disappointment. Nothing?
The Sandboro Mall was once again the first place her mother thought of to try to cheer Elena up, some small comfort or semblance of normalcy to interrupt the strange gloom her daughter had fallen into. Instead, each of their familiar shopping haunts filled her with disgust and self-loathing, and Elena glared across the racks of flannel and plaid in distaste and crossed her arms at the rows of distressed jeans on mannequin displays.
Can I just walk around on my own a bit? Elena asked.
Of course you can! Mrs. Seelbaugh quickly dug into her purse. Do you want some twenties, or
I dont need to buy anything, Elena shook her head, trying not to get annoyed. She knew her mother was doing anything and everything to help, she knew her Mom cared, just right now with her mood... every little thing was an aggravation that seemed to get under her skin. Elena needed some distance for a little while. From a lot of things. Just want to go around on my own.
Of courseI understand completely, Mrs. Seelbaugh acknowledged with a slightly pained expression. I was getting hungry anyways! Ill just grab a pretzel and sit at the bench by the fountain at the intersection there. Will you beum, will you please try not to go too far down the way? Please? Just the stores in sight of the fountain. Or, you cou
I wont go far, Elena promised, stepping in to give her mother the hug she knew the woman neededher Mom was positively radiating worry and concern. Thanks, Mom.
For the next thirty minutes Elena threaded her way through the aisles and racks of the nearby stores with a listless expression, examining the wares with detachment as she fought to distance herself from the Elena of before. The jewelry store held less interest for her than ever before, the shop filled with purses, wallets, and watches bored her, and looking at shoes seemed too old Elena. The Waldenbooks held promise and she knew there was escape somewhere in the hundreds of books arrayed on those shelves, but a peer of cheery teenage girls were babbling and gossiping there and the compulsion to leave overtook her.
Having no other stores left to explore and with her mother sneaking awkward glances in her direction from the bench by the fountain, Elena trudged despondently into the place she didnt belongthe Sandboro Malls Hot Topic. The despondent blonde almost scowled and walked right back out again the displays right in the entrance were all South Park merchandise and wrestling paraphernalia; black shirts with nWo or Austin 3:16 on them. Glancing around at the walls she saw band tees for Korn, Sublime, and No Doubt, also all on black shirts.
Why is everything BLACK, though? Elena thought to herself, already turning to leave.
Yeah, can I help you? the punkish young woman behind the counter said with reluctance. The girl looked completely absurd her hair was a garish shade of neon green and arrayed to taper into six-inch spikes that jutted out from her scalp in every direction. Between the spikes her roots were growing in a dull, ashy and damaged color. The Hot Topic employee was glaring daggers at her through eyeliner drawn on so heavily that Elena couldnt help but think of it as Halloween makeup, and both her lip and brow sported piercings.
Beside the employee behind the counter was a much older man perhaps her dads age, who wore a leather vest over a sleeveless band shirt and had tattoos running down both arms.
Hah, dont mind her! The older man barked out in a surprisingly cordial voice. What can we help ya find, Little Miss?
Um, Elena tried not to stare. I dont know. Im. I dont know, Im looking for a new me?
A new you? The man seemed to light up. Youve come to the right place!
No you havent, The punk girl disagreed in a deadpan monotone that reminded Elena of the MTV Daria cartoon. A new you isnt something one buys or puts a price tag on. Mr. Garys just trying to make a sale. Mindless consumerism is everything thats wrong with
Pardon my employee Ziggy hereshe gets a little confused, The man said with a good-natured chuckle. Im sure we have something here thatll be just what you need.
Elena couldnt help but stare at the punk girls nametag, which did indeed read Ziggy. Figuring she didnt have anything to lose, she let out a slow breath and decided to lay her cards on the table.
I dont really know what Im doing. I just dont want to be me anymore. I dont like who I was, and I want to distance myself from it, as much as possible? Elena mumbled out in embarrassment, gesturing across the dark apparel on display. I just. Dont know if all of this is me, either.
Youre right at that age where you need to figure out your identity, The manapparently Mr. Garynodded, stepping out from the central counter kiosk. Went through it all myself, we all do. The best advice anyone can give you is that real change comes from within.
Dont listen to him, Ziggy muttered under her breath. Hell use any bumper sticker sophism to try to sell you something.
Ziggy, please, Mr. Gary rolled his eyes. Go look busy or something, will ya? Anyways, as I was sayingreal change comes from within. Now, what does that mean, exactly? For other people, I couldnt tell ya. But, for me, that always meant music.
Oh, Elena said, glancing around the aisles. You sell music?
We do sell a bit of music, Mr. Gary admitted, looking up across the wall of band tees on display. Wouldnt recommend buying anything blind, though. Not at these prices, hah! Wont even suggest any bands for yamy tastes are pretty rooted in the time period I grew up in, and well, discovering the music that moves you is part of your own personal journey.
Wait, youre looking for music? Ziggys affected apathy disappeared. I can recommend you some
Oh, now you want to sell something?! Mr. Gary waved her off. Get outta here with your garage-band punko garbage.
Are you looking for music? Ziggy ignored her boss to fixate on Elena. What do you listen to now?
I... dont know. Normal stuff from on the radio? Elena shrugged. Staring at the punk girls giant green spikes, the sudden impulse to reveal something swept over her. I was actually thinking about cutting my hair real short, finding a, um. Totally different look. I... dont really know what Im going to do.
Well, definitely dont cut off all your hair, Mr. Gary snorted. You have great
You should shave it all off, Ziggy disagreed with enthusiasm. Or buzz most of it off, and then put the rest up in a mohawk, or spikes. My girlfriend Monique did my hair, I can write down her number for
Whoa there, slow down Ziggy, Mr. Gary laughed. If she ends up hating it, she cant exactly put it all back right away, you know?
Ugh, Ziggy let out a long-suffering sigh and rolled her eyes. You just dont get it, and youll never understand. Dont you have old man stuff to do? Corporate sellout paperwork or something in the back?
Tell ya what, Mr. Gary this time ignored Ziggy, opening up a plexiglass display case and tossing a small container over to Elena. For you; on the house.
Oh, and now youre GIVING AWAY product? Ziggy slapped both hands on the counter. Oh, so yeah its fine when you do it, but the second I even want to discount a
Ziggy, stuff itits my store, I do what I want, Mr. Gary shot back. Besides, its more like an investment. If she ends up liking it, shell want stuff to go with the new look, right? Pretty young girl decks herself out in Hot Topic merchandise, then shes a walking billboard for us to all her friends and admirers. Opens up a whole new market.
Whatever, Ziggy growled with obvious distaste. Youre not even my real dad. You disgust me.
Go take your smoke break, get outta here, Mr. Gary waved the employee off and turned back towards Elena. You go to school here in Sandboro? West Martin?
Um. Springton, Elena mumbled as she turned the little tub shed been gifted over in her handsit read Manic Panic, and purported itself to be semi-permanent black hair dye.
Dying her blonde hair black seemed great, like it would present a whole different Elena in the mirror. Exactly what she needed. Shed never thought of herself drawn to the subculture until this moment, but now the pull felt strong. Carrie and so many of the Springton High girls continued to wrap themselves in the preppie pop princess aesthetic anyways, adding appeal to the urge to redefine herself from blonde to black.
Maybe this is what I need?
* * *
Im going to dye my hair, Elena announced, taking the small tub of Manic Panic shed been hiding and planting it on the dinner table.
Elena Mr. Seelbaugh gave the hair dye a dismissive glance and then shot his daughter an incredulous look. No. No, absolutely not. Youre not dying your hair.
Mrs. Seelbaugh pursed her lips into a frown, staring at the Manic Panic as if shed been afraid itor something like itwould make an appearance soon.
Im either dying my hair black... or Im cutting it all off, Elena revealed her ultimatum, taking the pair of scissors shed nervously balanced across her lap and putting it on the table next to the tub of dye.
The effect it had on her parents wasnt dramatic like shed hoped. Instead, her Dad seemed disappointed, and was shooting his wife a look of consternation. He didnt seem to be taking her seriously, and that immediately put Elena on edge. If he made <i>any</i> sort of eye roll or joke or funny remark right now, she would be very, very upset.
What, have we been spoiling her too much? Mr. Seelbaugh barked out a stiff laugh. Does she think that
Mister SeelbaughId like to speak to my client in privacy for a moment, please, Mrs. Seelbaugh interrupted, folding her hands in front of her on the table.
It was an old family inside-joke, delivered now with little humor. Mr. Seelbaugh looked exasperated as he rose up out of his seat, and sent Elena a look that suggested he wasnt going to budge on the topic of her appearance. The mother and daughter sat in silence for a few long, tense moments after hed left the room.
Talk to me, Mrs. Seelbaugh murmured. Whats going on, Elena?
I want to dye my hair, Elena said. Black.
Black. Thats a big change, Mrs. Seelbaugh pointed out, gently taking the tub of hair dye so that she could examine its label.
I want a big change, Elena said. I need a big change.
Elena watched her mother read and reread the instructions on the semi-permanent hair dye in silence for several long minutes, fighting the urge to fidget or speak up again.
Are you going to need a new wardrobe? Mrs. Seelbaugh asked.
I dont know, Elena replied with a small shrug. I guess eventually. Not, like, right away or anything. I just
Ill help you dye your hair, Mrs. Seelbaugh decided. But. No tattoos, no cigarettes, no marijuana. Whatsoever. Youre still going with us to church every week. If you want piercings, or, or things like that, you need to discuss it with me first.
I I dont do drugs, Elena blurted out. At all. Ever. Not interested.
Alcohol? Mrs. Seelbaugh challenged.
Only with you, Elena said. Whenever we have glasses of wine.
Okay, Mrs. Seelbaugh seemed to relax slightly and let out a slow breath. Okay, good. No drugs of any kind, no needles. I want to know who you hang out with from now on, especially if any of them are drinking, or smoking, or anything like that. No pills. No huffing paint, or sniffing glue or any of that sort of stuff to get stoned or get high. Still no swearing. No wearing clown makeup.
Clown makeup? Elenas eyebrows rose in disbelief. Mom
I dont make this stuff up! Mrs. Seelbaugh held up her hands in defense. Melissas son David, hes all into the Insane Clown Posse or PCP or whatever it is with the clown makeup. Marijuana, too, he always smells like shit.
Mom, I just Elenas shoulders slumped. Im not turning into a bad kid or whatever. I just, I never. Ive never hated myself before. And, it hurts. I cant keep being the same Elena. It makes me feel sick. I want to change. The guy at the Hot Topic gave this to me for free, and said I should try listening to different kinds of music. I am, Im going to try that.
Oh. Oh, Honey Mrs. Seelbaughs eyes watered. What happened with Tabitha, the Halloween partynone of that was your fault. You know that. Weve talked about this. Weve talked and talked about this. Nothing that happened there
Okay. Okay, Elena snapped out. I do know that. I know that. But what I feel is that it was my fault. And what I feel hasnt changedisnt going to change. And it makes me hate me, makes me feel sick. Okay?
Elena had been bracing herself for serious resistance from her parents, had worked out arguments and counter-arguments along with her ultimatum well in advance. What she hadnt prepared herself for, however, was her mother bursting into tears across from her at the dinner table.
Mom Elena began.
Honey? Mr. Seelbaugh hurried back over into the room at the sound of his wife crying. What in the
Oh, piss off! Mrs. Seelbaugh sniffled, wiping her face on her sleeve. Im going to help dye Elenas hair, because shes got to reinvent herself! After that, her and I are going shopping. Shopping for everything. If I hear even one word out of you, questioning any of her choices about any of it, then Im dying my goddamned hair black with her! Okay?!
Yeah, I, uhno, everythings fine, Mr. Seelbaugh carefully backed out of the room. I justIll just
Piss off! Mrs. Seelbaugh sobbed. Justgo piss off!
* * *
Howre ya feelin today, Sweetheart? Mr. Moore asked, glancing over the moment Tabitha woke up.
Better, Tabitha said, trying to sit up. Much better.
Whoa whoa whoa, Mr. Moore leapt to his feet in alarm and hurried to gently press her back down onto her pillow. Not so fast, you needta be takin it easy still.
Okay, Tabitha relented, letting her father carefully tuck her back in. Sorry.
Nothin to be sorry for, Mr. Moore reassured her. I know youre gettin antsy. Just a few more weeks, they said.
I know, Tabitha nodded. Really want to be out of here before my birthday.
Well see, Sweetie, Mr. Moore said. You just focus on getting better.
Too much time to think, not enough time to do, Tabitha gave him a wry smile. Trying to be patient.
Well, you are a patient right now, sogood, Mr. Moore wise-cracked. Youve thought about what you want to do once you're out and about?
Ice cream, Tabitha answered without hesitation. I want to go out with you and Mom into Louisville somewhere and have ice cream.
Ice cream? Mr. Moore said in mock-surprise. What ever happened to your vegan or vegetarian nutritional diet or whatever?
Vegan?! Tabitha giggled. Dad. We had chicken all the time.
Chickens not vegan? Mr. Moores cocked an eyebrow in surprise, but she couldnt tell if he was kidding or not.
You might be thinking pescetariansthey can include fish in their diet, but not other meat, Tabitha laughed, trying to twist and stretch her limbs.
Presybterians, okay. Ill remember that, Mr. Moore chuckled. So which one of ems are the ones who eat chicken but are still eating healthy?
Us, I guess. Poor people? Tabitha shrugged. Frozen chicken breast is really cheap, pound for pound.
Tabitha were not poor, Mr. Moore said after a long, difficult moment of silence. Or, well, youre not poor. Theres a fair few cash settlements coming our way in a bit, were gonna get a college fund set up for you.
Dont, Tabitha blurted out, struggling to sit up all over again. Pleasedont. Dad, Im not going to college.
You need to get yourself a good education, Mr. Moore refused firmly, pressing her shoulder back down onto the hospital bed. We want you to
Im being one hundred percent, deadly seriousIm not going to college, Tabitha insisted, clamping her good hand around his wrist. Listen to me, please. Im not going. Please please please, dont do anything rash like put any of the settlements into a college fund.
Honey, you dont underst Her father sighed. Why dont we wait and talk about it again when youre feeling better?
No, I do understand, Tabitha said. I know more about rising tuition costs than anyone alive, I know what I need to learn to do what I want to do, and putting all that money and more importantly time into a degree wont help me at all. It will, in fact, significantly hurt my future. Please please please, trust me on this?
Honey Mr. Moore frowned. What brought all this about? Thought for sure youd be all on board with the college and university thing.
I appreciate your thoughts, Tabitha gave his wrist a squeeze. But, Id like it even more if we maintained a dialogue and regularly communicated about anything and everything pertaining to my future.
There it is. There you go again, Mr. Moore booped her on the nose. Your Momma told me to watch out for you to start talkin like that again.
Daaaad, Tabitha growled, swiping at his finger and missing. Im so seriousdont put the settlements into a fund, and dont put them into a savings account. Were going to need all that money. And soon.
* * *
Oh my GodElena?! Alicia mouthed in surprise. You dyed your hair?
Yeah, Elena admitted, looking back at her with an unreadable blank expression.
It was probably the most words they'd exchanged at once since Halloween. With no small amount of trepidation, Alicia awkwardly approached her former friend, who she'd spotted sitting way off by herself away from all of the other students disembarking from their busses and milling about the common areas before first bell. Alicia's recent epiphanies regarding her personal Tabitha situation had her feeling more nervous, self-conscious, and guilty to be around Elena than she'd ever been beforeshe still remembered what Elena had said back then, about not caring much for gays.
Well can I see? Alicia gestured impatiently at the hood of the dark Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie her friend had apparently started wearing. What brought this on?
With uncharacteristically stiff body language, Elena drew back the hood and stared at the ground, allowing her friend to inspect her new look.Self-conscious? Since when is ELENA ever self-conscious?
Elena? Alicia repeated. What brought this on?
Its... Elena muttered, glancing up for a moment before casting her gaze downwards again. You know.
Because of what happened? Alicia asked.
Elena responded only with a mute nod, and the now raven-haired teen hurried to put the hood of her sweatshirt back up.
It looks good, Alicia said, trying to sound supportive.
In all honesty, it did look great on Elena, but Alicia couldnt help but find it completely unsettling. The sudden change in style seemed too abrupt, and Alicia couldnt help but feel a little hurt by the apparent distance appearing between them.
Did our little JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS thing break up? Alicia wondered to herself with a sinking feeling. She like, just completely changed character. Melody Valentine suddenly switches to being Sabrina the teenage Witch out of nowhere. Okay, not OUT OF NOWHERE, I guess. Just. I mean, I dont HATE IT, I just wish Id been in the know? I guess we havent really been talking much at all since
Um, Alicia tried not to fidget. Were still friends... right?
Elena shrugged, and Alicia learned that such a nonchalant expression can harm someone just as much, or more, than biting words or glares of hatred.
Uh, Alicia felt stunned enough to rock back on her heels. Okay. That hurts.
No, no, Elena looked conflicted. I mean. Why would you want to be friends with me?
Oh, okayso youre just being stupid, Alicia retorted with a scowl, lunging in to wrap Elena up in a hug. Fuck. Not cool, Lena. Dont ever do that to me. We are friends. Okay?
Okay, Elena sniffled.
No, not okay,geez, what is it with you two? Alicia squeezed Elena as hard as she could. No thank you or okay. You say, yeah, were friends. Thats how this works. Duh.
Sorry, Elena squeaked out in a tiny voice, finally returning her hug. Ive been a shitty friend.
Shut the fuck up, Alicia felt herself start to smile. No, you havent. Ive been a shitty friend. I was just a littleyou know, surprised. Almost didnt recognize you now that youve gone all Lydia Deetz on me. I do still look for you every morning, you know I just. Thought you needed some space. You closed up.
Lydia Deetz? Elena asked.
From Beetlejuice. You know, Alicia released her friend and leaned back to take a closer look at Elenas features. Lydia Deetz. My whole life is a darkroom. One big. Dark. Room. Actuallywhy arent you wearing any makeup?
Um, Elena shrugged. Tried a little. Didnt like it.
Can I give you some eyeliner? Alicia asked. Just wanna try and see how it looks. Promise Ill be fast, we have like, five, six-ish minutes before first bell?
I guess, Elena said. Whatever.
Are you gonna be alright? Alicia wondered out loud. Ugh, stupid question. I mean; youre on this whole different everything, now. Whole different dynamic. Tabby gets us into crazy hijinks, Im supposed to be the snarky artistic weirdo girl. You were gonna be the one with social savvy I guess, who like, could talk to people and had that in with the popular crowd. Now, you have this sudden goth makeover.
What would Elena frowned, making a frustrated face at Alicia for a moment before turning her eyes back towards the ground. What would you do if your art hurt someone? Really hurt someone, someone that you care about? How would you react then?
Your having... social savvy or whatever isnt what got Tabitha hurt, Alicia refuted in a firm voice. Elena
I made her go, Elena gave another of her expressive shrugs. She didnt want to. I made her go. She shouldnt have been there at all. Its my fault.
No. No. No, Alicia shook her head, unapologetically beginning to rummage through Elenas backpack. Stuff was going on. Things. Between Tabitha and Erica. Its complicated and Tabitha has a big secret that makes it all weird and I think I probably need to talk to you about my own stupid secret that makes it all even more fucked up and where even is your little makeup bag thingie? Elena did you even bring it today?!
Big secret? Elena asked, staring at Alicia. Sorry. Outside pocket. New makeup case.
Your stuffs all gonna get smashed if you leave it in the outside pockoh, its in a little tin, now. This is cool, I like this one. All the little skullsawesome. Hot Topic?
Alicia, Elena warned in a grave voice. ...what secret?
( 26, No way forward and no way back. | RE: Trailer Trash | Next, 6 pt 7 )