Candy Gremlin Disease (Cuphead) (Patreon)

Cuphead and Mugman were ready for an epic Halloween night. This was going to be a tour de force to end the existence of all available candy in Inkwell Isle for the night.

“Come on, Cuphead. Why aren’t you ready yet?” Mugman called out, a brow raised as he stood by the door in his Woody get-up. It was a character from a film called Toy Story. It really spoke to him on an emotional level, you know?

“Give me a second Mugsy,” Cuphead called from the back. “It’s tough gettin' dis thing on…”

Eventually, he came out but with a cloak wrapped around him. Mugman raised a brow.

“Are you… a vampire?” Mugman asked.

“Nuh-uh. Dis ain’t the reveal yet. Just you wait. My grand entrance will be made once we hit de road and everyone can see,” Cuphead said, sneering with delight.

“... Okay,” Mugman shrugged and the two of them made their way outside.

They walked for quite a while on the road and managed to come across a pretty dark area. A huge silver fence blocking a lawn that looked like it hadn’t been cut in twenty years was right beside them.

“OKAY! I’m ready!” Cuphead blurted out suddenly, startling Mugman.

Mugman stopped to turn and look at his brother, wondering what the big deal was or why the reveal needed to be this long.

Cuphead giggled and then grabbed his cloak before springing it off his body. It fluttered in the wind as it landed behind him.

Cuphead grinned and did a dynamic pose in the open night air. All the other kids walking around stopped to look at the grand unveiling. These other brats were going to be ashamed and jealous of their life decisions indeed now that his brilliance had been made known.

Cuphead was dressed in a snack themed diaper, a pair of pink baby booties, a matching bib, a pacifier that appeared from seemingly nowhere, and a baby bonnet on his head!

Cuphead was going as a baby!

“HAHA! See that!” Cuphead blasted his voice aloud.

Everyone around stared...

It was quiet for an uncomfortably long time. 

The alert cup in the ridiculous costume got his response when they all began laughing profusely before continuing to walk.

He was dressed as one of those perverts that thought it was cool to use Halloween as an excuse to walk around in public and wet their diapers.

Cuphead began to sweat, a nervous smile creeping onto his face as realization of his probable mistake started to sink in.

Mugman leered at him. “Cuphead, what is that?”

“It’s… the best idea I’ve ever had, that’s what!” Cuphead said, still in that pose. He seemed to be frozen. The humiliation was wafting over him now. “It’s a foolproof plan.”

“What is? Dressing as a baby?” Mugman asked. “You sure you’re not going to regret this?”

“Dressing as a baby will net you the most candy! Foolproof plan! N-No regrets! None!” Cuphead was blushing now. The sweat on his face was palpable.

Mugman face palmed.

This was his brother and he had to live with it, everyday of his life.

—

So that was Cuphead’s brilliant plan. It was time to put it into action.

They arrived at their first house with their large empty buckets hungry for an assortment of candy. Mugman knocked on the door and it opened up, revealing a spoon woman with glasses inside.

“Oh! What lovely children!” She exclaimed.

Mugman got a torrent of candy dumped into his bowl.

Cuphead grinned, momentarily forgetting about his embarrassment as he licked his lips and held out his bowl.

“Oh! What a cute baby! I know just what to give you!”

Inside his bowl went a teething ring.

Cuphead grabbed it and held it up, staring at it like it was a gross worm. “Uh… lady, what is dis?”

“Don’t worry. One day you’ll be old enough to enjoy candy along with your wonderfully kind Big Brother. It was so nice of him to take you out trick or treating with him today.”

“Uuuuuhhhh–!” Cuphead trailed off.

Then the door was slammed in his face.

Mugman smiled at Cuphead, a sassy look on his face. “I hope that teething ring tastes like Sour Patch Kids.”

Cuphead just stared at the door, eyes wide and mouth in a small oval shape. 

He was flabbergasted.

The frustration he was feeling was palpable. He almost actually wet his diaper.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure it was just a fluke,” Mugman said, unwrapping one and popping it into his mouth. “Let’s try another door.”

The walked off with Cuphead slinging after him from behind like a zombie.

—

The next house they went to, Cuphead tried a different tactic.

He chewed and slobbered all over the teething ring the entire way there, out of complete frustration.

When the door opened, he spun around and did a cute little baby dance. His hands were on his knees and he swished them back and forth. He even did a little butt wiggle before stopping with a finger to his cheek, blushing all cutely.

The person at the door was a Muffin Man. He giggled and swooned at Cuphead’s performance and clapped his hands.

Cuphead bowed with his eyes closed and held out his bucket.

In it went a full bottle of baby formula.

Mugman’s bucket got the candy.

The door closed.

Cuphead’s eyes sprung open with the sound of glass shattering. The anger veins in them were a sign that his silent rage was fueling.

Mugman snacked on another bit of candy as Cuphead shook like an active volcano beside him.

Mugman licked his fingers and smiled at his brother. “Nice dance. I’m sure the talent scouts are on their way.”

Cuphead’s eye twitched.

“OKAY!” Cuphead snapped and rushed off the steps. “I know EXACTLY what to do!” he snapped, grabbing the baby bottle and thrusting it into his mouth, drinking it down in anger. He was going to get the most out of the garbage being handed to him.

—

The third house saw Mugman begin by trying to say “Trick or–!” but he was cut off by Cuphead who pushed him to the side and held up his candy bowl.

“Hi! I’m Cuphead! I’m not a baby! I’m dressed up as a baby! It’s adorable. I know. It means I should get extra candy. Thank you in advance!” He exclaimed, stopping with a toothy grin.

Mugman got up and stomped his way back to his side. “Yeah, what he said I guess.”

The person at the door was a large elephant woman. She smiled and used her trunk to lift up a torrent of candy.

She fired it into Mugman’s bowl first. Cuphead was momentarily downtrodden but then saw her reach for a different bowl and got more excited.

Into his bowl went a tube of toothpaste and some oatmeal packets.

“Your breath stinks. Your big brother should probably help you brush your teeth a little better.” She said and closed the door.

Cuphead stared at the door as Mugman had another piece of candy.

“I’m so happy that I’m the big brother in this scenario,” Mugman smirked. “So… this brilliant plan of yours. Success or the BIGGEST success? Eh?”

Cuphead was boiling.

His entire body was radiating heat and his entire person turned completely red.

He sprung off the steps and belted out a scream, the sound of a boiling tea-kettle going off and echoing through the cold Halloween night.

“GYAAAAAAAAH! &%$#!” He screamed and ran over to the next house. He grabbed the bottle of formula and continued sucking down on it.

The numerous doors they went to saw him doing this dance again and again. Each one he went to saw him collecting a new item but none of it, absolutely none of it, was candy.

About an hour into the night, the two of them rested on a wooden bench.

One was doing so after a rousing success. The one was marinating in abject failure.

Mugman’s bowl was towering over Cuphead’s while Cuphead sat beside him, looking like an alcoholic, squeezing the toothpaste he got down his gullet.

“If I use my imagination, it’s like one of dem candy syrup bottles…” Cuphead said, eyes frazzled beyond belief. He looked like he was losing his marbles.

“If you want I can share some of mi–” Mugman began and didn’t get to finish before Cuphead grabbed two handfuls of candy from his bucket and shoved them into his mouth!

He swallowed it whole, wrappers included, before grinning and giggling like a mad man.

“More! That last bite tasted too much like toothpaste and baby formula!” Cuphead demanded.

“Uh… you know, actually, maybe we shouldn’t share…” Mugman pushed his bowl away, growing more concerned with how unhinged Cuphead looked.

“What…? Why… why would you do that Mugsy?! Why would you offer your delectable treats and then take them away from me like this?! Is this some sort of sick joke?! Do you hate me?!” Cuphead snapped, eyes wincing as he continued to fidget. He looked like he was short-circuiting.

“Listen, maybe we could go by the store later and–!” Mugman tried.

“HALLOWEEN ISN’T ABOUT STORE CANDY!” Cuphead screamed, jumping on the bench. “Fine! If they don’t want to give a baby candy then whittle baby Cuphead is gonna STEAL IT!”

“Are you sure–?” Mugman kept trying to get in a word edgewise.

“Halloween is about giving people candy. It's free anyway! Who cares?!” He leaned in, a toothy grin almost as wide as his face on there.

He jumped down and ran down the street, squirting more of the baby formula into his mouth. It dribbled down his face as he began laughing like a maniac.

“Cuphead?! No! Cuphead, wait!” Mugman jumped down, carrying his full bowl out in front of him.

Something was wrong. Then again, Cuphead had a streak of going a little crazy when things didn’t go his way. Maybe this was just… abnormal normality?

Either way, he knew this was going to escalate and fast. It was stunning how instantaneous the carnage was.

Cuphead reached a building and basically jumped through a closed window. The screaming that happened inside as the house rocked before he kicked the door down, carrying a large bowl of candy was ear piercing and deeply concerning. He half wondered if those people were dead.

“GIMMIE THAT CANDY! BABY NEEDS CANDY!” Cuphead shrieked and laughed, dumping the bowl into his mouth before skipping on over to the next house.

He did the same thing and started to ransack the place before diving out the next window and rolling across the ground to a third house.

Mugman watched the carnage unfold and gulped before realizing what he had to do.

“LOOK OUT! IT’S THE CRAZED CANDY GREMLIN!”

“IT’S ON THE LOOSE! AAAH!”

“HE’LL COME FOR YOUR CANDY… AND THEN HE’LL COME FOR YOU!”

Candy Gremlin? What was that?

Mugman ran through the increased volume of panicked citizens. He looked out for Cuphead as best he could but then spotted another guy rushing by screaming about the "Candy Gremlin" again.

Mugman snagged him by his arm. "Excuse me sir but what is a Candy Gremlin?"

"You don't know?" The man, a tall horse guy, asked. He spun around to face Mugman, grabbing the now scared lad by his arms and pressing his face against his. "Candy Gremlins are what people become when they go through candy withdrawl on Halloween night. It's a terrible disease that turns you into--!"

Cuphead threw a couch through someone's wall and rolled out onto the street before tumbling down the road, laughing like crazy.

"THAT!" The man finished before dropping Mugman and rushing off.

Mugman was surprised. He half wondered if this was something someone made up but as he eyed his brother and remembered how snappy the shift in his demeanor was, he came to the realization that it probably was. Or if it wasn't, it didn't matter. He was acting crazy either way. 

Cuphead was going from door to door, making a bigger disaster after the next with reckless abandon. It was taking a while to catch up.

Eventually he did when one of the doors slammed in Cuphead’s face before he could rush inside. The cup smacked against it, eyes rolling and tongue out momentarily before he spun around all cuckoo and a tad bit more crazy then before.

The birdies circling around Cuphead’s head went away when he produced a chainsaw from behind his back. The tweeting birds got scared off thinking they might have been in for a bad time.

“LET ME IN!” Cuphead laughed, drooling all over himself now.

“CUPHEAD! STOP!” Mugman ran onto the scene with his arms out. It wasn’t a good idea to slide in front of someone with a chainsaw in hand though.

“OuT oF tHe WaY mUgSy! BaBy NeEdS mOaR cAnDy!” Cuphead giggled, having gone completely mental now.

“I know your big plan didn’t work out the way you wanted it to but violence isn’t the answer,” Mugman held out his hand. “There’s still time. Maybe you could go and wear a different costume–?”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET A BABY BONNET THAT FIT JUST RIGHT?! THEY’RE GONNA GIVE ME CANDY FOR THIS COSTUME AND THEY’RE GONNA LIKE IT!” He screamed and swished the chainsaw around Mugman.

Mugman winced and flinched a bit, expecting to be hacked to pieces.

Instead, his costume just slopped off onto the porch, leaving him in his polka dot boxers. “Guh…?”

Cuphead growled. “Now you’re making fun of me by showing off how much cooler your underwear is HUH?!”

“YOU did that, not me!” Mugman gasped.

“HIYAAAAAH!” Cuphead charged at Mugman with the chainsaw raised.

He’s lost his mind.

Fine. He’ll have to beat him back to his senses.

Mugman ducked and swung his foot up to nail Cuphead in the chin!

Against their will, the birdies returned and he dropped his dangerous weapon. It cut the door in half behind him but whatever.

With Cuphead soaring off the porch, Mugman jumped and dived at him, getting him trapped in a fight cloud that barrowled down the streets. They bumped into plenty of obstructions along the way before smashing into the trashcans right outside the last house at the end of the block.

When they uncurled from the fight cloud, Mugman stood tall over his crazed brother. Cuphead was laid out flat, eyes spinning and tongue out. Now the birdies were joined by stars and they danced together with little jack-o-lanterns lighting the way around his cracked head.

“You need a time out mister!” Mugman snapped, raising Cuphead by his armpits and slapping his face repeatedly.

“Bwuahagh… buh… buh candy…!” He whined, shoving the pacifier back into his mouth and sucking on it fiercely.

At that moment, a crowd of angry kids formed around them. Mugman’s eyes got big as he looked over at the rest of the onlookers. They were fishing for their stolen candy back, no doubt.

Mugman got serious and dropped Cuphead onto his butt before pointing ahead at them.

“Now you’re going to apologize to all the folks you just robbed!” Mugman said.

“I stole from the houses, not the kids!” Cuphead snapped.

“Same thing! No one else can get any candy because of you!” Mugman snapped, yanking the mountain of candy Cuphead napped from the hammerspace behind his back. He dumped it in a gargantuan pile off to the side where Cuphead’s eyes widened and sparkled looking upon it.

“I… f-fine…!” Cuphead stood up, looking defeated as he stepped forward and cleared his throat. He then put a hand to his chest and belted out what he sincerely felt. “I… am sorry. I’m truly sorry that none ah yous… COULD COME UP WITH A COSTUME AS BRILLIANT AS MINE! HA! SEE! I GOTS ALL DAH CANDY! AN’ YOUS GOT NUTTIN! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Mugman winced and began backing away, slowly.

“Why you–!” One of the kids snarled, and cracked his knuckles.

“Why is that baby trying to steal candy anyway?” Another one said.

Cuphead’s eyes widened at that. “I-I’m NOT an actual BABY!”

“He needs a spanking!”

“He needs more than that!”

Cuphead shivered and drooled all over himself, now hysterical again.

“I’M NOT A BABY! I DON’T NEED NO PANKIN’! Y-YOU CAN’T!” He screamed. “REALLY! I’M NOT–!”

His fear and frustration was cranked up past 11 the more people started to surround him.

He was feeling the massive weight of consequences for his actions descending on him.

Oh no! He was out of formula to suckle on out of stress! Where’d it all go?!

Hissssssss~!

Cuphead blushed and his wide eyes somehow got even wider. He glanced down and saw his diaper expanding and sagging in the front.

Oh. That’s where the formula went.

The kids momentarily stopped advancing on him. Then they began pointing and laughing.

“AHAHAHAHA! BABY! BABY! LOOK AT THE WITTLE BABY!”

Cuphead heard the laughter ring out. It echoed across the night sky and smacked him across the face.

A night of denial had done nothing.

No one believed him.

Baby!

It kept smacking him in the face, over and over again.

BABY! BABY! BABY! HE WAS A BABY!

BABY! BABY! BABY! CUPHEAD IS A BAAAAAABYYYYY!

Cuphead’s eyes swirled again before something snapped.

His brain seemed to just break into pieces.

“Ha… HAHAHAHAHA! HEHEHEHE~! Me’s a BABY! I’M A BABY! BABY CUPHEAD WENT POTTY IN HIS DIAPEE! WEEEEEE!” Cuphead giggled and exclaimed, spitting and slapping at his cheeks like a crazy person.

This momentarily stunned the kids… but they shrugged and kept advancing on him. He claimed he wasn’t one so that gave them probable cause to still beat him up.

Mugman watched as the crowd of angry Trick or Treaters descended on his cuckoo crazy brother. He winced and shirked away a bit when the fight cloud returned, only far bigger and lasting far longer than the one he initiated with his bro from earlier.

When the beating stretched on longer than ten minutes, Mugman thought about stepping in to break it up but thankfully it stopped.

The kids all snagged what they wanted from the convenient mountain of candy and scampered off into the night.

Meanwhile, Cuphead was left destroyed on the street, spread-eagle and in a soaking wet diaper. His cracks and bruises were all over the place. Now the birdies, stars, and jack-o-lanterns were joined by sentient diapers. All of this swirled around his head as he giggled on the ground.

Mugman approached him and looked down at his bro. “Are you… uh… okay?”

“BABY CUPHEAD MADE POTTY! NEED NEW DIAPEE!” Cuphead sat up, eyes rolling and thumb in his mouth soon after.

“Uh–” Mugman was about to interject when someone tapped him on his shoulder.

He looked behind him and saw a bunch of guys in white coats.

“Is this the Candy Gremlin we’ve been hearing about tonight?” One of them asked.

Mugman blinked. “Uh… I… guess?”

One of them turned to the other guy that was there and nodded.

Within seconds, before Mugman even knew what was happening, Cuphead was put into a straight jacket and loaded into the back of a truck.

Cuphead giggled endlessly while drooling all over himself, having gone completely insane due to candy withdrawal. It was quite the serious diagnosis. Also totally real.

“BaBy’s GuNnA gEt CaNdY aT cWaZy PeRsOn’S hOosKow! DUUUH!”

The door closed on him and then they were off.

Silence.

Mugman stood there, alone and in his boxers, with the wind wafting by.

He shivered a bit and grabbed his candy, having one last piece before remembering something important.

“Oh yeah. I save half of this to eat all year. I probably could have split it with him.”

Hmm.

Oh well.

Too late now.

He’d visit his brother later, with candy and a fresh diaper in tow for the whittle baby.

—

First Halloween story has been completed. Candy withdrawal is a serious disease that turns trick or treaters into crazy candy gremlins. Stay alert or you’ll end up in a straight jacket too. Eat plenty of candy to stave off this horrible condition. You’ve been warned.