Patreon Pin Up 4/18/22 (Patreon)

This here is my take on Ranni the Witch from Elden Ring, and I can't be sure, but this may be the most I've ever deviated from a character's base design for sexy pin up conversion purposes. Anyhow what follows here are my lengthy thoughts on the game, now that I've just recently finished it. Honestly, I couldn't spoil this thing if I wanted to (more on that later) but if you haven't played it and want to go in totally blind, this was your warning.

In short, I think Elden Ring is the best game I've played in years. A game needs two elements to truly addict me: one is a daunting challenge, and the other is a gameplay loop that revolves around preparing for the challenge. Throw in a seemingly boundless world full of secrets to uncover and it might be a good idea to come check on me every now and then to be sure I'm remembering to eat. 

So, Elden Ring is a "souls" game, a term used to describe a signature template employed by developer From Software in many of their flagship titles. Souls games are known for their brutal difficulty, labyrinthine environments, terrifying monster designs, and sniffy elitist fans mewling about how the rest of us are playing them wrong somehow. The infamous difficulty of souls games are often a turn-off for many, myself included. I usually make it about halfway through the average souls game before the rage quit comes around. I got barely two hours into Sekiro before telling it to go straight to hell. There are six official souls games that I know of, and only one of them (that being Bloodborne,) grabbed me strongly enough to see through to the end. Odds were good I wasn't going to like Elden Ring, but the hype train was so massive, I picked it up on day one all the same. 

I played it for about two hours, and then tried to return it the next day. I hated this thing. I tried two different starting classes and got my ass kicked inside out with both of them. I stumbled into a trap early on that warped my level-zero scrub to a murderously difficult late-game area, and as I had just started playing, I had no idea how to return to where I had the slightest chance of survival, and my character was, as far as I knew it, bricked. As a physical games collector, it takes a lot for me to return a game, but I was so disgusted I didn't want this scrap of garbage plastic tainting my library.

Walmart didn't accept the return, so I was stuck with it. It sat on the edge of my desk, taunting me, for a few days after that. Eventually my somewhat miserly worldview began to take hold. If I was out fifty bucks, I was going to try and squeeze some enjoyment from this purchase, goddammit! I decided to give it one more try. 

Almost two months and ninety-nine hours(!) later, here we are. I think what truly separates Elden Ring from the average souls experience is quite obviously the game world itself. Not just for the endless secrets I mentioned or the insane variety of enemies and environments to discover, but the purpose it serves in tempering the trademark difficulty. In Dark Souls, if you get your face stomped by a boss, your choices are either simply try again, or spend time mindlessly killing easier enemies to grind experience if you want any kind of edge on your next attempt. A tedious slog that hurts the pace of the game. In Elden Ring, when your face is inevitably stomped, you can just pick a different direction to set off in, and find hours of unique adventures that serve the purpose of making you stronger. This goes a long way towards making the game more accessible without sacrificing the challenge.

Is Elden Ring perfect? No, of course it isn't. It kind of runs like butt, for starters. Your mileage may vary depending on where you play it, but on PS5, even in performance mode, I was seeing texture pop-in in some areas like the game was running on an Xbox 360 in 2008. (Which is something, I'll note, that most of those perfect-ten review scores out there fail to mention.) Also, the story. For crying out loud, the story. Why the hell would you hire George R. R. Martin, likely the most expensive writer in the world, to contribute to your story, only to tell that story in the most obtuse way possible!? After a full playthrough, extensive and thoughtful discussion with friends, several hours of lore breakdown essays on Youtube, and a night class at my local community college, I think I finally have a vague understanding of the story. I know this particular narrative style has its fans, but for me, it's obnoxious to be expected to stop the game, stop the fun, to examine every sweaty leather boot you find for clues as to the mysterious past of its owner. (And lord help you should you confuse Radahn with Radagon, good sir, or Godwyn with Godrick or Godfrey!)  

But these are nitpicks at the end of the day. The performance was never bad enough for me to affect the action, and as I get older I find I have less patience for intrusive narratives anyway. I think Elden Ring is about making your own stories to tell, and that's probably the thing I like most about it. If you've read this far without getting bored, I bet you've got your own experience to share! If so let me know in the comments, and I hope you're having a good Monday!