Quick (actuallynotsoquick) Update (Patreon)

Hi there baahbies,

Some of you may be aware that since I've come back from my trip to help out my parents (which was supposed to be at least a little relaxing), I haven't quite been the same. I haven't been creating as much, I haven't been talking as much, and I haven't been updating. I apologize for my overall silence on that front.

To update you all, my trip was not exactly a fun one. All the funds I generated before I left were essentially ALL used up from the drive (15 hours solo one-way there, 15 hours solo one-way back), lodging, helping my parents with basic necessities, and general life stuff (I should be allowed to have when I'm trying to have a vacation.) So, I'm glad that I did manage to make a good sum before taking off. 

I didn't expect to be in Iowa for two weeks either. When I got in, I was meant to help my parents move house. Since the house is on the same land, they have to empty out the old house (which in a state of disrepair essentially) and demolish it one way or another to avoid taxes or some such fees. Well, the house was in a complete state of just .... Disaster. Without too much detail, there was A LOT of clutter -- a lot. Things just couldn't be saved, some things were beyond expired, some things just got destroyed by mice, fell into disrepair over the years, or just needed to be outright tossed. 

My parents' health is not great. My mom has had 2 strokes and my dad has been through a heart attack + stint. They've had their ups and downs but as my dad is getting back to moving around more often again (it was driving him nuts to sit still) things just haven't been the same. 

If you know anyone who has gone through a life-altering event that leaves you needing help and therapy to just get around, it's not fun. I did miss them, but I found that it was difficult to make the hard decisions for them. Since my mom hadn't been to the upstairs or basement in a long time, she just didn't understand how badly things had gotten. And of course when you're used to living a certain way, you just don't understand how things could be messing you up or effecting you. This was such a case. 

When I tell you that I didn't get a moment to really rest until the last couple of days that I forced myself to just take a breather and hang out with them, I mean it. There was so much to sort through, so much to toss, so much to try to save, and so much to clean. Everything was a mess. Everything my dad had already done -- by himself -- was moved into the new house, but it was dirty so I had to clean the items and the house. They had mostly new appliances in the new house, but kept a few old ones that ought to have been thrown out for sanitation sake. I had had to be the one to tell them that as well. So, a lot of funds went to things that made their lives a little bit easier. I want to make sure they're comfortable like they did for me when I was growing up. 

The hardest part was relaying to my  mom that some things just couldn't be saved. Some things that were handed down, things that meant a lot to her. They were just destroyed by time or animals. I had lost several things, myself. I found a number of things that I had missed out on or forgotten about. Some good, some bad (really bad)

That's part of why I've been quiet. Partially because it was tough seeing my parents that way --- I didn't know they were in such a state.. I hadn't seen them since before covid. And of course they're older and they're proud. They didn't want me to know or worry. They didn't want to ask for help. And when I tell you that it was my dad doing things alone until I showed up (I'm an only child)... It was rough. He didn't know what to save, the relationship was rough on some fronts. Lots of stress from moving and health. I'm worried about them and I wish I could do more. I'm kind of in my own head over what I should do, what I could do to help.

I had to kind of help them find themselves, be strong, and pull them out of a funk. I was worried I hadn't, but upon making a couple of appointments, cleaning so so so much, and giving them little refreshers here and there, I think they were able to find that light. Since I left, they've been setting up their own stuff. They have someone to clean house now and they so desperately need that. My cousin offered to come help them continue to move (we'll see if that even works out) which is nice. And they do have a group of people to carry the big stuff out which is all still left to grab. I just hope they cut back the hoarding. I had to help them try to let things go and just be okay with it.

The other part behind why I've been quiet is having been reminded of some seriously troubling reminders of my past. It's way too difficult to talk about, but just know that it's been beating me up. I thought I could get through it, but at the moment of me remembering some of these issues, I legitimately knew I would need to talk to someone. I just can't do it on my own; I'm big enough to admit that I need assistance in getting over this gigantic hurdle in my life.

So, I've been super quiet because some days are so much harder than others. Some days I just don't know how to function or get through a day. Some days I just can't work it out and it's hard to even get up. I'll pull out my tablet and start to doodle and I just... Stop and I can't keep going. I've tried self-care and I've tried to just TRY to get something done. Anything. And it's been leaving me feeling miserable and exhausted in every way possible and I can't just keep sitting on it anymore. 

I'm burnt out and I feel like I used all of my positivity and happiness to fuel everyone else and help them carry on.

People have been asking me if they can help or offering to listen, but it's just way too much and it's way too personal and I'm really not okay, but I'm trying my best. I'm doing my very very best to fight my way through this. I've been through some shit in my life, but I guess this just absolutely punched me in the soul. I don't know, bud.

I just wanna thank everyone who's offered to talk or listen or generally perk me back up. It really means a lot to me that y'all care and it helps. Every little bit of love helps and that's all I can ask for and it means the absolutely world to me that I have support from some of the best fuzzy friends I could ask for. 

Thank you baahbies...

~Queenie <3