Boogiegirl Commission WIP (Patreon)

I am still figuring out how to ride the line between simplicity and detail. As a student I was drawn to complexity and slick rendering, looking up to people like Senna Diaz and Calm. But as I began to pursue erotic illustration as my career, I started prioritizing speed and efficiency - at first, just to make the time after my day job, at which I also focused on speed so as to (theoretically) avoid long hours. Of course, this just meant I got handed MORE work, meaning I worked long hours by day and night in which I was always going all out, full speed. Talk about burning the candle at both ends.

In my personal work, I still felt a compulsion to render and polish, add detail, complexify. I was both compelled by my innate interest in paintery work, and by a dire need to “prove myself” by making art that was clearly something that took a lot of time and effort. Essentially, doing things the hard way on purpose to prove I was a “real” artist. (Deep down, I think I was trying to impress my folks so they would take my passion sincerely for once. Oh well.)

Anyway, yeah, I ended up a person who worked at a feverish pace- using every hack, shortcut, and trick I knew - but still put in insane hours. My body took a real beating as I contorted it to hold a rigid posture, hand hovering over the keyboard shortcuts, stylus ALWAYS moving. I’m still recovering from the various RSI problems all that caused - hell, some of them are probably gonna be life-long companions at this point.

This past year, especially my time in the Emotional Resilience Program, finally brought my attention to this self-harming perfection cycle, and to the pain it caused me and those around me. My compassion for myself grew to the point I could no longer abide by demanding 50+ hours a week of nonstop, frantic productivity that left my mind and body in shambles while I put on a smiling face and a cheery persona every day on Twitter. 

I breathed into those spaces and started letting the tension go.

I’m still doing that today, as I look at this WIP. I’m sitting on the floor in my bedroom - my wife and I are both recovering from our COVID boosters and flu shots, and I’ve spent most of the day trying to relax my aching body and let my mind wander. After watching some anime, I decided to cast my eye over this WIP and put down my thoughts. And I think sharing them with my patrons feels good, so I’m posting it here.

Thing is, I think this is one of the commissions I took last year, before I fell apart, or else during the time when I was trying to hold on even as everything slipped. The person who started it was a complete mess, dissociated from her body most of the time, trying desperately to please both herself and her toxic, transphobic family. She switched masks several times a day, blamed herself for every difficulty of her life, and rarely gave herself room to breathe unless forced to.

I’ve come so far.

This background, and the figure I’ll be painting soon - I am so tempted to go in, iron it all out, polish it to perfection, and to chain myself to the iPad until it’s done. Whip myself with fear and dread, scare myself shitless with the phantom of hunger and eviction, draw deep from the “dark side” and ruin my body and mind in the name of “catching up.” But I love myself a lot, lot more than that.

So I’m gonna be gentle. Take my time, take breaks. Yes, I have a weekly deadline, and yes, that means I will have to miss out on things, probably be working quite long hours when they’re all added up - but I’ll also be taking breaks, going on walks, stretching, eating good food. Taking weekends off so I can rest my body and my eyes.

Before, I worked hard to prove myself, and would not let myself rest until I had passed the test. Now, I work hard to support myself, because I have nothing to prove at all.