The Green Gamer Guys: Best Of Episode (Patreon)

I had today off from work to burn some vacation hours. I started on some of the voted stories, but I ended up flowing back to some ideas for this one. I’ve had it going for a while, as usual, and it’s always a really easy and fun bit of writing and worldbuilding. Three gamer guys (Skrat the goblin, Gruul the orc, and Xataeus the incubus) from my modern monstergirl setting explore news, games, how the media presents monsters, and their general sexcapades and memes. I had a few unconnected ideas for them to talk about, so I figured a best of montage would be the best way to use them.

Not sure if it’s my attention span or less usable free time, but I realize I’ve been doing these montage, short mix of stories more lately. Not a bad thing, but just something I’ve picked up on that seems decently popular at times. But I always shine with dialogue, so these three bozos bouncing off each other and a clear voice and general basis for them with the Super Best Friends helps that out. Planning to get more work done today, if not a whole other post.

The audio for the episode started with Gruul’s friendly and patient tone. The stocky orc gamer set things up before their usual theme music.

“Hey, gang. Just a heads up. No new episode this week. Skrat is out visiting family where they don’t have steady wifi, and Xats is out with banishment sickness. So we put together this episode as a compilation of our best of clips, picked out by us and the fans. If you’ve got anybody you’re trying to introduce to our stuff, this might be a good way to show us off. Otherwise, you can always enjoy our classic bits and brand-name idiocy. We should have something for you next week as usual, so thanks for bearin’ with us. Stay safe out there.”

---

Xataeus: “No, you fucking idiot. It’s poison damage.”

Gruul: “Only if you’re there for like two rounds. And then you may as well just be stabbing them. All out DPS, you’re gonna want acid damage because it lowers their defense and that keeps stacking.”

Skrat: “This is why I don’t do a lot of JRPGs. They always find a way to make you do math.”

Xat: “Yea, but they have big anime titties.”

Skrat, with a Russian accent: “Beeg American titties.”

Xat: “But I’m not letting this go. The raw numbers on poison damage are higher than the acid damage.”

Gruul: “But the defense-”

Xat: “I’m… Gruuls? I’m not talking about the debuff or the DPS or whatever. I’m just saying the damage.”

Gruul: “Then you are not even having the same conversation as me right now! What are we even doing?”

X: “Arguing because arguing is funny?”

G: “That’s it. I’m just gonna flip the table. For real this time.”

X: “NOOO!”

G: “I’m done!”

X: “The sound equipment, you piece of shit!

S: “Do it!”

X: “Not with the mics fuckin’ on it!”

S: “I’ll pay for ‘em! I wanna see this shit!”

X: “Just because I’m right and Gruuls can’t do math!?”

G: “Okay!”

G: *deep grunting that turns into breathless straining*

X: “Oh my god.”

S: “I caught the mic!”

X: “You guys can’t see what just happened… but Gruul just… did his very best trying to lift the table and just got really winded.”

S (laughing): “No! Actually Gruuls just bench pressed it over his head and every pussy in a mile radius just exploded from his his strong muscles.”

G: “Look, man… I’m a podcaster first and an orc second. When did they start making tables tgis heavy…?”

S: “Cuz I broke the old cheap one.”

G: “How can I lift Skrat and not this skinny-ass table?”

X: “Because Skrat is a goblin! He’s built like a water balloon full of piss!”

S: “But the piss keeps me warm.”

——

X: “I stop by the alley to check my directions and there’s this foot tall lady with her dress falling off and a broken shot glass. She starts waving it around and  yelling at me in French.”

G: “This is what happens when you program roguelikes into Canada. You get shit like this.”

S: “You get random encounters with a coked up Quebecer fairy threatening you with a shot glass.”

G, in a shrill voice: “You’re about to get shot!”

X: “But you don’t have a gun!”

G: “The other kind of shot, motha fucka!”

S: “Is this like… the worst thing you could imagine waiting for you in a dark alley?”

G: “No. Absolutely no.”

X: “Well pop quiz, hotshot. What is the worst?”

G: “Speaking as an orc? An orc.”

S: “With no favoritism whatsoever, you say!?”

G: “I’m serious. I hear stories, man. We don’t do great if we’re stuck and cornered in like, a cramped space like that. We literally have to move.”

S: “Cuz I was gonna say an ogre or a goblin. Goblin because you can assume there’s even more goblins down there. Ogre, though, at least there’s a chance he’ll just get stuck in the alley.”

X: “Not a werewolf? Cuz best case scenario, you’re still coming out of that being like ‘I gotta go buy some pills now.”

S: “Xat’s greatest fear; spending twenty bucks.”

X: “I mean it’s a dark alley. I’m probably getting mugged, so where am I gonna get those twenty dollars?”

G: “Ok but what if… what if the werewolf’s givin’ you the eyes?”

X: “What?!”

S: “Yea, what if it’s a sexy seductive werewolf down a dark alley? Like there’s sexy saxophone music playing over her and she’s like ‘Yoohoo~!”

X: “I’d say why am I in a cartoon world?”

G: “Some kind of cartoon witch’s curse?”

S: “I’ve met Cartoon Witch. He’s cool. We collabed before.”

X: “The point is, I’m fucking that cartoon wolf.”

G: “And it’d be like throwing a fairy down an alley.”

---

G: “So basically they were underpaying the staff to keep embezzling more by claiming it was in their paychecks, but the checks weren’t going through all the way”

S: “Sounds like more shitty boss stuff to me.”

X: “What is it about video game developers that make them all want to do crimes? Like, basically all of them? Where it’s weird when a company DOESN’T cause someone to die or lose their humanity a little more?”

G: “I’ll tell you why.”

S: “Why’s that?”

G: “It’s those damn violent videogames. Teaching them how to do crimes with their Street Thief Autos and them Street Fightings.”

S: “I can’t tell if you’re doing an out of touch old man impression or a guy who knows these very specific, very obscure parody games impression.”

G: “Little of both. But if you think that’s all we have for news related to game crimes…”

S and X together: “GAME CRIIIIMES~!”

G: “Whoa!”

S and X together: “Game crimes! Game crimes! Game! Game! Crimes! Crimes!”

G: “Did you plan this?!”

X: “Nah, we just felt the spirit flowin’ through us!”

S: “The spirit of game crimes!”

X: “Our lord and savior!”

S: “Providing us content for hours an episode sometimes!”

G: “...so you guys are worshiping crime? Is that what I’m hearing?”

X: “A man’s gotta eat, Gruuls. And if these guys end up getting caught and we get to laugh at them while giving listeners the content we want? Everyone wins.”

G: “Except game designers.”

S: “If they’re not making enough money, they should get more into gaaaame crimes~!”

---

S: "You see the new elf character they teased for Backalley Beatdown?"

G: "Oh my god. I would absolutely smash that."

X: "You sure about that, Gruul? You know elves can't fit that much in them, right?"

G: "We'll figure it out! That's what elasticity potions are for."

S: "And the whole time we're just like Scotty in the back going 'It's too much, Gruuls! You gotta pull out!"

X: "You're entering her vaginal atmosphere too quickly! You're breaking up!"

G: "Why are you guys there while I'm doing this?"

X: "Because we're piloting you. Like a mech."

S: "We're piloting Gruuls like the giant sex mech that he truly is!"

G: “What are we all besides sex mechs?”

X: “Who occasionally shoot our copilots out to take over and build another mech in somebody else. …wait, what kind of mechs are we talking about now?”

S: “Sex mechs.”

X: “Where the fuck did that come from?”

S: “You’ve been watching the wrong animes, Xat.”

---

X: “You guys play the new Godslayer?”

S: “Nah, I’ve been out for a couple games.”

G: “I got it but haven’t dug deep into it.”

X: “Dogshit.”

G: “Oh? That’s not what all these 9’s and 10’s from the reviews are saying.”

X: “Reviews are double dogshit and you know it.”

G: “Just playing devil’s advocate.”

X: “Leave that to the actual devils, Gruuls. We’re professionals. We’re professional game reviewers and I’m saying that reviews are dog shit.”

S: “Technically we only review things because it’s part of the podcast. It’s not like people are paying us to review the games like everyone else.”

X: “Yea, we’re only half dogshit. We’re mostly stupid.”

S: “Stupider like a FOX!”

G: “Stop proving him right.”

S: “NEVER!”

---

G: “In other news, everyone’s talking online about the new designs on Kalgor…”

S: “Are they? I haven’t heard anyone cackling mockingly and exceeding their character limit with laughter.”

X: “I don’t get it.”

G: “Have you not seen this?”

X: “I ain’t seen shit. I was streaming all through the morning.”

G: “You gotta… one sec. For folks who don’t know, Kalgor was the original hero… anti-hero, rather, in Rent Asunder. They replaced him in the last two games with the characters of Sinn and Gauge. But the team at Darklight were talking about bringing back the demon warrior Kalgor for the next games but they’d have to make a whole new model because of the new system software. So…”

X: “HOLY SHIT!”

G: “Right!?”

X: “That’s some hot fuckin’ garbo!”

S: “Sexy, smokin’ hot garbo!”

X: “Who thought this was a good idea!? He’s like a weirdly smooth fatass.”

G: “People who supposedly do this for a living.”

X: “Fucking Shrek-ass bitch.”

G: “Wow. I guess if you say it that way.”

S: “With a sentence made entirely out of swears.”

G: “Wait…”

X: “Huh?”

G: “Are you… Skrat are you saying that ‘Shrek’ is a swear word?”

S: “Isn’t it?”

X: “I’m sorry, I’m too busy laughing at this dumpy character design. What’s happening?”

G: “Okay… how serious are you when you’re saying ‘Is Shrek a slur?”

S: “I mean… it’s not NOT… like I was a dumbass when I said that but now I’m thinking about it. Like how would any of us feel if somebody called you a Shrek?”

X: “I try not to think about other peoples’ feelings, Skrat. You know this about me.”

S: “Okay, but imagine if I did.”

X: “Well then imagine if I’d fuckin’ cut you, Skrat.”

S: “SEE!?”

G: “Maybe we just promise not to call each other a Shrek.”

X: “But he’s nothing like an actual ogre except that he’s strong!”

G: “I think that makes it worse!”

S: “Gang… did we all get Shrek’d?”

G: “Shrek’d… with wisdom.”

---

G: “It’s been a busy couple of weeks. Sorry for the lack of contact.”

X: “Yea, real wild.”

S: “Yea, I haven’t felt this busy since my mom died.”

G: “Y… hang on.”

X: “Skrat?”

G: “Skrat, we’ve met your mom.”

X: “Do you have a ghost milf?!”

G: “Ghost milfs haunting on your dick!?”

S: “What? No. She’s fine. She died when I was super young, but they brought her back. Something with experimental time and healing magic. It was the first time they’d tried it on a patient. But she was technically dead for a few minutes. She likes to tell that story. Told it to my sister Skratchel knows it by heart cuz she told her about it on the way back from the hospital.”

G: “I just… learned a lot.”

X: “Man… how is this not only the first time I learned you had a sister… but first time learning that you have an entire family named Skrat?”

S: “Huh?”

G: “He means Skrat, Skratchel…”

S: “Ohhh! Oh nah, we’re the only ones. I mean, the only Skrats in the family. Named after my dad, cuz his name was Skrarther…”

G: “Oh you’re the only ones in the family with ‘ska’ in your names.”

X: “I mean we all have ska in our hearts…”

S: “I mean I’ve got like seven sisters and only one’s a Skrat. That’s pretty generous of them, I think.”

X: “You’ve got how many?!”

S: “Seven… and a half, cuz one of them got married. But yea, mom had two litters of eggs, three and then four. There’s me, there’s Skratchel.”

X: “The Skrat twins. Right.”

S: “There’s Bink, Honnie, Skorla…”

G: “Yea, we spent that night at Skorla’s place when we went to Gain Con… nice lady. Low ceilings, if you ask me.”

X: “Explains why you spent the whole time in his sister’s bed while you were there.”

G: “Friendly reminder to listeners and my fiance that Xats is full of it.”

X: “Full of handsome truths. Yes.”

S: “Suhnee, Gorja, Meeka… and Jem.”

X: “Wait a sec… Jem?”

S: “It’s spelled with a J.”

X: “No, not that. I’m just… is Jem a common goblin name?”

S: “I mean it’s traditional or whatever. Most of our names were.”

X: “Just cuz I uh… KNEW a goblin named Jem.”

S: “What, like you hung out?”

X: “No, just like… I knew her. We weren’t dating, but I knew her.”

G: “Knew her like… several times?”

X: “I mean I’m trying to spare Skrat from saying I may have fucked his sister.”

S: “Bro?”

X: “Hey, I didn’t marry her or nothin’. I’m not your bro yet.”

G: “But you’re saying you could be his pop.”

X: “Not how sisters work, Gruuls.”

G: “Nah, I just wanted to plant that seed.”

S: “Dude… I’m a goblin with seven sisters. We goblins know how goblins work. I’d be a little more surprised if I met someone who grew up around them and DIDN’T sleep with one of them. I mean the noises that happened when they had a sleepover…”

X: “You heard him, folks. Skrat gives you permission to bang his seven sisters.”

S: “I didn’t say PERMISSION!”

G: “I heard the phrase ‘invites you to bed them.”

S: “HEY!”

---

G: “Just one thing I wanted to get out of the way… heh… that’s real important.”

S: “Something from a certain email where we accidentally memed?”

G: “You know it. Check it out, because there was a series of clips that were datamined off the new Negabeasts demo. Apparently a programmer left in some recordings of the chief of staff ‘using specist slurs while admitted to criminal activities involved in their previous game.’ Now I was hopeful for the game, but there’s stuff about undercutting the staff’s pay, stealing assets from other canceled games without permission…”

S (casually): “Gruuls, that is tragic. If only there was some way we could… I dunno. Soften the blow of this illegal means of creating fun video games.”

G: “Well you can thank our fan Trim Diggins for sending us this…”

*a remixed song using the various chants and shouts of “game crimes!” plays over the podcast*

X: “I almost spat out my coffee at the little beat drop in the middle…”

S: “Thank you, uh… guy…”

G: “Trim Diggins, it says.”

S: “Yea, thanks, Trim, for making a theme song so we don’t have to.”

G: “It leaves us more time to do our job.”

X: “Our job of being shocked by each other and disgusted by our own hobbies?”

G: “Way to sum up our show in 2 seconds.”

S: “Slap that on a t-shirt!”

---

G: “So there’s this new pro stuff going on in the FGC when it comes to fight sticks.”

X: “I only do it on my regular controller, but I know those things can get batshit.”

G: “Yea yea. You know, like that one dragon guy who made his stick out of an 18-wheeler’s trailer. But there’s this whole meta thing going on where they’re starting to draw a line. Cuz you know, they’re always working on stuff to make people more comfortable. Elevators for centaurs and low tables for fairies and halflings. But they invented this special kind of joystick for harpies, to accommodate their weird claw situation.”

X: “Okay. No fingers, all talons and wings.”

G: “But their really precise, and they have holes in the sides that provide a grip for those talons. So people dug around and found it made it a lot easier to control with that kind of grip. So now people are like… using morphing potions and shapeshifter magic to change their species or just, grow talons for hands…”

X: “Oh!”

G: “...to get that little tiny edge that might make the difference with how good you are at flinging ass.”

X: “Yea, they’re… flinging?”

G: “Flinging ass.”

S: “I kind of spaced out for a minute there, but yea. What the hell are you talking about?”

X: “He said flinging ass.”

S: “What the fuck?”

G: “Have you guys never heard about this? In fighting games?”

X: “Noooo!”

G: “Like Rainbow Mika or Karita. Or Aska. It’s just like a goofy way to say ‘playing fighting games’ when there’s a girl throwing her butt around in your face in the game.”

S: “This is why I only start paying attention to a fighting game when the porn starts coming out. Also, I think Gruul is crazy.”

G: “What? Come on.”

X: “Yea, I’ve never heard that in my life, man.”

G: “Wait a minute, wait a minute… did just one dude tell me that’s a legitimate saying and never corrected me?”

X: “Don’t worry, Gruuls. We corrected you. Way, way too late and after you said it in front of everyone on the entire internet.”

S: “On the plus side, we somehow got the entire internet to listen to us.”

X: “Just in time to hear Gruuls say ‘flinging ass.”

G: “Just in time for me to spread that phrase all over the next.”

S: “Like some kind of spreading ass.”

---

G: “Before we get to anything… you hear about the new uh… the new news? The old new news?”

X: “Is it fuckin’ speak in riddles day?”

S: “You know they legally enforce that holiday in some parts, right?”

G: “I’m talkin’ about MARIO, guys! The original gamer! He’s back!”

S: “Yeaaa!”

X: “Huh.”

G: “What’s wrong, Xat? Aren’t you out there jumping on mushrooms like the memeing oldheads on Fae Book?”

X: “Of course not. I grew up in Frozeover. I didn’t grow up with fuckin’ Mario. I could barely get any video games at all out there until I moved out east.”

G: “Yea, but Mario! You know! Mario! The illegal video game!”

X: “Yea, what the fuck was that all about?”

G: “Oh, for listeners who might not remember…”

S: “Which is honestly a lot, but go on.”

G: “Nintendo had some really strict copyright stuff going on for a while with their games. To the point where they were removing their own stuff off Youtube and silly shit like that. THEN when they tried to make a bootleg and torrent tracking program, it somehow screwed up so bad that it deleted TONS of their own archives and got it blacklisted… from itself, or something. So the legal red tape and general caginess kept them from making a Mario game for decades!”

S: “They couldn’t just let people make their Wario sprite games, could they?”

X: “Well, Gruul, you just explained my point of view on it. Mario hasn’t shown up in most of a human lifespan. It’s kinda hard to get excited, isn’t it?”

G: “I guess so. It’s a lot of us oldheads and parents shaking their kids being like ‘It’s the jump guy! He used to jump, y’see!”

S: “Yea, I went through a whole marathon of them a few years back, but kids these days don’t know who Mario is.”

X: “You mean the guy from that old CG movie?”

G: “No, the other Mario.”

X: “The Mario from that SUPER old live action movie?”

G: “No, the other…”

S: “The Mario from the pinball machine?”

G: “Why are your references getting even older?”

X: “You mean the Mario from your crusty old cereal, grandpa?”

S: “You mean Mario of ‘and Sonic at the Olympic Games’ fame?!”

G: “You know that I don’t… but kind of do.”

S: “Did you mean the Mario from my Princess Peach porn stash that eats up half my harddrive?”

G: “You say to your dad?”

X: “Also, don’t look at Skrat’s computer, dad.”

S: “It’s okay. I boobytrapped it.”

---

G: “You know they caught that guy who ran off with all of Uberhard’s money?”

S: “Yea, I saw it in a news post.”

X: “I just saw the memes.”

G: “Well they traced the money from it all, and you know what his first purchase was? A dragon-sized dildo.”

X: “Gruul…”

G: “Not even joking.”

X: “This isn’t a matter of joking. This is a matter of knowing how your mind works. And that words have meaning.”

G: “Yea.”

X: “Was this dildo the size of a dragon’s dick… or the size of a dragon.”

G: “Now hold on…”

X: “Hold onto deez nuts, Gruul. I’ve seen some shit in all my days of eating sex.”

G: “Yea, but that’s crazy huge! Do we have that much silicone in the world?”

S: “They make dildos out of other stuff.”

G: “Are you suggesting that this dildo was forged out of mithril by the finest dwarven pornsmiths?”

S: “I meant like… glass, but still… that’s a mental image.”

X: “I mean there’s definitely Skrat-sized dildos, so I can’t be that far off.”

S: “Not only are there dildos as tall as a goblin, but I’ve seen goblins USE dildos the size of goblins!”

G: “Oh gods. They must look like Tom and Jerry after he eats the cheese.”

*assorted laughter

S: “Just… just green, dildo-shaped shortstacks waddling around.”

X: “What shoplifting, officer? I always look like this?”

G: “Are you smuggling anything in from Pornsmith, ma’am?”

S, muffled: “Noooo…?”

G: “Hoooooly shit… so to answer your question, I don’t know.”

----

X: “The new VR game is out. IseKing 3 promises ‘super realistic experiences, quick-learning AI, and no addictive elements.’ Like they’re basically writing on the label ‘we promise this one won’t kill you.”

G: “I mean, we’ve covered the mind control and hacking that went on with a lot of the early in-depth games like this. And people were rightfully skeptical about how rough living your fantasy in a realistic game might be.”

X: “I mean so many of them are horny dating sim escapism shit. That’ll rot your ability to communicate with real people in no time.”

S: “It’s as if people don’t want to actually stab and be stabbed by slimes and ghosts.”

X: “Honestly, it’s that learning AI thing that worries me. Like I’m sure Dehaze Studios sucks enough that they didn’t make an actual AI, just a response program like everything else. But ‘it won’t kill you’ plus ‘it learns SUPER fast, you guys’ makes me go ‘ehhhhhh.”

G: “I mean with the amount of regulations they’ve put on this shit, I don’t believe they could mass produce something like that. Magical law or budget wise.”

S: “Well remember that Vtuber/not Vtuber Mikki Mii? And all the shit that popped off because she turned out to not be a cute cat demon girl because she was actually a sentient curse?”

X: “And that time when there was that spam email that summoned a ghost that sucked your dick?”

S: “Yea… I missed out on that one. Nobody I know sucks enough to forward me blowjob spam emails.”

X: “Guys… I’m starting to think magic’s fucked up. And I’m allowed to say that as a being that’s MOSTLY magic.”

G: “This is why I always say that it’s our duty to use it for the side of horny and not for evil.”

X: “I’m not convinced there’s not some crossover between horny and evil, bud.”

S: “Just because I fucked the manifestation of hatred and cruelty that one time, doesn’t mean I’m SUDDENLY a horny supervillain!”

G: “Talk about your hate sex.”

S: “I mean it was just the one time!”

G: “Skrat walks on screen. Freeze frame. Caption box reads ‘Skrat Bubral! Evil’s Boyfriend!”

X: “I built all these bridges. I built all these churches. But you fuck ONE goat…”

---

G: “I just got back from vacation with Miss Melee. For the new listeners, that’s my fiance.”

S: “Your gnome girlfriend.”

X: “Gnomefriend.”

S: “Girlgnome.”

G: “We saw some family, stayed at a little halfling hotel for a while. One of those super comfy but sized up ones. There was a nice little touristy place a little ride out that we went to a lot. Some good arcades and shit. But there was this one place we were really into called the Mojo Dojo. It was this magical sparring place that’s enchanted all the way up and down so it’s like… fully customizable.”

S: “Like the Matrix or something?”

G: “Nah, more like, when you install mods on Star Path Strider and you can punch guys over mountains and move super fast and shit. You can basically adjust your stats, or customize handicaps and shit like in Smash Infinite.”

X: “Oh that’s nice. So do they give you drones or golems or something?”

G: “That’s an option. Like we did the version of a hundred man melee just to be all cool back to back fighting like an action movie. That ripped. But we did a lot of sparring, just me and Melee.”

S: “Oh. Cuz I know you did that boxing thing for a while, and you’re kind of twice her size.”

X: “And triple her weight. No shade intended.”

G: “I know what you’re getting at… and no. We messed with the numbers a little just to make our stats a little more even, talking weight and strength and all that. And I did not know the level of self defense she got when she was a kid compared to all my days shittin’ around on fighting games.”

X: “Oh! The Melee part is a lot more literal than you thought?”

S: “Yeaaa she mentioned something about that to me once. So she beat your ass?”

G: “Oh yea. Repeatedly. Like it healed right up and all but she is ridiculously… just like, Mina Manstrong out there. Working joints and soft spots I didn’t know I had. Just bam bam bam!”

X: “So you had fun.”

G: “Oh my god, dude… I’ll be private, but we did some things later that night that my great great grand elder would NOT have approved of.”

S: “Ah, grand elders hate everything fun.”

X: “Yea, they hate it when you install rubber banding on life and fight your GF with items off.”

S: “Grandpa’s ghost just like ‘You using aimbots there, kiddo?”

X: “I ain’t missing this time, grandpa!”

S: “Oh shit! I thought you were hacking your video games and not having consensual sex with your fiance!”

X: “That is NOT the orcish way!”

G: “Considering she beat my ass in a spar, that’s kind of REALLY the orcish way…”

S: “That’s the EVERY normal person way, Gruuls.”

----

G: “Well, boys! It’s official! How’s that trophy feel in your hands?”

X: “Our imaginary digital trophy with no prize money feels good, man.”

S: “Voted the best gaming podcast! We gamed it good!”

G: “We gamed the system, which sounds incredibly appropriate. Big thanks to the forums, the chats and everybody who voted or even listened.”

S: “Or reads the transcripts. I met a couple of def fans at our last convention who were nice as hell.”

X: “Too bad for them when I say an unspellable word.”

G: “Or when you say ‘Xat laughs maniacally’ just to confuse the writers.”

X: “Yea, fuck ‘em. What do writers do?”

S: “Write, I’d guess.”

X: “Not as much as you think. But nah, seriously. Thanks to those folks on the wiki and the transcribers. Writers, you can use your dumb powers for good sometimes. And maybe next year, we’ll be in the running for best podcast on the Spell Podcasties.”

*various uncertain noises from Gruul and Skrat

G: “I dunno about that.”

S: “That’s not Gruul being humble or me having an inferiority complex. There’s some quality shit out there we’d have to compete with. A nomination would be nice, but seriously.”

X: “Oh come on. Who’s better than us?”

S: “I Only Have Eye For You.”

G: “Beholder: I Barely Knew Her.”

S: “My Brothel, My Brothel and Me, where the three prostitute sisters shit-talk on customers.”

G: “Unlife In the Void.”

X: “Okay…”

S: “Shit My Hand Says When I’m Asleep.”

G: “Long Walk, Little Steps.”

S: “Goblin Mode Abode.”

G: “That one… oh, the one that remixes sex noises into music…”

S: “Cold Blooded True Crime Podcast with Lizzie and Drake.”

G: “Inter-Vores With A Dragon…”

X: “Holy shit! I was kidding.”

S: “You kidded with your two improvising co-hosts. This is what you get for trying to be funny.”

G: “You get to make the funny. Let’s wrap this up then, okay?”

S: “This is your best gaming podcast, 20th best regular podcast signing off!”