Goblin Heist “Script” (pt 1) (Patreon)

A very fun, very SFW sort of story. I felt like I made it clear it’s more action movie adventure heist than sexing, so pleasantly surprised that this got voted so highly. Basically a slightly suggestive fantasy novel. Technically presented as a movie within my main monstergirl setting.

The story was always going to be huge, ever since I thought of it writing the “trailer” for Gobtober. I mess with writing this as a narrative while also being cinematic, so more visual clues and less of what the characters are thinking.

There’s a whole second half here to do where things actually go wrong like they always do. That’s where you get your character development and big action scenes. It just got so huge already that it felt ready to post as a part 1. Takes a lot of work to get a crew together and sneak them into the castle. I’m also not sure I’ve seen a heist movie so much as a lot of parodies… but like how it turned out. I also made sure to tie in lines and scenes from the original trailer, but like most trailers I skip or tweak some stuff.

It was a time of generic fantasy stuff. There were far off dragon caves and you caught wind of the occasional adventuring badass, but those were few and far between. Most people were ordinary peasants, workers, or nobles.

Two goblins sat in the grass beside a dirt road. One was tall and slender, nearly four feet tall with some copper glasses perched on her triangular wedge of a nose. Purple hair was tied back in a short ponytail and she wore slightly weathered dress clothes. Her fingernails, all painted a smooth black, picked at a small stain of dried ink at her collar where she had already cleaned it off her perky softball-sized breasts.

Beside her was a black-haired goblin holding an apple and a knife. She was a bit shorter but much stockier than her friend, and a short but notable scar near her eye showed she was clearly not worth the trouble of bothering. Her hair was short and scrappy like the rest of her, and she was dressed far more practically than the first goblin. She wore light leathers, remnants of her job as a bouncer and occasional pit fighter (once you got a few drinks in her and asked her nicely).

The more muscular goblin sliced an apple in two and passed half to the bespectacled one. The purple-haired one took a bite and stared wistfully over the road. A carriage drawn by a set of white horses rode into town, tossing up dust with no real regard for the small creatures.

“Lotta carts comin’ in lately. Ya notice, Tox?” the broad one mentioned conversationally.

“Of course, Gim. They’re doing one of those balls of theirs,” Toxa noted dryly.

“Heh… balls,” Gim chuckled with a smirk.

Toxa shook her head.

“It’s the way of the world, eh? We just manage to pay our rent and they don’t use half of an entire castle unless it's to waste more luxury than their servants could ever get.”

“Better than being stuck in the middle, eh? I was gonna be a town guard once, but then I learned they expect ya to die for ‘em. Even Rohg at The Mead Mound knows when you should bail and save your own ass. And the cops have been busy as hell with all them richies in one place.”

Toxa stared and froze in mid-chew. Gim ate her piece all in one bite before she waved a hand at her.

“All in one place, huh…? How long have they been showing up, anyway?”

“Saw one, er… last week? Been coming by more and more ever since.”

Toxa nodded slowly and Gim leaned an arm on her knees. I was a lanky, thick limb that could manhandle a man twice her size.

“You’ve got that look, Tox. Like you’re thinkin’ bigfolk thoughts.”

“And why shouldn’t I? They don’t own all the thoughts,” Toxa mused.

“But with so many nobles arriving… must be something big. And they never like to travel with empty purses.”

Gim raised an eyebrow. “Tox, don’t be crazy. We did our scams and all back then, but this would be hittin’ up a whole castle. And we’re so rusty from retirement.That’s way too big a fish for us.”

Toxa nodded, the gears starting to turn.

“You’re right, Gim… we’d need a crew.”

Rocking music played over the scene! The title slams into the screen! GOBLIN HEIST! Opening credits play over a cool montage of seni-veiled stills!

—-

Toxa spent the evening gathering what she’d need to get started. A few supplies, checking in with old contacts, some maps from her job as the secretary to the merchant guild, and a few basic armaments and enchantments that were always handy. She met Gim under nightfall, walking briskly down the midtown streets. Toxa wore a hooded cloak while Gim had squeezed into an old red suit.

“I thought I told you to dress discreetly,” Toxa reminded her under her breath.

“I am discreet. Nobody would recognize me dressing in my Solsday best,” Gim chuckled, adjusting her collar.

“You really are the type who clanks when she talks,” her scheming friend admitted.

She produced a slip of paper and passed it off to Gim. She read it over with some intense squinting involved.

“I’ve looked over the castle blueprints. Built before the Monsterhood Alliance. It’s been updated but it’s full of cracks and gaps where they wouldn’t expect the little things. Little things like goblins. If we get these people on our side, we can end up the richest little giblets in the whole kingdom. Or the next kingdom over, to be exact.”

Gim finished the list:

“Keera (magic), Lox (driver), Uala (face), Shred (hacker).”

“Okay… quick question. What’s a hacker?” Gim inquiried.

“For hacking, dingus. Come on. First stop.”

With a sweep of her cloak, Toxa turned a corner. She walked right through the open gates of some low stone walls to approach a wide, formal-looking building. Gim recognized it as the city’s public library in name only.

“Huh. I never actually went in here,” the bruiser goblin mused.

“Try learning to read first,” Toxa replied casually.

“I can read! I just don’t care!”

Toxa just kept walking, properly entering the scene. The large building was sparsely populated, especially at these late hours. The doors were still open as the purple-haired brains of the two led them down an aisle with motivated purpose. She stopped seemingly at random before taking out a book (Petty Curses For Petty Revenge). Through the other end of the shelf, another goblin jumped in surprise to meet Toxa’s eye.

She certainly looked the part of a librarian. Meek, thick glasses, golden-brown hair tied back into a ponytail, business casual attire, and subtly hot. The was short and thin with some smaller, round grapefruit tits bobbing within her button-up top.

“Keera Downwater,” Toxa said with a nod. “We’re in need of assistance.”

“Oh!” Keera gasped, hastily fixing her hair and shirt.

“Well, you’re in the arcane section. History’s down that end and romance is off in the east wing…”

Toxa shook her head sternly. “Not that kind of assistance, Miss Downwater. We’re not looking for a magic book. We want an expert.”

Keera’s eyes darted and she took a step back. Her hasty avoidance confirmed everything Toxa needed to know, and even Gim knew when somebody was trying not to sweat.

“I’m… uh. What? Come on. I’m just a librarian…”

“An ASSISTANT librarian,” Toxa added.

Keera winced a little at the reminder.

“Which you are so much better than. But you’re stuck here. The tall and the rich overlook you and your talents. You can’t cast but you gather and master any magic items you can find. You must be responsible for the crystal balls and wands that move so quickly from the black market. The ones wedged into certain street corners to watch over parts of the town…”

Keera grimaced as the leader went on. She clasped her hands together pleadingly to cut her off.

“Okay! Okay, shush! That’s enough! I get it! What do you want from me? Money? Wands? I can waive any late fees you have!” she squealed.

Toxa adjusted her smaller spectacles and shook her head.

“You misunderstand me. I’m not trying to take anything from you. I want you to get more. Enough for you to get us in and out while you oversee things. And to stick it to the tallfolk that held you back all in one go. One sixth of the work, one sixth of the loot.”

Keera’s eyes widened, squirming with an obvious interest. She leaned in closer.

“So how would we do this…?”

The purple-haired goblin slid her a speaking stone. The small, runed piece of marble was easily palmed or pocketed and carried voices through them to those with the matching symbol like a modern day phone. Toxa passed off a small pouch of gold along with it.

“Get whatever you need. Find out everything on this ball or whatever the nobles are up to. I’ll call you when it’s time to get things in gear.”

---

Right on cue, a carriage wheel ran across the cobblestones. The late night road was dimly lit by the lamp posts while a lonesome carriage waited with an old gray and black horse with thick, shaggy fur. In the driver’s seat was an older goblin, mature enough to have some soft, natural curves and faint smile lines around her eyes. Straight, hot sauce red hair with white streaks was combed neatly under a cap and narrow features to her face despite her thick hips and chest. She wore a scarf to keep out the chill over her leather coat and snug pants, smoking a long pipe to send smoke trailing up into the night sky.

“There! There’s one,” a man’s voice gasped from down the road.

A human man in some wrinkled clothes and a slightly classier dressed half-elf woman came jogging over to the goblin’s cart as quickly as their staggering legs would allow. The driver calmly looked up from her smoke.

“Pardon me! Sir!” the human called.

The goblin looked up with a wry lift of her eyebrow.

“Miss,” she corrected, brushing her coat aside to let her broad breasts bob into view.

“Ah. My mistake. But we were tryin’ to get home to Lasty Lane. In a hurry, if ya could.”

The man slid his arm around the half-elf’s waist. It was part flirtatious, part to keep himself standing upright. The driver passed them a glance before cracking a smirk.

“A hurry, ya say? Happens to be a specialty of mine. I’ll get ya there faster’n anybody.”

The goblin pulled on a lever at her side. The doors to her carriage swung open on their own and a short set of steps popped out to the cobblestones. The half-elf gave a bewildered “Wow…” as the man helped her climb inside.

“Thanks, miss ah… what’s your name?”

“The horse is Ashes, thank you very much,” the rider said as she picked up the reigns.

“But you can call me Lox. Hold on tight now.”

Moments later, the horse was speeding down the evening streets. Lox watched sharply as she focused on her route instead of the panicked shrieks coming from her passengers.

“Told ta to hang on! We don’t wanna slow down in these back roads!” Lox called over her shoulder.

“That's Scraper turf and they try to extort ya for protection but half of ‘en don’t care of you pay or not!”

A dense thunking sound came from somewhere behind her as a crossbow bolt buried itself in the wood.

“You might notice the extra thick exterior cuz of that. But me and Ashes got plenty of people through here. They’re just feelin’ spicy tonight!”

Lox gave a precise toss of the reigns. The gray horse hunkered down and gave a mighty leap, hurdling over a few barrels in its way. It dragged the carriage up and over with it, the wagon wheels thudding just barely across. A man with wild eyes, an unfortunate scar and a blazing torch leapt out of a doorway, shouting close to Ashes to startle it. The old mare didn’t flinch until Lox whistled and tugged the reins sideways. Ashes planted her forelegs and pivoted sharply, twisting and mule kicking the would-be hijacker in the jaw. The wagon went drifting along ahead if her and she let it, spiraling around her bulk and circling back behind her as its ornate wheels righted again. Lox laughed triumphantly at the perfectly timed stunt.

“What’d I tell ya? Couple more blocks annnd you’re there.”

The passengers staggered out even more dizzily than before. The half-elf heaved and clung to the cart as Lox leaned off her seat to hold out a hand. The woman took it to steady herself, but Lox pulled back and snapped her fingers.

“Three silver. Four if you left a mess back there.”

They paid and left as Lox sat back in her seat, clicking her tongue.

“Didn’t even tip. The nerve of some, eh, Ashy?”

“You’re underselling yourself.”

Lox pursed her lips, taking a moment to decide Ashes hadn’t finally started talking/she hadn’t just gone fully mad. She looked up to the pair of goblins approaching, the smarter and thinner of the two looking a little winded.

“It keeps her fed. And cleans the stains,” Lox shrugged.

“You seem like a much better getaway driver than a cab driver,” Toxa pointed out.

“So? You got something you’re trying to get away from?” Lox asked indifferently.

“We plan to.”

Gim approached and handed her a few gold and a speaking stone. Lox’s eyebrows raised and Ashes’ tail flicked, clearly expressing their interest.

—-

The Hungry Dragon was a novelty of a tavern, its decorations and rowdy little band providing a festive air with its overly salted and sugared food. It also provided a lot of distraction for when someone wanted to speak discreetly or blend into a crowd.

The door was suddenly slammed open and even the band stopped. A large male dwarf nearly as tall as a man (or a human short and brawny enough to look like a dwarf) barged in wearing royal guard’s armor and a long black beard. He looked furious already, holding up the gleaming silver badge of the guardsmen that startled everyone to pay attention.

“Alright! Everyone calm down! City guard’s arrived!” he barked.

“What division?” an overwhelmed-looking minotaur asked.

“A big one! Who cares what division?!” the dwarf sneered. “I’m here with a warrant for ‘Big’ Eddy Grudd!”

A few eyes peered towards a large but suddenly unnerved orc with a plate of wings.

“I uh… I didn’t do it.”

The dwarf wove through the crowd, stomping loud enough in his armor that everyone gave him room. A heavy hand smacked the table.

“Where izzit, Eddy? We got eight witnesses sayin’ you nicked off with a boatload of spices meant for tomorrow’s ball.”

“I don’t… what!?” the flustered green man babbled.

“Keep fuckin’ around and I’ll make it ten witnesses,” the guard threatened.

He grabbed Eddy around the wrist and yanked, squeezing him with a rough, leathery hand. He waved the other at the customers before pulling out some cuffs.

“I didn’t do anything! I mean, I didn’t do anything with no spices!”

“Then you won’t mind me searching your room before we chat at the station. Rest of you enjoy your evenin’,” the dwarf snorted.

He slapped the cuffs on Eddy and shoved him upstairs. The orc insisted his innocence as he went upstairs.

“Look, bro! I snatched some jewels off another gang. I swiped some old guy’s lunch! Nothing that big! You know I don’t fuck with the nobles!”

The guard grunted and shoved him again. Surprisingly weak for such a brawny little figure. Eddy opened up his door and passively let himself get shoved onto the bed. The guard undid one of the cuffs just to latch it onto the bedpost.

“I knew you royals were dirty, but not this bad, Ed grumbled. “I’m tellin’ ya I’m innocent.”

“I know that,” the dwarf scoffed.

“But those jewels you came across should look good in my collection.”

The orc looked baffled as his captor felt around his floor and quickly found the loose board. He tugged it open and sorted through the jewelry box before finding an especially fine diamond necklace.

“Wait… you knew! You set me up, you fat bearded bitch!”

Eddy couldn’t properly reach him but he threw a kick at the guard. His foot passed right through the armor and a piece of his side. Ed went from outrage back to stunned silence as the dwarf smirked at him. A charming southern accent came out of his slightly out of sync lips as the illusion dropped. A green hand stuck out of the dwarf’s chest and flourished a thin dagger at him.

“Oh, honey. I was gonna let us have some fun if you’d just stayed tied up for a spell.”

The dwarf started to vanish, gradually revealing the goblin underneath. She had slickly styled pe purple hair, a lighter color than her eyes. Full, pouty lips accentuated her smirk and makeup. She wore a snug cocktail dress, but armor gloves and boots. They gave off the audible clank and roughness of her dwarven persona as she moved.

“You just got thieved by a better thief. Not my fault you’re sloppier than me.”

The illusionist blew him a kiss and winked as she slid the necklace on. She tucked the armored accessories into a bag and strode right for the door. She hesitated when she heard some grunting and thumping from outside. She conjured up her dwarf disguise as the orc started to shout.

“Hey! Hey, this guy’s fake! Help me!” he ordered.

The door creaked open. Toxa and Gim entered with the brawny goblin holding a knocked out, white-furred wolfman in a headlock. Ed and the disguised goblin both looked stunned. Toxa casually drew a short, disposable wand and zapped Eddy with a stunning blast to knock hin out as well.

“Uala Fronk. You come highly recommended for someone so hard to find,” the leader mused with a tip of her glasses.

Uala sighed and dropped her disguise, fiddling with the charmed bracelet on her wrist.

“It takes a master to know when you go loud and when to go quiet.”

Toxa waved at her bracelet. “And when a simple illusion isn’t enough on its own. You’re the perfect washed up actress we need for this part.”

“Washed up?” Uala huffed, looking a bit insulted.

“Prove me wrong. I’ve got a hell of a show in mind for a very refined audience.”

—-

Toxa, Gim, Keera, and Uala rode in the back of Lox’s carriage. They left the city limits, heading a bit off the beaten path towards the woods. They skirted its edges and reached a cave with a rather rickety wooden door barely covering it. The sun was just barely threatening to come up.

“I wanted you all with me on this one,” Toxa explained.

“To know what we’re getting into.”

“Yea, you still won’t tell me what a hacker is,” Gim objected.

“Hacker?” Keera asked on the verge of a gulp.

“Yes. Shred the hacker. She hacks. I understand all the best heists have a hacker. You might…”

Toxa thought for a moment.

“You might compare her to a butcher.”

“Like a cook?” Uala asked.

“More like an adventurer.”

Gim went wide eyed. Keera shrank a bit. Uala would have choked if she was drinking.

“THOSE lunatics!? Are you as mad as they are?!”

“They specialize in killing, looting, and surviving. That sounds like a great asset to the job and she’s one of the few goblins capable of taking out a dragon on her own.”

“She WHAT!?” Gim laughed in shock.

“Dragon Gutter Shred? I understand everyone’s heard. One of the deadliest people in the region, considering she’s an adventurer who’s survived more than one or two jobs. If we can get that kych bloodthirsty commitment on our side, imagine what-”

They jumped as a firm rapping came from one of the plated windows.

“Scuse me. Were you just going to park on my lawn and talk about me?” a woman’s smooth and patient voice came creeping in.

The group soon followed her into her cave. Shred was an intensely built woman but incredibly calm and polite. She had crudely cut, short pink hair and a casual shirt and pants. She wasn’t as old as Lox but clearly experienced, muscular in a lean and practiced sort of way like a very dangerous monkey. Some long scars lined her arns and legs.

Her cave was about as simple and crude as it looked; little more than a cot and a campfire for comforts. A half butchered hunk of owlbear was off in one corner and a magic chamberpot seemed her only luxury.

The only sign she wasn’t just a homeless person was the rest of the cave was covered in weapons. Countless sharp knives of every size, spears, maced, swords bigger than she was, crossbows, bombs… the guards had less stock and variety to their arsenal than this one woman army.

“There’s some tea on the fire. Help yourselves,” Shred grunted as she stretched her arms overhead.

“We were actually hoping to help each other,” Toxa ventured as she sat in the dirt, unafraid to pour some of the tea. Most of the others hung back, waiting for a booby trap. Gim admired the variety of weaponry.

“I gotta ask… you know my reputation if you found me. It’s a crazy one, isn’t it?”

“Robbing the castle during its biggest event in a decade,” Keera filled in rapidly.

“Hundred plus guards, tight security, magical wards, the most influential world leaders in the continent watching us...”

Shred held up a calming hand.

“Easy now. I can only get so wet over here. So… crazy, yea? Sounds like an evening well spen to me.”

Shred walked calmly up to her hanging weapons like it was an art gallery. She observed them calmly and picked up a large handaxe. She hefted it with ease, and the skull mounted over its head glowed with an eerie blue fire.

“So where do we start? Rush the castle gates like a bunch of spooked hellhounds?” she asked, calmly loading up a wide selection of weapons with another wide grin.

—-

The girls had all gathered around a table in a brightly lit cellar. A map of the castle was set down amidst the map of the city as Toxa marked off spots with a pencil. Weapons, gear and magical equipment were set all around while Keera rapidly took notes while studying a complex array of crystal balls linked by wires in a tray on her lap. The crew all leaned over the map as best they could without completely blocking it with their chests.

“Everyone listen up. If Keera’s intel is as good as it always is, we have a twelve-hour window where the richest nobles in all seven kingdoms will all be in one place. They’re going to have jewels, furs, crowns, and lots and lots of gold, all kept safe in a private vault during their stay. That loot’s our ticket to becoming the richest goblins the world’s ever seen. And we all got our part to play…”

A montage played over her explanation. Gim and Shred waited in the woods beside a road heading into the kingdom with a pair of crossbows. They shot precisely at a passing noble’s carriage to blow out the spokes on a wheel, sending it crashing down. The finely dressed blonde human came out questioning her driver as he went to investigate the damage. They went entirely unaware as Uala climbed over their heads to slip into the carriage.

“We intercept one of the later guests right at dusk. We catch them in the blind spot between the town and royal watch patrols, and Uala gets their invitations,” Toxa narrated.

“I’m sensing papers in the overhead,” Keera reported in the burglar’s earpiece speaking stone.

She snatched up the invite and scrambled quietly back out while the real guests tried to fix their wagon.

“You rendezvous with Lox who poses as Uala’s driver while she poses as the guest. Gim gets into the chest after we loot the treasure to hide her in the luggage. That gets us three on the inside…”

Lox drove towards the gates while Uala strapped herself into her gear. She buckled her legs into a pair of stilts before wrapping some lacy fabric over them. She stood up and tapped her bracelet to slip on her illusion of the busty blonde human woman. She leaned out the window dramatically.

“Ohhhh, Mendamire!? Are we nearly there!?” she crooned, mimicking the trilling accent of the complaining woman at the cart.

“Just about, mlady…”

She squinted at the invitation.

“Luna… Lunamere.”

They reached the lowered drawbridge where Lox passed two armored men the invitations. One read it over while the other looked at Lox and her armored ride. They had thrown a couple banners and sashes on it as a simple disguise to class it up.

“What’s wrong with your horse?” the guard pried.

“Whatya mean?” Lox asked indifferently.

“Looks a bit mangy for a Dreyish escort…OW!”

Ashes’ head perked up like it had just heard something startling, headbutting the judging guard in the face.

“Ohh sorry ‘bout that. These mangy non-thoroughbreds get a bit rowdy, but they get the job done,” Lox assured while hiding a grin.

“They were last minute replacements,” Uala sighed as she leaned out the window, letting her huge, royal, illusory bosom hang out.

“Now what’s the hold up? I simply cannot wait to sample the finest of crunk juice.”

A guard blushed and passed back the invite.

“Right. You can drop Lady Lunamere at the front gate. The rest will show you to the storage and the stables.”

“Much appreciated,” Lox grunted before pressing on much as expected.

—-

Toxa went on explaining the plan over her map.

“That’s the easy part. The real deals won’t have their invitations to get in. The guests will be good and liquored up for Uala to schmooze them a while. We signal Gim to gather up everything in the vault once they drop off her chest. Keera and Lox circle around back where we magic up a jump portal to bring her and the treasure out. Shred causes a distraction out front while we ride out a few castles worth of loot richer. Any questions?”

Uala raised a hand. “But should the opportunity arise, say things go really well at the ball… we can fuck the guards, right?”

Toxa looks slightly surprised.

“I mean… yes. We can fuck the guards. Why wouldn’t we?”

The others nodded in simultaneous agreement and relief.

“Yea!”

“Duh.”

“Oh yea, naturally.”

“Yessss~!”

—-

Lox watched the guards load the chest containing Gim into their rune-covered vault. She nodded to them and rode back towards the stables as she touched her earpiece.

“Package delivered,” she said quietly.

“Wedding,” Uala hissed back.

“Pardon?” Toxa asked.

“This is a wedding party. Also, I’m here with the guests. All according to plan.”

“Perfect. Gim, count to thirty and then pop your box. Give it an hour and we’ll pop you loose.”

The screen split into six parts showing each of their faces. Shred was strolling towards the castle, still a way away with a few dozen weapons on her back. Keera worked on her magic tracking systems while Toxa gathered some last minute supplies nearby.

“It’s go time,” they each said as cool and confident as possible.