The Goblin Teapot Cafe (Patreon)

This was something a few people suggested one way or another. Just what if a femboy goblin or a crossdressing goblin cafe? I do the occasional femboy story but I’m just not the best person for writing male/male stuff. I literally don’t know what people find attractive in guys, so I kind of have to just go into femboy stuff to mess around with just because I can grasp the girly side being attractive.

But yea! Goblin boi maid cafe. Had a lot of fun setting up the premise, and figured since goblin girls went flocking over to humans, what are the goblin boys up to? Most of them became successful busybodies or kinda dorky scrubs. But if the ladies rush off to human dick for some satisfaction, the femboys are right behind. Plus with goblin girls being loud, slutty and flirty, maybe a femmy boy is just what some folks need.

Ian kept in touch with his old friends. The city was big enough that a lot of the graduates didn’t travel far from it with just how many shops and jobs there were nearby. Ian had done exactly that when the soft-spoken human took a job at a local bank and stayed settled where he was.

He lived a tame and quiet life compared to his friends. They’d meet up for drinks at the same old bar and talk about old times and new, but eventually it always led to sexual exploits. Ian had only experienced a couple over the years, and certainly nothing recent.

“You’re kidding me, dude. You’re a good due and a good-looking human! Girls are nuts for that,” Day-Rin insisted. The tall and broad cyclops took a swig from his bottle.

“I’m just busy a lot,” Ian excused.

“You’re telling me you never went back after you tried Stackers?” Han asked after the dwarf downed his drink in one long pull.

“No… not really. The food was pretty good…”

“Not the food, man. You had that goblin girl and you didn’t like that?! Those girls are crazy for your kind!”

Ryan the half-elf sitting across from him thumped down his mug, a slight swagger to his every move making it clear how buzzed he was.

“Yea, but that’s the issue. Goblin girls aren’t my thing,” Ian admitted.

“So you’re the guy who wants an orc mommy to crush you?” Han asked. “Or you like a girl with some scales on her? Cuz my sister has a friend…”

“None of that even,” Ian cut in. “They’re cute and all, but is it too much to ask for one that’s a little more… girly? Like not jump in your lap and lick you horny, but like a little shy or sweet. Like call me old fashion, but classically feminine?”

“Oh, do not look at me then!” Day-Rin insisted, throwing up his hands in surrender. “You don’t want classic cyclops feminine. I understand ‘get back in the cave’ was a big thing and that does NOT fly these days.”

“Dwarves want a woman who can crack through stone and carry you on her back if you knock your ass out. I doubt we’re on the same page either.”

Ryan cleared his throat authoritatively and took out his phone.

“I think I got you, man. You want a girly goblin with some class? I can hook you up.”

Ian got some goosebumps at the thought but held onto some reservations towards his drunk elven friend’s idea. Ryan slid him his phone and he was surprised to see what he was hoping for. It was an ad full of cutely smiling and waving petite goblins dressed in very girly attire. There was clearly a cosplay tone to it as they posed in schoolgirl outfits, sundresses, and maid outfits advertising “Teapot’s Cosplay Café.”

“What’s that?” Ian asked as he eyed the ad curiously.

“It’s what it looks like. Japanese style maid café thing. Goblins dress up girly and flirt with you. You can pick out a favorite and take them out to the back rooms. Think Stackers but they class it up a little and y’know… that thing you said… uhhhh yea! They act real cute and girly and submissive for you. Not your usual gutter gremlin type. No offense.”

“Oh, none taken!” their goblin waitress chimed. She balanced her tray on her head as she took and refreshed Han’s mug.

“Let’s just say I’ve been thinkin’ about which of you boys I’d latch onto, and it’s not you who’d think!”

She grinned and winked at Ian, getting him to blush. She slapped her ass confidently in his direction before scurrying off to serve other tables.

“See what I mean?” Ian muttered.

“Trust me dude. Here… I’m texting you my membership code. Give that to them when you pay for the visit. I’ve got my Cashmate account linked to it. Get whatever you want and I’ll cover it.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I do cuz you’ll pussy out and you won’t do it if I don’t!” Ryan blurted, getting the others to snicker.

“Okay, you’re cut off, lightweight,” Day chuckled, sliding Ryan’s empty bottle away from him. “Let’s go fuck up some video games before my wife starts calling.”

---

Ian hated to admit that Ryan seemed to be right about him. He kept looking at the address and member code that the half-elf had sent him, tempting him more and more on going to Teapot’s. The name still made him chuckle, figuring it was their classy menu serving tea instead of beer and the fact that goblins were short and stout (or at least a pear-shaped kind of curvy). He finally sucked up his courage and went to the downtown café on one of his days off.

“Hiii~!” a bunch of cutely dressed goblins chimed in high and sweet voices.

Any that weren’t already serving at a table paused to greet him at once and he was almost blown away by the cuteness. Your average goblin girl had a lot of scruffy hair and skimpy clothes, dressed to show off their thick curves and in the mood to mate. The ones at Teapot’s had their hair grown out and carefully styled in various braids and ribbons. Lacey outfits and girly makeup dolled them up to the point where if they weren’t 3 feet tall and green, he could have mistaken them for normal elves or human waitresses. Mostly men and some women were seated around eying up the employees to various degrees.

“Hey, hon. First time at Teapot’s?” a soft and sweet voice asked. A smiling goblin with bushy red hair and a cute German barmaid outfit approached him from behind the front register.

“Yea!” Ian blurted. “A friend gave me his member info. I’m not sure if uh…”

“Don’t worry. Happens more than you’d think,” the redhead assured him. She took him by the hand and patted it between her own. Ian was honestly surprised when she didn’t try and shove his hand down her top like the Stackers waitress or the overly assertive date a friend had hooked him up with.

“C’mon. Let’s get you a table. You more of a tea or a coffee kinda guy?”

The seating hostess walked ahead of him, tugging up her skirt just above her calves so she could move around more comfortably in high heels. The level of tact, control and manners in the goblin was still mindblowing for him. There were always goblins that became police officers or college professors or even surprisingly effective political figures, but even they had the natural urges of goblins that needed taking care of. The fact that the hostess hadn’t even glanced at his junk was startling.

She led him to a small but tasteful seat by what appeared to be a window, but it overlooked a sunny grassy hillside. The goblin set out a neatly printed paper menu for him.

“There’s a knob on the window if you want to change the scenery at all. I’ll let you settle in for a bit before I send over your server. Is that alright with you?”

“Y-yea. That sounds great.”

The hostess smiled warmly. “Good! Hope you enjoy your stay. I’ll be up there if you got any questions.”

He had tons of them, but he didn’t know what to think about first. He settled on reading the menu, big on its light meals and sweet drinks, and looking over the other servers wandering around. They’d smile and wave at him while going on with their work, each with their own sense of style. He saw one goblin in the expected French maid outfit bent over wagging a finger at a customer as they scolded him for slurping his soup. Another in all black lace and leather (complete with a silver-lined choker) with thick stud pierced into her nose acted much more cold and indifferent to her guest, even flashing Ian a black-lipped smile as she shifted her weight on her thigh-high boots.

It was all impressively subtle. They weren’t even showing off their tits like most goblins he knew. Even the smaller chested ones tended to bare some cleavage or do something to puff them up a bit. He didn’t pick up the hint until one goblin in a schoolgirl outfit came out from the kitchen back area.

“I got your waters ri- wha! Whoaaa ahh!” She stumbled clumsily in spot a few times before she spilled over, landing flat on her chest as her plastic cups splashed over her and her pink ponytail. She made a scene of shaking out her hair and whining ditzily, and judging by how the other servers and guests giggled and awed, it was clearly part of her persona.

“Ah! I’m so sorry! I’ll be right back with more!” she blurted as she bowed deeply towards her customers’ table.

She bent over low enough to flip up her skirt, and Ian knew he wasn’t the only one to look. What DID surprise him was that it not only flashed the goblin’s round and perky ass, but the bulge poking between his legs.

Ian immediately whipped out his phone and pulled up Ryan’s number.

“RY! I’m at Teapots!” he texted hastily.

“Oh yea? Nice,” Ryan replied.

“You didn’t tell me it was full of dudes!”

“Yea?”

“Are all these goblins crossdressers!?”

“Or trans or something. But yea. Goblin dudes.”

“I thought you said these were goblin girls!!”

“Nah, they’re just girly. I thought you wanted girly.”

Ian’s memory strained to remember. “Well I’m positive you never told me these girly goblins had goblin dicks!”

“Really? That sounds like something I’d have mentioned.”

“Fuckinnnnn nope!”

“Hey there. Did you still need a minute?”

Ian hastily locked his phone again as he turned towards the voice. A short, slim goblin with long, sky blue twintails smiled up at him. She… rather, he clutched a clipboard to his small chest and smiled just enough to curl his thinly red-painted lips without exposing any fangs. Broad ears with a couple of small, gemstone earrings twitched in front of each of his twintails. His maid outfit was a tasteful length but its wide and precisely curved top of its skirt showed some notable booty on the crossdressing goblin, plus some thigh-high stockings that left just enough space to see some green thigh being exposed.

“No, no. I’m fine. I mean, I’m ready,” Ian insisted.

He was never one to judge anybody, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about guys like that before. He just hadn’t been with another man before, let alone a hot little goblin femboy maid.

“Cool! Nervous?” the goblin asked, keeping up his patient smile as he brushed a twintail back from his ear.

“Yea,” he sighed out, relaxing to have it out in the open. “I wasn’t sure what I was getting into when I came here.”

The maid smirked a little and climbed into the empty seat apart from him. He folded his hands and leaned his chin on them, staring at Ian thoughtfully.

“How’s that? That our coffee’s a buck more expensive than your regular corner store but we make it out of the same stuff?”

Ian let out a laugh. “No, just that a friend recommended this place and didn’t tell me… everything about you all. Y’know…”

“About the plinkers?” the maid-like server asked.

“What’s…?”

The goblin nodded downward, then held a finger erect suggestively while making meaningful eye contact. “Pro tip: if a goblin uses lingo you don’t know, it’s probably about sex or our junk.”

“Ah. Well yea. He missed that part… or I did I guess.”

“It happens,” the waitress shrugged with a bemused smile. “We’ve had people just do a U-turn out of here when they find out what’s going on. The ads are super cute and all, but people really need to check the website where we have it labeled all over the place. But…”

The pink-haired femboy hopped back off the seat and gave a broad, welcoming gesture.

“Sitting down doesn’t cost a thing. If you want to walk, I won’t judge if you don’t. If you have questions, I get paid by the hour anyway. If you want a sandwich or some cake from the kitchen and a regular dining experience, I don’t even have to touch ya if you don’t want.”

The girly goblin reached into one of his pockets and set a small card on the table. Underneath the Teapot logo, some swirly, glittery font read “Nang.”

“I’m Nang. It’s short for Nangle. You can call me a ‘he’ or a ‘she,’ whatever makes you more comfortable. Our specials of the day are the blueberry iced tea and the sweet strawberry pie. So what’s on your mind?”

Ian took a steading sigh after the very frank explanation from the crossdressing goblin. “The blueberry iced tea does sound good…”

“It’s basically a flavor shot in some pretty good regular iced tea,” Nang said with a shrug. “You interested?”

“My friend’s paying anyway, so go ahead,” the human admitted.

“Lucky duck.” Nangle smiled as he jotted down his order. “I’ll be right back.”

---

Nang departed for a bit and came back with his drink. The goblin set down his drink like any other waitress before he leaned his arms on the table, watching Ian curiously.

“So did your friend bring ya here?” Nang pried casually. Unlike any other waitress, the servers at Teapot’s did seem to stick around more. Like dinner and a show, or providing their own dinner conversation, Ian supposed.

“Basically. I was telling him how there aren’t enough feminine goblin girls and he was drunk, so I think he thought I wanted a place like this.”

“Well he wasn’t wrong,” Ian snickered highly. “About us anyway. I know plenty of goblin girls who’re nice to me.”

Ian drank his tea and raised his eyebrows. He definitely liked it. It felt like Nang was underselling it if anything.

“Oh yea?”

“Sure. My sister was sneaking me her old clothes back before I really understood what I was turning into.”

Ian laughed again, almost spilling his drink when Nang reached out and caught his hand. It was soft and warm, and tiny enough that even the goblin’s touch felt girly. It got the human to blush, and Nangle picked up on his bashful cue. He traced his neatly trimmed and painted claws around his thumb before drawing back.

“So were you thinkin’ anything for food?” Nangle asked, twirling one of his pigtails with his fingertip.

“Dunno. What do you suggest?”

“My best advice is think about what you want after. Real rookie mistake to fill up on pasta if you’re planning on going real hard right after.”

Ian had gone this far, and Nang was still looking cute.

“Maybe just the BLT then,” he decided, his blush maintained by the implication. “A little extra bacon though?”

“Oh don’t sweat it,” Nang assured him. “We got goblins working the kitchen too, so we load that shit up.”

He flashed Ian a wink.

“Be right back, master,” he giggled teasingly.

---

By the time he was done with his meal, Ian had committed to his decision. He made sure to mention when Nang came back to offer refills, in case he had to prepare anything special.

“No sweat. Did you have any certain fantasies or outfits you wanted?”

“I didn’t think about that,” he admitted, clearly going back into deep thought.

“Don’t sweat it,” Nang chuckled as he took the emptied glass. “It’s your first time so imagine you don’t want it too crazy just yet. A lot of hums like the maid look, but the catgirl and the schoolgirl outfits are popular.”

“Catgirl?” Ian asked, looking at his server a little confused. Nang rolled his eyes.

“Yea, I don’t get it. We already got the big ears so what? You guys want us to have four ears? Weird choice, but whatever.”

“I guess so,” Ian laughed. “Let’s go with the schoolgirl.”

He was about to ask if Nang was okay with that but he had already replied.

“Ooh. That’s a hot one,” he replied eagerly. “Comes with a real ‘I’ve been naughter’ aura, doesn’t it?”

“If you say so,” Ian agreed meekly.

“Trust me. You’ll know it when you see it.”

---

Ian finished up his lunch before he was invited to a guest room by his goblin host. Nang had freshly changed into a short skirt and partly unbuttoned blouse that seemed to really go well with his twintails. He shut the door behind them as the lights flicked on in a small room. A chalkboard with “I <3 Humans” written on it was mounted on the wall and a small desk was in a corner, despite there being a queen-sized bed on the other end of the room.

“We kinda made do with what we got,” Nang explained as he sat on the bed. “The usual goblin way, y’know?”

“Nah. People do that a lot too,” Ian chuckled.

“I guess. Just you sit back and relax, okay?”

Nang led Ian over to the bed and gave a firm little nudge to his thighs. The human tripped back to end up sitting on the sheets. Nang smiled and climbed into his lap, clearly recognizing that Ian was going to need him to take the initiative. The human shuddered as he felt the blue-haired little crossdresser’s silky panties rub against his lap. His small but hard bulge ground against Ian’s as the goblin started to undo his pants.

“I said relax,” Nang giggled.

He leaned up on his knees to plant a kiss on his lips. There was a sweet smell to Nang’s breath that matched the faintly sticky texture of his lipgloss. Ian started to melt on the spot, moaning into his soft little mouth. The server’s narrow tongue started to flick against the human’s lips, making his jaw drop open at his expertise. Nang reached down between them, staying straddling on Ian’s lap as he started lightly rubbing his fingers over the human’s erection.

Ian took it as an invitation to undo his fly. He shifted out of his pants and Nang scooted back, kneeling on the bed as he brushed some hair back over his pointed ears. His eyes darted between Ian’s face and his swollen erection, lingering briefly on each.

“You know, they say it’s the smell that drives goblin girls crazy,” the short femboy explained as he leaned closer. His ears flicked excitedly as he nuzzled his nose against the erection, bobbing it like a curious animal with a toy. Ian gasped and gripped the sheets tightly.

“But we’re so lousy at breeding with humans, I just think we’re all nuts for big hard cocks,” Nang giggled.

His mouth opened wide, revealing a drool-coated tongue for a moment before he wolfed down his cock. He moaned loudly as soon as the musky flesh hit his tongue, bobbing his head in a couple slow gestures. He felt out just how much of Ian he could fit in his mouth, a low and wet sound coming whenever he pushed deeper into his lips and throat.

“Oh fuck… ohmigod,” Ian panted as the glossy lips rubbed up and down his cock.

He was too overwhelmed to react in any real way until Nang took him by the hand. The small goblin was still able to guide the human’s hand up to rest on his head and pressed his fingers together. It successfully forced the human to grab him by the hair, letting Ian control the pace of his affectionate blowjob. Pulling on one of Nang’s twintails instinctively, it made the goblin’s head bob on command. He was clearly going easy on the inexperienced human, because picking up his pace to roughly doubletime still didn’t make Nang flinch so much as moan harder.

Ian upped his game a little more, holding both of Nang’s blue twintails and pulling him in deep. The goblin gasped softly as his lips and snout were pushed up against Ian’s stomach, but apart from curling his nails lightly over Ian’s thighs he took the human cock like a champ. He let it push against the tip of his throat and pulse against his tonsils.

“God you’re good at that,” Ian gasped as he felt almost ready to burst already.

Nang mumbled vaguely enough for him to pull back out, sloppily unsheathing from the goblin’s throat. He opened his lips wide, flashing his short fangs with the excessive drool and precum leaking from them over his uniform.

“If you like that, you should see what I can do with my ass,” Nang said with a wink.

It was too tempting to pass up on. Ian gulped and nodded as he lost the rest of his pants. Nang smiled a little sheepishly, even as he slid his panties off from beneath his skirt. Ian saw the brief flick of his small but hard goblin prick pop out of the girly underwear, flicking the skirt up briefly before vanishing back underneath it.

Nang climbed into his lap and turned around, planting his bubble butt in Ian’s lap. He started slowly grinding his booty, nuzzling the wet dick between his ass cheeks. It was soft but tight enough that each bun could bounce the erection from one cheek to the other like a tiny pingpong game.

Nang raised his ass just enough to slip Ian’s dick between his cheeks. Even with the meaty ass, the cock was big enough to nestle between Nang’s butt crack and still reach his lower back. The goblin squirmed and blushed as he unbuttoned his blouse, gently setting it aside. Even without the girly top, Nang was so sleek and subtly curvy that he passed for a small-chested goblin.

The goblin started to grind his booty back and forth, teasing the cock bigger than his whole ass with his hotdogging. As much as Ian enjoyed it, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. The blowjob had him leaking already, so with a stream of pale cream he gripped and pulled on Nang’s thighs. The goblin gasped briefly before Ian stuffed his cock up his green bubble butt, making Nang let out a high and girlish cry.

“Oh gob! I… I never get tired of you humie chunks!” he panted softly.

Ian’s thick dick pulsed inside him. He was right! Nang was good with his tongue and his mouth was a pretty snug fit, but his ass was even tighter and thicker. Nang kept tensing and twitching, making his bowels clench and hug around his cock hungrily in complex ways Ian didn’t fully understand. It sure didn’t stop him from pumping the green femboy full of his cock, pushing all the way in until his balls were slapping against his thighs.

Apparently that worked both ways. The firm slapping of Nang’s ass on his lap was shortly followed by the tap of the little green balls against Ian’s legs. In a moment of distraction from his own arousal, Ian felt the dribbling of precum coming from the horny goblin waitress. As girly as he seemed and sounded, it felt like a kinky little reminder of exactly what Ian was doing. It just excited him more.

He reached around Nang’s hips and wrapped a hand around his cock. The goblin dick was less than a handful, easily swallowed up by Ian’s hand. He immediately felt the firm but faintly rubbery texture combined with the squish of his own leaking precum. It was actually harder to stroke off the goblin’s small boner with his full fist, so he shifted two fingers and a thumb to cradle and tug on it.

“Oh fuck! You… ah!” Nang gasped desperately in his shrill and horny tone.

“Consider it a tip,” Ian offered in his server’s perky ear.

Nang mewled and the ears twitched anxiously at his prodding. He gasped and his cheeks tightened as he bounced more rapidly on Ian’s lap, humping like a rabbit in heat in short, rapid bursts. Ian grunted as he wrapped an arm around the goblin’s scrawny chest, hugging him tightly against his body as he stuffed his dick as deep as it would go into the goblin’s ass

Nang let out a piercing squeak as his ears folded back. His eyes rolled with them as he took a few rapid breaths, as if trying to cope with just how much dick was inside him. He clearly couldn’t as his whole body trembled, squirting out a quick and messy burst of cum across his lap and leaking it over onto Ian’s.

The vibrating femboy in his lap was plenty to make Ian finish as well. His thick warm seed blasted between the tightly hugging buns, pouring his human jizz up the goblin’s tightly fitting ass. Ian’s low moans came out contrasting to Nang’s shuddering moan as he leaned back against the human’s firm body.

“Nnnnnot bad, humie,” Nang groaned out as he slumped against Ian’s lap and chest. He shivered once more before leaning backward, tilting his head up to kiss the bottom of Ian’s chin. The human shook a bit, spurting out one last shot of his load into Nang before leaning down to kiss those sweet goblin lips again.

“Felt like I did a lot better than that,” Ian laughed wearily. He teased his fingers over the stubby dick, still hard despite the recent orgasm. He mewled softly and wriggled against his teasing touch.

“Okay, so you kinda did great,” Nang giggled.

Ian had to admit it was pretty enjoyable himself. Even with the runny handful of goblin cum, Nang felt like the girliest goblin he’d ever met of either gender. He ran a hand appreciatively over Nang’s ass cheeks as he slid out, getting another soft coo from the shortstack crossdresser. The whole afternoon felt like a really comfortable and enjoyable visit he could totally see doing again.

“You know, I was actually thinking about seconds…”

“Whoa! Hold on!” Nang blurted out quickly. “I just took a dick like a quarter the size of my entire body! I need to clean up and get my head on straight, hydrate a little, cuz that was a lot of cock right there, I don’t mind saying. It was hot as fuck, but let me take a…”

Ian snickered at the suddenly flustered goblin.

“I meant on that blueberry tea, blue.”

Nang blushed a darker green as his eyes darted away from him.

“Oh. Yea. That. I can hook you up with that…”