Gifts that I’ve made (Patreon)

OH HI! It’s your internet friend Simone, writing you from a coffee table that is surprisingly un-smelly.

I love making gifts for people. Which would be great, if it wasn’t for the fact that the people around me don’t always love receiving them. One family member has even explicitly said “Simone please don’t give me something you’ve made yourself this Christmas.” 

But making custom gifts is my love language, and sometimes you just need to shove your love language down people’s throats. Don’t @ me. 

So here’s a list of gifts of various quality that I’ve made for people that I love. Strict no return, no refund policy.

DOG LEG PILLOW

I have a godson. His name is Ardy, and he licks his crotch a lot.

He lives with two of my best friends: Jax and Rose. And for some reason Rose has had this image of his cut out leg as her screen saver for as long as I’ve known her.

I managed to get a copy of the image, turned it into a custom fabric and sewed it into two couch pillows.

RATING: 10/10. Might be my finest work.

CLOUD LAMP

In 2015, I made a cotton cloud lamp. Inflated condoms may or may not have been involved in the process, which is extra awkward considering that the gift was for my brother.

RATING: Pretty sure my brother would prefer to throw the lamp away but feels too guilty to. 4/10

SONG NECKLACE

My mom makes music. A while back, I wrote a script that converted song curves (?) into circles of different diameters. 

I then CNC'd the circles in silver, and made this necklace for my mom out of one of her favorite songs.

RATING: My mom wore it. Also solid product idea. 10/10

FUCK YEAH CROSS STITCH

I’m really bad at saying no to things, so I've developed a flow-chart to help guide my decision-making process.

All it boils down to is "if it's not a fuck yeah, then it's a no." It's as simple as it is effective, and it works for things like:

Should I speak at this event?

Should I buy this shirt?

Should I work on this project?

Should I go to this party?

So in an effort to force both a gift AND a mantra on a friend, I made this cross stitch for my friend Alie Ward.

RATING: 7/10 not very useful gift and very unsolicited advice 

CRICKET BAT LAMP

My manager Luke loves cricket, so I built him this cricket bat lamp and sent it on its way to Australia. Pretty sure he likes it, but also pretty sure he still hasn’t installed it.

RATING: Shipping cost was twice as much as the cost of the actual lamp. 7/10

FACE SWAP PUZZLE

I think this might be the worst one yet. Rumor has it that Dianna Cowern and I look a lot alike. This rumor has been confirmed by:

1. People coming up to her and saying how sorry they are about her brain tumor,

2. This face swap that we made that still throws me into a vortex of who’s who.

Dianna loves jigsaw puzzles so I ordered this custom one that essentially is just 1000 pieces of the same image twice.

RATING: 10/10 wouldn’t want to work on it myself

COPPER CUP HOLDER

For my mom’s 60th birthday, I made her a version of this copper cup holder that I designed a couple of years ago. 

RATING: Her herbs love it, 7/10

ROBOT CHRISTMAS CARDS

Remember when I sent you a Christmas card signed by a robot? No? Good. 

RATING: 0/10. I'm very sorry I promise I have something better for you in the works.

That's a pretty long list of not-so-useful-stuff, so here comes an actually useful tip: I keep a running list of gift ideas year-long. If a person says “oh, I love this” or “I wish I could do more of this” I jot it down. So when birthdays and holidays come up, I already have some tidbits to pick from.

What are your favorite gifts that you have given/been given? I promise I won’t not steal your ideas.

XOXO
Simone