Regression Crisis Chapter One (Patreon)

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This part is still largely set-up, but don't worry... the action will start heating up in the next instalment.

Diana of Themyscira, Princess of the Amazons and better known to the world at large as Wonder Woman, felt something unfamiliar as she stepped, naked and perfect as a painting, from the shower and made her way to her quarters. A sensation of anxiety she had only experienced a few previous times over the course of her career nagged at her throughout her daily exercises and as she suited up, donning her armour and weapons for the battle ahead.

     It wasn’t herself she was concerned about... She was more than confident in her ability to handle most anything that came her way. She’d earned her way to the top, and there was a reason she was one of the top three most recognized heroes in the world... and the world’s most recognized heroine on top of that.

     Nor was it specifically the concept of leadership that was worrying her: she wasn’t quite as experienced at leading as some other heroes she knew, but it was a role she’d become more confident in over time. Further, from the moment she’d heard about John Wolfe and his insane scheme, she knew it would only be a matter of time before she received her invitation... in fact, after hearing all about Wolfe and his statements on women and their “real place in the world,” she’d been aching to get a crack at him.

     It was the team itself Diana found herself concerned about. Not everyone: Batgirl was rock solid, obviously, having years of experience working closely with the world’s greatest detective... Diana was sure Barbara’s deductive skills would come in handy. She similarly had no worries about Zatanna, one of the most powerful magic users in the world, trained by her equally powerful father. Diana was almost surprised Wolfe would have the guts to bring her into this... did he have something up his sleeve?

     As for Supergirl, Diana had worked with her enough at this point to know that she was dependable, in spite of her youth... and besides, Kara had been working with Clark for months now, honing her powers and abilities. If anything, maybe she was a bit too eager to please, always looking for a way to prove herself... especially to Diana.

     But then there was the matter of Dr. Harleen Quinzel, the maniac better known as Harley Quinn... an unpredictable wild card if ever there was one! Of course Bruce had vouched for her, assuring Diana that she was more than capable... but if it had been up to the Amazonian Princess, The Joker’s former paramour would get left behind. However, Wolfe had made the rules of the game very clear. He’d distributed his ‘invitations’ very carefully, and he’d made it clear that unless everyone participated, he’d begin the process of turning every young woman on the east coast into an Adult Baby... a prospect that made Diana’s blood boil.

Speaking of invitations, she thought, reaching into the strange box that had arrived at Justice League HQ for her, addressed from Wolfe Industries. She removed the strange silver band-- the one that would allow her to pass through the energy barrier that had been erected around a large chunk of an upscale Metropolis neighbourhood-- and snapped it into place around her bicep. The band was thin and light, and it almost seemed to be a useless piece of jewellery... but the Amazonian Princess was sure her ultra sensitive skin detected a very minute, vibrating pulse emanating from it at regular intervals.

     Dressed and armed for battle, Diana took a deep breath and went out to do battle once more for the people of the planet.

“We’ve got an incoming transmission, Diana,” Supergirl informed her. Bruce had kindly lent them a plane and a pilot, and the team had been waiting for a final message from Wolfe, where he would explain the rules of their sick game.

     “Thanks, Supergirl... But you’d better get used to calling me by my codename in the field.”

     “Yes Wonder Woman,” Kara said, eager to please.

     A series of exaggerated smooching noises drew Kara’s scowling attention towards the giggling Harley Quinn, who was puckering up for her best impression of Supergirl kissing Wonder Woman’s butt. “I think ya got something on the end of your nose, Blondie!” she brayed, laughing at her own jokes as usual.

     “At least I didn’t waste the best years of my life kissing up to a psychopath,” Kara returned coldly, rising from her seat in front of the computer so Wonder Woman could talk to Wolfe.

     Harley fumed inwardly, but she’d always lived by the credo of ‘don’t get mad, get even.’ With this in mind and an evil little grin on her face, she reached into her jacket and removed one of her self-inflating whoopee cushions. She watched Supergirl start to sit, staring at her bloomer clad bum, just barely visible under her short skirt, waiting for the right moment to slip the cushion under her tight, round butt...

     A loud, rubbery farting noise emerged from beneath Kara’s rump, reverberating off the metal walls and drawing every eye in the airplane towards her. Instantly, her cheeks went as red as her cape. She reached disdainfully under her perky tush and pulled out the whoopee cushion, fuming-- and she didn’t have to look far for a target for her ire... Harley was practically rolling around on the floor with laughter.

     “Phew-wee! Blondie let loose a ripper!” she howled, determined to carry her joke to the end. “We’re lucky she didn’t blow us out of the sky, girls!”

     Shame faced and blushing, Kara was determined to get the obnoxious Harley back, and it didn’t take long for an idea to form. Deploying her heat vision, her eyes flared slightly red. She’d been practising using it with Clark for months now, experimenting with temperature control and learning to use reflective surfaces to bank and angle her shots. She put this knowledge to use now, angling a beam of pure heat off a nearby coffee pot, sending it directly into the seat below Harley’s leather-clad butt. The beam’s intensity was so low, Harley actually continued her laughing and joking for a few more moments before the heat began to rise.

     “Seriously, I thought she was going to blast off!” Harley said between chortles, wiping away an imaginary tear. “Someone better crack a window on this crate before we all suffocaaaAAAAIII!”

     The metal beneath her chair was suddenly searing hot, and Harley lept to her feet, beginning a frantic and hilarious war dance, hopping from foot to foot and rubbing her searing backside. “My biscuits are burning!” She whooped, hamming it up for laughs that weren’t coming (except from Supergirl, proud of her handiwork, and Batgirl, who had endured Harley’s annoying pranks and pratfalls for years.)

     “Quiet, all of you!” Diana thundered, irritated by the unprofessional behaviour of her teammates. Was she the only one taking this seriously?

     When her words didn’t bring order, she turned to the sleek, beautiful Zatanna, who watched the proceedings with board disapproval. No words were passed between them, but Zatanna knew exactly what Diana wanted, and she gave the warrior princess a nod of understanding, and she took and breath, clearing her mind and readying her magic:

     “Pu tuhs dna nwod tis yelraH,” she intoned in her eerie, echoing voice, the backwards syllables sounding utterly alien. Almost instantly, Harley slammed her rounded rump back into the seat (which, though it had cooled, was still uncomfortably hot, especially against an already roasted bottom.) Clenching her jaw shut to prevent herself from making another sound, Harley reflected that her buns hadn’t been this toasty since the last time she found herself across Mr. J’s lap!

     “Thank you, Zatanna,” Diana said, turning towards the monitor and answering the call, frowning when Wolfe’s smiling face appeared onscreen... she could tell just by looking at him that he was having impure thoughts about her.

     “Hello my dear,” he said cordially, his voice warm and oily. “You’re looking very cute today.”

     “Wolfe,” she responded curtly, bristling at his condescension. “Are you going to explain this ridiculous game of yours or not?”

     “Temper temper, dear,” he smiled. “I’ll have you all back in diapers before you know it,” he assured her, his confidence both irritating and worrying.

     “Are you going to explain yourself or simply annoy us into submission?” The Amazon Princess said archly, trying not to let him get under her skin.

     “It’s simplicity itself, sweetie: As team leader, you make decisions about where to move your team and how to utilize them... for every ‘move’ you make, I will make a countermove. If you can make it to the lobby of my building, I’ll place myself in your custody willingly... however, if I’m able to regress every member of your team before that, I will proceed with my ultimate goals of regression the entire female half of the human race.”

     “You’re depraved,” Diana spat, sickened.

     Wolfe simply smiled in response. “We’re going to have to have a chat about your attitude, dear.”

The craft touched down smoothly just beyond Wolfe’s energy curtain, it’s beautiful passengers disembarking. The energy veil shimmered lightly in the air before them, hardly visible... but it was most definitely there and performing it’s function, as evidence by the car that had apparently been cut in half when it came down so suddenly. Wonder Woman could see no traffic of any kind going in or out, suggesting that the barricade was effective.

     “Did everyone remember their arm-bands?” she asked, looking back over her troops.

     “Alright,” she said when she received no negative responses, “let’s go ladies.” With a determined expression, she lead them towards the barrier, already planning her first move.

What should Wonder Woman’s first move be?