Flash Fiction (Patreon)

Same Old Story

Okay new kid, I know you’re in shock right now, so I’m gonna answer some questions for you before you even have the time to ask them:

Yes, you are wearing a diaper. Yes, you are going to pee and poop in it if you haven’t already. It’s inevitable and unless you’re thinking about it all the time, you might not even realize you’re doing it. You are completely unpotty trained; I guarantee you don’t remember the steps in using the potty.  I guarantee you you don’t even remember a synonym for potty.

Don’t believe me? Try it.  You can’t, can you?  Yeah, it’s like there’s some big mental block or something, right?  Like you’re trying to remember a really hard math test that you crammed all night for and it’s right there on the tip of your tongue?  Same, new kid, same.

Now try to take off your diaper. Same deal, right?

No, I have no clue how you ended up here. No idea how you got that diaper on, either. What I do know is how you’re going to get literally every other diaper on and off, and it’s exactly what you think it is.  Get used to strangers seeing your private parts and touching your genitals in the least sexual way possible.   It is what it is.

See that old lady? That’s Miss Gertie. She’s pretty good at taking care and still being professional. Diaper changes, nap times, bottles.  If you just want it over with, try to get Miss Gertie’s attention. She gets the job done and doesn’t talk down to you…as much.

Miss Lola? She’s who you get if you’re looking for attention, attention.  She will go along with almost anything you say to her and tries to make literally EVERYTHING a game.  The woman has no off switch.  It can be nice, but it’s exhausting. Also, she’s the one that’s most likely to just flip you over and change you right here on the floor so she doesn’t “interrupt” you.  

Mr. Jay is kind of a happy medium. Just be careful, his default play is tickling.

What’s that? Have I considered just calmly and rationally explaining to these people that I’m not, in fact, a small child?  Gee! I haven’t thought of that before! You’d think that I’m five foot ten and a buck eighty would be self-evident. But everybody who isn’t LIKE US is somehow logic proof.

You haven’t died of public embarrassment until you’re getting changed in a park and a preschooler who just got potty trained starts making commentary. For some reason, logic and proportion are totally fucked up for us now.

Oh yeah, speaking of which, I got some bad news and some good news.  The bad news is the baby treatment isn’t going to end here.  By the end of the day, someone is going to pick you up from here and be your new Mommy or Daddy. You might get one of each, or a couple, even.  It’s gonna be someone close to you, too.  Your spouse, your best friend, maybe your boss from work; could be anybody really.  But they’re gonna remember you as being like this and think feeding you in a highchair is the most normal thing in the world.  Tina got picked up by her actual parents, poor Tina.  That was a rough couple of weeks as she coped with moving back in and finding her old room had turned into a fresh nursery.

What’s the good news?  That whatever makes the people in here think that we’re babies applies to the people out there, too?  Do you know how awful it would be to be pushed around the mall in a stroller and have people NOT think you were cute as a button?  I sleep behind bars every night, but I don’t wanna go to jail.  Not like this.

So yeah. That’s about it for orientation. Lunch is at noon. Nap time is at one. You can look around and see what’s available for play.  Ask anybody to play with you, most of us will say yes.  Just don’t ask us about our origin stories or whatever; it gets old.  If they wanna tell ya, they’ll tell ya.  Other than that, just try not to have a complete mental breakdown, I guess.

Hm?  Well, will you look at that?. I think you already peed. Ripped that band-aid right off, didn’t ya?  So I guess the question is “Do you wanna cry about it and get changed like a baby, or do you want to ignore it and go play…also like a baby?”.  

Yeah, that’s the choice I made too. I still prolong getting changed as much as I can. Come on, let’s play.