Flash Fiction: Greetings (Patreon)

Greetings!

“Hello. Welcome to Walmart,” Randy said.  “Welcome to Walmart.  Welcome to Walmart.”  The sixty-five year old stood just inside the entrance, droning on to shoppers who didn’t even care.  He was practically a human motion sensor.  Whether they said ‘Hello’ back or not barely registered.  

Randy didn’t much care.  He wasn’t being paid by the reply.  He was being paid to stand there, say ‘Hello’ and ‘Welcome to Walmart’ for as many hours as he was scheduled.  If somebody asked for directions, he’d point them in the right direction, but mostly he was just a talking version of one of those Buckingham Palace guards.

“Hello.  Welcome to Walmart.”

Then the most curious thing happened.

A young lady, blonde hair, mid twenties walked into the store. She was attractive, as far Walmart customers went, but nothing to take notice of.  Her loose gray T-shirt with the nearby college football team emblazoned on it and tight blue jeans with white sneakers were a dime a dozen around these parts.

What caught Randy’s attention was what-or who-she was carrying. It was naked, riding on her hip, and wrapped up in what looked like a T-shirt over its bum and not much else.  To Randy it kind of looked like a baby.  But babies didn’t have beards.

“Excuse me,” the young lady said, coming right up to Randy. “Can you tell me where the baby section is?”

“Help!”  the tiny person in the woman’s arms, screamed at the top of their little lungs. “Call an ambulance!  Help!”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” the woman said to the bearded child in her arms.  “You just shrunk in the parking lot.”

Randy cocked an eyebrow in mild curiosity. “Did you say, he shrunk?”

“DO YOU THINK PEOPLE NORMALLY LOOK LIKE THIS?”

Randy adjusted his glasses. No. He supposed they didn’t. But to each their own.

“Yeah,” the woman talked over the tantruming man on her hip.  “It was kind of weird. Anyway, baby section?”

Oh yeah. He still had a job to do.  “Back that away. Across from the grocery section on your left. You’ll see all the diapers. Can’t miss ‘em.”

“Perfect! Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Honey! What are you saying?!” the tiny man shrieked.

“Gotta get you in some diapees,” she cooed the way that mothers do. “Your old t-shirt will leak.”

Randy nodded, trying to be supportive of the young woman. “She’s right, son.  You wouldn’t want that to happen would you? Make your Mommy have to clean up a puddle?”

The baby man balled up his fists. “I’m not a baby! I don’t wear diapers!  I just now shrunk! Why isn’t anybody else freaking out about this?”

Randy shrugged. He wasn’t paid to freak out. And he’d seen kids on the verge of a breakdown coming into or out of Walmart. If it wasn’t one thing, it was always another.  They didn’t want to stop watching cartoons to go shopping.  They didn’t get the toy or the candy they wanted.  They’d just shrunk down to roughly the size of a one year old and were having an existential crisis about being forced back into diapers.  It was all the same deep down.

“Don’t worry about it young fella,” Randy said. “Just relax and go with the flow.”  To his caregiver he said.  “Ma’am, in case you want it, there’s shopping carts behind you. Might help make things more manageable.”

“Oh!” the new mother said. “That’s right!” She nuzzled the man.  “We’re going to have to get more than just diapers. You’ll need clothes, and bottles, and food, and a car seat.” She looked back to Randy. “Cribs?”

“We’ve got some, yeah. They’re pretty big though.”

“That’s okay, we came in his pickup.”

She jogged over to the shopping carts and put the baby in.

“Hello. Welcome to Walmart. Hello.  Hello. Welcome to Walmart.”  He nodded at the pair as they doubled back, now with a bawling infant of a man in the cart’s baby seat.  If he were the right size, he’d look pathetic. But he was baby sized, so he looked kind of cute.  He’d get sorted out soon enough.  He’d get a bottle and a diaper and be right as rain.

“Oh, one more thing!” the young woman blushed. “Diapers come in different sizes, right?  What size do you think my husband is?”

Randy furrowed his brow and shrugged. “I’m not sure, ma’am. I never had kids.”

“Okay. No problem. We’ll figure it out.”

Off she went, with him hollering “HEEEEEEEEEEELP! I’M NOT A BABY!”

Well that was neat.  “Hello. Welcome to Walmart. Welcome. Welcome to Walmart. Hello.”