Ersatz (Part 5) (Patreon)

Drew

Drew did not normally dream, not that he could remember anyways. After a good night’s sleep he would waken feeling refreshed, if slightly groggy, and have the vague feeling of having been dreaming, but the details were always fuzzy and Drew didn’t see much point in exploring them assigning meaning to them.  If it was a good dream, he’d wake up feeling good. If it was a bad one, he’d wake up feeling grumpy or startled.

Upon waking from his exhausted nap, Drew actually managed to get a glimpse at what his subconscious had been processing.  He, Brittney, Tyler, and Christy had all been babies crawling around on the floor and babbling to themselves having a wonderful time. They wore, not just diapers, but onesies and rompers; the sort of things babies who weren’t ready for big kid style clothes were dressed in..  Brittney in particular, had been wearing a dress with a hem so short as to be largely decorative since it didn’t impede her crawling.

That gave Drew a good look at his wife’s padded ass while she crawled around on the floor. Oh yeah…

It would have been a silly, if slightly disturbing dream, one he never would have talked about to anyone and quickly forgotten.  As his unconscious went offline and his conscious mind took back over he remembered where he was, and why he’d likely dreamt that clicked into place.  

Drew frowned in disgust and embarrassment at himself. It’s awkward enough to wake up feeling the pressure of a massive erection.  The feeling got more compounded by the presence of Tyler and Christy.  Trapped in a room, unable to have sex with his wife, and nowhere to masturbate. Truly first world problems. Too bad this wasn’t Drew’s first world.

He grunted to himself. He probably just had to pee.

The behemoth comforter that the four friends shared was more like a weighted parachute. As a result, Drew didn’t throw off his blankets as much as he crawled out from under them. Not wanting to wake his friends up, he was as quiet as possible, already formulating a chain of events in his head.  Get up, slide off of the massive bed.  Find the Gloria, the giant woman who lived here, and ask her to help with removing the diaper.

A chill ran through Drew’s spine and he wrinkled his nose at the thought of it.  A diaper?  That he couldn’t take off?  It’d be terrifying if it weren’t so absurdly ridiculous.  Just in case, he pulled at the tapes. Besides the very edges which likely didn’t have any adhesive, each comically large tape refused to budge.  He shifted on his knees and tugged down on the thing, but it did no good. This was a diaper, not a pull-up.  Yanking down on the garment like it was underwear only made the whole thing tighten up around his waist.

Like a Chinese finger puzzle.

Or a noose.

Drew sneered at the cartoon monkeys playfully tumbling and crawling just beneath his belly button.  To be so dependent on others was against the very nature of his being. He was the strong one, the dependable one, the facilitator, and caregiver.  Brittney called the shots, and he made them happen.  Waiting and having to depend on a lady at least old enough to be his mother went against his very nature.  

Wearing the diaper had been an understandable compromise given the resources at hand. Having it put on him was acceptable too, both to make the others comfortable and quite frankly, Drew hadn’t been sure he could have done that by himself anyways. Shouldn’t he at least be able to take it off?

Under his diaper, Drew’s hard-on still raged, not that one could tell from the outside. The layers of padding between his legs was such that if it weren’t for the feeling of his dick pressing fiercely against the bulk from the inside, it might be imperceptible. Cautiously, he poked at himself and could barely feel a tickle; only a spongy squish and a not so crisp crinkle.

 The image of his wife crawling around making his libido sit up and take notice.  Near the end of the dream, he’d been following her and then caught a whiff of something nasty.  She’d shit herself.  Mother fucker, why did that turn him on?  

Drew’s ears pricked up. In the relative quiet of the room, the gentle, tinkling, bell-like sounds of a xylophone trickled in from the hallway. Music. Soft, low, and aimless-like a lullaby- played in the back hallway and leaked into the guest room.

He stopped and listened to the music. There was something familiar about the notes, almost nostalgic.  Maybe the music wasn’t as aimless as he thought.  Over and over again, it looped the same musical phrase.  Had he had the mind to, he probably could have woken Brittney up and asked her what the song was. Or Tyler more likely. His brain was always bouncing with random trivia.

After the third loop, Drew had it figured out on his own.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

The old nursery rhyme!  He’d never heard it put to music, but the simple cadence of the xylophone linked up perfectly with it.  Huh. Neat.

Finally, he turned his head and took stock of his companions. He should wake them up before asking to use the bathroom. Gloria presented nice enough, but they were still in a strange world and being alone should be avoided if possible. Tyler would likely have to pee too.  So would Brittney.  So would Christy, assuming she hadn’t pissed herself again.

Wow.  Where had that thought come from?  That was fair. He chastised himself and leaned over to shake Tyler awake.  “Hey…” he whispered. “Hey bud…”

Drew’s hand stopped before he came close to jostling Tyler. Tyler was asleep on his stomach, his face contorting in conflicting and unusual ways. His expression vacillated between pleasure and frustration, smiling and frowning in rapid succession.  Little humming noises that sounded more like moaning buzzed between his closed lips. Drew watched with queer fascination while his friend puckered his lips and kissed the air.  

Tyler was moving, too, in a way to suggest what he might be dreaming about. The bed was too big for any one of them to make the springs creak, and everything beneath the shoulderblades was obscured by the comforter, but Drew could tell that most of the movement was coming from down below.  Tyler was literally humping the mattress in his sleep.

His eyes darted over to Brittney, suddenly uncomfortable. Neither spouse had been laid directly next to one another and as such Brittney was in danger of waking up to Tyler having a very different kind of wet dream and using his diaper for a purpose the manufacturers definitely didn’t intend.  

That worry abated and was replaced with something worse a second later. Next to Tyler, Brittney was on her back, and quite visibly teasing her nipples. She was making the same desperate and sexually frustrated noises and facial expressions Tyler was. Drew knew that her hips rising and falling beneath the comforter was more than just her unconsciously adjusting her back.  At the far end of the big bed, Christy had her hands under her covers but was rubbing herself so hard as to be shaking.

“Guys…” Drew’s voice came out painfully quiet.  “What are you doing? Wake up. Wa-.”

Drew’s breath caught in his throat. Tyler’s hips had stopped moving so much.  He’d gathered up his knees beneath him, but was keeping his head firmly on the pillow so that his ass was above his head. His face froze and gained a look of intense concentration as he exhaled and popping muffled farts exited his back side.  “Hrrrrrrnnnnn….”  Those were more than farts.

To Drew’s horror, Tyler’s face slackened and smiled peacefully…then his body went back to humping the mattress.

“The fuck…” Drew mouthed.  He wanted to wake Tyler up and snap him out of whatever dream he was having, but was racked with indecision. How did one explain to their best friend that they were masturbating and shitting themselves in their sleep?

Instinctively, Drew braced himself for the deluge of terrible odors that would no doubt hit him in the face. When they were younger, Tyler could rip some nasty ones.  No smell came, though; no fog of stench clouded over him.  But when Drew inhaled through his nostrils he was able to catch brief, subtle notes of stuff best left in the sewer; like it was in his imagination.  

The smell was there, Drew decided, but it wasn’t potent as much as it was omnipresent. Kind of like how all men’s public restrooms smelled vaguely of piss. It was noticeable after a few gulps of fresh air, but it became strangely tolerable if you lingered long enough. Drew wasn’t hit with the smell because he was already inside of it.

A mortifying lightbulb popped up in Drew’s brain.  He touched the front of his own swollen, squishing diaper. It hadn’t been this spongy before he’d passed out. Nor this heavy. It was still clinging firmly to his hips, but it drooped and sagged between his thighs, swinging and sludging with every movement like his underwear was part water bed.  

The light was dim, but the sun wasn’t fully set and if Drew squinted directly at his crotch he could pick out faint traces of yellow discoloration bleeding through the formerly pristine white plastic. He sat back on his knees and became acutely aware that something solid was pressing up against the heel of his foot besides his tailbone.

He hadn’t needed to pee at all.

An animal’s scream rattled out of Drew.  “FUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

Three pairs of eyes popped open. Tyler, Brittney and Christy all shot up wide awake.like stray cats. Tyler scrambled to his feet, his diaper sagging beneath him. Brittney sat up pulled her piece of comforter up to her chest.  Drew was looking at her the moment her eyes registered what the squish was between her legs and the lumpy mush directly under her bottom meant.

“NOT AGAIN!” Christy wailed, her face melting into tears.


“GUYS! WE SHIT OURSELVES!”  Those were words Drew never thought he’d have to say out loud.

Thunderous, hurried footsteps signaled the giant lady’s approach. All but Drew attempted the same futile tactics of trying to peel off their tapes and hoist down their ruined undergarments.

The door burst open. A panicked looking Gloria high stepped over a baby gate that had been wedged into the doorway. “What happened?” She asked.

Drew went silent. Tyler started stammering, his brain going too fast for his mouth.  Brittney was just starting to make a perfectly calm and reasonable explanation that Drew could tell she didn’t believe.  Christy was having a breakdown.

Gloria sniffed, frowned, and then her eyes lit came alive with recognition.  “Oh dear. I see”  She bounded over to Drew and snatched him off the edge of the bed. Drew landed on her hip, with her hand directly beneath his mushy bottom, pressing the mass up against him.  “Yup. Thought so. Don’t worry, honey, Granny will fix.”

Granny?!  Drew was caught too off guard to object. His heart thudded, his pulse raised. His knuckles were pure white.

“Where are we going?” he asked, finding his voice.

“Changing table,” the giant said, quickstepping. “You had an accident.”

“I know, but…just let me…” Crap, how did he say this without having a humiliation aneurysm?  Let me change myself out of my own shitty diaper was not something an adult should need to advocate for.

His back was on the changing table before he spit the words out. “It’s okay,” Gloria chirped. “I deal with this all the time.”

Drew tried to sit up.  He felt like a wolf that had been rolled over onto its back. “No! Wait!”  

The giantess pinned him back down to the mat with one hand. “Nuh-uh-uh.  I don’t know how grown-ups do it on your Earth, but I do not want to risk you getting a rash.”  She pulled a strap over his chest and tugged it tight.  For all his strength Drew couldn’t move.  “Now be sensible young man, and let Granny take care of you.”

She didn’t wait for Drew to give his consent.  The silence lasted just long enough for the tapes on his diaper to sound off like a gunshot.  “Don’t!”

The first baby wipe glided across his penis and genitals killing any of the remaining lust he’d felt. Gloria kept humming Humpty Dumpty and Drew entered a full body blush.  He’d let himself be diapered once, but being diapered and having one’s diaper changed were very different things.  One was putting on a costume. The other was…a diaper change.

“Honestly,” Gloria chuckled. “I don’t see what you’re so embarrassed about.”  She bundled up his ankles in one hand and hoisted his legs up as though he were weightless. “I’m a Granny and a nanny. I’ve changed dozens of little boys with messy bottoms just like yours. You don’t have anything I haven’t already seen.”

“Like hell you have!” Drew protested.  He jerked his head.  “How many babies have you seen with pubes?”

The crass remark didn’t so much as bring color to the old woman’s cheeks.  “I know you’re not a baby,” Gloria said. Her reassurances didn’t stop her from cleaning every crevice south of Drew’s waist.  Nor did it stop her from balling up the used diaper, tossing it, and getting a new one. “I’m just helping you clean up.  It’s my job.”

“Just give me my old pants back!”

She didn’t answer  at first, save by slipping a new diaper underneath him, powdering his bum and taping said fresh  diaper up over him.  “Sorry, dear,” she sighed.  She unbuckled him, lifted him up and quickly plopped him back down in a playpen that hadn’t been setup before the nap.  “Your big boy pants are in the wash and probably won’t fit over your diaper.”

Drew rattled the padded top bumper in a fit. “Fit over my-?”  

“Be right back,” Gloria cut him off. “I need to get your little friends sorted out,” and she darted off calling,  “I’m coming sweeties! I’m coming!”

Drew was witness to, one by one, as each of his oldest friends and his wife was taken to the changing table, stripped down naked, wiped clean, powdered, re-diapered, and then placed in the playpen with him. All of them protested and bargained and screamed. All were ignored. All needed the change.  Tyler wouldn’t shut up; wouldn’t stop talking to himself. He and Christy held each other when the woman’s breakdown didn’t abate.  Brittney was last, and fared no better.  

One by one, the giantess pelted them with condescending platitudes.

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Granny will take care of it.”

“If you’re really a grown-up then do Granny a favor and hold still.”

“You’ll feel so much better when you’re nice and clean.”

It wasn’t until all of them had been thoroughly humiliated in front of each other, and all of their diapers changed did Gloria seem to come out of a kind of trance and address them.  “There. Better?”

“What the fuck do you mean my pants won’t fit over this thing?” Drew repeated himself, angrier than before.

Rather than play coy semantics, Gloria adjusted her glasses, and talked straight.  “Drew. You’re here. You look like a baby. You’ve had about five hours of sleep, and already you’ve had an uncontrolled bowel movement and nocturnal enuresis; bed wetting. A few hours ago, Miss Christy was in soaked panties and if you don’t mind me saying so, dear, you seemed very comfortable in them.”  That sent Christy into another round of quiet bawling.  “What would you do if our positions were reversed?”

“That’s not normal for us, though!” Brittney piped in.

The big granny held up her hand and Brittney fell silence. “I believe you.”  That earned her a second of stunned silence. “You’re incredibly articulate and no one would make a fake ID for an actual baby. But like you’ve told me, you’re not from here.  Maybe there’s something in the air here that’s affecting your digestion.”

“What if something was in the milk?” Tyler mumbled more to himself than anyone else.

“Good point,” Gloria said. “What if my cow milk affects your bodies differently than your cow milk. You do have cow’s where you’re from, right?”  The four nodded grimly as much as they could.  “Maybe there’s something going on there. I can’t just let you poor things starve.  So I think it’s perfectly reasonable to keep the diapers on until we can be sure you’re not going to have any more accidents.”

“You didn’t need to talk down to us like we were kids,” Drew growled.

“And you didn’t need to huff and curse and tantrum like a child,” Gloria retorted.  “I was just reacting to the stimulus presented to me. What’s your excuse?”

Drew had no answer.

“Why the playpen?” Brittney wondered.

Gloria winced. “When I heard the screaming, I knew you were going to be upset.  I didn’t want one of you running off or attacking me while I was cleaning another up.  I saw that bite on the mail lady.” The old woman hunkered down so she was eye level with the quartet.  “You’re still tired, I can tell.  It’s getting late, and my real charges will be here first thing in the morning.  Let me take you out, get you something to eat, and now that we’re all calm, we can talk about our game plan for tomorrow.  Deal?”

 Drew looked to each of his companions.  Even Brittney was too shaken to speak up.  Looks like Drew would have to agree for them.  “Deal.’