Apologies (Patreon)

Hello!

I wanted to explain the current situation I'm in. To begin with, I had to pause my studies due to money shortage, for a while now, and to help on expenses as well as to get by, I started doing commissions every now and then, and it proved to be better than working 10 hours for less than $10 usd without any kind of title or connection where I live. It was practically my main source of income, at times the only.

February however, was bad. The drawings were there to complete, yet I decided to take commissions because I didn't took into account the time spent on sketches. Out of which many went under corrections, second versions, scrapped poses, characters, just to in the end, get barely any confirmation or people wanting to send a payment. There were people that did wanted to proceed, but I did not. I was exhausted and honestly, sad to continue with these, now knowing that there was pretty much no time left for the patreon content I planned/promised believing I could do more than I really could. 

-A bad commission model

-An unclear goal

-Incompetence as a person/""artist""

I believed that due to my lack of knowledge and skill, sketching things beforehand  prior to receive any payment was the way to go. I still don't know if that's lack of confidence, naiveness or perhaps the truth. The only thing that's for sure is that it was my decision, so there were going to be consequences from which I have to take responsability.   

I haven't figured out what went wrong in that regard. I prefer to leave it that people have their own doings, and maybe the last month was (maybe) particularly bad for everybody, due to the current situation we're in. Pandemic, Jobs/personnel cuts, etc.

Sorry for getting a bit sensitive here , but right now the "personal stuff" I've been keeping mostly to myself, because that would mean "venting" again, is that at times I've been struggling with keeping up the content. There's the feeling of "not having reason to do so", due to feeling stuck and even intimidated at being bad at it compared to others. The truth behind this page, is that I started without a goal, almost exactly with the entirety of my drawings as soon as I started noticing the increase on followers and interest in particular content.

Please don't think I'm against the content I've been pulling, or that I'll quit, I realize there's a reason why I keep doing it: I like it. I don't feel bad looking at that kind of content, and I look forward to get better at it.

If anything, it's more a situation where I feel adrift at times.

So before falling down into the despair/depression/frustration/self-loathing spiral like I did around 4 months ago, I see it more like this: This situation is already happening. This platform, the patreon page, it's already open.  People are there, the compromise is here. And possibly the most important thing: There's necessity.

If there's a problem then I'll be more open and honest, first with myself and then to everybody. I want to believe that there's some mutual feeling of "trust" either as people or as patroners, but there are people here. 

Not many people decide to support some other random person, that's something that is still new for me. Thank you very much for your patience and your support.