Goodie Pack AUGUST 2023 (Patreon)

Hey there, guys and gals! Functional human being Newman here with a new Goodie Pack!

This one I had a ton of fun with. I'm pretty proud of Gwen sexy selfie in particular. Let me know what you think.

And now for the explanation to my messy life some of you had been asking for... Here we go.

Firstly, I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, although I'm not hyperactive), and secondly I am a dumb fuck. There's a lot more to it, but the gist is just that. I know the former is not that big a deal, lots of people have it (lots of creative people, actually), it's easy to treat... The thing is, I never was actually diagnosed or treated until very recently. I've lived all my life feeling like a mess and trying to cope with it, but using regular organization methods always ended up making me feel even more of a walking disaster. Teachers told my parents I was intelligent, but lazy ("He just doesn't care about anything he doesn't want to learn!"). Everyone was constantly telling me I ought to pay more attention, I had to get a calendar and stick with it, I should just BE more organized, I should, I had to, I oughta. Well, as it turns out, I've been making 10 times more effort than everyone else my whole life, only to disappoint them again and again. They thought I didn't care enough, which broke my heart, because I knew they were wrong, but facts speak louder than words. What were they supposed to think? Well, I am organized, I do care, and I am DEFINITELY not lazy. I know you teachers didn't know, but you know what? here's a nice "fuck you" to ya anyway.

Enter the solution. Some years ago, I had some issues with an ex. We went to couple's therapy, originally to see how we could cope with what I perceived was only hers to fix (terrible anger explosions, hardcore shit), but the therapist was perceptive and sent me to a colleague. Much like The Matrix's Morpheus he tried to explain, but knowing results is the best teacher, he simply said: Take this pill. If you HAVE ADD, you'll feel calmer, more in control of your ideas, and won't get overwhelmed so easily. If you DON'T, it'll be like you've had 6 cups of strong coffee.

Welp. Turns out I've lived with a dark cloud inside my head for more than 30 years. Imagine that cloud as a mess of animated scribbles. Feel free to add BBBRRRLLLGGGLLLBBLLLG as the sound it makes. Words and half-formed phrases, all SCREAMING, competing for my attention from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. It makes starting a project (no matter how small) pretty difficult, because you can't think of a list of things in order of priority, but rather ALL tasks come at you at the same time! And once you finally select one (it used to take me up to 30 min to order my thoughts in writing), you HYPER-FOCUS. Hyper-focus is great in some ways, because you work like a man possessed. You miss lunch, dinner, calls, anything important you had to do that day... only the task exists. But it is then VERY VERY difficult to switch to a different task (add another 30 min or even an hour to the previous count because the old task won't let you go). It is NUTS.

For some reason I've been very lucky and this didn't affect me when planning other people's work. Which, as a videogame project lead is pretty essential, as you can imagine. But when it comes to my own shit? Just a constant. fucking. struggle, every. single. day... Enough to make you go mad if you don't know WHY it happens to you in such a defeating way and it's only a minor annoyance to most other people you know. Remember. I didn't know why this happened. I didn't have a diagnosis. I was trying every single method I could to try to compensate for my "weird shit" to no fucking avail! You can't imagine the relief it was to FINALLY know what the fuck was wrong with my brain and put a name to it. And I could WORK! Damn, after all the effort I was used to making it was easy to! Ben X started progressing like never before. I was still wary (after all, the Simpsons had told me it was crazy to put 30 children in a closed room and expect them to stay still so I didn't believe ADD was actually real), I didn't want to depend on meds... this was all new to me, I didn't want it to change me.

Guess what? I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING did. XD

I started taking ADD pills tentatively, kept going to the psychiatrist, he kept insisting I took the pills daily (they are the dosage they give children and I still was wary!), but I didn't because I didn't feel like I really had to (it's not a curable thing, so you can just take a pill whenever and it'll work for that day) so I didn't. That was the dumb fuck thing to do.

Lots happened afterwards. Some people close to me almost died, I broke up with my ex, moved cities, changed jobs... some more stuff happened. Lots of turmoil. And when I ran out of pills (I was reading a lot about ADD, watching videos with professional psychiatrists, other people with ADD talking about their issues, and even stand-up routines about the subject by then) I realized how much of a mess I actually was, since I had the "calm, productive me" to compare my then current self with!

I called my psychiatrist back in Barcelona... but he wouldn't answer my calls AT ALL. I have no idea to this day why he'd leave a former patient hanging like that, but what I know is it was a VERY LONG and painfully bureaucratic process to get my ADD under control again. I hated myself, felt like a huge disappointment to you guys every day, lived in a crumbling flat I was paying way too much money to keep standing, got more frustrated that I've ever been in my life about... LIFE, I got a new awesome GF but then lost her, and of course, I got depressed. I kept pushing through, there was no other choice, but it was a fucked up time in my life. Specially because now I knew what the solution was but it was out of my reach and control!

I felt like I maybe should tell you guys about the whole thing, but it felt so defeatist. I didn't want you guys to think I was giving up! The thought of you not believing Ben X was ever going to come out was too fucking much. I would have still finished the game, ADD or not, Patreon or not, no matter how long it took, but I knew as soon as I was treated again, I would go back to working without having to do all this mental fucking juggling just to write a couple of damn lines of dialog a day. So. I kept making the coolest Goodie Packs I could every month so I could keep my promise to you that way, and I worked on small Ben X things I thought I could manage. All the while cursing my crumbling flat, my ex-psychiatrist, and life in general.

Fast-forward to a couple of months ago. Everything that was wrong in my life? It started to FIX ITSELF! Healthcare took care of the ADD pills, my ex-GF (the awesome one) left a job that was the reason we couldn't be together, my father decided he didn't want to live in his place anymore but couldn't be bothered to sell it so now I apparently HAVE A HOUSE (I've turned it into a drawing paradise. I have 2 different rooms for working in and it's made my working hours an absolute joy), and I finally got my driving license, so I don't feel trapped in my hometown (which yeah, it can happen when you leave at 18 and return as a fully independent adult) and I can just go for a long walk with Murphy to disconnect... EVERYTHING WAS FIXED. The weigh off my shoulders was shockingly heavy. I had no idea myself.

This month has been amazing. I'm taking care of the house (fixing things, cleaning, organizing), I'm reading, practicing my drawing and enjoying it in a way I hadn't for years and years (expect better anatomy from my work from now on), I'm keeping 2 notebooks (one for life stuff, one for work) and a few digital helpers so I can plan my week (and I follow them every week which was unthinkable in the past as I got too nervous and felt like crap when I forgot about any plans I had made so just HAD to stop), I'm working on Ben X without having breakdowns whenever I consider what to do next, I'm loved, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I CAN SWITCH BETWEEN TASKS WITH NO EFFORT!! :D

Just so you know, I will never use ADD as an excuse for anything. I don't know how other people cope with it, but for me it's the opposite! NOW I know it's easy to get results when I work hard! Why the fuck would I work less now? My father thinks I'm going crazy because I'm doing so much stuff these days, but fuck yeah I am! I can now! I don't burn out! How would you feel if you FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER working at home were productive as fuck and it didn't exhaust you at all!?

So yeah. Sorry for the long-ass explanation. I can and will answer any questions you may have. Here or better even, on Discord. I have left a lot of shit out of this post, but you know, HUGE block of text and all that. I'm an open book. I've always been. Show me your weird bits, I'll show you mine, hehe.

Oh yeah, and here's your link! XD

MEGA 

Talk whenever you want, guys. Thank you so much to all of you weirdoes who have been so incredibly understanding and have shared your particular brain shit when I told you about my brain shit. You've made my anxiety at telling you all this fucking vanish. You fucking rock, you charming, funny, awesome perverts. I can never thank you enough. But thanks. Really :) Delux-O pack in a bit.

Newman.