Morning Meditation 2/26/24 (Patreon)

Everyday things become a little clearer.

I slept a bit late last night, around midnight and awoke at 730 in the morning. I still feel it, I need more than 8 hours of sleep, but as it currently stands, it’s not possible. Whether it’s the absence of my partner next to me, my physical pain, or emotional—whatever it is, I awoke without need of an alarm and I only feel maybe 70% rested. But we work on it a little bit more, every single day.

I’m currently sitting in the cafe near my office, it’s a short stone’s throw of a walk, and a calm beautiful place at that. For the past hour, over a warm cup of coffee I’ve been winding up by enriching myself with philosophy and poems. (I’m testing out how badly a small cup of coffee early morning will affect me; coffee is good for my gout so I’m trying to incorporate even just a little!)

My entire life, my base instinct has always been at conflict with what I became. As a young child, through my teenage years, and into adulthood—I’ve been drawn to big ideas, challenging ideas; and was made to feel like there was something “wrong” with me.

Two years ago, I came across Stoic philsophy and Adlerian psychology. These two principles helped organize my thoughts and ideas that were in disarray. And ultimately, my dream project I’m working on ‘BRAVE: The Odyssey’ is deeply rooted unintentionally in Adlerian psychology. These schools of thought made me feel not so “alone” and it made me feel like I’m not crazy anymore.

The idea of Adlerian psychology is based in teleology, which is the study of PURPOSE behind a person’s behavior, whereas etiology is the study of causality behind a person’s behavior.

Think of it like this: etiology is “I behave this way because x happened to me” whereas teleology is “To what purpose do I behave this way?” One is deeply rooted in the past whilst one looks towards the future.

Most people are stuck largely in etiological thinking, and the same can be said for quite literally everyone in my life. For the past 5 years from my mother to Blaire to my friends—I’ve been given excuses as to why they cannot change, even try to be healthy or happy; and the end result is “it’s too late for me to change because of X”.

I grew obsessed with trying to fix or change or help people; and in turn, I didn’t notice that I had become so immersed in other’s lives I completely neglected my own. All of their habits became mine, and I lost my sense of self.

But I’m not blaming others. To blame others would be to just go back into etiological thinking. Instead, I’m pursuing a balance of both. Why do I always lose my sense of self when I open my heart to others? It took me ten years to change as a person overall, I certainly can’t expect others, even with my help, to change overnight or even within a few years. And when I lose my sense of self, when I am willing to give up everything about me, even my physical, mental, and emotional health to help others—it’s only natural the people I try to help don’t change; because I myself have not been consistent.

When I’m alone, I’m “perfect”. When I block off contact with my family, when I’m single and living alone, I’m “mentally OK” and think with clear thought.

But humans aren’t meant to be alone nor do I wish to be alone.

This has me excited now for therapy. I’m excited to figure out, why am I not mentally or emotionally strong enough to hold onto my sense of self? What is this struggle inside of me, that if my mother screams and fight—why do I scream and fight back? If Blaire struggles with letting go of her past, why do I also do the same? If the Patrons want me to do a bit more work, then why do I do a lot more?

I’m not saying etiology is wrong, I think it’s essential to addressing the root cause of problems, but for one’s mindset—how we live about our daily lives, it’s more important to think “what will this accomplish by me behaving this way” as opposed to “I behave this way because of this previous trauma”.

Anyway, some food for thought. I’m not trying to preach to any of you, rather just share my musings and hopefully this speaks to or resonates with someone who may need it. If you feel lost, if you feel aimless, if you feel as though you cannot change—I highly encourage you read into Adlerian psychology or even Stoic philosophy. There is no right way to live life, but if there’s possibly a better way, I believe it’s always worth checking out.

Here’s my schedule for today:

1100 - 1200: Lunch + Backlog setup/general light cleaning of just work area

1200 - 1330: Upload backlog + TAXES

1330 - 1430: Read + Continue uploading backlog

1430 - 1600: Upload backlog + FINISH MY TAXES

1600 - 1700: Dinner + Errands

1700 - 1830: Wind Down

1830 - 1930: Read

2000: Bed time baby

It’s a slow start to the week, but as I get a little rest, hopefully we can wind up to a better place with a clean organized office, the backlog done, and most of my administrative work finished by the end of the week.

Here’s to a better day than yesterday, better health, better posture, and a more thrilling outlook on life.

Have a wonderful day 😌

Jaehyuk PD