Tomorrow’s videos will be out in the day time/afternoon! (Patreon)

Hello hello!

I hope you enjoyed today’s videos. I filmed them last night, rather late and I’m waking up very late and my body is in a lot of pain. I’m going to rest today as I need to exercise, yoga, and chill immensely.

I’ll still release videos tomorrow, but letting y’all know in advance, they will be released in the day time!

Mind you, while it is because I slept rather late, it’s not the reacting per say. What I thought would be 90 minutes of just cleaning yesterday turned into spending the entire day cleaning and organizing. A lot of long put off chores and I discovered a bug infestation that was causing my weird seed problem (fruit fly droppings apparently) and I spent the day clearing the whole place out and sanitizing it.

It was my choice to film at night, but I chose the videos I did knowing that my physical body would be tired but I wanted to nourish my mind with vibey content to further get me in a better headspace for continued filming.

So I’m gonna rest today and sleep early to return to a normal sleep schedule, but I’ll be filming more tomorrow, release content same day in the daytime/afternoon and the rest of what I film will then release the next day at 6AM again.

—

On a personal note

Last night’s filming was… A good mix of healing and hype. I know it may seem easy for some to just sit down on camera and “react” but the truth is…

Reacting is actually a very intensely personal thing for me. I’ve been doing this in my living room, in the car, etc. since I was like 6 or 7 years old… Plus, I get in my own head a lot. Usually to start a filming session it takes maybe 10 failed intros to “get in the right headspace”.

I haven’t talked about it much since last year when I came out about my autism (around this time last year in fact), because it’s very personal and runs every part of my life and after a lifetime of suppressing it, even I had to relearn myself.

Off camera, I am not who I am on camera. I’m largely silent, stoic, and in my own head A LOT, imagining various worlds, seeing and hearing various music, and it feels like I’m often trapped in my own head.

Through the past 4 weeks as I did the backlog I’ve been faced with my self, and forced to channel all that has been trapped—out. I personally not have “rested” during this time, it’s been backlog, mental health work and training, life errands, exercising, and a lot of writing. Like a lot. And it’s returned me back to my state of being an artist.

I’ve been working with a therapist for a few weeks now, who also has autism, and they’ve been helping me navigate how to function as a human being. That sounds sad to say at 32, but up until this point, I’ve been living on instinct in “constant survival mode”. And with that mind set I only kept looking towards the future and never letting myself be present, or even breathe.

And as I was going through some personal dark moments, I stopped feeling present altogether.

Last night’s filming session was something beautiful and amazing for me. I realize now I honestly hate reacting, because as an autistic person it is forcing myself to be vulnerable and naked in front of thousands of people. But it’s also the only thing that forces me out of my head, pulls my mind out of my head and from the future, and pulls me into the present moment and grounds me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel joy. So it’s a true double edged sword I’m learning to balance. So in that way I both hate and love what I do. But that hate is just a weakness I’m actively working to conquer.

The past few days have been a moving experience, and it gave me the courage and hype to keep moving upwards. As I begin entering into filming YouTube videos, listening parties, variety, concerts, and even award shows—I hope you enjoy it but also know that I am truly present and bearing my heart when I react. It’s why my reactions are just a little bit different from others, and I hope as it moves me that I am able to move you as well.

Have a fantastic day. I’m going to go to the gym now and take a walk by the ocean.