SEPTEMBER 2021 - UPDATE (Patreon)

Good evening everyone taking the time to read this. As always makes me happy whenever I can get in touch with all of you. Even if it seems to be the contrary. Ultimately it hasn't been easy. Need to open my heart to let you know what is going on because I don't think I can't really take this boiling feeling from my chest. This little text is being written while having my kitty Serafina curling on herself but brushing her head right on my hip. Making me realise what I've been experiencing the past months, a never ending roller coaster of emotions that at some point wrecked me like a bitch. A roller coaster I can't get off of. As well, the thought of what I really wish and want to work for the future months. A more stable person with better handling of its own self, at least of its own life.

Honestly what I am about to write don't think it is not even enough unfortunately. There's so much stuff I still need to put in heavy order in my life, every single thing that never realized it was there. Stuff that is slowing me down, fears and walls to tear up. I made the comment to my therapist (which I try to visit regularly, when funds are enough) about my lack of attention towards most of my life already. Told her about lying in bed watching the ceiling, sometimes... wishing it to crush me. That I am in a never ending loop of feeling unsatisfied and almost having no progress in much of the stuff I work or I live for: my hobbies, my passions, my work even my life in general. She asked me to tell her if I ever had a feeling like this before, which made me remember those so many times and wondered which of those times were the worst. Instead of focusing mainly on it and resuming a little... yep... depression is the answer.
Sleeping has become, for a solid decade, a mechanism to defend myself from it. I felt like it was the only way to feel happiness and the happier if I could dream. Drawing was one, but since it has become my job and an everyday worry it gets harder for me to feel safe and secure. And honestly, I don't want to be like this or feel like this. It is true about taking so much work that cannot be done in a decent period of time due to personal reasons like the simple need to survive. Don't want to look like a scammer or a cash grab because I am not like this. I want to put my best, if not my whole, to every single work. Unfortunately even my attention to stuff is really so short and gets even more like a challenge when losing interest unintentionally for whatever reason. Tho I cannot promise but say to do my very best to the work I have still in queue and/or refunding to all those whose patience is almost wearing out or personally working something out.
On a brighter side not, since my stability is increasingly better have to mention about of getting back to streaming both on Picarto and/or my Discord server, got many projects like other things that I want to try out for a very long time and has been very much requested by the loving people surrounding me. Mainly, going to try to make my work my therapy. And if you are around me, to be fair I need lots of help and comprehension. Also need to give my most sincere "thank you" to every single one of you that continuously keeps inspiring me to be my very best always. Love y'all so much! Thank you again for your comprehension, hope to see you soon!