This Goddess Must Be Crazy Chapter 51 (Patreon)

Groaning, Kazuma tried to lift himself off the icy cold ground, but there was something heavy on his back. He tried to push it off, only to encounter something soft and squishy. Managing to get his head around, he saw the blushing face of Yunyun, who was lying atop him, and let out a soft groan. 

“Kazuma, you have exactly half a second to move your hand, or I will have to find a new boyfriend,” Megumin growled at him, her breath misting in the air like smoke from a dragon, and Kazuma hastily withdrew his hand. 

“Look, it’s not my fault she fell on me!” he protested as Yunyun scrambled to her feet, blushing and clutching at her chest. Megumin just shot him a venomous look, then sneezed and shivered. 

“Where are we, anyway?” Kazuma said, getting to his feet and looking around. There were only six of them now: him, Megumin and Yunyun, Uraraka, Sero, and Chris. There was little light, but his Dark Vision let him make out that they seemed to be in a cellar of some sort, with barrels and boxes in orderly stacks, with cobwebs hanging from the ceiling and support beams. 

“We got caught in the teleport trap, like rookies,” Chris said, her teeth gritted from frustration and the cold as she rubbed her bare arms and shoulders. “I can sense a lot of undead above us now.” 

“It’s f-freezing here!” Sero gasped, his teeth chattering. “It wasn’t this cold before!” 

“We must be on the Fifth Floor that Tanya warned us about, the icy world,” Uraraka said, blowing on her hands and rubbing them together. She set down the pack she’d been carrying and drew out a sweater. “At least I’m prepared. Sort of. Didn’t think it’d be THIS cold.” 

“Right, well, first things first, we gotta try to find Aqua and the others,” Kazuma said, looking around. He spotted a staircase, and made his way over towards it, even as the cold of the ground seeped up through the rubber soles of his sneakers. 

This time, he checked the stairs meticulously for traps, but didn’t find or sense much of anything. The stairs were wooden and creaky, and looked like they’d make a hell of a lot of noise when you climbed them. The only hazard was that there was ice on some of the steps so they were slippery, but no magical traps. 

“Come on. Careful, it’s slick,” Kazuma said quietly. 

“I can’t see anything,” Uraraka hissed, holding on to Chris’ shoulder. “How can you all see in the dark?!”

“Ha! Crimson Demons possess naturally superior vision, our vermillion gaze allows us to pierce both light and shadow!” Megumin bragged. 

“I can’t,” Sero told her consolingly. 

“Eh, they give everyone Dark Vision these days,” Kazuma told Uraraka. “Don’t sweat it, you’re more unique if you don’t have it.”

They slowly crept up the stairs, which dead creak and groan mightily, ruining any chance at stealth to Kazuma’s annoyance. When they got to the door at the top, he paused. “There’re nasties beyond this. A lot of them.” 

“Undead, mostly,” Chris said, her voice tight. “Other stuff too, all of it bad news. And it’s cold as hell down here. And I don’t mean that metaphorically.” 

“Wait, so the bottom floor of hell is cold, just like in Dante’s Inferno?” Sero asked, sounding surprised. 

“Nerd,” Kazuma told him. 

“What!? I’m not the one who spends all his time playing games and quoting manga and-”

“NERRRRRDDDD,” Kazuma said, then patted Sero on the back. “I knew you weren’t so bad.”

Taking a deep breath, Kazuma eased the door open slowly, letting in a bit of light. Beyond was a poorly lit hallway, the only illumination being small wax candles in various alcoves providing a weak glow. The walls were hung with dark oil paintings that looked beautiful at first, but a second glance made you feel uneasy, and Kazuma was pretty sure would drive you mad if you looked at them long enough as they grew ever more disturbing.

 The furniture he could see was either dusty or covered with white cloths, and the carpets on the floor were rich looking, but worn and faded. The temperature was still freezing, and the entire place gave off a heavy “haunted Victorian Mansion” vibe. 

“Ok,” Ururaka said upon taking one look. “Some ground rules. First: No splitting up. You split up, you die. Trust me, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that.”

“Everyone knows that,” Kazuma told her, rolling his eyes.

“Second: No hugging, no kissing, and definitely no getting busy. I’m actually thankful I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment, but seriously! Kazuma and Sero, hands to yourselves,” Uraraka told them firmly. 

“What?! Get your mind out of the gutter!” Kazuma sputtered, only to have Megumin grab his hand and pull him tightly next to her.

“Your rule is absurd, and we shall not be following it,” she huffed, her red eyes glowing faintly. 

“Seriously, you should have watched more horror movies,” Uraraka told her. “This is clearly a haunted house, only the monsters are real.”

“M-maybe,” Yunyun said, pointing a finger at a suit of armor. “LIGHT OF SABER!” 

The armor blew in half, and a black ooze began to leak from it along with a foul smell. 

“But I’m a lot scarier than any monster in here,” Yunyun said quietly. 

“Don’t say that,” Kazuma groaned, even as he had to blink the stars out of his eyes from the flash of the spell. “That’s how you trip flags.” 

Even as he said it, a moan echoed down the hall, and ghostly shapes began to drift out of the darkness, black robes with glowing red eyes hidden within their hoods. 

“Hmph. I could have made a bigger hole,” Megumin muttered, folding her arms and sulking. 

“We’ll get you outside where you can drop a nice Explosion on someone’s head soon,” Kazuma reassured her. He turned to Chris. “Well? You gonna do something about those undead?”

“I’m not Aqua, you know,” Chris huffed. Then she vanished into shadows, appearing behind the apparitions. “SMITE EVIL!” 

Her twin daggers glowed, and the wraiths shrieked and vanished as the holy energy bit into them. 

“Isn’t that a paladin class ability?” Kazuma called to Chris as she smirked and spun her blades through her fingers. 

“Eh, what’s the point of divinity if you can’t cheat the system a little?” Chris said with a shrug. Then she let out a scream as one of the paintings came to life and tried to eat her.

Fortunately, Sero was on his toes and yanked Chris out of the way of the monster while Yunyun blasted it and a good chunk of the wall to smithereens. 

“You guys are the worst at following horror tropes ever,” Uraraka told them, taking out a silver dagger of her own. “I call dibs on the next one.”

For a time, they simply wandered through the haunted mansion, trashing the admittedly high level mobs that came their way. Uraraka really did get dibs on the next one by sending a haunted suit of armor banging down the hall until it fell apart completely, and the rest of the various undead simply melted before Yunyun and Chris’ firepower. 

The problem was that the corridors and rooms seemed endless. Kazuma did manage to take enough of the cloths covering the furniture to make some sweaters, even if one did wind up being some sort of monster that nearly ate him before Sero ripped it off of him, so they wouldn’t freeze to death. But they also were no closer to getting out and finding Aqua and the others. 

“How the heck do we get out of here?” Sero demanded after they arrived in yet another hall of armor and creepy paintings. 

“It’s gotta be a puzzle,” Kazuma said, nodding to himself. “You know, like in one of those RPG games. The way out is always hidden behind a painting or something.” 

“Real life isn’t a video game, Kazuma,” Uraraka told him with a roll of her eyes. 

“You’re the one who was referencing horror movie tropes. How do the heroes bust out in those?” Kazuma demanded. 

Blushing, Uraraka turned away. “I mean, well, that’s different! Horror movies are free to watch on late night TV, video games cost money!” 

“Uh huh. Hey Chris, you wanna check the ones on that side for traps and I’ll do this one?” Kazuma offered. 

“Sure, beats wandering in circles,” Chris agreed, and they began to meticulously check each of the eerie portraits for any secrets. 

After about ten seconds of this, Megumin used her staff to bash one portrait, knocking it off the wall with a loud thump. 

“Hey! What if you trigger something!?” Kazuma demanded, jumping and glaring at her. 

She shrugged. “Then we’ll get out of here and I can use an Explosion to obliterate this annoying place.” 

“Just try to be patient,” Uraraka told Megumin, then went over and used her knife to run all the way down a painting of a lecherously smiling nobleman, causing a loud ripping sound. 

“Oh, so you tell me to be patient, but then you simply take the same action? Do you simply wish to hog the glory of the dramatic reveal for yourself?!” Megumin demanded, and ran to the next painting, raising her staff high. 

With a loud tearing sound, she brought it down so that it punched through the face of a rather creepy rendition of the Madonna and Child. “Ah ha! See, I have already found-”

“Visitors? After so long…Master Ainz, have you finally come to visit me?” a dry, dusty voice called. 

“Uh, that can’t be good,” Kazuma commented as Megumin stood up on her tiptoes and peeked through the painting. 

“Hmm, I see only a single person in there, I can’t see their face, but they’re a girl with long dark hair, and a giant pair of scissors,” Megumin commented. 

Kazuma was too busy running up and grabbing the back of her robe before hightailing it as fast as he could along with Chris and Ururaka, with Sero and Yunyun hot on their heels. 

“Congrats, you found a MAJOR bad guy!” Kazuma hissed as they ran down the corridor as fast as they could.

“Not to mention a checklist of every horror trope!” Uraraka panted. “Come on before-”

Behind them, there was a loud thunk, and Kazuma chanced a look back. A woman who looked like someone out of the Ring, but with a pair of scissors even bigger than she was had just stepped out of the torn portrait. And when she looked at him, she had no face. 

He didn’t need Sense Foe to tell him this was bad news. 

“SACRED EXPLODE!” 

“HOWITZER IMPACT!” 

The entire tomb shook with the force of the twin blasts and rubble pelted from the ceiling as walls crumbled and even the floor below them cracked and shattered from the force of the blows. The only part that was spared was the wall directly behind Shalltear, which was damaged, but not obliterated. The True Vampire grunted, and her armor was chipped and damaged, but she weathered both assaults before striking back herself. 

Even as Bakugo was flung back by the blast from his attack, Shalltear sped forward, her lance lashing out and catching him in the side even as he twisted away. He grunted in pain, twisting away and firing off another explosion in his attacker’s face. 

Snarling, Shalltear tried to press her attack again, but Iris was there, covering for Bakugo with her blade. “SACRED SWORD TECHNIQUE!” 

“Vermillion Nova!” Shalltear hissed, and Iris cried out as she was enveloped in a pillar of crimson flames. Stumbling back, she raised a hand to protect herself, only for Shalltear to charge through her own attack, her teeth sinking into Iris’ flesh. She wasn’t able to drink more than a sip, before a laser blast from Mei sent her hissing back and wiping at her mouth. 

Izuku didn’t give the Floor Guardian any time to recover, coming in with a sweeping low kick that sent Shalltear through another stone wall. He attempted to follow that up with a 100% Smash, only for Shalltear to turn to mist, his attack going right through her. She moved right through him, turning solid and attempting to bite him on the neck, but Iris and Bakugo were right on top of her, driving the vampirress off of Izuku before she could drain a single drop. 

“Enough of this!” Shalltear hissed, licking at the blood on her face. She moved back again as the heroes pressed the attack once more, then raised her lance. “Let those who fall in battle ride again on the wings of the Valkyrie! Einherjar!” 

A white orb shot out of Shalltear’s lance, hovering to the ground before resolving into the shape of a glowing white clone of her. Both original and clone leveled their lances and grinned. “This is the most fun I’ve had in a century. I’ll make sure to savor every last drop of you!” 

The True Vampire and her clone came on again, and the heroes were forced to divide their attentions. It had been hard enough for Izuku, Iris, and Bakugo to fight Shalltear on an even footing three on one, but with two on three, it was rapidly becoming too much. 

“I can’t get a shot!” Mei growled, frustrated at the sheer speed of the melee. “Most of my arsenal is too powerful for these tight passages!”

“There is little we can do,” Visha agreed, her gun up and attempting to track the melee, but not firing. 

“There has to be something!” Mei snapped. “What weaknesses does she have? She’s a vampire, right?”

“Shalltear? Almost none. Unlike most Vampires, she’s no longer truly weak to Holy Magic thanks to her armor and class. Her only real vulnerabilities are sunlight and fire, but there is no sunlight down here, and good luck-”

“Ah-ha! Sunlight! That is easy!” Mei adjusted her laser canon quickly, then aimed it down the hall. A moment later, a blast of bright purple light filled the entire space, and Shaltear let out a cry of surprise. 

But unfortunately, not one of mortal agony.

“Hmm, she is not dying,” Mei observed, frowning as she continued to shine her beam down the hall. “This is disappointing.”

Indeed, the wash of ultraviolet light that Mei was bathing the hall in wasn’t damaging Shalltear in the slightest. However, both her and her Einherjar clone were trying desperately to get out of the light, and were moving much more slowly in the light than they had before, to the point that Bakugo landed a devastating Howitzer Impact on the original, while Izuku delivered a stone-shattering kick to the double. 

“It’s working!” Izuku shouted, even as he followed up with an Air Blast that knocked the Einherjar into the wall. “Keep the beam on her, Mei!” 

Shaltear hissed in frustration, then snarled in pain as Iris unleashed another Sacred Sword technique flurry.

Still, even with the weakening effect of Mei’s light, Shaltear was still far stronger and faster than a normal vampire, and she possessed a wide array of spells. “Implosion! Wall of Stone!” Shaltear snarled, hurling first the lethal spell down the hall at Mei, then erecting a stony barrier between herself and the beam. 

Visha tackled Mei out of the way of the Implosion spell, but her own leg was caught in the blast. She screamed as her leg suddenly twisted, then exploded in a shower of gore. Beyond the wall, Shaltear renewed her assault, catching her attackers off guard as her strength and speed suddenly returned. Her lance caught Bakugou in the shoulder and pierced Iris’s leg, and she licked her lips as the blood rushed up to her. Izuku took several blows from the Einherjar, but then jumped back, smashing the stone barrier with a single punch. 

“Izuku!” Mei cried, jumping to her feet and running forward to shine her ultraviolet beam down the corridor again. 

“Mei, don’t!” Izuku cried, but even as he did so, Shaltear chanted, “Gate!”

She appeared behind Mei, stabbing her lance down at Visha, who cried out even as she futilely fired her pistol at Shalltear. Even enhanced with magic, her bullets pinged off Shaltear’s armor, and Shaltear cackled as the blood from Visha’s leg flowed up into her. 

Mei spun about and turned her beam on Shalltear, only for the vampire to rush her. With a cry of desperation, Mei activated another device, this one forming a bubble shield around her. When Shaltear’s lance hit her, Mei went flying back as though she were encased in a ball of rubber, only to ping off the walls repeatedly. The bubble popped, depositing Mei on the ground, but that was enough time for Izuku to charge through and hit Shalltear with everything he had. 

“ONE FOR ALL, ONE MILLION PERCENT!” 

The sheer energy of the hit was enough to ignite the air around Izuku’s fist, and he struck Shalltear with a sound like the crack of a thousand bullwhips. The True Vampire’s chest exploded as she went flying back in two pieces, sending a spray of blood across the battlefield. The Einherjar clone vanished, and everyone stood there for a moment, panting, as Izuku staggered over to help Mei back up. It was a struggle, as his right arm had gone purple with bruises, and was bending in all the wrong places. 

“We, we got her,” Izuku gasped, hauling Mei up to a sitting position in her armor. 

Iris hurried over to bind Visha’s leg, as she had gone pale with blood loss, but Visha shook her head. “No. That’s only one. Get ready.”

“Only one?” Iris asked, looking up just in time to see the blood flow back into Shalltear’s body and her two halves fly back together. 

“Well, you are strong,” Shalltear hissed, her red eyes glowing brightly now. “You made me use a Time Reverse. I haven’t had to use one since…I can hardly even remember.”

The True Vampire raised her lance, and Izuku gasped in horror as her form shifted, turning from a generically cute girl into a lamprey-like horror. “NOW I SHALL DRAIN YOU ALL DRY!” 

There was nothing but endless shadow, and the sound of dripping water. Mina was fairly certain that if Tanya’s flare went out, it would be darker than if she closed her eyes at night back home. She’d expected all sorts of horrific monsters lurking in the dark, but after several minutes of walking, they hadn’t seen anything of the sort. 

“So, which way is out?” she asked Tanya, who was leading the way, her glowing red flare casting an eerie circle of red light around them. 

“I am uncertain as of yet. We shall proceed in the same direction. The chamber is circular, with the entrance along the south side. We have no way of knowing where we landed, and thus, it makes the most sense to simply proceed in one direction,” Tanya stated simply. 

Nodding, Mina shivered slightly, hugging herself as she looked out into the gloom. All she could see were the still dark waters. Who knew what would be lurking beneath the surface? 

She sensed something next to her and nearly jumped out of her skin, but it was just Eijiro, who quietly offered her his hand. She gratefully took it, giving him a squeeze, which she regretted almost immediately as her skin was still cracked from using so much acid earlier, and Kirishima was currently in his rocky form. 

Still, it was a comfort, and they walked along in silence for several moments, their soft footsteps seeming to echo like gunshots in the silence of the cavern. 

“Hey, something’s coming!” Aqua said suddenly, pointing up towards the ceiling at the lakes center. “Look out!” 

Mina reluctantly let go of Kirishima’s hand and had just enough time to form a ball of acid before a swarm of white bats hurtled out of the darkness at them, red eyes glowing menacingly in the light. Tanya took out several with a pistol, while Mina sent out a spray that took out half a dozen, but it was Dark Shadow and Tokoyami who obliterated dozens of bats as the powerful quirk made good use of the pitch blackness around them. It was over in moments, with Tokoyami grunting as he manfully regained control.

“Back…you beast! I…I will not be overwhelmed!” Tokoyami growled as he struggled against his own quirk, which had grown to be so large its head vanished into the shadows above them. 

“NAH, I THINK I’LL TAKE US FOR A DRIVE! BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I REALLY GOT TO FLEX MY TALONS!” Dark Shadow cackled in a booming voice. 

“Dark Shadow!” everyone turned to see Darkness stride forward. She hadn’t done much while the bats attacked, her clumsy attempts with her sword not even connecting with a single one. “If you do not behave, I…I shall not allow you to molest me for an entire week!”

“AW, COME ON, TOOTS! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT AS MUCH AS I DO!” Dark Shadow whined, though it did start to shrink. 

“E-even if I do enjoy such things…now is not the time! We must find the others, and save them. Do you wish for Kazuma, Midoriya, and the others to come to harm?” Darkness demanded, though she was blushing the entire time.

“Ugh, fine,” Dark Shadow complained as it shrunk to a much more manageable size. “You’re more fun to bat around than some stupid bats anyway.”

“Thank you,” Tokoyami panted, straightening up. He glared at his quirk, which just stuck out its tongue at him. “I will not allow Dark Shadow to lose control down here again.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Dark Shadow muttered, but it stayed at its normal size as they trekked on. 

Before long, the path they’d been following came to an end, and a much smoother causeway heading off over the lake could be seen. It appeared to be made of rotting timbers, but when Darkness tested the wood it creaked, but held up under her weight.

“This leads to the central staircase,” Tanya informed them. “If we wish to ascend, this would be the way.”

“Well, that’s where the others are, so that makes the most sense,” Mina said with a nod.

Tanya made a face. “It is also the resting place of the floor Guardian. That was Gargantua, but it was destroyed. There is certain to be some other horror awaiting us, however.”

“Well, we won’t get any closer to it just waiting around,” Kirishima stated, pounding his stoney fists together. “I’ll lead the way!” 

They set out across the floating bridge warily, alert for any sign of their foe. They made it about a dozen meters out, the far edge fading into shadows, but nothing appeared yet. They crept on further, only the quiet slosh of the waves and the creaking of the wood to be heard. 

After a full minute of walking, the bridge began to tremble, and Mina cried out, desperately working to keep on her feet. 

“The Floor Guardian! Stay ready!” Tanya called, even as Aqua fell flat on her face with a cry. 

A vast, dark shape began to emerge from the water, and Mina felt her bowels turn to liquid as the monstrosity lifted itself up to rear above them. It had seven heads, and was horribly scarred. Thick veins of throbbing red power ran along its discolored and cracked hide, and the eyes burned with madness. 

“The Kowloon Hydra!” Darkness cried out. “But…but this is a creature of Belzerg!” 

“Looks like it works for the Tomb now!” Kirishima shouted, struggling to stay on his feet. “Aqua, a little help!? This entire bridge is about to collapse!” 

The hydra’s heads let out a guttural roar, and three plunged themselves downwards into the shaking bridge. Splitters the size of Mina’s arms flew through the air as she dove behind Kirishima and out of the way. She thought for sure they’d sink, but a glowing platform of solid blue water lifted them up out of the waves. Aqua hovered over the water, her staff in hand, chanting a spell. 

“Well, at least we won’t just drown,” Kirishma growled, looking up as the Hydra reared back up and roared. “Now we just have to figure out how to survive that!”

“Well, I got the acid like in the legends,” Mina said grimly. “Cut off the head, and I’ll cauterize it.”

He nodded, and with a warcry, Kirishima grew to a monstrous height himself even as Dark Shadow swelled, and the two of them clashed with the monstrous hydra.