Personal Bonds: Building & Burning Connections (Patreon)

Hey everyone, sorry I'm a little bit late with this essay, but it's been difficult finding the motivation to write this one. Talk about family and relationships has always been a tough thing for me, because as it stands, my ties with my own family are kind of pretty much in shambles at this point? At least in an ascending direction. I may also be biased, because for the longest time I've seen friend after friend suffer at the hands of their own families' outright incompetence and bad will.

But I think precisely because of these bad experiences, and how they've shaped me and my group of friends, I need to talk about what family means to me, and the worth of a community- And perhaps, if someone is in a bad place currently, offer some experiences to relate to and try to overcome it.

So let's get this started, shall we?

Family vs Family

Let us start with something simple- What IS a Family?

And I know. This seems like a stupid question right off the start, we all know what a Family is. For most people, their Family consists of their close relatives, the people that raise them and take care of them during their formative years, and the ones we live alongside during our early life and grow together with. Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Siblings, figures in our life that, to a major extent, influence both our outlook on life, and how we view ourselves.

Therein lies one of the major issues with 'Family', however. Generally speaking, the way our relatives and parents raise us is intended to be good. But between the generational gap, the difference in power, and the exceptions in wanting to do good, this dynamic can prove to be extremely harmful. Even more than other kinds of relationships and bonds, since these begin at a very, very early age. There is a sense of trust, of duty and hierarchy, built into this relationship between us and our relatives. I want to believe that most Families are happy and want the best for the younger ones, but the wrong they can do and often do to those they supposedly love is too prominent and happens too often to ignore it.

If you don't get along with your family, don't agree, you can't simply go away most of the time. The Media and Movies have painted this image of the Rebellious Teenager, wanting to stick it up to those silly old people, being problematic and dismissing school... But let's be honest here, currently the image of the 'Rebellious Teenager' looks more like an exhausted, fearful person, seeing the world go down the shitter due to what seems like a complete and total lack of empathy or care for people, and pushing back against families that don't agree with or suppress who they really are.

And yet there's this ingrained sense of social duty, that we must LOVE and care for our families. That there's no wound or dispute within a family great enough to separate it. That a dysfunctional family that stays together is healthier than realizing they may be incompatible and go their separate ways.

Fuck that notion.

It is okay to let bonds with family crumble. It is okay to lash back and go away and not want gaps to be bridged again, if you're able to. It's okay to not love your family if they have caused you harm, and as obvious as this is, I have seen way too many people hurt due to being unable to lash back against actual abuse because of this. If your parents have ever beaten you up, if your family has ever demeaned you, if you disagree politically with them and have to bear day after day, shutting up in fear of what they would do if you spoke your opinions or showed who you truly are, I feel you. We all feel you, and you're justified in disliking them and harboring a grudge. Generally speaking, hating and having grudges is not healthy, but. Honestly? If the alternative is hating yourself, because of things your family has done, fuck that.

I feel there is a real kernel of truth and good to the idea of Loving your Family and being close to them, caring for them. However, there is where I make my distinction, between a Genetic Family, and a Real Family. In an ideal scenario, these largely overlap. But always remember that Family is more than just your Relatives. (And I know that adoption and orphans exist, but for the sake of not dragging on my point, I'm lumping the idea of a 'Family you can't choose' under the 'Genetic Family' label, regardless of actual related-ness)

You friends you would die for and that would die for you. The people you care for and know will be there when you need to vent and talk. The romantic and platonic relationships formed with those we actually get along with and love dearly. Family is formed by Choice. Sharing, loving, talking, laughing, crying, those you choose to open up to. Even if your Genetic Family happens to be the worst in your eyes, remember that you are not alone, remember that those outside of that toxic circle can be more part of your Family than your actual parents.

They say that Blood is thicker than Water- But always remember the full saying:

The Blood of the Covenant is thicker than the Water of the Womb.

Friendship, Community, and the Internet

Humanity hasn't changed that much through history. We've tried refining little by little what is 'moral' and 'good' to try and live our lives doing the least harm possible, even when awful people tried to push back against these changes, even when they are STILL trying to push back those changes. But in terms of the things people enjoy? Hobbies, hyperfixations, various kinds of people, everything you see now, today, has always been an intrinsic part of Humankind.

But it was only very recently that something like the Internet became possible, and with it, every thing spread far and wide outside of the small spaces they may have been confined to before. In my opinion, this sense of community and belonging on the Internet is Humanity's most important achievement. Of course there's bad things, of course people band together to do bad stuff, but, the way the Internet has managed to normalize some harmless but niche behaviors or ways of being is just wonderful. Whatever it is you like. Whatever it is you are into. If you look for it on the Internet, you will find a dedicated community that enjoys it just like you do.

Socializing, making friends, keeping up with your life and everyone else's lives, it can be a scary prospect, specially for Neurodivergent people- But it's still important to find the community or communities we fit into, to find kindred souls that share our likes and dislikes.

We can not choose our Genetic Family. We have no agency to do so, and as such, if we're neglected, if our likes are ignored, if we cannot share that which means the world to is, we end up closing up and distancing ourselves from them. But we can choose our Real Family. The people we actually want to share these things with. The people we are comfortable being ourselves with.

Even the previous generation had a much harder time than we currently do. The rise of the Internet, the globalization of the world, the sharing of communities. It's important to seek them out, and strive to make the communities we are in a healthy and open space, that people can find, feel comfortable in, and share even further.

I know that it's not that easy, and I know for most people it just isn't the same. Comparing an Internet Friendship to the tie with your Relatives, the time you physically spend with your Genetic Family and how you may have been conditioned through the years in one way or another can really stop this notion in its tracks. I don't argue I have all the answers, hell not even close. I also don't have any specific advice if you find yourself in a particularly bad or abusive situation with Family.

However, I do know that some people need that nudge. That affirmation. That it's okay to dislike and distance yourself from your Relatives, and value more your friendships. That it's not normal or good to spin your suffering as something deserved. Abuse is normalized because of the sheer amount of time and power the abusers have over us when they are part of our family, and breaking away is difficult, tedious, painful. But this is a reminder to everyone going through something like this, to find comfort and solace in the Family of their choice, that you're never alone, and people will come to your aid so long as you identify what's going on in your life. Use these real bonds, made by choice, made by you, as an outlet of all the good things that will come in due time, and learn to see through these hollow, toxic bonds.

Living your life in the spaces you choose to be in rather than the ones you're forced to be in, working towards making the interactions, the 'self' you show on the Internet your physical 'self'. It's an arduous, slow process, but you can get through it. And with these forged, close relationships, the bond of the Real Families, you may just be able to leave a bad situation earlier.

I guess my point in making this Essay is equal times venting myself, and also reaching out to people that may not be in the best position, to let them know they are loved, and that being stuck with shitty family doesn't mean they don't have an actual Family that cares for them. And to remind people stuck in these situations, to never normalize things. It may make things easier to bear if it's a constant onslaught of it, but acknowledgement that what you're going through is fucked up is important. Just taking things as they come and accepting them as part of your normal, day to day life will only twist your mind to agree with your abuser.

And evidently I am not saying this is just as easy as snapping your fingers and undoing potentially decades of conditioning and abuse. But a long, arduous process has to start somewhere. People may control your schedule and how you live your life against your will, but they will never be able to control who you are, inside, the reality of your self, and so long as your will remains, and so long as you remember that and keep seeking out the people you really identify with? It is my belief that things will work out in the end.

I love all of you, and hope if you're going through something bad, that you will be able to push back soon.

<3

(Also I decided to go for a lack of pictures on this one because I deemed it more of a serious and intense topic, but do give me your feedback! If it looks too dry and empty without the pics to break it apart, I'll make sure to bring some stock photos and Homestuck pics as usual to future essays.)