Getting Started with Dominance (Patreon)

Some of us are naturally dominant and some of us are naturally submissive. If you find yourself finding joy, arousal, and fulfillment in the idea of control, ordering people around, or being served, you might be more dominant-leaning. In this new Getting Started article, we’re going to dive into the nitty gritty of how to get started with domination!

For those of you who are not naturally dominant, but who are trying a little switch up, remember that it’s perfectly fine to dip your toes in domination slowly, like adding in some commands in the bedroom over time rather than jumping straight to whacking some butts raw with a riding crop.

Consent and the Rules of Engagement
As always with anything in the kink world, consent and communication are key! Every time you get a new partner, decide you want to try something new in the bedroom or even revise previously agreed upon rules, you should have a sit down talk with your partner about expectations, hard stops, and safe words/phrases to ensure that everyone is happy and that any and all interactions are consented to.

While doing what you want and control is a major part of domination, the real key to success as a dominant is being able to anticipate the needs of your submissive. I always feel that in order to be a good dominant, you have to be a really great submissive first. As the dominant, you have a responsibility to make sure that both you and your submissive leave the bedroom happy and pleased with the session and that takes much more empathy, compassion, and care for your submissive than a lot of newer dominants can actually handle. Being dominant isn’t just about you and your wants, but also your partner and it’s key to be sure that you have not hurt your submissive either physically or mentally.

Remember that a submissive is also in the position of not always knowing exactly what they want and that it is your responsibility to check-in frequently during play and limit your commands to things that your submissive can accomplish happily.

Doing What You Want To Do
Once you have spoken to your partner in detail about the things they are comfortable with you can start adding in the elements of domination. I break these down into two types of interactions, daily life interactions, and in-session interactions.

Daily life interactions are all the things you demand from your submissive that happen outside of sexual play. Since the dominant-submissive relationship dynamic can easily seep into regular life, you will likely want your partner to do submissive things outside of the sexual play in order to prove to you how much they love being your submissive. The goal here is to control your submissive and see that they obey your commands, down to the very last detail, of their own volition without the instant gratifying reward of sexual pleasure. These interactions can be as simple as “make me dinner” to as complicated as “you aren’t allowed to come until I say so.” With pleasure being derived from the act of their obedience and loyalty.

In-session interactions are all the things you demand from your submissive while in the middle of a steamy, sexy, sensual play session. The goal here is sexual release with the use of the dominant-submissive dynamic. Learn to command your partner to touch, lick, kiss, tease and fuck you any way that brings you pleasure. The submissive should be aroused by pleasing you and giving in to your sexual needs while still feeling safe and satisfied.

A major part of dominance is control, which means that you will need to plan the interactions that you have in order to achieve the most pleasure for yourself and your partner. If you are having trouble getting into the dominant mindset, start small with daily life interactions. Asking your partner to serve you or fetch you things and slowly ramping up how complicated the orders are or denying the submissive sexual release are both popular tactics that dominants use to control their partners. Don’t be shy about what you really like, submissives are turned on by the fact that you are getting off on their support, so if a particular fantasy really gets you going, bring it to the table!

Practice
This may sound silly, but practicing is still the best way to get good at being dominant. You can practice dominance in your regular life by delegating chores or work tasks and taking initiative when appropriate (like making reservations at a restaurant for date night or providing all your submissive’s favorite foods and amenities whenever they come over.)

If you are bringing toys into the bedroom, I always suggest practicing by using the toys on yourself first. A soft flail is a lot less painful than a rattan cane, a wide paddle is easier to work with than a whip, a scarf gag is easier to start with than a ball gag. So if you’re going to bring a toy into the session, practice alone on yourself before trying it out on someone else.

Looking the Part
Most people are very visually stimulated and looking the part will go a long way in your own confidence as a dominant. Dominance is all about appearance and attitude, so wear things that make you feel tough and sexy and in-control. Whether that’s a tight leather bodysuit or just a pair of boots and some lingerie, wear something that makes you feel as badass as you look.

Dirty Talk
One of the most common worries for beginner dominants is “what do I say?” There are a few easy things you can say to keep things steamy:

1. Tell them what you are going to do (“I’m going to smack that ass,”) what you are doing/is happening (“That sweet ass gets all pink when I spank it,”) and what you just did (“Oh what did I just do? Did I smack that sweet ass of yours? Yes I did.”) The more you narrate your actions and their reactions, the more you can escalate and highlight the experience.
2. Comment on them. You can do this in so many sexy ways, admiration (“Look at this little thing you wore for me. That’s so sweet.”) threatening (“That’s a nice sound you made for me, I love it when you hurt for me.”) or humiliation (“What a pathetic slave you are.”)
3. Order them around. Simple commands and adjustments can take you far. “Stand up straight,” “On your knees,” “Eyes down.” All of these simple commands can help you train your submissive.
4. Nothing at all. Silence is a powerful tool when used properly. When you get experienced enough and when the relationship with your partner is strong enough, you can use your silence on purpose.

Check-Ins
Checking in with your submissive both during sessions and outside of them helps to strengthen the bond and dynamic. Every good relationship is built on trust and when you check in regularly with your submissive to make sure they are comfortable and happy, they will continue to obey you with gusto. It is important to make sure that you are not just checking in with your partner but with yourself as well. If you find that your submissive wants more than you can or are willing to provide, checking in also helps you create your own dominant boundaries.

Keeping it simple and adding more elements slowly will also help these check-ins go smoothly. When you add too many things at once, it can be a lot for anyone to adhere to, so go slow, keep it simple, and you’ll be well on your way to having a happy and successful dominant-submissive relationship. This also has the added benefit of making the submissive more comfortable and guaranteeing a great first session, leaving your partner wanting more.

Aftercare
When you’re done, take a moment to reconnect, and come back to a normal head space by talking to each other about how the session went for both of you. Depending on your session, you may both need some aftercare. Being in this kink space can leave you vulnerable, and your partner or you may need some gentle care after to get you up and running again. Maybe one of you had a better time than the other, or maybe something felt a little silly, or maybe something really worked for you, this is the time to talk it out and explore those kinks together!

Listen and loop inductions, “Succubus,” and “Lifelong Dominant” and subliminals, “Mindset - Dominant,” “Dominant,” and “Mommy Time” for those of you who want a more dominant ABDL experience.

Read this post for a full list of Getting Started Articles! 

xoxo,
thelibrarian