Chapter 304: Like a boss (Patreon)

The big black castle they’re infiltrating this time looks weird to Loudmouth. It doesn’t have parapets, for starters. Also, the guards are just hanging around it rather than standing on top, for some reason.

Well, perhaps they also felt it would be awkward to stand on top when there aren’t even any parapets.

Anyway, the castle is just weird, and definitely not scary. Even if it were scary, Loudmouth definitely wouldn’t be scared. Loudmouth is a brave hero, after all!

Loudmouth probably bravest Hoig ever!

Still despite it being completely unnecessary, Loudmouth can appreciate the way his Friend Emma’s Commands assist him in his bravery. It feels odd, to look at the looming fortress of doom and all the huge, menacing—err—the weird castle and the regular creatures guarding it, and not so much as move a muscle.

Odd, but not unpleasant. It makes Loudmouth feel pretty bad-butt, as Friend Alec would say.

As they float forward, past the totally unscary massive blue murder-lizard that could definitely swallow Loudmouth in a single bite, Loudmouth once more shifts the mouth-watering object beneath his tongue.

Maybe Loudmouth can nibble on it just a little...

Alas, no amount of mental gymnastics proves enough to convince Loudmouth that nibbling it won’t count as eating, and the idea is discarded just like munching, chewing, and licking it have been before.

Maybe after mission Loudmouth can—

His thoughts are interrupted by a deep, ominous grinding, as a hexagonal opening appears in the previously seamless black castle.

Like a true hero, however, Loudmouth doesn’t even flinch.

Sugary. Loudmouth totally bad-butt.

Loudmouth mentally praises himself loudly and continuously on his lack of fear as they fly into the dark metallic tunnel without pause, noting to himself that it totally doesn’t look like they are flying into the maw of some terrible creature.

What kind of creature would even have six-sided throat? Ridiculous!

Inside, the Blue Dragons disguised as Grey Ninjas finally come to a halt again as they are met by a Hoig male with pretty eyes, long, slender legs, and a purple crystal in his forehead.

“May I help you?” the purple crystal chimes politely.

“You may,” the scary lady-crystal whispers. “Agent Em here requires an escort to communications, Agent Ri to engineering, and myself and Agent Fa to the command centre, posthaste.”

At that moment, the metallic ring on the delectable mushroom catches on something beneath Loudmouth’s tongue, and his right eye twitched as he fights the reflexive urge to spit it out.

Naturally, like a true hero, he succeeds in suppressing his gag reflex. Friend Alec had confided once that he possessed this Skill as well, and that it was viewed with great favour among humans. At the time, Loudmouth had felt some doubt about this statement, but he sees his Friend’s wisdom now, and feels appropriately proud for his achievement.

He’s not entirely sure what was said in the meantime, but it seems to have worked out well, as two more Hoig have shown up, and Farouq gently shows him with a moving picture in his mind that they’re going to follow them.

The Aether controlled by the artistic Peilor once more pushes gently against Loudmouth’s back, sending him floating after their guide, alongside Friend Jacob and the scary lady-crystal.

Loudmouth quickly loses track of the way they came as they pass through hallway after identical hallway, until finally, they arrive at another hexagonal door, and through it, enter a large room.

The scary lady-crystal immediately starts whisper-shouting orders at the Hoig and Peilor inside, getting them all to move away from their stations and line up on the floor.

Farouq floats Loudmouth down to the gleaming black metal as well, and sets him on his feet. Another moving image instructs Loudmouth to slowly hop along the line, keeping his head facing them.

It makes Loudmouth feel almost like a real army-Hoig, inspecting his troops, and he puffs up his chest slightly, as much as Friend Emma’s Commands let him.

Speaking of Friend Emma, it takes a while, but eventually he hears her voice coming from a crystal in the wall. “Agent Em reporting in,” she chimes in a somewhat monotone voice.

“Go ahead, Agent Em,” scary lady-crystal replies.

“External communications have been restricted. I’ve laid contact with Agent Ri in Engineering. We’re ready to commence.”

“Excellent,” scary lady-crystal stage-whispers, before turning to the largest Hoig on the deck, or rather, the orange-tinted crystal on his forehead. “Captain, please activate the Voidcannon’s complete spatial lockdown protocol.”

“What?” the Peilor captain replies in surprise. “We can’t just—”

“Did I stutter?” the scary lady-crystal asks sharply, even though she clearly hadn’t. “Tell me, did the Council’s order tell you to consider my requests, or did it tell you to heed my every order?”

“The latter,” he chimes after a moment, not sounding too pleased about it.

“Then activate the Voidcannon’s complete spatial lockdown protocol, now.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Despite everything, Loudmouth can’t help but feel for the guy. Scary lady-crystal is much scarier than the castle, all things considered.

Loudmouth quickly forgets about his pity as the captain starts barking orders at his crew, and they all hurry to their stations.

“Activating emergency lockdown protocol S-five,” one of the Peilor starts announcing, his voice seeming to echo through the hallways surrounding the room. “This is not a drill, everyone return to your stations and prepare for lockdown.”

The announcement is repeated a few times, until finally, the big Hoig moves over to a big red button covered by a transparent safety cap.

Ooh, has button just like ring around mushroom!

Of course, the button on the ring is much smaller, and therefore inferior. Even so, Loudmouth really wants to press it, but that too, isn’t allowed. He isn’t all that happy about the ring in general, as it covers quite a bit of the mushroom’s tasty surface...

As Loudmouth contemplates whether Friend Emma’s Commands would allow him to remove the ring to be able to taste the surface beneath, the big Hoig lifts the safety cap, and slams his palm down onto the big button in a way that looks super-satisfying.

Loudmouth totally not jealous though. Loudmouth is on super-cool secret mission, much better than hitting some lame red button.

A deep hum passes through the floor, reverberating in Loudmouth’s stomach and rattling his bones, as something in the distance is turned on, something powerful.

Then, a second wave of something passes through him, but this time it doesn’t rattle his bones so much, as his spirit.

Loudmouth had only recently learned that he had one. Auntie Trisha had explained it all to him, very patiently, as she helped him grow it stronger with her Bland Essence.

Now, he could just about feel the wave of something pass through it to inside of him. While its sudden appearance shakes him a little, it doesn’t feel bad or evil. It doesn’t hurt him either, and since it came on so quickly, he doesn’t end up resisting it. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, it’s gone again.

“What was that?” Farouq chimes in alarm.

“Dunno,” Loudmouth croaks with a shrug.

<Loudmouth, wha—why are you speaking?> Farouq’s voice asks inside of Loudmouth’s mind in surprise.

“Aack!” Loudmouth exclaims, lifting his hand to his mouth and quickly glancing around if anyone had heard him.

However, throughout the room, there are Hoig acting weird. Looking around in surprise, studying their own hands and each other. Then, one by one, their eyes start to glaze over again.

“I see you were unaware of our station’s proprietary Command-breaking technology,” the captain chimes smugly, his own Hoig host already staring blankly ahead again. “Well, that’s as it should be, because it’s top-secret. Not even the entire council knows about—”

“Agent Su, status report!” Friend Emma’s voice shouts from the wall-crystal, sounding somewhat frantic. “Agent Su?!”

However, Loudmouth can barely make it out, as the scary lady-crystal has started chiming at the same time. “Captain, this is an assault on Peilinor!” she shouts, and not in a whisper for once. “There’s a Carria—”

“No!” Friend Jacob suddenly shouts, right before a bubble forms around them, cutting off her voice. Inside, he reaches for his forehead.

“There’s a what?” the captain chimes, alarmed.

One moment, Loudmouth is standing, the next, he’s accelerating back, until he slams into something hard.

“Aack!” he exclaims as the Aether is forced out of his lungs.

At that moment, the delectable treat under his tongue slips out, sent flying by Loudmouth’s heroically powerful breath. It flies through the Aether in a respectable arc, bouncing once, twice, then rolling a bit further and revealing the small red button underneath its transparent safety cap, before it finally comes to rest on the dark metal floor.

Seeing the delicious pink and yellow mushroom with the odd metallic ring around it, Loudmouth can’t help but lick his lips.

“What the heck is going on over there?!” Friend Emma’s voice calls out, breaking the sudden silence.

Friend Jacob cries out before he’s also sent flying backwards, but without the scary lady-crystal, who’s now floating by herself, and starting to glow an ominous shade of orange.

A wave of Heat washes over Loudmouth as she fires off a beam of orange light, but right before it can burn the mushroom to a crips, a block of Boreum forms in front of it.

<Loudmouth,> Farouq’s voice suddenly chimes inside of Loudmouth’s head, the meaning entering his mind far faster than normal, but somehow still understandable. <You see that little red button, the one you were not allowed to press? Well, if you want to be a hero... press it.>

Before Loudmouth can croak any kind of reply, the crystal lodged in his forehead disappears.

In a flash, it reappears above the mushroom. A pair of strangely shaped crystalline arms—that seem far too big to have fit inside—burst out of it, and reach towards the button.

“Farouq, you—you dirty traitor!” the lady-crystal whisper-screams. She flashes yellow, and a metal panel is ripped clean off a nearby station and sent flying.

Farouq’s finger reaches the safety cap just before the panel smashes into him. He’s bowled away from the mushroom as it does, but not before a dextrous swipe of his finger, lifts the cap, exposing the button.

Jacob retaliates, taking a swing at the lady-crystal with a chair and whipping her away.

“That’s it!” the captain bellows. “Security, apprehend these so-called ‘agents,’ that is an order! Janic, quarantine that device, and somebody get that human host under control!”

The room erupts into chaos, as various crewmembers jump into the fray. Friend Jacob’s roar reverberates through the wall that Loudmouth is still slumped against as he fends off attempts to catch him in Boreum.

Farouq and the scary lady-crystal are duking it out as well, launching jets of Astreum and blocks of Boreum at each other, while they simultaneously try to evade the attempts to ‘apprehend’ them in spatial or gravitational traps.

They’re all fighting, and if Loudmouth is honest, it’s pretty scary. However... no one is paying attention to Loudmouth.

His eyes fall back on the mushroom that’s still on the floor, the red button beckoning him. Farouq had told him to press it if he wanted to be a hero, but Emma had told him not to...

What button for again?

Loudmouth searches his memories, something he’s gotten a lot better at lately because... because of Trisha! Right, Auntie Trisha had said the Bland Essence wouldn’t make him smarter, but it would improve his memory and—and Loudmouth was getting distracted again.

What had Friend Emma said?

‘Listen Loudmouth, you absolutely cannot eat the mushroom or press the button, okay? We need it to summon our allies!’

Summon allies... yah, that sound good!

Loudmouth knew the artsy Peilor would turn out a stand-up dude. His judgment was clearly flawless.

Still wheezing, Loudmouth gets to his feet, his knees knocking. Now, he just needs to somehow approach it unnoticed...

The problem is, a female Hoig has already reached the mushroom. She’s holding an opened metal case with one webbed hand, and is gingerly reaching for the device with the other.

“No, don’t quarantine it, destroy it!” the scary lady-crystal whisper-shouts. “Get that Spatial Boundary away from me, I’m trying to save you all!”

“Down with Mara, down with the tyrant!” Farouq suddenly yells, before his malformed spirit leaps out of his crystal and starts making a beeline for the mushroom.

“Oh no you don’t!” scary lady-crystal whisper-shouts in reply. At that moment, she stops moving, allowing the various crewmembers to catch up to her, but at the same time, a white glow erupts right above the mushroom.

The female Hoig with the metal case lets out a frightened croak as she’s lifted from her feet. The wave of gravity hits Loudmouth a moment later, and then he too is sent tumbling through the Aether.

However, he instinctively stabilises his motion, as he’d practised with Friend Kaitlynn, and then he sees it.

The mushroom, spinning through the Aether in all its glory, the red button flashing by on every rotation. Farouq’s spiritform is right behind it, but chains of light are binding him, slowing him down. Friend Jacob is being pressed into the floor by the bulk of the captain’s Hoig.

As usual, it comes down to Loudmouth to save the day.

A strange sense of calm washes over Loudmouth, as this all seems to happen in slow-motion. He licks his lips as the mushroom goes flying by, its path far from intersecting his.

He’s only going to get one shot at this, so he better get it right the first time. For Friend Emma. And Kaitlynn. And Alec, and Jacob and Dave, and Suri, and all his new friends in the Realm of Imagination.

The red button flashes by once more. And again. And on the next rotation, Loudmouth launches his tongue.

It stretches out in front of him, across the room, flying forward and forward until finally, with a very satisfying click, it hits the little red button.

It tastes like sugary, sugary victory.

Author's note:

I saw an opportunity for another Loudmouth chapter, and I took it. ^^

Have I mentioned I'm planning to write a short story from his perspective after finishing the series? ;)