Chapter 272: Wax on, wax off (Patreon)

Pretty much everything about The ‘Cracked Joke’ screams that the comedy club has seen better days.

While the massive crack in the crystal embedded in the stone façade seems to have been made on purpose, the ones in the yellowing plaster and the dirty windows, do not.

Unless it was purposeful vandalism, I suppose.

Still, there are some Peilor outside, their hosts standing around looking glassy-eyed as they chat in little groups, and sounds a lot like laughter come from inside. Most of the hosts appear to be Hoig—apparently a favourite of Flawed-tier Peilor—but there are also some large birds with beaks full of serrated teeth and long, rat-like tails, and a kind of lizards capable of standing upright.

As usual, they barely dignify us with a glance.

<Let’s check the program!> Kaitlynn sends excitedly, mentally directing our attention to a placard next to the door.

Suri sends our disguise forward, careful not to get too close to any hosts, lest we give ourselves away by failing to bump into them.

However, as we go down the list of upcoming gigs and special events, there’s a rather glaring omission.

Lyrack’s not on there.

<Shit. Now what?> I send after a minute.

<I guess we should ask someone,> Kaitlynn replies hesitantly. <Though I’m not sure if any of these people would answer...>

At that moment, however, the front door opens, and a swell of noise emerges, sounding like a slightly hysterical comedian shouting over a laughing crowd. A moment later, an urudo—one of those electric axolotl’s we faced on Humanity Unleashed—comes waddling out, carrying a toolkit in its mouth marked with a lightning bolt.

Is he... an electrician?

The urudo has a light-blue Peilor embedded in its forehead, which seems to suggest it is indeed a Yin being, at the very least, and nods at us in passing.

“Excuse me,” Suri chimes out loud, though at a very reasonable volume. “Might I ask you a question?”

The urudo stops and turns its head, and a pleasant baritone voice chimes forth from the crystal. “Why o’ course! What can I do ye for?”

For a moment I wonder how he’s producing vibrations, seeing as how he’s clearly Yin, but then I realise the obvious answer is simply that he’s producing sound the same way Suri does: by using Espir to conjure it.

“I haven’t been in here in a while,” Suri chimes truthfully, even though we’ve given her permission in advance to lie in our presence for the sake of the mission. “And I couldn’t help but notice that Lyrack’s no longer on the roster. Would you happen to know where I might catch one of his upcoming shows?”

“Ah, yer here for Lyrack?” the clearly Solith-tier Peilor answers. “Well, he don’t play here no more, does he? Moved up to tha big leagues, he did! Lucky bastard.”

“I’m sorry,” Suri chimes. “The big leagues?”

“Aye,” the crystal chimes, as his urudo slowly lifts its head to look at something behind and above us. “The big leagues.”

At that point, however, the door opens again, and he quickly wobbles on, leaving us to turn around and glance at the mishmash of advertisements plastered on the cracked wall.

Kaitlynn is the first to spot it. <You guys, look...> she sends, directing our attention to a poster of a Hoig, shown from behind as he faces a massive crowd on a stage in a rather fancy-looking hall.

It reads, ‘The Prismatic Theatre presents: Lyrack and Loudmouth, The Hilarious Hoig!’ Beneath that, there are quotes taken from critical reviews.

The Gemstone Gazette writes: ‘Froggin’ hilarious, five stars.’ Meanwhile, the Luminous Times gives it four and a half, but does write, ‘A ribbiting show from start to finish.’

<Unbelievable,> Suri chimes over our connection.

<Tell me about it,> I send back, mentally shaking my head.

<That nitwit actually moved up a tier!>

Wait, that’s what she finds unbelievable about this?!

The good news is that the Prismatic Theatre turns out to be much easier to find than The Cracked Joke. Even better: Lyrack seems to have a matinee performance scheduled for today, which is about to begin.

The bad news is that the theatre is massive, and has actual security.

<That is one gorgeous building,> Kaitlynn muses as we slowly approach on foot. Or clawed paw, or something.

While I was personally a little more focused on finding a way in, I can’t disagree.

The Prismatic Theatre, situated on a landmass of similar ‘height’ to Clarity Cove—home of the Pellucid tier—is clearly meant for a higher class of clientele. Its main shape is that of a pyramid with a hexagonal base, made entirely of a kind of odd, kaleidoscopic crystal, lit from the inside with lights of various colours.

Anyway, the reason that we’re taking the slow way over isn’t just to avoid attracting attention—or well, it is—but because only Pellucid-tier Peilor and up are allowed to fly up here.

These kind of social rules are apparently not enforced through any form of violence, but simply through immense peer pressure and conniving back chamber politics.

If a Solith-tier Peilor wants to rush through the Aether here to get somewhere, they better have a damned good and visible reason to do so—like if they’re chasing down an escaped exotic pet—or they might find themselves out of a job after word gets ‘sent down,’ by displeased witnesses.

Anyway, it’s still working out pretty well for us in terms of laying low. If I thought we were being snubbed before, now we’re not even getting glanced at by the Peilor passing by overhead.

However, there’s unfortunately no way we can enter this theatre as guests in our current form. Not only does Suri not have access to her Pell accounts—Peilinor’s official currency, which is all tracked by some massive banking operation under Starmother’s control—even if she could pay, they’d never let a Solith-tier Peilor in.

Flawed-tier Peilor are allowed in, even if they have to use a different, separate entrance and get seats farther away from the stage, but even if we could afford tickets, the kind of hosts they favour are too small to properly hide our spiritforms in.

Apparently there are hosts used by higher tiers that are large enough to hide us, but nobody in their right mind would take one of those out to the theatre.

So we’ll need another approach.

<Can’t we just pass through the walls?> Kaitlynn suggests.

<We could,> Suri chimes. <But it’d be a little difficult to explain if anyone saw us do so, what with it being impossible for solid matter to intersect, and all that.>

<True,> Kaitlynn replies, <But if we peek through with, like, a single eye to see if the coast is clear...>

<Then anyone in the vicinity could sense us standing on the other side, and wonder what the hell we’re doing,> Suri fills in.

<Right... I guess it would be rather suspicious.>

<Even once we’re inside, we’ll still need some kind of cover story for why we’re there,> I send. <Suri, is the maintenance up here done by Solith-tier Peilor as well?>

<I believe so, yes,> she chimes, a hint of suspicion in her voice. <Why?>

<Well, there’s a trick that works really well on Earth,> I start. <If you want to get into pretty much any building that’s not like, military or a highly secure government facility of some kind, you just grab a ladder, put it over your shoulder, and you can walk right in. People will assume you’re there to do some kind of maintenance, and no one will stop you. And while ladders may not be a thing here, I’m sure a toolkit like that urudo we saw earlier carried would do the trick.>

<That’s a lovely idea, dear,> Suri chimes tersely. <but I don’t know the first thing about maintenance work. I mean, I can pretend to carry a toolkit, sure, but if anyone asks me a question, like what I’ve come to fix, I’ll be stumped. And it might take us a while to find Loudmouth in there.>

<Have you never done this kind of work?> I can’t help but ask. <Weren’t you Solith-tier for a long, long time?>

<I have not,> she chimes in a clipped tone.

<What kind of work did you actually do, Suri?> Kaitlynn asks curiously.

<Mostly host training.>

That... kinda makes sense, actually.

By now, the lower entrance for the Flawed tier is in plain view before us. There’s a throng of hosts in front of it that we’re definitely not entering, so Suri gets off the stone path and comes to a halt, making sure to hide how her presence actually doesn’t bend the knifegrass and various other plants and flowers beneath our disguise.

<Well, I’m open to suggestions,> I send with a mental shrug, <but I don’t know if we’re going to come up with a better...>

I trail off when another trigot passes us by, with a life-sized statue of Loudmouth in a heroic pose strapped to its back.

We’re all silent for a moment.

<Hey Suri,> I finally send. <D’you think you could pass for someone making a delivery?>

We retreat a little farther off the path, to a spot covered by foliage from nearly all sides, from which we can unobtrusively observe the goings-on without being spotted.

In the minutes that follow, we spot no fewer than four additional statues of Loudmouth being delivered, each expertly carved in a unique pose out of a block of white stone.

Aside from taking some time to plan and observe, we’re mostly waiting for the throng outside to enter the theatre and take their seats.

Right now, the plan is to make our way backstage, hide in Lyrack’s dressing room, and wait for him and Loudmouth to show up after the show.

After the number of statues that passed by earlier, we figure we can safely add another. If there’s any confusion about the number being higher than it should be, people are likely to chalk it up to miscommunication, and nobody dislikes free stuff.

Still, we’re waiting not only for the entire crowd to enter, but also for each of the trigots that passed by earlier carrying a statue to come out again, lest they realise they suddenly have some unknown colleague delivering stuff they don’t recognise.

In the meantime, we send images back and forth, trying to choose a suitably heroic pose for Loudmouth’s fake statue. Unfortunately, most of the obvious poses we already saw pass by, including his classic one, with his chest puffed up and his webbed hands on his hips.

Since all the statues we saw had a unique pose, we can’t exactly show up with a duplicate.

It’s kinda like with painting forgeries. Expert forgers don’t just recreate an existing painting, they create a new painting in the style of an old master, then try to pass it off as a long-lost piece they recently discovered in their granny’s old attic or something.

After some deliberation, we end up going with a crane kick pose, with his arms lifted up high, his hands turned out to the side, and one long leg lifted up to his chest.

Finally, all the Flawed-tier Peilor seem to have entered the building.

As Suri has enough on her plate already, I’m the one who actually conjures the statue of Loudmouth that we mentally designed together.

It looks pretty heroic, if I do say so myself.

<All right, the coast seems clear,> I send once I’m done. <It’s go time!>

Author's note:

Thanks for reading! ^^