Harley Quinn vs Wonder Woman Boxing Match (Patreon)

I wrote this one as a passing thought when somebody brought up the old Muhammed Ali vs Superman comic. I know they did some more recent version of Harley fighting a de-powered Superman but didn’t sound that interesting. Boxing a weakened Wonder Woman in a big public spectacle, now that had me thinking.

Harley’s really fun to write, though, especially with the accent. I messed with an older story of Harley Quinn fighting her alternate selves from a malfunctioning portal.

I didn’t base any of this too heavily on any certain setting or world for DC, but Harley and Poison Ivy I referenced a lot from The Harley Quinn Show. I really wanted to use Etta Candy in something too, since she was kind of an old timey shortstack of Wondey’s chunky little shithead of a helper who pops up in most of her incarnations somewhere. I think she serves in WW2 in most cases, but I was like nah… felt like giving her a mouthy British sidekick.

I felt like giving some level of referee character here, and Joker was the only one who fit as somebody who didn’t really like either of them anymore. I went with Mark Hamil cartoon Joker as a basis, which became an easy outlet for what I’ve come to call “narrator jokes.” Working on my The Brothers Beedle novel, I’ve really come to love a story that can tell a joke in a passing description. I did my best to not make him overly obnoxious and more cheesy, and think he works fine here. For some reason, just not a guy who I imagine as fun to write longterm.

The world was always fascinated or afraid of the world of superheroes. Not everything was public knowledge, but sources like The Daily Planet kept news of anything they could get. From reports of their interdimensional escapades to gossip about supervillain couples, there were entire sections of news teams committed just to gathering anything they could about the colorful superhuman side of the world. More often than not, the supers themselves weren’t too happy with how they were painted in the public eye.

It was why every now and then, there were efforts made towards publicity. Broadcasted events were often the most direct perception people could get of superheroes, whether they were interviews, charitable ceremonies, or theatrical threats of what buildings they were about to blow up. It was no surprise when the announcement of a streamed boxing match between Wonder Woman and Harley Quinn drew all sorts of attention.

Much of the background was kept behind closed doors, and mostly boiled down to Harley making some sassy comments about her on social media. Once someone showed Diana what Twitter was, she took it as a personal challenge and called upon an amazonian honor code that Harley never knew existed. There was some back and forth before some ground rules were set and the match was arranged on as even a playing field as possible.

Heroes, villains and allies alike were packed into the stadium for the exciting match. At a glance, Harley would have been a stain on the mats in a matter of seconds. She was a highly skilled fighter, but she was also a normal human being who tended to tangle with random goons and martial artists. Wonder Woman was a nigh-immortal demigoddess who had handled planet-wide threats. Harley wasn’t one to back down, but she wasn’t afraid of adding a few stipulations to make it a fair fight.

The clown princess stepped into the arena dressed in classic boxing gear, stylized with her usual black and red card suits style. She had her hair done up in her usual pair of messily dyed pigtails, even the faint coloration standing out against her chalky skin. She was tailed by her green-skinned, red-haired girlfriend Poison Ivy toting a bucket of supplies to work as her second. She knew enough about first aid along with her degree in super science, and controlling plants and vines meant she could provide as many hands as she needed.

At the other runway, Wonder Woman, aka Princess Diana of the amazons, approached the ring in her star spangled trunks, top and gloves. The tall and toned amazon had a full head on Harley as well as a few pounds of solid muscle. Her thick black curls were even thicker than the rest of the heroine’s amazonian build. It made her almost comically large while she was escorted by Etta Candy. Her long-time friend and ally was a chubby little redhead that had been by her side for countless adventures. The serious look on the honorable warrior’s face showed that she

As the final element of the setup, The Joker himself was overseeing the match. The purple-suited madman grinned, even under the watchful eye of countless superheroes and villains. He was agreed upon as the referee as a fully neutral party. An ugly breakup with Harley all those years ago left him as bitter towards her as the one who’d helped throw him in jail on several occasions.

Wonder Woman approached him as part of the deal. She held out her gloves hands and Joker produced two small lengths of rope. He wrapped one around each of Diana’s wrists and she felt a mortal strength return to her body. There was some ancient part of Diana’s magical might that made it disappear whenever she was bound by a man. They had figured out that this counted as close enough for the sake of the match, putting Diana and Harley back on even footing.

“Alright, ladies and germs! We’re all here to see a fight so let’s get this thing started!” Joker declared impatiently.

“Hey! Aren’t you even going to check her for weighted gloves or things like that!?” Etta demanded from Wonder Woman’s corner.

Joker gave a weary groan. “Fine. Let’s delay the show and make sure nothing actually fun happens. Wonderful idea, shortcake.”

Etta stuck her tongue out at the crooked clown as he went to Harley. They exchanged sour looks as the blonde thrust out her gloves into his chest, giving him a shove while letting him give them a quick pat.

“Har, at least go easy on him enough to not piss off the ref,” Ivy groaned from behind her.

Joker gave a light bounce of the gloves in his hands and patted down her boots before he shrugged. “Fighting clean. How disappointing,” he noted.

“Yea, well if ya wanna make it up to me for bein’ a pain in my ass…” Harley scoffed.

“Never do,” Joker replied quickly in between her words.

“You could always check Princess Di there for the same shit and give her a smack on the ass for me.”

“AND NOW FOR DIANA!” Joker immediately proclaimed with renewed enthusiasm.

Another glove check, a smack on the Olympian booty, and a knee to the groin later, and Joker hobbled back towards the middle of the ring on his deeply crossed legs.

“Start the fight,” he squeaked out in an exaggerated falsetto.

The bell started for the first round and the women came out to start circling. Diana’s stiff and solid posture was quite unlike Harley Quinn’s, who bounced and pranced and zipped around as she kept popping her head behind her gloves like a confounding pugilistic squirrel.

“It’s what I get for expecting a real fight from a clown,” Diana said with a stern grimace.

“That ain’t what your mama said last night!” Harley taunted right back. Diana furrowed her brow.

“That makes no sense. Also my mother is queen of an entire civilization.”

“Doesn’t give ‘er an excuse for givin’ such lousy head. HA!”

Diana rolled her eyes and dismissed trying to use logic on her. She swung a sweeping right hook that Harley had to duck under. She tried to dip in low for a body blow but the princess had expected as much and had an intercepting swing coming at her. Harley had to almost completely lean backward to avoid it, and Diana kept up her offensive push. She swung a fist straight down as Harley arched her back and nimbly flipped back to her feet as she got out of the way. Even without her godly might, the mad psychiatrist could feel Diana’s fist shake the mats.

“Wowie! Ya swing like a construction worker instead of a fighta,” Harley noted, widening her eyes as she regained her loose footing.

“I think I’ll take out that flapping mouth of yours first,” Diana huffed.

She came in with a haymaker that made Harley flinch and raise her guard. She maneuvered around it but it was a non-committal fakeout. Harley dodged right into the real blow that was a firm uppercut to the belly. The anti-villainess huffed loudly as the red and blue glove jammed deep into her pale and toned belly. Hot air and spittle blew over Diana’s arm and breast as the audience groaned from the powerful hit.

“Whatever quiets you down,” Diana sneered.

She wound up for another big swing when Harley suddenly jabbed Diana in the face. She winced and recoiled just enough for Harley to shoot out two more, belting her in the nose.

“See? Doesn’t take a lotta pressha to make somebody flinch. Didn’t you learn nuttin’ at Amazon University?”

Harley had, in fact, studied under an amazon in how to fight. Neither had their full arsenal of tricks and powers at their disposal, but it really was a much more even fight than the casual viewer expected. Diana snuck a hooking punch into Harley’s side but she had already thrown an uppercut with her left, smacking the brunette noisily across the face. She reeled back and Harley shrugged off the sting in her ribs to press her attack. She threw some quick jabs to the reeling princess’ head before an olive-skinned arm deflected one of her blows. Diana filled the opening with a hard haymaker of her own. Harley’s eyes rolled from the stunning counter attack that brought her tumbling to her knees.

“OOFA!” Joker commented from a safe distance away. “Looks like Harles has the fancy footwork but can’t match the power of the princess. Now c’mon, children. Let’s all learn to count to ten! ONE!”

Harley wasn’t surprised to hear the sadist drawing out his count. She trudged dizzily back to her knees, taking a moment to get her bearings. She shook some sweaty bangs away from her forehead as Diana loomed over her, casting her tall shadow across the clown criminal.

“I’d say you’ve had enough, but I know how you villains don’t quit while you’re ahead.”

“Oh hell  nah,” Harley laughed, clearly still weary from the knockdown.

“Not when goin’ down gives me openin’s like this.”

The kneeling villainess swung a hard uppercut between Diana’s legs as she rose. The rising momentum crashed right into the crotch of Wonder Woman’s trunks, making her double over and her muscular thighs squeeze together. Diana’s stern face quickly switched to a comical look of stunned horror.

“I’LL ALLOW IT!” Joker shouted unprompted as Harley swung a wild hook to her  opponent’s face.

She landed some somewhat flailing punches, getting in as many as she could before Diana raised an arm in a loose guard. Harley got in another loping smack to the cheek right as the bell rang to end the first round. Harley let out a winded huff before pumping her gloves over her head, firing herself and the crowd up before striding back to her corner. Diana rose more sluggishly but she rubbed at her mouth with her forearm as she trudged back to her side of the ring.

“The nerve of that bitch, Di! I oughta give ‘er a one two of my own for that sneaky bullshit,” Etta fumed as soon as Diana was in earshot.

Her mouthy companion got a relieved laugh out of the warrior princess. She dropped into her stool and leaned on her knees as the pudgy redhead watered her and toweled off some of Diana’s sweat.

“It just means she’s desperate. She doesn’t think she can take me on even footing.”

“Then let her keep thinkin’ it, I say! And give ‘er a few reminders while you’re at it.”

Harley drooped into her corner to catch her breath. She was cradled by a few thick vines reaching through the ropes that helped ease her onto her stool. Ivy was quick to step in with a cool rag and water bottle.

“Phew! Didja see me deck that bitch in the toybox, Ive?” Harley laughed in a triumphant fatigue.

“I’ve been dyin’ to do somethin’ like that.”

“Good for you, babe. Congrats on pissing off one of the strongest women on the planet. Again…” Ivy warned her more cautiously.

“A couple more’a those and she’ll have a newly acquired taste for canvas!”

“Orrr she’s going to be expecting that now and you need to be extra careful. Stick with the lighter stuff. She’ll act like it doesn’t affect her but it’ll add up. Let her be the one to get greedy for once.”

“You got it, red. Now lemme at ‘er,” Harley sniffed.

The bell for round two summoned them back out to the central ring. They sized up their opponent and their own bodies now that they were back on their feet. They traded a few light jabs and blocks, getting little more than some stinging pecks at first. Diana finally shifted her footing to slide in close and snap a hook just below Harley’s ribs.The blonde jerked and lost her footing for Diana to slam her with a straight to the face. Harley staggered back and nearly hit the ropes, stopping her heel just short. Diana started to follow up with her attack but Harley sprang right back at her. She actually leapt off the mats to dive at her for a massive swing, following through with a huge punch to the face.

Diana reeled as Harley recovered as gracefully as she could. She unleashed a barrage with both gloves, pummeling Wonder Woman in the chest. It knocked the wind out of her while flattening her full tits back into her chest. They bounced in her top from the firm leathery strikes.

“Leave it to Wonder Bimbo to bring her own punchin’ bags to a match!” Harley jeered as she unleashed hell on her boobs.

Diana crossed her arms over her chest, dampening the impact of her hits before suddenly hurling her arms back apart. The normally thunderous force was still enough to throw Harley’s gloves aside and leave her wide open as the buff brunette spiked a deep hook into her stomach. The clown princess huffed noisily and went to double over, but Diana caught her on the way down. Her other glove swept up and uppercutted Harley in one of her tits, sending another surge of pain pulsing through her chest.

“Oofa doofa! Right in the bread basket!” Joker announced. “And one in the milk basket while she’s at it!”

Harley started to crumble but Diana caught her by one of her pigtails. She hung from it briefly like a puppet until she got her rubbery legs under her, gawking groggily at the powerhouse of a princess.

“You think I fought my amazonian sisters and none thought to hit me in the bosom?” Diana huffed heavily with a steely glare.

“Nah… I just thought it’d be kinda fun,” Harley coughed weakly.

She snuck a hook into Wonder Woman’s rib, working the same side she had been earlier. It still wasn’t enough to stop her offensive as the heavier woman planted herself and swung a devastating uppercut to Harley’s chin. It popped her back upright and the princess unleashed a series of straights that pummeled Harley back into the ropes. The blonde threw up her arms, deflecting enough of the blows to fight back. She threw a few hasty swings that caught Diana with a lucky blow to the cheek. It still made her step back enough for Harley to get in a quick haymaker, but it was sluggish and sloppy. Diana only staggered a step before she clocked Harley again, making her eyes roll comically before she flopped into Diana. The audience roared as she seemed ready to go down again, but she clinched and kept herself upright. Diana scoffed, ready to down the clown before she suddenly locked her arms together and squeezed the bigger brunette. Diana gave a startled shout as she crushed the gloves together against the base of her spine.

“Betcha didn’t know I used ta date a chiropracta!” Harley grunted through gritted teeth.

Diana grunted and got a few stunted blows into Harley’s sides but couldn’t make much progress at this distance. She ended up hooking her gloves under Harley’s arms and hurling her away from her. Harley caught a glove on the top ropes to steady herself, just to look up and find Diana crouched into a sweeping uppercut. It smashed into her chin, sending sweat and spit flying off the blonde and towards the spotlights. She was left seeing stars as she crashed to the mats. She groaned and pushed at the mats.

“And down she goes! A one anda two annnnda three…” Joker played to the crowd.

Harley struggled to see straight, but she heard Ivy shouting out to her.

“Babe! Stay down. It’s not worth it!”

“Real encouraging, coach,” Harley droned dizzily.

“No. I mean it. The bell’s about to ring and you need the break.”

“Oh. Well that’s betta, I guess…”

She let herself flop to the mats, catching her breath and leaving a small puddle of sweat before the bell rang. She dragged herself up at last, feeling every ache and throb left behind by her efforts and Diana’s punches. She slumped into her corner while Diana stumbled back to hers.

“Okay. Not the prettiest last few seconds, but you did some real damage that round. We’re still in this one,” Ivy assured her as she applied some cold compresses and towels through her hands and vines.

“Yea… I’ll pay ‘er back next time I see ‘er in Multiversus, though.”

“In what now?”

“Sorry. I think that last shot in the noggin rattled somethin’ loose.”

“All the more reason to take your time next time. Move fast and move when you need to, because you’re both slowing down out there.”

“You callin’ me fat?” Harley asked a bit defensively.

“Only in the ass, because you know I love it. Now go fuck her up. CAREFULly.”

There was another bell and they both rose to fight again. Ivy was right that they had both taken enough hits to slow them down, making them pick their fights more carefully. Diana was breathing heavily despite her strong finish to the second round, clearly getting used to working without her olympian endurance. Harley went after it, feinting and following up with a savage punch to the face. Spittle flew from Diana’s mouth but the brunette caught her arm, tangling it with hers while ducking back from her follow up cross. Wonder Woman straightened herself back up and pounded Harley in the face with a few short, hard straights now that they were locked together, exactly where Harley didn’t want to be.

The blonde contorted out of her grip with a quick twist, but Diana was steadily pursuing her. She didn’t rush but she didn’t give Harley any room to breathe as she went after her. Harleen managed to keep her at bay with some warning jabs here and there but Wonder Woman unexpectedly blitzed past her defenses. She ducked and moved in lower than the tall woman seemed capable of, striking like a tigress and burying her gloved knuckles deep into Harley’s pale midriff. The impact shoved her back enough that her back hit the one of the ringposts and Diana came at her with surprising ferocity for a heroine. Her fists hit hard enough that Harley would have believed that she’d regained her super strength somehow. Her tits and midsection were pelted with red and blue battle damage until all she could do was hunch down and bring her gloves up together to guard her face. A short, swift uppercut snuck around her guard and caught Harley in one of her breasts, bouncing it right out of her top.

“Might want to throw a censor bar over that one, gents. Or at least plaster my face over it. Reminds me of the old days,” Joker mused.

The audience was ready for another knockdown when Harley unexpectedly slipped past her opponent. Diana’s glove missed her completely and she cried out as it connected with the hard pads of the post instead. Harley pivoted quickly and grabbed a glove full of Diana’s hair, swinging her face-first into the metal of the post. Her exposed, pale breast bounced around freely in time with her repeated slams.

“DON’T! FUCK! WITH! THE TWINS!” she ranted, even with each snarl stinging her abs.

Diana threw an elbow back out of instinct, catching Harley in the face. The blonde winced and recoiled as the dazed Diana whirled around. The tenderizing she had gone through against the post had done more damage than Harley had expected, and she now had a bloodied gash leaking over one eye. Diana still managed to grab Harley by the shoulder and pin her against the ropes. The powerful princess started pummeling fists into Harley’s face like a jackhammer, rapidly bouncing her neck back and forth against the ropes. The psychiatric pugilist managed to bring up an arm and deflect the hit just long enough to take her own dizzied strike. Wonder Woman blocked the attempted counter, but Harley let her keep their limbs entangled and shot her head forward, headbutting forehead to forehead with the amazon. It proved to be the last straw as Diana crumbled backward, falling to the mats and clutching her leaking forehead.

“Looks like the princess is in some royal pain now! Could this be it?!” The Joker hammed up for the crowd.

Harley backed off and slumped against the ropes, breathing heavily and trying to make her own head stop spinning while she listened for the count. Harley grimaced and rolled her jaw as Ivy slipped over to her boxing girlfriend, some swelling starting around one of her eyes.

“Hang in there, babe. You’re wearing her down,” Ivy assured her.

“Hang in there, huh? I’m runnin’ on empty here, red. I could use a shot’a Bane’s secret sauce about now.”

She grimaced and caught what was bothering her with her tongue. She spat a glob of red outside the ring, a tooth clattering along with it. “Ahh crap. Not another one. My super dental insurance sucks ass.”

“There’s no such thing as good dental,” Ivy said grimly, picking up the tooth with a delicate pinch.

“Who’s idea was it to not use mouthguards for this thing anyway?”

“That’d be me! Seven!” Joker boomed.

Ivy rolled her eyes. “Alright, she’s already sprung a leak. Just outlast her and you got this in the bag.”

“Punch a god in the hooters. Got it,” Harley huffed as she tugged her top back up and turned back to face her opponent.

“Not what I said, but you do you.”

The two moved in sluggishly, dealing with their own injuries. Diana tossed her head, flicking some black hair dotted with blood aside. Harley smirked at her and nodded in her direction.

“Heh… do you bleed?” Harley commented in a gravelly voice.

“I always liked that flick. Story’s gibberish but Afleck’s a dreambo-”

Diana snapped out with a swift and surprising jab that clipped Harley’s lip. She winced and backed off with some blood trickling down its split center.

“Same as anyone else,” Diana huffed wearily.

“Touche…” she grunted in a mix of respect and annoyance.

The two shifted their stance, bobbing and striking once again. Their defenses slowed to a point where it became less and less worth trying to dodge, swinging more to keep up with the other. It was more worthwhile for Harley to strike first and get another stinging hit to Diana’s eye or reopen the gash on her face than try to evade her. The same went for Diana as she kept sending Harley reeling with sprays of sweat flying from her exhausted body. Harley went for what she hoped to be a finishing haymaker but Diana sidestepped it, leaving her overswinging and stumbling over. The heroine balled her gloves together and bashed them down in a hammer blow over the back of Harley’s shoulders, bringing her to her hands and knees gasping for air.

“Ahh~! Y’almost broke my back, ya crazy cow!” Harley whined as she sluggishly rose again.

Diana moved in while she was still recovering, but Harley was still hunched and looking winded when she dove in for a blindsiding tackle.

“I said ALMOST!” she reminded her as she shoulder-checked into Diana’s stomach, bringing the princess to the mats with a gut busting tackle. They both crashed to the ring, swinging and shoving wildly in the chaos as they rolled across the mats. Joker had to backpedal to avoid getting tripped up.

“Now THAT’S television! Anyone bring any oil? Mud? Well how about a few singles at least. Promise to pay you back.”

Diana finally managed to catch her gloves on Harley’s chest and shove her back, hurrying back to her knees. Harley moved to follow her lead, just to rise into an incoming hook to the kisser. She threw a punch back, fists crossing paths and each connecting with the other’s face. Harleen took it harder and  went spirling to the mats, landing in a heap of sweat and clown makeup.

“Har! Harl! Almost the end of the round!” Ivy’s voice rang out nearby at ringside.

“Yea. I know… sleep it off and-”

“Fuck that! Fuck strategy! Get up and finish that royal super bitch off!”

THAT was a plan she could get behind! Trusting her girlfriend’s call, Harley grunted and forced herself back up. She was dazed and sluggish but Diana was unsteady on her booted feet too. Harley came in with a heavy swing, and even when the brunette blocked it, it nearly launched her gloves aside. Harley kept faking shots for Diana’s tenderized head, just to snake around and work her body instead. She creamed the outside of her olive-skinned tits and worked around her abs, loving the rewarding grunts of pain when she hit the obvious bruising around her sides she’d been setting up all match. Even dodging and swinging too hard with them seemed to hurt the power princess as Harley got a lot of use out of her speed now that they were both slowing down. Diana was sweating buckets, her dark curls hanging heavy with moisture.

Wonder Woman threw a few more heavy blows at her, though only one managed to jar Harley by clipping her cheek bone. Her dancing legs wavered and she barely caught herself from going down again. Not about to let up on the slight advantage, Diana came in with a heavy hook that she hoped would end the fight there.

The fight certainly ended shortly after. Harley’s head snapped back quickly enough for Diana to think she’d connected, but she slid right under it in a flexible arch of her back. Harley kept going, leaping into a full backflip that brought her legs whipped up right past the princess’ nose. She was momentarily stunned by the mid-match acrobatics, leaving her wide open when Harley finished her flip with a rising, arcing punch that hit full force into Diana’s chin. Wonder Woman’s lips parted as she launched a spray of spittle and sweat straight upward in a shot that would be captured on all manner of blogs, newspapers and fetish sites. Her eyes crossed groggily and she stood stiffly for a moment before crumbling over backward. She landed flat on her face with her toned ass sticking straight up. Her limbs flopped out at odd angles as an absolute ragdoll from the knockout blow. Harley stumbled dizzily on her feet as she regained her balance, but The Joker didn’t have to bend down for long. There was barely 10 seconds on the clock as it was, so he stood back up with a theatrical wave.

“She’s out like an olympian torch! Or whatever they use instead of lightbulbs out there… point is, I’m calling it! It’s a KO! We have a winnah~!”

Joker grabbed and raised Harley’s exhausted arm by the wrist, looking like she was dangling from it for a moment as she cracked an exhausted smile. She tugged her arm away from him and drunkenly moved over to the ropes, collapsing against the middle one to face a beaming Ivy.

“Y’see that? I punched the shit outta the strongest gal in the world.”

“I know! I was right fucking here!” Ivy said excitedly. “How’s it feel?”

“Like that last flip is gonna make me hurl… urk… but it was all worth it, right?”

“Worth making the League think you’re one of the more dangerous wildcards out there? I mean… that’s a tomorrow problem. Today's problem is celebrating and making sure you’re not bleeding internally.”

“Only bloody thing right now is a bloody good boxer, right?” Harley slurred. She paused and spat a quick bit of bloody saliva to the mats.

“Yea, but seriously. Couldja help me outta here?”

“Of course, babe. …if you stop doing that.”