New dream, new direction, no big changes (yet) (Patreon)

It's currently 8:26 in the morning. I'm in California for the week, staying two nights in a posh loft 5 stories up in the heart of downtown Los Angeles. Currently, I'm writing this on the balcony, enjoying the crisp morning air and a cup of cold brew that I picked up at an artisanal coffee shop on a brief morning walk.

This isn't my usual routine.

Usually I'd wake up, take a shower, make some coffee for myself and then sit down and begin filming all the way until the early evening. 

It's been a week since I impulsively announced my brief hiatus last week. I was in a bad head space then and hated everything. I hated the world, hated myself, every person, work, entertainment, music, just EVERYTHING. I was mad and furious at the killings last week and not only could I not bring myself to film or work, but I felt like physically vomiting even thinking of "trying to be positive" on camera.

In that time I've calmed down and put in the work. I kept up with the news, read thoughtful think pieces on racial inequality, and thoroughly discussed these topics and vented to my peers. 

For the first time, it feels like people are listening. I see more people sharing their personal stories on IG rather than just posting a simple "stop asian hate". I had people privately reach out to me and thank me for being more aggressive and unfiltered about this on camera and they expressed their frustrations and their guilt over not doing enough.

I've been "woke", or should I say "I woke up" many years ago. I've been echoing the cries of injustice and racial injustice since Trayvon Martin. I've been screaming about the lack of gun control since Sandy Hook. And all this time I've been told to shut up, stay brand friendly, etc.

As you know, compared to other channels I get less views, less companies reach out to me, and I'm passed up for collaborations with groups that I've long supported or reacted to compared to other channels. A few months ago, I received unofficial confirmation from an official in the industry that all the problems on my channel stem from the fact that I am openly queer, state my queerness in my YouTube bio, and because I am politically "radical" online. 

I talked about this a some two years ago. I specifically got passed over on a collaboration with Chungha because of my lesbian short film "1 in 10,000" that I published two-ish years ago. To clarify, it was neither Chungha nor her team that refused to work with me, it was the Korean company that would have brought us together, the middle man, that did this. 

Since then, I've been quietly concerned about my future in K-Pop and it's becoming more and more abundantly clear that despite being Korean American and fluent in both languages, an actual respect and understanding for the culture and the industry, I have no future. I'll never get the interviews and opportunities I want as long as I am openly queer and openly an activist.

Okay so this was a long ass read to get to this point, but with all that context in mind, we come to this week. I needed you all to know that because that context influenced everything going forward.

I can never hide who I am.

Listen, I don't need to openly label myself as a queer person or an activist. I don't like labels anyway. So could I just have a clean company friendly bio? Sure. But I can't not TALK about queer issues. And especially after last week, I cannot and WILL NOT stand down as an activist. People are literally fucking dying because of racial issues. 

So what's next? I'm transitioning. 

Over the past few years I've turned "reactions" somehow into a job but when you work a job and it turns out you have no future there because your boss won't ever promote you, what do you do? You quit and get another job.

Now, let me preface that I'm not going to quit. As I've always said: I actually really like doing the Kulture Study. And unlike these other YouTubers, I work in film and have a passion for this and I'm a Korean American. This is MY culture and I will never give this up.

But I can't rely on Patreon forever but YouTube literally pays me like $200 a month for 2 MILLION average views. I can't survive and pay my bills with that. I had wanted to collaborate with companies, do interviews, become a production house to make money that way but with essentially no future in Korea, I have to forfeit that dream.

So what do I mean by transitioning? Well, I'm going to start streaming on Twitch in April, and I'm going to stream everyday. What's crazier? I'm not going to stop YouTube or Patreon. That's crazy given my already crazy workload but frankly I have no other choice. You guys are literally keeping my family alive with Patreon. I don't have the luxury to just stop and focus on Twitch full time. Besides, when I first started YouTube, I only slept 4 hours a day and worked 3 other jobs to support myself because YouTube was making no money at the time. 

I'm just thinking of it as going back to the basics then. I'm going to work YouTube and Patreon full time to support myself, and pursue Twitch as a full time hobby until it pans out. 

But do you know why I'm transitioning to Twitch?

Because through it all, all these years, my favorite part of ALL of this, ANY of this... It was never the music, the views, the gratification, the comments, money, going to free concerts, getting to meet celebrities, etc. 

It was you guys.

I don't know if y'all know this but I was livestreaming on YouTube since my  FIRST year. I used to stream almost everyday while I was at work on YouTube on my phone. My favorite part has always been talking to you guys, forming a strange bond and friendship between streamer and viewer. This was all before the big Twitch boom. And I feel like in many ways I might have been ahead of the curve on that and wish I had pursued it.

As for Twitch? I've got some ideas. My stream content...I won't say what it is yet but it's not necessarily gaming. I'm still planning it but I hope you'll appreciate that it's different and that it'll be very... me.

Since the beginning of YouTube I have REJECTED becoming a "personality" on the Internet. I wanted to make a media production channel, and when I started appearing on camera I told myself it was temporary until I found a better talent. And then when I started appearing on camera full time I told myself it was temporary until I made enough money to become a production company. But it's time I stop denying it. The reason why I grew, the reason why I am where I am now is BECAUSE of my personality. So instead of trying to deny it, I'm going to try to embrace it full on and pursue it.

So uh... I know this long. I've just been very emotional this morning. But TL;DR I'll make it real simple and give you the highlights: I'm pursuing to become an Internet personality full time specifically through streaming. To preface I am NOT quitting YouTube and Patreon and I will NOT lessen my work load. HOWEVER, keep in mind that in the future I will stop pursuing YouTube full time. If I stop doing YouTube full time I will promise this, I will at least continue to do Kulture Studies EVERY NOW AND THEN on our Patreon. But this is ONLY if Twitch ever takes off but I don't see that happening for at least 1-2 years.

So this is just a heads up on my new journey and dream for more freedom. I want to become a big personality, I want to be as famous as names like Valkyrae or Ludwig or etc. but use my power and status to fight and fund the movement to save lives. This is no dig at any of those streamers. But with all that power, we could be doing so much more. Right now, I have no power to make or enforce change but I'm hoping one day we will.

Anyway, I've got uploads prepared for Monday and we will be streaming on Patreon at 11AM PST as regularly scheduled. I also didn't mean to post that Treasure Map video this past week, it was auto scheduled and I forgot about it but I hope y'all enjoyed it anyway.

See you on Monday!