Sorry and thank you. (Pixiv Fanbox)

Hello everyone,

I don't know where this is going, I did not plan for this. I'm just going to write whatever I have in my mind. I'm putting this out publicly so I can also reach out to the people that also supported me in the past. I want to properly thank you for allowing me to do what I loved doing. All the monetary supports I have received through Fanbox have made all this possible. Firstly I want to announce that because my PC of 8 years have stopped working for good, I'm afraid I cannot publish the works of Naruto I promised last month and yesterday before the end of August. This is beyond my control and I don't know what else to say or how else I could express it. I'm lost for words. I regret it and I'm sorry. Truthfully, I haven't had the motivations to draw for awhile now. Recurring depression and self isolation during this pandemic have contributed to this. I was thinking the other time, that if something were to happen to me (or to my PC), I could finally escape this involuntarily. Looking back now, I could think I was being irrational and selfish. Because now when that finally happens, I can't say I'm feeling well at all. Now even when I tried my best, forced myself to draw even when I absolutely hated doing it, I just can't. My PC is dead. Supposedly I'm "free" now. But I feel even more empty now thinking of all the works I owe, the promises I have yet to fulfill, personal projects that are always postponed or canceled. I don't feel like a failure, I know I have been a failure and it's a fact that's hard to swallow. I can now fully relate to someone I know who are a close friend- when they say it's "demoralizing". Only today I can finally acknowledge this. As of this writing I realized I'm being overly sentimental. I apologise. It can be annoying, I know. But I don't know how else to put these feelings into words. I feel like I'm so desperate trying to get all these emotions heard. . . . Being able to confess all these made me feel better now. I now know at least what kind of goal I have. The works I owe, the promises and all the personal projects I was once so passioned about. I have now a reason to do this again. So I regret that I can't draw now. So that's why I will be collecting funds through personal commissions for a temporary laptop or a new PC if the budget allows. I will be posting more about the commission soon for those who are interested. All these commissions will only be started after I acquire a new hardware please note. After I'm done giving back everything I owe, I will step down as an artist for an indefinite time for recovery and also to discover myself, what I want and could possibly do moving forward. All the remaining unfinished works will be posted after I'm able to finish them on a new PC possibly next month. So I ask for everyone to be patient for just a little more. Once again thank you for making all this possible for me and I'm sorry to disappoint still. I hope I'm able to read what I wrote today at some other time in the future and able to see I came from a place of desperation. I want to believe by then I would be a much healthier person. Thank you for reading.

-alt* /210830