to Budapest. (Patreon)

I’m on my way to Europe.

yesterday I had some sort of mental breakdown.

Mental let out.
Emotional collapse.
Emotional rebuilding, I woke up at work in the tent I’m sleeping in with a sort of sadness I haven’t felt in so long. Maybe ever.
It was a different type of sadness. Im still finding words for it. I knew I needed to cry. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to let myself cry there.
I packed up my things. I walked the half mile to my car.
Holding in the tears. I got in my car and started driving.
The tears and the screams came like never before.
I fucking screamed. “Ahhhh!!!! I can’t do this! I can’t do this! I can not do life or any of the things that come with it anymore.”
I knew I had to act on what I felt. I knew these feelings have been building for a few months but I’ve been pushing it away.
I knew when I got home I would need to call my mama.
Call both my parents. I needed my parents. I needed them to hear me.
I called my mom first. she let me cry with her and explain how suffocated I feel, how lost I feel. How impossible all of the things feel. All the responsibility. How exhausted I am with how much money fills my mind. How much space money takes up in my brain. What could I be thinking of if I wasn’t wasting time thinking and worrying about how to make money and pay bills? I told her I felt like I needed to go.

today. I needed to go and leave today.

The timing seemed perfect in my mind. With her offering to watch nalcoah for three weeks. With me quitting my waitressing job, that feeling of needing to quit just coming and knowing I had to quit. (It felt similar to this feeling today of needing to leave.)
But then not getting the hours I need at my other job. Feeling like I’m doing it all wrong and yet feeling like sometimes I know there are no other options other than what something in me is telling me to do.

she told me she was for me. I know I don’t need her permission but I felt like I needed permission from the people I love. Am I being a terrible mother by just up and leaving like this? No. I’m not. She told me to call Gideon and talk to him about it. She said he needed to hear me like this, see how hard it is for me. See how impossible life feels for me in moments like this.

I called him. He listened. He heard. he understood I needed to leave. He was for me. So for me. both Gideon and my mom were for me. So for me. I’m going. My body told me to go and then the people in my life told me they thought it was good. I needed that. So bad.

I got off the phone with them and started looking for tickets. I decided on Budapest. I have two friends there. I’ve wanted to go there. So I found a ticket and I bought it. A one way ticket.
I have no plans.
I have desires.
I have hopes.
I have people I want to see.
I have stories I want to write.
I have fears I want to feel more and work through.
But no plans.

I want the world to guide me. I want to listen to her. I want to listen to myself. I want to listen to that piece inside me that has been guiding me, and is seeking to guide me more.

listening to myself, listening to the world, is really, I believe just paying attention. Paying attention to how things make me feel. Paying attention to what my physical body needs. What my skin seeks, what my eyes need. What my stomach yearns for and when my body tells me to rest, when to learn, when to unfold and when to run.

My body has been telling me to run.

To run in so many ways.

I am running.

And maybe I am running away from all of my problems. Maybe I am seeking an escape for a coupe weeks.
Maybe I am running from my fears.

But I also think I am running toward them, into them.

Traveling alone. I’ve wanted to face this fear. Are all of my fears also my biggest desires?

I’m running where feels right and trying not to question it all as much.

I want to not question if things are right or wrong anymore and just feel what it feels like and go with what feels good.